7

It's the week I lost my peace. Everything was on track. I thought I knew the answer. And then I didn't. It was a week of words a week of do overs and right back rounds. It was a week that I had to choose. It was a week I had to fight back my fear. And it gripped every part of me. What is the answer and how do I make this work? What do I do? And the only answer I got was be still. Be still. And it came, very quietly. In when I didn't expect it. And my heart filled to overflow and I did that thing that I was made to do. I loved. Because that's my answer. That's who I am. That's where my peace is. And when I try to be anything else I struggle under the burden of striving, of lack, of never enough. And when He says eyes on Him, it's just not about me. And then I am able. And then the real words come and the healing comes and the fear goes. Because the greatest fear is loosing my words. Letting the wrong things take over and use them up. I will never regret I love you. I will never regret kindness. I will never desire to take that back. And He gives them when I let Him. And they are life giving. Thankful. 

Rain

All my words feel all used up. Talking instead of typing. Hard words. Not fun words. Fearful words. Backbone words. I didn't want to come back to this valley, yet I'm here. And two days of quiet have left me wondering. And I keep saying I can't hear Him.....and then the rains come in a sprinkle. And I know. He's here. And perhaps that's all that matters. Thankful. 

What's In The Box

She asked for a wedding ring. He gave her a guitar. And she said what in the world am I gonna do with this? And so she taught herself to play it. And it changed her life. I was watching the story of Loretta Lynn. I look at this right now, knowing what I wanted, what I asked for. And it feels like I got a guitar instead of a ring. But perhaps the One Who is the Giver, sees what I cannot see. That what has been given will allow for something far greater than the immediate I seek. I'm sure her guitar gave way for a ring she never dreamed of when she first asked for it. Ephesians 3:20. Sometimes the box makes us question the gift. So in all circumstances, I am reminded to be ever, thankful. 

Arrivals

I thought about it as I drove over the bridge. So much different, but yet the same. The feelings themselves are the things that have changed. We are all grown up. What does that even mean? It feels like when I was 17 years old and finally got to drive on my own for the very first time. I had failed my driving test the first time. I went back the very next day. This was not going to beat me. And I passed. And the angels were singing.... Or maybe that was me saying hallelujah....  Freedom came on a Saturday morning. Hot and humid as southern summers are. And my car...well it had no a/c and no radio. And I didn't care one bit. I manually rolled all the windows down, put my boom box in the passenger seat, amply supplied with a mass quantity of brand new D batteries and I headed onto the freeway. I wore my bathing suit and shorts because it was so hot. I could shower and change at my destination. I was free. And I learned how to drive that stick shift because that was the only way I would be allowed to have a car. And I drove. Half an hour to the other side of town. I drove. I was a grown up.... Insert much sarcasm here. But I sure did believe that I had finally arrived. My heart kind of felt that kind of freedom yesterday. I looked around and here I am. All the things I have worked for, somehow settling in. And we can do this. We are doing this. And it's beautiful. And my heart is full. Thankful. 

Sunday

And so I went on the Saturday. The in-between day. I've never done that before. I always followed the rules. It's the Sunday, that day when the good has come, that you worship. That you praise. That you believe. And that has been the way I have always done it. But that isn't what He has called me too. I'm learning that sometimes you have to praise long before you see the resurrection. You have to trust long before you see the evidence of your faith. Because seeing doesn't requires faith. But this certainly does. And I woke up thinking about the grave and the two times I know God emptied it. Two. And both times the grave clothes had to be removed. When He called Lazarus from the grave, he still had to remove the clothes that bound him in death. And Jesus did as well. And perhaps I do too. The old way is gone. Something new is happening. And I can be alive as I want to be and still be bound. By the old. By the grave clothes. But I don't belong in that place anymore. And I have to remove what hinders to go forward. And it's scary walking out of that and into the new. But after three years, I don't belong in this place anymore. The stone is rolled away. Shake off the old. Because that girl, that one who went in, she isn't here. Thankful. 

The Time In-Between

It's Saturday. The in-between day. This year feels different. That I'm feeling anything at all is different. I have a tendency to just shut it down and let it pass on the hard days. That has been my salvation for the last three years. But I just can't do it anymore. And I keep stepping out more and more and falling flat on my face. And it hurts. And I want to run. But I won't. Not this time. So Good Friday lived up to its reputation and the despair of it all sent me to bed at 8 pm. Despair. I looked it up. The complete absence of hope. Is that what this is? Is this where I have parked my car? Maybe I needed to come here, to despair. What will you do in this place baby girl? Yes. That seems to be the question. It seems fitting that she texted. Are you going to church tomorrow? Not sure I said. I'll be alone.  Alone. Me too she said.  That's why I asked. I didn't want to go by myself.... Oh He sets the lonely in families, He does. And it isn't lost on me that with this in-between day, this Saturday where despair feels like it is holding hope for ransom, I will go there. And I will pray again. Believe again. Ask again. Wait again. Hope again. Thankful. 

5 Minute Friday - Good

Good. I want to believe it. I want to believe Romans 8:28, that in all things, yes even this, He is working it out for my good. Yet I'm struggling. With myself, circumstances, even my words. Even they seem to want to bring anything but good these days. He reminded me of His goodness a couple days ago. I had chosen something for someone else instead of myself. And I was fine with that. I decided to let the other go and that was that. And quite unexpectedly, the very thing I wanted showed up in the locker at the gym. Thank you.... They said. And the gift was more than a gift. He sees the hearts desire and gives it. He desires good for His children. Later He filled it to overflow. This is the same thing I do each week. And yet there was leftover. And she came asking can you spare some? And there was extra. Where there shouldn't have been. His goodness. His mercy. And I'm looking for good where there seems to be none in sight. I need to believe. I need to hope against hope that this is not the end. And I realize there were others that Friday. The others that saw the dream die. That saw what was good all but vanish before their eyes. How can good come from this horrible place? Even though they had seen things, miracles with their own eyes. They had heard the words, His words with their own ears, this seemed to erase it all. The good was no longer. Yet it was this very thing on this very day that would bring goodness into the land of the living.Death for life. The temporary grave for the eternal. Good things often come in bad packages. Thankful.