Of Beginnings and Endings

Day 1. This ever running theme in my days. These begin agains. Reminders that things change. Beginnings happen. Just like endings. Three times now I have walked through this ending. Three whole times. And perhaps this year I am more honest with myself and my feelings. Perhaps I am more aware of the truth. But more aware that forgiveness is the only way. Every October the 31 Days. And I take it on. And I complete it. And it changes me. The hardest days to write through, yet I committed to finish. There is irony in that. I commited to finish more than 31 days of writing. And perhaps a commitment fulfilled without any sacrifice would hardly mean a thing. Then anyone would do it right? And it would loose it's power of grace and redemption. It would loose its life altering and life giving gift. I keep asking what, WHAT is it that He wants from me that I have not already given. What am I doing wrong that I find myself knee deep in this when surely it should have been over so long ago. Yet that is not even close to the answer. Write it down, make it plain.... You see I make it so much harder than it has to be. He never promised short and simple. Easy was never a part of the agreement. I keep wanting to know what I can do and what I can say and how can I fix this and how can I be enough..... I can't. And that leaves me in a heap of tears wondering why for the love He would ask such a thing of such a tiny little girl who came into this with less than enough to ever hope to stand up to the giant in front of her. And He reminds me of battles past. And I look around for my stones. And when I see them I know them. The sacrifice is the one thing that requires something of me. Not anything that is natural to me. The sacrifice of joy. Of praise. So only One can claim the glory. Which was the whole point of it all anyways. Thankful.