Friday, December 25, 2015
It's Christmas morning. This is the first year in five that I have actually woken up, filled stockings and turned the tree on to signal that indeed, something has taken place. This Christmas hasn't necessarily felt like Christmas. Everything is different yet again, but mostly in a good way. Life isn't perfect. And I think as much as you have change when you are younger, marriage and children and things of that nature, eventually you have change of another sort. Christmas and Thanksgiving were huge deals in my family. My family on both sides were large. I grew up surround by aunts and uncles and cousins. We did everything with family. And things just change over the years. Watching my children grow up has been the biggest one. And things for the last few years have been a struggle. How do you celebrate when there's a hole a mile wide? This year brought a lot of healing. This year brought a lot of change. This year brought many new beginnings. This year brought Christmas back to my heart. The stockings are hung. I'm up before all with coffee. It's much safer that way :) and I get to soak in this Christmas morning that was not rushed, not dreaded, not wished away and prayed for to be done so I could escape the ever crushing feeling of not ok. Because it is ok. I am ok. We are ok. And this is a good place to be. Merry Christmas. Thankful.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
I see the anxiety weighing on him. He feels like there should be some magical plan. One very right answer. And one shot to get it right. He's every ounce of me in that respect. And I could see it on his face. So many options. So much he wants to do. And it paralyzes him. What I have learned is that we can make all the plans we want. God determined our steps. His plans trump ours every time. It never really made sense to me. If that is so, then what's the point? It's not that we don't have choices. We certainly do. But He takes all those things and works Romans 8:28 into every single one of them. When we are shoved off course by another's persons choices...His plan will prevail. When we are so very terrified that about making yet another wrong move....His plan, it will prevail. When we look at all that seems so wrong and wonder if it will ever be made right, His word says He will prevail. I'm looking back on four years of Christmases. Wrong turns, wrong choices, wrong attitudes, wrong motives.....yet I'm here this Christmas Eve, looking at how He strung it all together. And how His Hand is so very visible. In spite of everything and everyone else, His plan prevailed. No need to fear. Eyes on Him is the path to our hearts desires. Eyes on Him will not lead us astray. Thankful.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Three days until Christmas. This week, goodness, this whole entire year, nothing like I dreamed. Nothing. The sentiment around me everywhere is this doesn't feel like Christmas. It truly doesn't. I realize last year was really the last time things would be a certain way. Transition. That is what this year has been. I'm exhausted on levels I don't have words for. I'm ready to rest. Ready to literally sit on the couch and watch tv all day. If you know me, you know that is an unheard of feat. I'm rarely still. Lots of change has come. And it's good. Some of it a little scary. But sometimes you have to be willing to go before you know. And I'm ready. Thankful.
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
It's quiet. I have 5 more minutes before I need to get moving. But I really want to just sit here and let the quiet settle in to my heart. I'm trying to listen. Trying to hear what He's saying. What He wants from me. Some days that seems impossible. Some days it's just flat out hard fought. This has just been a really hard year. No getting around it. But this has been a really good year. No denying that. I'm not overly anxious to move into a new one. I feel like this one hasn't even really sunk in. So many changes. So much new. I keep waiting to feel like I've got this. Perhaps that will come at a much later time. Perhaps. Moving into a new year of the completely unknown. Maybe that's ok too. Thankful.
Sunday, December 13, 2015
There is a Christmas tree in my den. Not quite sure what to make of it. There hasn't been one here since 2011. That's a really long time. In 2012, we went away for Christmas. Being here seemed like more than any of us could bear. It was stress on a level I can't really put into words and when it was over I was left facing the hardest year of my life at that point. I thinks it's when I began to hate the holidays that I had once loved so very much. 2013 was a year that had shaken my world in its own way. But I determined that somehow some way we would make it. And a solitary leafless tree held 400 lights. It's branches all lit up. And some beauty found its way back home. And the kids had a fabulous Christmas. Last year the same tree made its way back in. The mantle got decorated. And although the gifts were less we had settled in. We were making a way. Lots had changed in 2014. And lots hadn't. And suffice to say, there were many things we were just over. Period. Sitting here reflecting over this last year there were huge changes in my life. Literal nothing left untouched. Many of those things were blessing and such an amazing way to see God answer prayers. Others were and continue to be, crushing examples of how not everything is gonna always make sense. Little things happen along the way that turn into big things. Things that knit us together or pull us apart. Coming out of the last two weeks has been hard. And this morning I am so very thankful that I'm mostly over all this sickness that has hung on for what feel like forever. I'm thankful that even in the strangest of ways He meets me and answers my requests that come from the heart. I'm thankful this morning for His provision. That when everything else fails He just doesn't. I find myself craving routine, memories, traditions. All the things that have been seemingly lost in the fire that devestated my life. All things burned away. Nothing left standing. And I wonder what will be in place of those ashes. Thankful.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Day 9 of this sickness. Finally feeling better although this horrific virus caused a bursting forth of a fever blister..Right. Under. My. Nose. Seriously. I had determined that I was going to let this thing run its course and let my body fight it off as long as I could. I think sometimes we run to a doctor way too quickly. And I hate medicines. But I sure have been thankful for Abreva. So I'm pretty snotty and swollen from all this....and I'm pretty vain I realized rather quickly yesterday while sporting my cold sore that makes me look like lip injections gone horribly wrong.....trying to find any positive in this. I had already scheduled to take this day off. I was sure glad of it when this morning rolled around. Rest has become something to seek out in these days. I managed a brief workout last night that left me very sweaty and breathless after the first 5 minutes. But a week of down time is something I haven't had in 4 years. This is a hard season. I'm grateful for all the blessings of this year, terrified at times of what the future holds, but excited at the same time. Missing my girl. Everything is just different. And that's life. I've been through transition before. My prayer is that He keeps my foot from slipping. He knows the way I take. He knows. He leads. He guides. He is in control. And that makes me ever so desperately, thankful.
Friday, December 4, 2015
This illness has gotten the better of me this week. In my attempts to get out the door and head to work yesterday I failed to realize that fall air had arrived in the overnight. And those sandals I was wearing were wholly in appropriate. Yet, there was no time for change. Seasons of life seem to come just as quickly. Leaving us feeling unready, unprepared and sometimes exposed. I didn't expect this season to come at me like it has this year. And I didn't expect to be sick for an entire week. Yet both seem to have purpose. I'm trying to sit still, be quiet and listen to what my heart...and my body...are telling me. Both going against the grain of what I feel like I should be doing. To rest, to wait, to just sit quietly and take it all in. None of these things come natural. But I'm reminded that handing it over daily has always been the requirement. When I settle down and listen with my whole heart, the rest come, the peace settles in and I know He is near and that leaves room for whatever change this season brings. Thankful.
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
The words stung as they rolled out. I took them personally. They stabbed my heart. And I quickly shut down my own natural response. Because it's ugly. And those lashes rarely heal. And as I took the time to let them settle in, they became a mirror. Perhaps my recoiling was that those words revealed a bit of rawness that I have been overlooking. It is, perhaps, these things that make us look with different perspective. And wake up in places that we have been content to be lax. It challenged me. It made me reach out where I should have quite some time ago. Reminded me of prayers that needed to be said. But it also called to me to remember who I am. And not be swayed by or fall into the trap of comparison. I am who I am for a reason. The girl I am is on purpose. My purpose. And I have to continue to live before Him open. Willing. Unashamed. Pliable. Hard things for a girl like me. A girl quite able to put on that person she believes she's expected to be. But I don't want to live my life that way. Challenges. Thankful.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
It's the first day of the last month of the fourth year that came after my day one. I deal in numbers. Daily. They make me happy. Comfortable. They are reliable and sure. They are finite. There is always one right answer. Wouldn't it be lovely if life were so easy. I'm battling illness. That sounds a bit dramatic. But it feels just awful and I can't breathe out of the left side of my nose. I can't bare to call in sick. I've only done so once in my job I love so. I drank enough coffee to float a boat this morning....that coupled with some Motrin gave me false hopes that I could do this. I made it until lunch time. I worked extra hard to have everything finished. Tidy. Nothing left undone. It would be nice if life were more like that. I feel Him calling me to still. To rest. And this would be a way He would choose to speak to me. To get my attention. To slow down and not rush this season like I have in the past three years. To look around and be ever so aware of how far He has brought me. And how far He wants to take me. Slow down sweetest girl. There really is no rush. Each day is a blessing all its own. Even ones with sore throats and stuffy noses. Thankful.