On Day One

I am happy. I realized this fact today when I looked at my eyes in the mirror. I let go of all the "should do's" swirling round in my head this week and I ran. For my whole lunch hour. I just ran. And I felt like myself again. Today marks the turning point in my life I thought that may not come. A year ago on this date my world shifted. I just didn't know it yet. A year ago on this day, a Friday it was, my world completely changed. Everything I knew was changed and it brought me to my knees. Not again....this can't be. I can't go through this again. And I let myself cry, but it settled. And when the shock wore off I knew the only thing to do was keep moving. Keep on going forward with my day. And who knew....who knew. It would be the very same day that as one door closed and other one opened wide. It was the day that changed everything. As I opened my hands to let a big part of my heart go, I got another piece right back. And there are days when missing that beautiful piece that had to make her own way in this world and the ache of that hole is enough to take my breath away, but the new piece has grown and changed me in ways I never believed possible. It's hard to love. Especially when you've been hurt, let down, had your trust betrayed, and been left alone. But sometimes someone so amazing comes right along and fills that space so completely you begin to see that there is good. There is love. There is truth. There is forever. Thankful. 

27

It's beautiful out. It's the holiday weekend. This month that has left me exhausted yet again seems to be finding its way to an end. And this journey that has taken up so many years of my life seems to be finally coming to an end as well. I am so very ready. For a time it was all buried. I don't think I realized how much I still lived in fear. And when it all came crashing down again I began to have to face it. It's been a year of that. Facing fear, pressing through. Doing hard things that felt impossible. Yes, it's been quite a year. I think He needed to change me, to grow me, so I could come face to face with the horror and not let it destroy me once again. So I could make the choice I needed to make. Feeling the anger isn't wrong. Letting it change you, control you, well that is. There is so much ahead of me. So much goodness. I can feel it bubbling up. I can feel it with anticipation. And it makes me smile. I have so very much to be thankful for. I came across the 27th psalm this morning. My favorite one...the Lord is my light and my salvation. Whom shall I fear...I am still confident of this. I WILL see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living..yes. I will. He is faithful. Thankful. 

What Do You Hear

It's a quiet morning. After a long week, I'm letting it settle in. I have realized along this road there are questions that perhaps will never have answers. Things I will just never understand. And I'm deciding that it is ok. I look around at what I do have. I look around at what survived and came from the fire. And I realize that there are some days that we need only pick one thing to be grateful for  let that be the focus. God loves me enough to never give up on me. He never quit. He walked me through a decade of literal hell. And I came out the other side. Different. Changed. And there are those with their words that want to tie you down and bind you up to make you small. To keep you from becoming. And those are the days I turn my headphones up just a little louder. And I run just a little faster. That girl doesn't live here anymore. And fear has no place. Thankful. 

Today

Somehow it just turned into the day that I realized I was right where I needed to be. I was in the place He wanted me. This was my calling. And all the things that make me doubt and all the things that keep me awake and all the things that make me feel like I'm not enough, somehow all those things fade and I know. Every experience, every long day, everything that made me wonder why, it had a purpose. And I have not arrived and I still surely battle on the hard days, but I am learning that God's grace, His mercy, is new. Every morning without fail. Get back up baby girl. It's a new day. And there is so much to be done. Thankful. 

Mother Letters

You were the game changer. You challenged everything I knew, everything with you was brand new. All the days and nights....months of sleeplessness I believed I couldn't survive. You were the one that made me fierce. You were the one that made me find my voice. You were the one who pushed me into something I didn't even know I wanted to do. You were the one who made me challenge doctors when they said something was wrong. I knew better. And I was right. You were the one who made me know I could trust myself to know what was best for you and your sister. I could do things differently than the way I grew up. It could be different for you.  You were the happiest one with all the sweet chunkiness that a baby could hold. You had the biggest blondest curls that ever existed. I cried at your first hair cut. You had and still do the most unique blue eyes, my eyes. My great grandaddy's eyes. You are the spitting image of my dad. And you have a gentle quiet about you like your Big Paw Paw. You were the first boy. And on one side, the only boy. You were born with a forgiving heart. The rarest of them all. You have always done things in your own time and your own way, taking it all in. 

You didn't talk until you were three and a half. You didn't have to. As much as your sister could manage to get her way using you as the ruse, she was never going to let you do without anything. You didn't have to speak. She knew what you wanted with just a look. We worried and lost sleep for months. We took you to speech therapy and you happily played with all the Legos. Your hearing was fine. You were fine. And the one day she busted out that echoing megaphone, you showed us you knew all along. You were just waiting for the right time. Your own time. That has been true for you in every area, every stage of your life. You have accomplished more than I could have ever dreamed for you. You did it without complaining, you made your dreams a reality and so much more. Certainly this road was nothing like I dreamed it would be. But maybe it's everything we needed. Maybe it's what got us here. And maybe that's really ok. In two short weeks you will be done with high school. My youngest. My baby. I can't hardly wrap my mind around it, yet somehow, it's exactly the right time. You were the best unexpected gift I never knew I needed. Yet God did. He gave you to me at just the right moment. I am so very proud of your accomplishments. So very proud of who you are and everything you will become. I love you. Thankful. 

Photo credit: Rachel Lindell Photography

May

My boy had his last ROTC award banquet a couple weeks ago.  We have been through four. And they have all been bitter sweet. His entire high school career has felt like we were wading through so much. Trying to just survive at first. Unsure of it all. That program was a salvation of sorts. It gave him direction and guidance and structure in school. I had worried so when he went to high school. My sweetest boy with the biggest heart. So very quiet. He of course had my girl right there with him for the first couple years. And she is fierce. You didn't mess with his without going through her she was his defender. She was his protection. Turns out he would do just fine. God placed him right square in the place he needed to be. Funny how that happens....He puts us where we need to be when we may have other ideas altogether. I wanted a front table. I wanted to be able to see him and get pictures. This was his senior year. And he has done so much. And the awards came, and he got his share, but it was the little disheveled new freshman that made his way up early, stood by our table, introduced himself and then proceeded to sit right down beside us. He was there alone it seemed. And he needed a table to sit at as well. And I had to choke back to tears....the first will be last......I had sought to be first and God reminded me in His economy there are much more important things than the most awards and recognition. As I had chosen that table for other reasons, He reminded me of what I seem to have forgotten lately. His plans may be completely different than ours. Will we see our purpose, our true reason for being there or be too consentrated on what we feel like should be? Will we let Him gently correct our way of seeing things? Will we let go of pride and let Him reveal the things that need work in our own hearts? I'm finding myself facing these questions more and more in a month that has held more ups and downs, more stops and starts than any other one in a year. Two years ago this day held the brand new start that would just be the beginning for me while it held and end to something God had placed in my heart. I just didn't know it then. And the walk through that has been long. His ways are not ours. And I am learning yet again to live with open hands. To let go of the fear that threatens to overtake and be still and know. He is God. Thankful. 

Steps

It was a long rainy week. Lots of things going on that made my world stop in a way. Tending to need of the ones put here for me to care for and love. And that is my heart. That is who I am. And in this part of my life I am allowed to be that, to give that. And I own it. This morning as I sit in the coolness with the sun shining brightly He reminds me....be still.....yes. These battles raging against and around.....He will fight, be still. And I remember days and verses of so long ago. Years where I felt unended and out of place and just not quite right. Years where I wondered....wandered....waiting. I can take a breathe now and just be myself. I spent half my life fighting for.....and now it seems with the rest I can simply be the girl that walked out of the fire. Thankful.