Five

On the 5th day in the 5th year I took it back. I think I had stood frozen for so long out of fear. Fear that it would be harder than it was. Fear that I couldn't open up a can of worms....because I knew how that usually turned out. And also frustration. Why this hoop Lord? Why can't they just follow through for once? So my irritation had built long and high until it overflowed and I determined to find the answer. And I got it. And it cost me something, but it was small in comparison to how it felt the moment I walked out totally free. Last string. Letting go for me has been a long process. It's been terrifying and confusing at times but also I've learned a lot. I'm not the same girl I was before. No,not in the least. And today it became my own. My own responsibility. My promise. Thankful. 

The 4th in the 5th year

This is a big holiday for my family. Has been for almost a decade. We all began coming back together. My dad is the youngest of 10. We spent almost each summer weekend at the river house as the kids got older. And then the 4th was the big cookout. 2012 brought about horrific changes no one saw coming. My cousin was diagnosed only months before with a brain tumor. He passed away that March. The hole was gaping. And the death of my marriage came two short months before. Suddenly. Like a death. Never expecting what was about to happen. Literally, in a span of hours, my world would never be the same again.  And the pain of the 4th and how much it showed everything we had lost that year proved too much. I could hardly stand the questions, the looks the ....you are going to be just fine's.....it was the very first day I ran 4 miles. It was hot and 8 am that day. Probably not my best decision. But it made me believe I could do this. I could go forward. I could keep breathing. The next year was just as hideous as the previous. We were still desperately trying to find our way. And it was more than we could take for very long. 2014 was a year that God was bringing healing to my heart. New changes in my life. A new job. New direction. My girl graduated. And it was truly a year I was finding myself. And I was ok with me. This was MY family. And  they were my people. And I could be there on my own. They didn't require anything of me. They loved ME. Last 4th, I had just gotten devestating news again the day before, but I had also just taken the very first step into a new life. I just didn't know it yet. I had a date. The one I had waited for. The one I was unsure would ever come. But it did. He did. And I debated about going to the river for quite some time. But I packed it up and went. And it just let myself take in all that had transpired over so many years. All that had come and gone. All that was found and lost and found again. This year, the 5th year, my word how time goes....I'll take both my guys to the river with me. One has been going since he was a little. The other will be introduced to all my big loud crazy family. And they will love him. Because I love him. And I'm learning that this circle that is life keeps going. Thankful. 

On Day One

I am happy. I realized this fact today when I looked at my eyes in the mirror. I let go of all the "should do's" swirling round in my head this week and I ran. For my whole lunch hour. I just ran. And I felt like myself again. Today marks the turning point in my life I thought that may not come. A year ago on this date my world shifted. I just didn't know it yet. A year ago on this day, a Friday it was, my world completely changed. Everything I knew was changed and it brought me to my knees. Not again....this can't be. I can't go through this again. And I let myself cry, but it settled. And when the shock wore off I knew the only thing to do was keep moving. Keep on going forward with my day. And who knew....who knew. It would be the very same day that as one door closed and other one opened wide. It was the day that changed everything. As I opened my hands to let a big part of my heart go, I got another piece right back. And there are days when missing that beautiful piece that had to make her own way in this world and the ache of that hole is enough to take my breath away, but the new piece has grown and changed me in ways I never believed possible. It's hard to love. Especially when you've been hurt, let down, had your trust betrayed, and been left alone. But sometimes someone so amazing comes right along and fills that space so completely you begin to see that there is good. There is love. There is truth. There is forever. Thankful. 

27

It's beautiful out. It's the holiday weekend. This month that has left me exhausted yet again seems to be finding its way to an end. And this journey that has taken up so many years of my life seems to be finally coming to an end as well. I am so very ready. For a time it was all buried. I don't think I realized how much I still lived in fear. And when it all came crashing down again I began to have to face it. It's been a year of that. Facing fear, pressing through. Doing hard things that felt impossible. Yes, it's been quite a year. I think He needed to change me, to grow me, so I could come face to face with the horror and not let it destroy me once again. So I could make the choice I needed to make. Feeling the anger isn't wrong. Letting it change you, control you, well that is. There is so much ahead of me. So much goodness. I can feel it bubbling up. I can feel it with anticipation. And it makes me smile. I have so very much to be thankful for. I came across the 27th psalm this morning. My favorite one...the Lord is my light and my salvation. Whom shall I fear...I am still confident of this. I WILL see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living..yes. I will. He is faithful. Thankful. 

What Do You Hear

It's a quiet morning. After a long week, I'm letting it settle in. I have realized along this road there are questions that perhaps will never have answers. Things I will just never understand. And I'm deciding that it is ok. I look around at what I do have. I look around at what survived and came from the fire. And I realize that there are some days that we need only pick one thing to be grateful for  let that be the focus. God loves me enough to never give up on me. He never quit. He walked me through a decade of literal hell. And I came out the other side. Different. Changed. And there are those with their words that want to tie you down and bind you up to make you small. To keep you from becoming. And those are the days I turn my headphones up just a little louder. And I run just a little faster. That girl doesn't live here anymore. And fear has no place. Thankful. 

Today

Somehow it just turned into the day that I realized I was right where I needed to be. I was in the place He wanted me. This was my calling. And all the things that make me doubt and all the things that keep me awake and all the things that make me feel like I'm not enough, somehow all those things fade and I know. Every experience, every long day, everything that made me wonder why, it had a purpose. And I have not arrived and I still surely battle on the hard days, but I am learning that God's grace, His mercy, is new. Every morning without fail. Get back up baby girl. It's a new day. And there is so much to be done. Thankful. 

Mother Letters

You were the game changer. You challenged everything I knew, everything with you was brand new. All the days and nights....months of sleeplessness I believed I couldn't survive. You were the one that made me fierce. You were the one that made me find my voice. You were the one who pushed me into something I didn't even know I wanted to do. You were the one who made me challenge doctors when they said something was wrong. I knew better. And I was right. You were the one who made me know I could trust myself to know what was best for you and your sister. I could do things differently than the way I grew up. It could be different for you.  You were the happiest one with all the sweet chunkiness that a baby could hold. You had the biggest blondest curls that ever existed. I cried at your first hair cut. You had and still do the most unique blue eyes, my eyes. My great grandaddy's eyes. You are the spitting image of my dad. And you have a gentle quiet about you like your Big Paw Paw. You were the first boy. And on one side, the only boy. You were born with a forgiving heart. The rarest of them all. You have always done things in your own time and your own way, taking it all in. 

You didn't talk until you were three and a half. You didn't have to. As much as your sister could manage to get her way using you as the ruse, she was never going to let you do without anything. You didn't have to speak. She knew what you wanted with just a look. We worried and lost sleep for months. We took you to speech therapy and you happily played with all the Legos. Your hearing was fine. You were fine. And the one day she busted out that echoing megaphone, you showed us you knew all along. You were just waiting for the right time. Your own time. That has been true for you in every area, every stage of your life. You have accomplished more than I could have ever dreamed for you. You did it without complaining, you made your dreams a reality and so much more. Certainly this road was nothing like I dreamed it would be. But maybe it's everything we needed. Maybe it's what got us here. And maybe that's really ok. In two short weeks you will be done with high school. My youngest. My baby. I can't hardly wrap my mind around it, yet somehow, it's exactly the right time. You were the best unexpected gift I never knew I needed. Yet God did. He gave you to me at just the right moment. I am so very proud of your accomplishments. So very proud of who you are and everything you will become. I love you. Thankful. 

Photo credit: Rachel Lindell Photography