Path

I remember it well.  It had only been days, but the panic woke me and I could hardly breathe.  How would I do this?  What was going to happen to me and the kids?  I had no idea how this would work out....no idea.  And the fear I felt was more than I thought one body could take.  I believed at any moment my heart might literally explode.  And I tried to breathe.  Tried to sleep.  Nothing.  I decided that full time work was going to be a must.  Part time wasn't going to pay the bills.  And so I began.

Each time an opening would come, I would apply.  It was something that I knew I could do and I knew I would like.  Each application brought a no thank you email.  And so I continued.  Apply, no thank you.  Apply, no, no thank you.  Apply....and I was waiting for the email asking me not to apply anymore.  Opportunity came for two part time jobs.  Little did I know the flexibility I would need when this school year arrived.  Little did I know all the things this job that kept me hidden would teach me.  I didn't know how I would make it yet again when my preschool job wasn't there anymore.  Just me and full time and learning how to live on less again.  Yet, He made a way.  Seven long months of just day in and day out.  One missed phone call realized late on a Friday night.  I got an interview.  One panicked phone call and message left to say yes, yes, yes, I did want to interview.  Another Monday morning call to confirm.  The day arrived and I had no expectations, because I never expected I was actually going to get a chance anyways.  But here I was, yes, here I was.  And walking back through double doors she told me that the panel, all six of them, would be conducting the interview.  Oh my...not what I expected.  So I did my best and used my words and said a prayer and thought, well, I never thought I would even get that chance, so, it is what it is.  Then nothing.  Nothing.  Days passed, no word, then suddenly.....they wanted to tentatively offer me the job, did I want to continue on in the process?  Funny thing when you say yes and you have no idea what you are really saying yes to.....but no was never an option.

Diploma and card verifications and oh.....fill this out for your polygraph....ahem....huh?  This is also when you smile politely and say thank you all the while you are thinking what in the world am I doing?!?!?!  Then they call to schedule and you miss said call....twice...and finally they call your cell and you are set to go the very next day....and block off three hours...WHAT ????  If you know me just the word test insights panic...with especially horrid memories of earth science and extra credit....but there is only one way through. When the last T was crossed and I was dotted, yeah....nothing to do but wait.  And I heard nothing.  For 3 weeks...then out of the blue....reference checks began to happen.  Then nothing.  NOTHING.  Oh my lanta. And then out of the blue on a Tuesday at 4:30 my boy calls to say that I got a call saying my paperwork was all done.....when might you be able to start?  Yeah.  That just happened.

And the girl that laid in her bed two and half years ago wondering how and when and what.....yeah, she made it just fine.  And all that time and all those tears and all that random starting and stopping made her able to walk through a new door that allowed her to do something amazing.  Something she dreamed of yet never really quite believed would come true.  But He's in that business, He is.  I needed that reminder.  It's been a long beautiful week and my brain is sore from learning so much new, but I am able.  Yes I am.  Thankful.

Graduate

So many gathered on the day my girl was born. So many. My room was never empty for four whole days. And it seemed crazy that I was given this tiny human being that was dependant on me to keep her alive and thriving. What did I know about being a mom anyways? I sat in the same room I am sitting in now, looking out the window thinking "really God, I know I wanted this child, but why did You actually give her to ME? I can't do this!!" And 17 years later I am amazed that I did indeed do this. I managed to feed, care for and educate this amazing young woman that is my girl :) and Tuesday night was a celebration of all the years of her hard work. It took so many people to get my girl to this place. So many that lover her too were there to watch her be born into the next chapter of her life. She would not be the person she is without all of them and all of the experiences her 17 years have seen. She has seen trials and rough roads, pockets of beautiful and God's grace. And I am reminded that I have never seen my children forsaken. I have never seen my children in want. I have seen the favor of The Lord upon them time and time again. It does not mean that their lives have been free from hardships, quite the opposite, but God has never left or forsaken any of us. And that is the greatest gift and my most desperate prayer. That they continue to walk in His ways all their lives. Thankful. 

Upside Down

I have 5 blog posts written....waiting to be finished and linked and published. I've written most of them on my phone because that's just how it's been lately. Little time for sitting. These past few days have been early mornings and late nights, restaurant dinners and things that we just aren't accustomed too. Even my words don't cooperate. I stare at the page of my journal and write the date. And then nothing. Yet it seems the drive to work or counting coins in the cash box remind me. These days are anything but routine. These are the days of wild and dreams and amazement. And then the words come.

She came in sleepy eyed and laid her head on my knee. She saw me staring at the pages trying to comprehend. She asked if I was sad face. I smiled.  She knows this battle and she knows how these things can wound. And we don't hide words and feelings and frustrations anymore, no. I told her I really wasn't. That I very much enjoyed last night. You have to crawl before you walk. Walk before you run. And then sometimes go back and walk again. Walk beside baby girl..... Yes. And the answer comes as I sit at the stop light. I'm just not sad. Not sad at all. I am truly grateful for this chance to just love. I'm not bound by any rule other than love the way that you have been loved. And for that I realize that the freedom I have always sought is right here. Thankful. 

Holy

I have wonder why the word joy? Why that...why this year? So much happening, changes in my children, my girl graduating my boy moving on up he ladder himself. Changes at home and those responsibilities and also a huge shift in careers. I got a new job. An amazing opportunity. One I have sought after for two and a half years. So many things....good things...coming to pass. And yet for the most part I have felt less than able to handle all this. I shake my head and think to myself what's the problem? I handled major changes and downright trauma for a really long time and somehow this feels harder. Reading through one of my studies this morning it settled into my heart as I said it over and over. 

Nehemiah 8:10 Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” 

These days are holy days. These are the days of remebering so much good that has come into our lives. Some of that would have never been without the painful days. So I am reminded to share what we have so graciously been given. Our home, our food, our friendship, our love, our prayers. And we are able to do so because the joy of The Lord is where we find our strength. That word, my word, is where I will find what I need to do whatever each day calls me too. Strength is found in the ability to praise, His joy is my strength. Thankful 

5 Minute Friday - Grateful

Joining Lisa Jo and the girls... no edits, no re-writes and love those that came before.

GRATEFUL...Go...

Sitting at the table looking out the window, I feel it. We are still using snowman plates....in May. Somehow the end of this school year seems less complicated, but perhaps its me who is less complicated instead. Grateful even when I may not be happy about it all. Two healthy children, my home, over cast morning that makes running a little easier. Grateful for the branches of the trees that wave at me. Because this is where He has placed me. No accident. No coincidence. I am grateful for a God Who sees beyond my fears and doubts and has faith in His girl even when I loose my way. Yes, a grateful heart finds me content. Even if it's just for a moment. Even if it's for things yet unseen. Thankful.
Stop.

More Than A Day

She texted me to say she had gotten me something..she was so excited.  She's a big girl now, with a big girl car and her own bank account.  I'm still adjusting to this all.  She's a planner, like me.  She always circles around and includes him in whatever she happens to come up with.  It's always been that way.  When she was little she would call for him...where are you? I would look him square in the eye and tell him he better run, her tone said he was about to be named accomplice to whatever she just did.  He rarely listened.  They did everything together.  Still do, as much as two teens can with school and life.  She takes him with her for comfort, for security, for courage.  My two that have functioned like twins even though 15 months separated their births.

There were hard days when they were small.  Diapers for 5 years, bottles and nursing and cloth diapers, no sleep, little sleep, sick days, pool days, potty training, preschool, homeschool, big school.....

They have seen me at my best and also at my very worst.  How do you explain that it's never just a day...it's all the days tied together.  How do you tell them that they have been your salvation more than you care to think about?  That God knew it would be them that would make this journey of mine even possible.  That being their mother would be the one and only thing that kept me breathing some days.  That they have been my only reason to crawl out of bed and even attempt what He was asking me to do.  That doesn't fit nicely on a greeting card.  

Mother's Day is the day when you sit in Wendy's with your best friend, tears over taking your salad and ask how are these possibly my children?  These amazing beautiful people I see each morning? How did all my junk and all these years manage to somehow produce these two?  They are my heroes every day.  They have been told they can do great things....and then they do them.  They have done more things afraid than I will ever hope to.  They have loved and forgiven and grown on the inside more in their teens years than what has taken me 40 to accomplish.  They are every dream I have ever had wrapped up into flesh and blood. How do you hope to sum all that up in a day?  It's impossible.  It doesn't define the other 364 days that follow one morning of forced remembrance.  Mother's Day is the day that I prefer they spend with others. Because I have been their mother every second since conception.  That has never and will never change.  

Today I think of those waiting to become a mother, ones who are a mother even though their little ones are not here to hold, all the ones who have come along side and helped me mother these two I have.  And I pray for the ones who will come and make them parents someday.  Thankful.

Flow

I have been looking at this with much less than eyes of grace. Tears and frustration and questions can do that to a girl. Why now? Why again? Why still?

And as I woke this morning with heavy heart and frustrations that seemed to be knocking again, my little slip of prayer requested only this today....give thanks....my word on a necklace sent to me as a reminder...thankful...my verse today as I slowly moved forward with my day before the coffee had time to kick in...

Philippians 4:6 

Don’t be anxious about things; instead, pray. Pray about everything. He longs to hear your requests, so talk to God about your needs and be thankful for what has come. 

Talk to Him about my needs and be thankful.....there it is again. He hears me, He does. But He wants me to just be thankful for crying out loud. Thankful for everything that has come and will come. Thankful for today because it has purpose. And I can't do what I need to with a grumbly heart. I proved that over the past two weeks. When I clench my fists tight and grit my teeth nothing can get in, but nothing can get out either. And for me that's just spiritual death and stagnation. When the dam in my heart grows higher and higher the pressure of it all builds and overtakes my very soul. It's learning to live with open hands.  It's learning that things can be gone in an instant, but what we put into those who cross our paths, those are the things of eternity.  Thankful.