Monday, July 13, 2015
Everything is new these days. A decade a go a literal hurricane came at the beginning and laid destruction to what was. To my life as it was. And lately, a hurricane of a different sort came round and did quite the same in my heart and in my life. I sat there for a bit to clear my head. Its what I do when it all becomes too much. Somehow being outside makes it all less daunting. I let the quiet settle in. And I felt it. First a few, then many. I moved to shelter watching the drops fall on the very sunny day. I watched the rain come while skies were blue. And He whispered to me. Somehow that fits my life right now. Rain falling while there is the beauty of sunshine. All the years of waiting, perhaps making me ready for this time. All the years, a literal decade, walking through so much to make me able now. Nothing unchanged. Nothing untouched. Yet there is sunshine in the midst of all these drops of rain. New replacing old and familiar falling down to what is unknown. Yet there is a peace. A knowing. This is the way. I know because I know His voice. I know His goodness and I have learned His peace. Through the hard times. These days are not without questions. But they are filled with a very simple truth. He will never leave or forsake me. He never has. His plan is always to give me hope and a future. Always. Thankful.
Friday, July 10, 2015
What I had hoped for, didn't exactly come to pass. And somehow that settles in deep with me. You see what I hoped for held me for, well, what I hoped for. My hearts desire. It just isn't packaged like I believed it would be. I just had to get to the point I could be open enough, to trust enough, to let Him do this. His way. I have had many days where I felt like my hope was lost. What was the point? And then that little bubble would rise to the top and show itself. Hope floats. I'm looking around these days watching new things grow out of barren ground. Watching new things come right in the middle of destruction. Watching all those choices and all those days and all that hopelessness turn itself right back around. I have given up on my own idea of what should be. Because it just isn't. And holding on to that makes it impossible to make room for more, for better, for hope. I am learning these days that He put something in my heart for a reason. He made me the way I am for a specific purpose. And instead of fighting it I just need to give myself permission to be. And what I am most of all, the absolute greatest lesson I could have learned is simply this....to live always, thankful.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
I wasn't looking forward to the day, but I wasn't dreading it necessarily. I was at peace with it. I was a bit wistful with the memories. 4 years it has been. And in the cool of the afternoon I realized I was still surrounded by my people. My own. It's just some of my people weren't there. But what settled in deep is that they are still mine. A part of me. Somehow deep inside I knew. 4 years ago the pain was searing. It took my breath and I couldn't stay in the place that held memory from as far back as I could think. The waves of them threatened to drown me. But on that day, in this year, I was a stronger girl. Oh the waves, they came, but I let them. And they told me something that I couldn't see back then, what I didn't know.
We floated out, she and I. Three months apart we are. I'm the oldest. And that smallest of separation has always shown in us. I could get us quite into a heap of trouble. Our laughs, our voices, still the same, she and I. Like the little girls who snuck out of bed, wanting to be a part of the party too, days of together like sisters. Our dads are brothers.
We had one of the littles pull us out into the waters far away from the shore, over and over.....one thing kept repeating itself. Those waves? They brought us right back to shore. Right back home. No matter how far we went out. We eventually made it right back. To where we belonged. To our people. And I smiled. I smiled at the wounds that have healed and are becoming something I never dreamed. I felt the new ones, fresh and still so painful. But the waves. They come back. They bring you back. In time. Thankful.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
We drove up and it settled in hard. Another redemption. Right back to where I had three years earlier. Only it was different. I was different. He reminds me of my strength, how far I have come. Where He brought me from. This day, reeling from news that rocked me to my core. This day, feeling like the day months before three years ago. Yes. One thing I have learned is to do it afraid. I have to there is just no other way. No. Lean in and trust that the One Who delivered me before will show up. Again. He promised. Thankful.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Day 1. Funny how they sneak up on you. When my eyes opened I knew. I just knew. What it would hold however, I did not know. And as I rounded the corner to go to work there it was. And He whispered....I promised. Yes. Yes You did. And I am learning to believe. Learning to trust. And when the bottom fell out, I remembered. He showed up before it fell to remind me. He promised. Now what to do with this? He reminds me His strength is mine. His heart is mine. His words are mine. And when it all threatens to undo me, He reminds me, yes. I know the promises. And He will not fail. I have give up trying to figure out what this is all supposed to look like. Because this is nothing like I ever dreamed it would be. Sometimes that's good. Sometimes it feels just awful. But the strength that has come is something I never expected. Not in my wildest dreams. I see it. I feel it. It takes my breath. He gave me a mirror to hold up each day to remind me. Because I so often forget. And then I run. But not this time. Strength for Day 1s. Thankful.