Beginnings

My word found me as I stuck it on the fridge.  He had already whispered it to me, but I didn't see it.  It's is the miracle that is all this....the breaking, the in-between, that this is what He promised me all along.

Joy.

And this verse....this beautiful verse, is my song.  It speaks to my heart.  It tells my story and is laced with what has sprung up. Thankful.

Psalm 30

The Voice (VOICE)

Psalm 30

A song of David. For the dedication of the temple.

1 I praise You, Eternal One. You lifted me out of that deep, dark pit

    and denied my opponents the pleasure of rubbing in their success.

2 Eternal One, my True God, I cried out to You for help;

    You mended the shattered pieces of my life.

3 You lifted me from the grave with a mighty hand,

    gave me another chance,

    and saved me from joining those in that dreadful pit.

4 Sing, all you who remain faithful!

    Pour out your hearts to the Eternal with praise and melodies;

    let grateful music fill the air and bless His name.

5 His wrath, you see, is fleeting,

    but His grace lasts a lifetime.

The deepest pains may linger through the night,

    but joy greets the soul with the smile of morning.

6 When things were quiet and life was easy, I said in arrogance,

    “Nothing can shake me.”

7 By Your grace, Eternal,

    I thought I was as strong as a mountain;

But when You left my side and hid away,

    I crumbled in fear.

8 O Eternal One, I called out to You;

    I pleaded for Your compassion and forgiveness:

9 “I’m no good to You dead! What benefits come from my rotting corpse?

    My body in the grave will not praise You.

No songs will rise up from the dust of my bones.

    From dust comes no proclamation of Your faithfulness.

10 Hear me, Eternal Lord—please help me,

    Eternal One—be merciful!”

11 You did it: You turned my deepest pains into joyful dancing;

    You stripped off my dark clothing

    and covered me with joyful light.

12 You have restored my honor. My heart is ready to explode, erupt in new songs!

    It’s impossible to keep quiet!

    Eternal One, my God, my Life-Giver, I will thank You forever.

Endings

I'm writing this on New Year's Eve morning.....reflecting, pondering, journaling so much lately with pen and paper.  It's been almost a year since He called me back to this.  A year.  That can change everything.  Two years to the day my world crumbled.....a year to the day that I was choosing to run from the healing I so desperately sought.  And then the year that changed it all again...this year.  He promised me that it would not last forever, that the breaking would not kill me.  It hasn't. 2012 was a year of breaking, a year of stripping away all that was and He kept telling me....begin again....this year, my word found me...I wasn't searching for a word or a blog or anything remotely like what He has done, yet here I am.   And the word...thankful...finally settled in late about a month ago and I really understood what He was telling me.  In the midst of the storm, a statement from Christine Cane stuck with me...."the breaking always precedes the miracle".  Yes, but what I have learned this year is that the middle...THAT changes everything.  In her reference, she spoke of Jesus breaking bread....and giving thanks....and then He fed the 5,000...the breaking preceded the miracle, BUT, the breaking was followed with thanksgiving.  That was the part I needed to learn.  The miracle, the thanksgiving, the joy......2013 was my year to learn thanksgiving in the middle of my circumstance..whatever it might have been.  And let me say this year was hard.  There was nothing even remotely easy about walking these last 364 days....but each step led me closer to what it is He has called me to.  Thanksgiving.  He gave me a verse in 2012.....it even sat on my desk.  I wrote it out, but I didn't grasp it.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Amplified Bible (AMP)

16 Be happy [in your faith] and rejoice and be glad-hearted continually (always);

17 Be unceasing in prayer [praying perseveringly];

18 Thank [God] in everything [no matter what the circumstances may be, be thankful and give thanks], for this is the will of God for you [who are] in Christ Jesus [the Revealer and Mediator of that will].

This fall especially, I have learned to be thankful is not necessarily to FEEL it.  He doesn't say "feel thanks", He says GIVE thanks.  Even if I don't feel it, even if it's through tears, even on the hard days, even when thankful is the last thing I am.  Giving it lets it take root, lets it get in deep and anchor itself.  It's what I have ended each post with.  Not because I particularly felt it, even though sometimes I did, but purposefully saying Thank You Lord.  I know You will use even this for Your glory.  And He has.  Tonight, for the first time in two years, I am excited for a New Years eve to come.  I am glad for the people I am able to share with and for what He has done this year, especially on the hard days.....never will I leave you baby girl, NEVER will I forsake you....no, He never has.  And if I have no other reason on earth, that very one makes me forever, thankful.

One

It's been a few days.  The children came home early from their trip much to my joy and surprise and my Christmas was truly complete.  My gift, the gift of peace in this weary girl's body.  I have been wondering just what in the world God will do with all this.  2012 was a year of putting pen to paper.  In 2013, He asked me to put my fingers back on the keyboard.  That has changed my life in ways I never imagined.  The words He gave me to title my blog fit ever so snugly in my heart.  I am truly what it says, I am a girl that has seen sorrow, but oh, what a lovely thing He did when I let Him have His way.  And when I look back at it all I realize, that was just the foundational stuff, the beginning of what He wants to do in my life.  Two whole years it has been.  Some days I wonder how, how Lord, did I survive this?  He held me.  I know that.  But the beauty that has come back this year, not without pain and sorrow and struggle, but in the midst of it all. This year, learning to do the hard work when He asks me to.  Learning that if He asks, then it has purpose.  So I have slowed down.  I have been quiet.  I have had the gift of spending time with family, with friends and letting Him show me grace.  I have seen the beautiful gift of togetherness spring up in my children and in this very space we call our home.  I have seen miracles.  My word, that hunted me down and settled itself as a seed.  My word, that would be the answer I so desperately sought.  My word, that He planted long ago if I am honest.  The word that I was everything but.  The word that is how I want to live each day for the rest of my days.  Thankful.

Merry Christmas :)

That tree...you know, the one that I knew I wanted, and had visions of in my head, but it just never came to be.  It just didn't happen.  A day of grace yesterday...washing machine operable.  Thankful for the beautiful agitating water that washes all the dirt away, making it good as new again.....That tree.....it was plaguing me. I had an idea.  Not sure if it would work.  But my vision of it....so with saw in hand I found the tree that stood so tall.  I cut it down and did some pruning.  It reminded me of myself, this tree.  What you see is what is.  No fluff and no hiding.  Laid bare.  What He has called me to in this season.  This was my tree.  It didn't mind much to lose some of the extras that made it impossible to move in the space it was to fill.....I have had to lose some extra stuff too in order to move into this space He has for me.  I didn't respond quite as well as the tree though....

So I braved the upstairs of the pool house in the cold and prayed that all the nice little mice that may or may not be in there, would be sleeping with sugar plums dancing in their heads....and I found them....all 800 of them. Lights.  This is the point where if you know me, you are shaking your head....what are YOU gonna do with all those lights Miss Non-Decorator?? Happy you asked! My vision....my tree...my Christmas tree that says just what I feel....and hour and a large roll of scotch tape found me staring at the most beautiful tree....

It's frame is sturdy and strong and when you look at it, you don't see anything but the light.  And that what I want, just for people to be able to see the Light.  The stockings are full, there are presents in front of the tree, waiting in anticipation of the travelers that are coming from far away...this is a gift.  This time, this day, this space....He promised.  Thankful.

Advent Day 24 - In-between

The night before woke me with thoughts of revelation.  And as I read my book, finishing it up, the most beautiful of gifts He laid before me.  It's the in-between, you see, it changes everything.  The breaking precedes the miracle.....yes, but it's the Thanksgiving that follows the breaking and it is that Thanksgiving that ushers in the truest miracle of all......joy.  Joy in any and all circumstance.  Joy that allows tears and sadness and pain and anticipation and hope and His passionate love for us to be hurled together.....all of it. Thanksgiving.  It finally settled.  It is Thanksgiving that is following the season of breaking and it is the Thanksgiving that prepares my heart for the miracle of what is to be...whatever is to be.  It is the word He gave me long before I knew what He was saying or how in the world He expected me to use it.  It was my answer given long before I really even knew what the question should be.  It is the feeling in my heart as I walk through this day.  And so I sit, in joyful and hopeful anticipation of Him, because He is never late you know. It's the waiting that makes the gift ever so sweet.  Thankful.

Advent Day 23 - Gift

This day was long and ended in frustrations.  Being thankful was purposeful at best, yet I was.  There were so many things unbroken.  So many reasons to smile.  My world would not end because of a little inconvenience, but if you know me, the thought of no washing machine for a few days sent me into a panic that was eventually calmed by the location of a laundromat not too far away...just in case :)  Quiet....as I agreed to let Him be my hand holder through this very uncomfortable, un-normal time for me, I looked for what He wanted me to discover.  This was a day of meaning.  It was very present in my mind.  As I walked the hall, turned the heat off and whispered yet again..thank You for all of this...a most beautiful gift arrived. Words that my heart so desperately longed to hear, given to me this day, one that I don't share with anyone else...a gift to be unwrapped.  Thankful.

Advent Day 22 - Receive

My weekend found me shopping a little, buying the last of the things to complete the wishes of my two. Stockings will be full. Presents will be wrapped. There is excitement in sharing these gifts. Anticipation has found it's way round to us after a long vacation. It's here. So this on edge feeling, this tiny piece of unsettled has left me questioning....what am I missing Lord?.... Perhaps it's the gifts He is asking me to give of whispered prayers, dreams that still hold anchor in my heart, gifts to those that perhaps I struggle with when He calls me to come with open hands. Gifts of tears, gifts of forgiveness, gifts of words that need to be said. They make me tired. They make me weary. And these are the times that He is reminding me to push through. Push through with words of thanksgiving. Because I have so much to be thankful for when I open my hands to see what I hold so tightly. Receiving and giving require the same movement. The same action. Open hands. If I open my heart to give, I open it to recieve.....Him....thankful.