Be Still

So I slept in. And when I woke up plans got changed and all I had was quiet. And it made me break out in hives. I've been fearing it. The quiet that settles in. Because let's face it, I'm quite afraid to hear what He's going to say next. I busied myself and then I sat down to do the thing I know He's been calling me to do. And I put it off because of fear. And the emotions of days.....years...past come tumbling down and out through tears. But I can't help but be reminded of where I am today. Of where He has brought me from. And these things that plague me over and over, well, slowly they will become distant too. This isn't easy. And honestly I'm just praying for the time when it all feels good again. When I look forward to plans instead of getting a knot in my stomach. And each time I face it, I get a little stronger. A little less sad. A little more hopeful. I've run from Christmas for the last three years. And I'm really tired. Tired of less thans and settling and the lies that say this is the best it's ever gonna be. Because it isn't. It just isn't. Thankful.