Friday, September 23, 2016

5

This is the fifth year that I have walked this road. The one I didn't choose. The one I never wanted. The one that changed me and made me who I am today. Blessings inside of destruction. This is the 4th year I have walked standing on my own. Learning that I can do hard things. That they won't destroy me. This is the third year that everything stopped looking like what it was that carried me through those days of becoming. Where things fell away again and I was left standing still. This is the second year when things began again. A new life unfolded. And I moved on into this new life. This is the first year of a journey that is just beginning. It's hard and I have no idea what's coming. And most days I want to run. Because fear....well, we are old friends. But not this time. No. Thankful. 

Friday, September 9, 2016

Low

It's a slow process for me. This healing. And if I'm honest, the heal required a whole lot more breaking than I imagined. She texted out of the blue. I knew then it was a set up. God's own. He does that. I smiled. Remember? She asked. I surely do. And these string of days that are quiet they aren't an accident. It's just the uncovering of many months of healing. The beginning when the brand new strong places are still soft. But they are ready to be uncovered. Ready for light. Ready to go forward. Healed. Fresh eyes. New perspective. But the history that helped make you who you are today. He brings us what we need when we go forward. Not necessarily what we want. I've been resistant to some things of late. And I know it's His own timing. So much new ahead and it scares me. I know I can't possibly do this. Perhaps that's the whole point. He calls us to the impossible. And He reveals His strengths in our weaknesses. Back round. Humbled under His hand. I am familiar now with this. And though it slightly gives me pause I know this time. I know. The girl who gets up from this is not the same. Thankful. 

Saturday, August 27, 2016

27

It's the day. My day. The one I struggle with. The one that has made me feel less than. The one that is forever a reminder. But it's mine. It's been five years since this day, my day was on a Saturday. It began with hard work that would be life changing. It ended with the reality that my world was crumbling. I look back now at how much has happened and how far I've come. How much I've learned. How the struggle changed me. And I wouldn't go back. Not even for a second. There is much ahead. Much more to this life. It's the first morning in quite a while all is silent. Everyone is at peace. And I had plenty of time to wake up on my own. Plenty of time to let the blessings soak in. This is the second one of my days I've gotten to share with my one. My own. One that left my card right where he knew I'd first go in the morning. Because he knows me. He hates to see me sad or hurting so he sends me unexpected flowers just so I'll smile. Just because. These are the days I prayed for. These are the days I wondered if they would ever come. And they did. Yes. And so I'm going to let this rest and peace settle in deep today. No looking back. No. Only forward. Thankful.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Dust

He remembers we are dust....those words settled deep in my heart this morning. He remembers who we are, what we are made of. And He is faithful. Even when we are not. Even when we fall. Even when we think what in the world is the purpose for all this. He remembers. Fall is coming. I can feel it. It's still hot and muggy outside, but change is heavy in the air. And it's translating to more areas than just the weather. Everything is different. Not one thing like before. And all these new things springing up, yes Lord, I do perceive it. The realization that things have changed. My world, my responsibilities, my children, my relationships. Me. And though I walked quite a while with things feeling quite like walking a dessert, He's bring some things right back round, yes. He does that. Something things revisited that I realize I have no answers to. Those things I must let go. But then others, quite unexpected grace.  I've had days of quiet. Beautiful days. Pressing in and pressing forward. I've had to let go of the things I have held so tightly to so I could find some rest. Some peace. Me. So I could find myself again. Above all else I wanted to remain humble Lord. The hardest thing of all. To love others more than myself. The lesson you taught me all these years. You alone are my provision. Thankful. 

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Fly

My youngest began college yesterday. College. No school supplies or first day drop offs or fee bills. For the love, no fee bills. It was a very quiet and unassuming start. And I breathed. I got them to functional humanhood. The adulting shall come later. Baby steps. No need to rush it. Because, bless, it WILL come. Such transition. Such change. Such new that really isn't. We just walked on through that door. I was secretly happy on more levels than I imagined. I've mothered for 20 years. And I took a breath. I opened my hands again with my last one. There is a joy in that. I let the sadness of it go a long while back. They can do hard things. Because we have. We sure have. And they have it in them. To be amazing people. To love and give and change the world around them. And regardless of it all, I'll always be mom. Home. Thankful. 

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Psalm 91

Hidden. That was the word. And I wanted to be. There have been times that I wanted so desperately to be anything but. And looking back I see the great growing that came from it. Hidden. Under His wing. Laid low under His hand. And it made no sense. Yet in hindsight it taught me. Where to return to when the whole world keeps spinning so fast I can hardly breath. Return, He said. Thankful. 


Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Five

Five years. That's how very long it's been. My life was changing in drastic ways. God was preparing me, even though He was destroying all that was. Protection. Wrapped in loss, betrayal, heartbreak. He set me in a place that was new. He surrounded me. I had to grow into the skin of the girl I would become. And that was not easy. The ones I walked with have all fallen away. And I have made peace with that. It's not wise to hold onto things well past when we should have opened our hands. A time. A season. The open door that saved me is closing, yes. And as much as I had planned to do it a certain way, life happens. My life. Five years later things are very different. So very different. But the pressing, the entering into new is certainly not. I find myself here yet again. The old closing. The new waiting. Thankful.