5 Minute Friday - Break

And it comes, the breaking. And I let it. Because the girl who is usually the glue can't manage to hold all these pieces together anymore. And so I just let it go. Let it break. Let the pieces fall. And somehow I am not destroyed. Not like I feared. The breaking just lays it all open. And it can't be contained and I wondered why the silence and I know. When I break wide open it can't be contained. And I need the air, the outside. Because inside I can't even begin to bare. And if I can be honest with myself, then I can be honest with another. And that breaking spills out and over and washes up on to everything it touches. And I am learning to be still. Because that's where the healing comes from. In quiet and trust are your strength.... Yes. In repentance and rest is your salvation. And those words spill all over me. And I see His hand. I hear His promise.  No fear, not even for a moment, just no. Thankful. 

Life Unstuck - A Book Review

I wasn't exactly sure how to approach this book at first.  Because I'm exhausted with one more person telling one more way to "get it right".  And this wasn't that.  One chapter at a time, the links between what we think and what we say and how we are created all fell into place.  And it wasn't necessarily brand new information.  It was just information put together in a way that clicked for me.  And the more I read, the more God really opened my heart.  Some of the resources she mentions I had actually read years ago and that quiet tucked away remembering cam back to light in a new way.  Reading as I did a chapter at a time as to not rush through, but take it all in, most of my reading came during my quiet time.  One such morning my girl shuffled in barely awake and crawled in bed next to me.  She peaked at the cover through one eye. "Hmmmm" she said.  "I may need to read that one mom".  I am grateful for the chance to share my faith, share my struggles and share amazing resources with my children.  This book is surely one of them.  Pat gives genuine, heartfelt and more importantly, biblical advice on our personalities, temperaments and how to use them all to be the girls He created us to be.  Thankful.

It's Not Over

It's the end of another week. One I was facing with apprehension. One I was sad and glad to see go. One filled with pain and the not so great. But one that ended with walking through another door. New doors are scary. I don't have one single answer. Not one. I just hear Him say this is the way...and the facade of control goes out the window. And the panic rises in me like I can't express. Yard work and heavy appliance scrubbing commence. Until I'm exhausted. Until the fear shuts me down. Because sometimes you have to let it run a course. And wake up the next day and keep going. Because you did, after all, wake up. Which means you have a purpose and He has a plan. "God can do anything you know, far greater than we ever hope or imagine......" Love the Message version of Ephesians 3:20. I keep saying it over and over. He can.  Thankful. 

Ten

It's the day. Like a decade. I never dreamed 10 years ago that this would be my world. My truth. Yet it is so. And I'm sitting here on the rusty stairs. Ones that have been in my life for the better part of my life. Where my people are. These steps have seen my best days, my worst fears, snot-filled sobs and long days of waiting all strung out in rows..... Yeah. 

Yesterday was one of those days you just want to get through....and then get in bed and let's be done with this. As my afternoon went on, more hard I wasn't expecting and then conversations with my girl. So much swirling in my head. I wanted quiet. I crawled into bed numb from everything. I just wanted to sleep. 

There is no feeling like being called in the middle of the night by your child. I think I hung up on her the first time dreaming it was my alarm. A tick she said. It bit me and the head is stuck in my leg....oh for the love....what does that mean?? Are you bleeding profusely? What does it look like? And my motherly advice to slap a bandaid on it and come home from school right away in the morning fell on less than happy ears. And so I tossed and turned with mommy guilt. Sigh. 

This morning found me too consumed with other things to think deeply about today. What it means. Where it all leads.....the promises I made and tried to keep. The things I have tried to hold together without success. And open hands seem to be the answer. I can't hold it all. I can't do this.

 I dropped off the vehicle for service and waited on my girl and her injury to arrive here, where the rusty stairs are. Where foundation is. She came in, I gasped in horror and we headed out the door. 45 minutes, a shot and one less tick head in the world....and as she laid there bracing for all this I was consumed by going to her, covering her. Knowing that she needed the work being done, but wanting her to know I wouldn't let anything past that happen. No pain that wasn't beneficial. And the picture of it stuck me as she lay still and let the doctor make her well. Not fun. Not planned. Necessary. And perhaps that's what these days are, all strung in a row. The fear that has made me sick to my stomach because I cannot do this one more day, hold this one more second. No slapping a band aid on it. So I'm laying still and letting this be what it is. I'm covered. Not one second, one more thing than necessary, He is watchful. Thankful. 

Time

 I just keep thinking if I can make it through this week. I know I can. Nothing is the same. I was listening to Sundays sermon from Elevation Church. "The butterfly can't go back to the way it was before. It can't be a caterpillar ever again."  "Sometimes we forget who we are until we are in trouble." Seems I did. Seems I can't go back. Both settled hard on my shoulders. I'm feeling a little like I did standing many feet above that water, jumping was the only way. And I'm feeling a bit numb. I have the head knowledge. I know what te answer is. I just have to trust myself...and mostly God....that I can do this. It's pretty much the only way. And that makes me question. It makes me doubt. Myself. Him. What He called me to in all of this. But in my heart I know. He's the only way. Fear, yeah, right in my ear. But maybe I'll loose it on the way down. Thankful. 

It's Not What You Think It Is

I have repeated it over and over all week....this is not a competition. When it comes at me from 7 different ways, that has been my shield. It's sinking in, what He was trying to tell me, to show me, during my long trek through the mud and the woods 8 days ago. What I thought it was, it wasn't. What I thought I was getting into, no idea of the real truth. Would I have chosen it on my own? No way. But it's what was needed to change me, change my perspective. Would I have chosen these last three years as the means to find my way back to the girl He made me to be? No. A million times no. Yet I am very aware that He will do whatever it takes to get His children where they need to be. And I am ever so aware that I am a child of great promise....but I have also been a child of great challenge. 

When the reality of last weekend settled deep into me....this is not a competition....it freed me. I could do exactly what I was meant to do. And the journey became something different. And so as I am facing my real life version of the tough mudder, those words....this is not a competition.....clicked. I'm not competing with anyone else. And that has to be my own choice. Because what I am here to do is use my own strengths to help those around me. And let others circle around and help me in my weakness. Because it all matters. 

I am becoming very aware of who I am. That's frightening and exciting. And I have an enemy who would like nothing more than to knock me down before I can ever get started. Comparison, fear, insecurities, worry, gossip.....all his weapons to keep me stuck in the starting gate. I had to climb a wall to get to the beginning. To hear the words that would send me on my way. It's not a competition. The goal is for everyone to finish. And if there is an emergency, if someone is hurt, stop. Place your hand high over your head in an x and wait. Then go. Maybe fast, maybe slow. Maybe at a stand still. But if you are cheering, encouraging, hand holding, waiting for help, offering help, recieving help....where in all that does comparison fit in? It does not. And it doesn't fit in this journey of mine either. So today I'm looking that fear right back in the face again.... This is not a competition. Thankful. 

On Races and Such

I was super anxious...shocker, I know. But seems like everything is just being shaken up and revisited these days. She wanted to do it, my girl. This run. This run that started it all. 5 years ago, when just 6 months earlier God sent me in a direction. That would find me right here today. Right here. I had no idea. 

I needed to challenge myself. My sister in law was doing it. So I thought maybe it might be a good way for me to encourage myself to keep moving forward. I wanted to run, to be a runner. It just felt like an impossible dream. So I signed up. Who's doing it with you?  Just me I told him. No way he said. We will do it together. So we did. And it was our thing. 

In 2012, this run fell just weeks after my world had crumbled. And I did it mostly to prove to myself I could stand up. I could make it through this...all of this I was facing. And I did it. And I haven't been back since. Until today. 

And I was hesitant. There are a decade worth of memories filling those streets, that place, that air. But I was surrounded by a cloud of witness. All of them. My people. I wasn't alone. I am not the same. And it's time to begin again. 

This was my girls second race. My boys first. And the thing that began in me has spread. And I see them growing in ability and confidence. And it makes my heart happy. Happy. It's just never about you, what He starts. He wants to use it to touch others, to start a fire, to change lives. And I feared, I did. But it left when the music startes and I did what I do. Just move. Keep going forward. You will get there. And remeber to take as many people with you as you can. Thankful.