5 Minute Friday - Reach

I am reaching for anything that will hold. Reaching towards Him. Oh, these words that will not let me go. No. I read them late last night. And it is as if God opened up heaven and whispered a little secret. Just between us. Like He was waiting until just now to share it with me when nothing around me is making any sense at all. What do you know baby girl.... And I respond that I know nothing right now. I just don't know. Lean in and let Me show you....

[What, what would have become of me] had I not believed that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living! Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord. (Psalm 27:13-14 AMP)

What would have become of me had I not believed in God's goodness? That stopped me cold. How has He brought me this far? How can I trust Him in the middle of what looks like I'm going to drown? Because I believed. Some how, some way, in all the chaos that was, I chose to believe in His goodness. I chose to believe His voice when everything was in opposition to it. I believed He had a plan for my good. Not to harm me, but to  give me hope and a future. 

What would have become of this girl had I not chosen to believe the God Who called me. I cringe at what I see. Because I know that girl and all her flaws and weaknesses. But I am not that girl. No. I am not the girl who walked through that door 3 years ago. All that changed when I reached out, when I believed I would see God's goodness. The fulfillment of His promises to me. Yes. And look what has become of that tiniest of girls who had nothing left but a very Big God. 

As I search again for His way, His voice, I find it right there. Right there. It never left me. He never leaves either. Verse 14. Wait. For. Him. 

Then Mary said, Behold, I am the handmaiden of the Lord; let it be done to me according to what you have said. And the angel left her. (Luke 1:38 AMP)

Let Your will be done Lord. Just as You have spoken over me. Just as You have said. Thankful.

#fmf

Hallways

It was 3 years ago to the day. It was one of those days I was stepping out of my comfort zone. This was pretty new to me. My dad asked what I wanted for my birthday. I told him I wanted to attended an outdoor boot camp that was starting. I had been wanting to go for about a year. And this one was close to home. The first class was open to the entire community. It was a Saturday.  The day I turned 39. And i made it through and quickly realized that this was not going to be anything I was used to. Quite honestly this was going to change everything....but I had no idea.

My friends that owned it were there. I didn't realize that they weren't going to run this camp. Someone else would. And when I saw him I thought holy cow please do not let me have to exercise with him!! But he was indeed my trainer.  

I had no idea my entire life was about to change. I had no idea God was preparing me even while I was still running from Him. He was setting the stage for this crazy ride I was stepping on to. I had no idea how tattoos and yelling would push me in ways I never dreamed imaginable. I had no idea it was this trainer and his family that would sow into my life what I needed to become the girl I am. They are my family. 

This one choice opened the door to show me what strength I had deep inside, that not giving up would produce something I never dreamed possible and led me back to the church that would help save a girl quickly drowning when she lost it all. Yes, well in advance He set a stage. Friendship and opportunities and people all lined up for an appointed time. 

It is such a huge reminder to me today as I stand here yet again. Three years later on the very same day. Knowing a little more now than I did then about how God works. Knowing He's calling me into a new place. And realizing that I am scared to death. But I know if He had a plan then, He still has one now. And it scares me. Just like it did then. But I know now what He can do. And that gives me hope. Thankful. 

Timing

I was 23. She was due 3 days before I was to turn 24. And when 3 days past rolled around I say crying, on my birthday. Not the news I wanted to hear. If nothing in a week then, then, we will decide. I bawled. She was late, I was massive and it felt like I would never get the thing I had so desperately waited for. Shouldn't she have arrived by now? It's way past time. I can't take this anymore!! And even through tears my birthday ended up being special.  She will be 18 this week. 18 years. Feels like I'm waiting again. I feel pregnant with this thing God has promised. Yet it still seems so very far away. Hard to lay down our burdens sometimes. And sometimes we get to be uncomfortable right on up to the end. And the end catches us off guard and at times it feels like this was the absolute worst idea we ever had. But He brings us through. And we end up with the most amazing blessing. My girl is the most perfect reminder of that right now. Thankful. 

5 Minute Friday - Change

This word...change. I had no idea how all of these changes as of late would rock my world. They have unearthed things long since let to lie. Yes these changes have felt like a wrecking ball came right on through. But what have I learned, what is it that I know?

I have woken myself up praying, tears falling and the panic rising in my chest. And for the life of me I wonder what in the world. The fear of loosing, of being left yet again suddenly makes its way front and center. I can't tell you just how I survived it all before. But the fact is I did. I didn't die. The world didn't stop. And I learned a new normal. And perhaps it's time to unlearn it. It was only for a season it was, but changing things out to best fit what I'm walking into is not an easy task by any stretch of the imagination. The resistance in my heart is jaw dropping. Not one thing is altered in this. No ground falling out from under. No surprise threatening to be the straw that breaks things. I'm realizing that I'm not bound by anothers choices. I've made mine. And the chains that hold so tightly I am finding are my own two hands holding something that isn't mine to be undone. That changes everything. Thankful.

#fmf

Sorrow

Been thinking a lot. Lots of verses reminding me to keep my eyes on Him and my head in this race. Because He is the Author and the Finisher. He brought me here. He will bring me to the completion. I was listening to a series by Steven Furtick at Elevation Church. Death To Selfie. He spoke of our sorrows being the thing that creates the greatest strength in us.  That resonated with me. I remember fighting God about writing again. I had written for the entire year of 2012 with pen and paper. It was private. And He wanted something more. And I said no. No way I was putting my words, my struggle, my life back in public view. I had been away from social media for the bulk of the year and had just dared to venture back a bit. You want me to put these words on my blog. The one I have not written on in literal months?!? The one that talks about us and what was?? No. No I won't do it. And round and round we went. Until I knew it was utter disobedience. And so I grudgingly picked the simplest design I could find.  A new space, not the old one. Me, words, and that publish button.  And the name for my blog well, when I saw it, I knew it was mine.  Girl Made Lovely BY Sorrow....it was because of what I had been walking that God could begin to come in and change all the old and ugly dying parts of me. It was the deepest, most sorrowful thing I had faced that God used to bring about the change I needed most.  I literally lost what I felt was my security, my world, to realize that apart from Him, none of it mattered.  It would never work, never be enough, never bring satisfaction, wholeness or fill all the places that I sought so hard to cram full of what I thought would make me valuable.

So a year to the day that my world stopped, my words found their way slowly back.  I had no idea, no idea....God has done so much in this, with this.  And even in these days that have left me face down wondering who pulled the rug out from under me....I haven't lost my words.  These sorrows, they carve me out hollow.  Like water on rock, making a way where there was none before.  They carve out a place for Him to fill.  Thankful.

#whitespace

Press and Relax

I decided to go. Last week was my first visit. Today I went back. Dealing with my muscles. Keeping them in order. Not waiting until I'm in complete knots before I seek assistance. Letting myself become undone. I laid there as she pressed down on the knots, the places that were bound. And it was uncomfortable. Yet the result was relief. And as she pushed on my hip I realized how deep within the tissue the hurt lay. It was not easily accessible. It was settled deep within the muscles holding it all together. The pressing was the only way to get the pain to release. But then came the stretching. And it stopped me cold. Press against my hand.... And she slowly counted. Relax. And as I did she moved my leg over just a little further. Over and again we did this. Over and again until my leg was returned to its rightful motion.  Over and again to let it heal. The pressing in let it prepare to be moved. The pressing wasn't painful. The movement after was. But each time further along then the last. 

I have been pressed lately. The pressing finds me in a whirlwind. Numb. And then the release. The quiet. The movement. The pain. Yet I know, I know. Just a little further forward I am.  Thankful. 

Of Meltdowns and Day Ones

I ugly cried. Right there as he walked out the door, it founds its way up and I couldn't hold it back. The fear, worry, concern....it hit me hard.  Because this is day one on so many levels I can't even say. And He waits, He does until I'm flat level on the ground to whisper it...that too love, that one too.. And oh my lanta.....yeah. Because I just don't have it in me to fight Him on this anymore. This is unknown and I could lose it all. But then I already did...and gained more than I ever imagined. These days right here they suck. I'm just tellin' ya. They are not the kind for the faint of heart. They are the kind that a girl who learned to trust long ago is facing yet again. Test me and see if won't throw open the flood gates.... He tells me. Test me and see where I am anxious....I had said to Him. And so He has. And so I will. Because you either face it now or run smack into it later. This is the .1...... Thankful.