Tuesday, June 30, 2015
As much as I dislike it, I have learned to press in to the quiet. There is reason and purpose. I find it when I don't run. Seems that what has been stored up in the quiet comes at the proper time. I find myself well equipped when I don't run. Just don't run...stand firm and look it in the eyes. And that fear slowly fades, it does. For what can it truly do? 4 am came and I didn't sleep through it on this day. Something called to my heart. Something made me wake with ease. These are days that I am all too familiar with. Days, weeks, months of walking. Familiar paths for this soul. Yes, I know when He calls. There is purpose in every pain, every struggle. It etches deep within and becomes who we are. Why so much Lord? Why so very long? Because we return to the familiar, to what we know in days of fear and pain. And as much as I revert at times to the old there is this...He re-wrote something in me. Those deep and heavy grooves of familiar have changed. And seemingly the things that used to comfort and define do not. How will we know this then? By His testing. By facing the very things that had once left us dazed and confused and grasping for relief, we now lean into, we face them...even if it's with shaking legs or face down from the fall. We look up, then we get up. And we begin again. Thankful.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
DREAM...GO......I lost something while dreaming this dream. Somehow, someway I lost the thing that I had learned, that was really the most important thing. That no matter what, I found my faith. I found who I am. And I was good in the waiting. Except that waiting, well, it took its toll on me. I began to wonder. I began to question. And then it all just fell apart and I began to wonder if I ever even heard Him right. And so the more I try to open doors and make a way myself, the more I just keep falling flat on my face. Every. Stinkin'. Time. So as I am gettin myself picked back up again, I kinda said I just quit on this. It's done. It's just over. And then I read a blog post today and it reminded me. Without this, what is it I would have to write about? What would be my story? Would I know what I know, have learned to love the way I do, would I have been changed the way I have? Could I have become the me He wanted me to be? I have learned to keep dreaming in the face of all looking lost, all being lost. And somehow that hope finds its way back it does. And my verse read through very exhausted, anxious eyes this morning reminded me of a very simple truth...
So let us seize and hold fast and retain without wavering the hope we cherish and confess and our acknowledgement of it, for He Who promised is reliable (sure) and faithful to His word. (Hebrews 10:23 AMP)
It's not about my faithfulness, but His. It's not about the promise made and broken by another, it's about learning to trust and praise the One Who never fails....no never. Thankful.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
It comes back around when I look for it. I remember what got me here in the first place...
[What, what would have become of me] had I not believed that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living! (Psalm 27:13 AMP)
Because I can only imagine what I might have become....
But I remember in all of this, He had a plan. He still does. I remember how the smallest of seemingly inconsequential decisions and choices led me here. Even when I wasn't seeking Him. When I was running the complete opposite direction. Right back round is where I always ended up. Nothing makes much sense these days. The things I thought I wanted, they don't hold the weight I believed they did. The things I believed would make my life complete simply can't measure up to the girl I am. So what is left? What is this dream that will not leave me? I don't know. But the answer seems to be followed by the question in this season. Yes, I believe it's the right one for now...
Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord. (Psalm 27:14 AMP)
Thursday, June 25, 2015
I think you can be well and sad all at the same time....(Lisa Jo Baker). Well then, that just says it all. I let go of another piece today. A big piece. One that changed things for me. So I embraced the new. It took me two days and two trips, but here I am. Little by little. I am well. I'm in the right place. But I get a bit sad. I took an extra day, just to be. Just to get this all figured out...for right this second. And I'm just going to choose to be hopeful. I'm not done. Not by a long shot. Thankful.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
I detest parental celebration days. I just do. They make me itchy and want to hide. I'm not sure if I will ever recover from the hatred of them. It's that bad. After a string of long and exhausting days that left me more confused than ever, I had a plan for said parental celebration day that threatened to send me into a mood that can only be rivaled by the worst PMS....I was going to tie up all my little loose ends this day. Even if it killed me, I was going to gain control of something in my life, since everything else seemed at best, to be going the other direction.
Funny how that doesn't work.....but a girl can pretend. And that false sense of security unravels quicker than you can imagine. I checked off my list with a speed unmatched in quite some time. And it began with sheets really. The sheets I had resisted buying. Because I hate new. No more changes Lord. Just leave something familiar in tact. And after a week of sleeping on the top sheet because I had a hole the size of Jamaica in the fitted sheet, I knew this was the day. And it was. I found them in 5 minutes flat. And they were not what I was searching for at all. But they were the ones. The ones. I feared I would never find them, the right ones. Because I was searching for what I just KNEW was right for me, all to no avail. Couldn't find it to save my life. And here they were. And they are reminding me each time I get ready for bed this week, new is ok. What we thought was the plan may not be. And that's ok too. It might take longer than we dreamed but it's ok to let go of what perfect is in our head and perhaps find a better perfect for where we are right now. A set of sheets opened that door. As ridiculous as it sounds, sometimes it's the most unassuming choices that lead to the biggest answers. Thankful.
I put in my request and I hit send. I hated to ask. It's just not me. But I knew I needed it. So much swirling around me. I just needed relief. It's hard for me to say I just need a break. But I do. I have way more questions than answers. But this is my life. And it is a really good life. And as much as I look around and shake my head because this is never what I pictured, well, it's still beautiful. Even with all the imperfection. The last week has pushed me beyond my comfort and understanding on every level. Pulling away the pretenses and asking me to show what's really on the inside. Loving those who have nothing to give in return. And as the days pressed on and hard seemed unrelenting the scrapes and bruises from the outside mirrored what I felt on the inside. It comes at me and I can't breathe. I forget sometimes. I forget how far He has brought me. I forget that there is nothing, and no one, to fear. Fear of failing, fear of want, fear of being stretched, fear of new and unknown things. Fear. That some how all this time has been for nothing. But I know better. I do. And I'm letting Him have His way. Even though this is horrificly uncomfortable. It's a process. An uncovering. An intentional revealing. To pull away the old and let the new emerge. And I just have to walk this. Fear and all. Thankful.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
I asked. Well, begged really. Because I couldn't take one more second. I knew it was the absolute wrong choice. Yet here I was. Again. And it was all just too much. I can't do this. You know I can't. Not on my own. There is just no way. I need an out. I just need help. Please. And it felt like most every other morning. And I continued on. But I realized something. He knows the outcome. And no matter what, He loves me. And quite unexpectedly, He gave a way out. And the frustration settled. Because it was not what I wanted. But it was best. More than that though I realized, He heard me. He answered me. He rescued me. From myself. Each time makes me trust Him more, know Him more, rely on Him more. I'm not in this alone. I don't have to figure it all out. Call to Me He says....yes. And so I did. And my faith was strengthened. Not because I got my way. But because He is present. He is near. And His best is what He wants for me. Thankful.
Friday, June 12, 2015
I'm reminded in these days of late, to just be thankful. I'm learning just to live right here in today. My mistakes are not fatal. Just keep getting back up. I don't have to hold on to things. It's ok to just let go. Letting go isn't the end. It doesn't mean you loose. It just means you open your hands. Opening your hands doesn't mean you close them again as soon as something finds its way in either. This is new for me. This uncomfortable for me. And I'm learning to decipher what is important to me. I am learning to heed the lessons I have already learned. I'm learning that not everything is the right thing and not every person is meant to be in your life. And that's ok too. I thought single was going to be the end of me. Maybe it was just the beginning. The quiet that used to scream at me how utterly alone I felt now has become something I treasure. Because I'm not alone. I never have been alone. I just needed to learn that a relationship doesn't determine my value, my worth. Finding a relationship is the easy part. Creating a life is the challenge. This isn't how I thought things would be. But they are pretty amazing. And when we stop and choose to see the beauty of whatever place we find ourselves in, then we have accomplished a life truly lived. Thankful.
Friday, June 5, 2015
This thing that has haunted me for literal years..strangely, seems like a gift. That's not an easy thing to say. So much lost, but I have found so much a long the way. In this time. In this season. Right here. I sat last night in the quiet looking over the place He set me. Here. 20 years ago. Half my life in this place, yes. I have tried a million times to leave it. But He holds me here. How many gifts have I tried to give back, to escape....because they don't look like anything I would be wanting, anything that could possibly do me any good. Yet they are the very thing I need. The very thing I most desire. Just not the way I thought they should be delivered. His gift of love and mercy and kindness. The gift of forgiveness, compassion and empathy. The gift of giving. The gift of receiving. In His time. Thankful.