5 Minute Friday - Because

I've been writing, just don't hit publish so much.  Not for lack of anything other than rarely do I get to sit down at my computer these days.  And quite honestly, most days it's just a battle to get the words out and not feel weary of hearing them.

Become.....GO...

Because I have been lost, because I have failed, because I have been weak and unable to pray for myself. Because I have lied, cheated and stolen too. Because I have felt the fear the panic and the pain. Because I have tried to fill that void with lesser things. Because I have coveted. Because I have fallen short over and over and over again. Because I know what happens when I come to the end of myself and God takes over. Because I know what grace and forgiveness can do to a life. How it changes everything. Because it is what He asked of me. Because it is what He does for me daily. Thankful.
Stop.

#fmf

Days

Revisiting. Things that have come back into my life. It's different. I'm different. It's not my identity anymore. I'm surprised at the very little resistance I feel with so much change. I'm no less surprised at the irritation that seems to have crept in. Mostly with myself. It's not that He isn't working. It's not that things aren't changing. It's just falling down, getting back up, wanting to quit and the words of grace that continue to direct me, well you know......yeah. The change I want isnt necessarily the change that has arrived. And I have to be quiet and let that settle. 

I realize I'm sitting here where I was almost 2 years ago. And I'm different. The questions, same. Answers, same. But I'm not the same. Not by a long shot. Funny how paper clothing can make you feel very stripped away of the things that normally I might hide behind. I'm sweating because I'm nervous. And the more I wrap this paper tight, it tears. The more I wrap myself in the illusion of control the more I tear as well. And so I settle. And I breath. And I remember. And I let go. What was then isn't what's now. What I have traveled to get here......well, I'm just trusting His plan in this because let's say I want a different right back round. I want a different outcome. And it's possible you know.....Different. Change. Growth. Impossible. All of it. Thankful. 

Snip

It was a chunk. I noticed. But you know how you think, maybe it's me?? Maybe it's not really there. Not as bad as I'm thinking. It's fine.....but it was still missing. No matter how I washed or straightened or parted or twisted. It wasn't right. And I tried for 3 whole days to make it right. And so because that nagging set on top of me for said three days I took a picture and texted her. What do you think? Can you look at it?  Come, she said. So I did. And I sat down and she began the cutting away. And the panic set it. I couldn't let it stay like it was. I couldn't stop now either. I eventually ended up with about 6 inches gone and more face framing than I have had in a while. But the thing is it cut away all of the dead stuff. All of the pieces that I held on to because even if I don't always admit it, I let it define me. There is such the parallel here with what I am walking in my life. She didn't mean to cut a chunk. She is fabulous :) but had I settled in and held on because I was afraid, I wouldn't have had peace. My hair feels short!! But it feels healthy. And it looks a million times better. I wouldn't have been able to choose that on my own. Sometimes He has to force us out into an uncomfortable place so we can let go. So the new that comes will be healthy and beautiful. Thankful. 

31 Days

31 Days.....it was my challenge last year and I'll do it once again. But what to write, what to write. As is with most things writing in my world, He springs them on me. I have been reading Spiritual Misfit. Beautiful words that embraced me and my questions and all that come along with it. What if? She wrote. Yes. The what ifs. But this is different. Saying what if about God, what if His promises are true, what if His word does not return void....what if with God in the equasion, everything changes. 

I scrolled, and I saw it....what if. And there it was, there it was. My words found me, they did. They always do. He always persues. Never stops. Thankful. 

Love

Ephesians 5:1 

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.

Love like that. Some days I ask questions without answers. Some days I have to settle into the not knowing. And then the words come. The answer to all of it really. Love. I have come to know love is not a feeling or fluffy or soft or easy. It is a choice, it is strength, it is bold and long suffering. 

It. Is. Hard. 

But I was made to do hard things. Yes. I have accepted this fact. Sometimes less than gracefully. But He uncovered a strength in me long ago. And it has filtered into every fiber of who I am. Give away what you need the most. And perhaps I, who has been quite unlovable at times, am the best to give because I am the best to understand how much that grace can cover, can heal, can change everything. Yes. Sometimes the only answer is love like that. Thankful. 

Will you?

It's the quiet that comes after the breaking. It's when He binds up wounds to heal. But before He does....He plants the seeds. He whispers....will you be inconvenienced?.....will you be uncomfortable? I know what He's asking. I know where this is going. Right back round it is. And somehow that's ok. Somehow, as I drove home, it became clear...You know I'm staying Lord. Whatever is is You are asking. It's yes. I can't do it any other way. 

Thankful. 

Book Review: What Your Heart Needs For The Hard Days by Holley Gerth

I smiled when the book arrived. It arrived on the day that began a series of very hard days. My girl was excited. She opened it. She has been facing some hard days too. Seemed this is what both our hearts would need. There are times when just a word, just a hand, just a hug....can change everything. Not even in big and grand ways, but in solid truths. They can give the ability to take a deep breath and take another step. Dust ourselves off and keep going. Holley's words in this devotional are just that. Words of friendship on the hard days. They don't try and explain away the difficulties or the tears or the pain. They reach down into it with God's truth and say come on friend, here's my hand. We will do this together. The 52 entries give you enough for a year of devotions or if you are like me, one a day seems the better fit. Whatever you choose, her wisdom and the strength of her words will ring true in whatever season of life you find yourself facing today. 

Solid

Seems to be a theme for me this year. Day ones and back rounds and solid foundations. My girl turned 18 she did. Day one for real so many years ago. I couldn't believe she was real. That she was mine. God promised. He told me about her. And then she came. 

I have been so anxious this month. So much I didn't want to face yet again. But I did. And He met me. And He changed me. Then He tested me yet again. Still I hear His promises. Yesterday was not what I expected. It was more. It was solid. It was what is left when the furnace burns hot. It is the foundation left standing. The people He brings back around. The ones He put there. 

Today is a decade ago that my life changed forever. That is hard for me to grasp. I loose my words. I can't quite say I wish I could change it. Because I would not want to loose one single person I have met along the way. Maybe this was the only way to get to them. Maybe the family you begin with will not be the only ones you end with. And maybe you have to walk the dirt roads to find them. Thankful.