Sunday, September 17, 2017

Shift

I stepped out the back door that Sunday morning, I felt it.  That shift.  It was a Saturday 6 years earlier that I had first felt a shift like that.  On the same day.  My birthday.  On this morning, a cool breeze hit me. It brought back memories. I see how far He has brought me.  How very much has changed.  I felt a mix of excitement and anticipation this time.  Six years ago on my birthday I started this journey.  I had no idea what I would be facing our who I would become.  I didn't really even know I had become a traveler.  I'm a different girl than I was back then.  I have seen things that God used to hollow out that place in my heart.  Things that change you forever. That very same feeling came again.  This has been a life altering year for me.  In so many ways a back to square one year.  The stripping away and restructuring left me feeling more out of sorts than I care to admit sometimes.  I had high hopes that birthday morning. I still do.  But I had no idea with all the shifts and changes that death of another kind would face me one week later.  Death that would devastated and I would need to be the hand holder like I have never been before.  I know that death ushers in life, no matter if you are the soul passing from here to the eternal or you are one of the souls left behind.  I have seen the other side of a death.  Things seem colorless, days feel dry and arid. Nothing falls in to place. I could be terrified.  Actually I am quite anxious....but He said be anxious for nothing.  That hard in the wake of someone loosing a parent, dealing with all the aftermath of closure, new jobs, less money and a whole lot of unanswered questions. Yes.....but what is it that I know?  What is it that whispered to me that morning marking the anniversary of my birth?  You were made for hard baby girl......you can do hard things.  Yes.  He created me for that.  Sometimes the hardest thing is feeling unseen and perhaps like these littlest of things seem to be so inconsequential.  But they are not.  This is the way He made me.  Sometimes the smallest things are the very greatest things.  The unnoticed.  But He notices.  And He asked me so long ago would I please?  And I said yes I would.  These are the things that make me, complete me and remind me that every person is important.  Every task great and small matters in the sight of God.  There are times when the smallest become the biggest and there is a time and a season for everything He set under the sun.  Yes....that hand, that quiet sit with a loved one, the sharing of tears when words aren't necessary, that ability to do the hard things is the loveliest of things.  Because when you are faced with the shortness of this life and loose someone so close, no one cares what car you drive or how much money is in your bank account.  They care that you just showed up.  He reminds me yet again that this is they way.  Things get torn down but He builds them back.  Stronger and more beautiful that we could ever hope for or imagine. Thankful.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Open Hands and Being Still

Its been quite the summer.  One of losing things, things I clung too for quite sometimes because, well....You promised....and if His promises don't look like I believe they should then what?  Because not one of them fails.  And I know what He said.  All those many years.  But this has been of season of my prayers being answered with open your hands..... Its terrifying to me.  But I did.  One drop, one step, one mustard seed of faith....And I see Him.  I see all the new and can't imagine how He's gonna bring any of it to pass.  But as He pulls me more and more into the quiet and I shout these desperate prayers, He answers.....when I settle in to the stillness and I listen.  Every little thing. A faith that is tested is a sure faith.  A solid faith.  Where else would you run when you already know Who to run to?  Because you have been there....here....before.  And those waves they take you over momentarily, but then you remember.....Each time the branch is cut back it grows again, stronger, more able than before.  Wiser, bearing more of the fruit He planted deep inside it's own DNA.  Open up your hands....because you have to let go to be filled anew.  Thankful.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

On the 5th Day

These days feel slowly methodical.  But they have made me stop, made me quiet.  I remember the summers of an actual break for so many years.  It's been five since that has been my life.  As my world changed, so did my need for working and providing in a different way for my children.  And I'm grateful for that.  But along the way, a more hectic pace set in and I began wrapping myself tighter and tighter.  Rest replaced with movement.  And I have just been plain tired.  This has made me stop again.  Letting my soul and my mind heal perhaps as much as my body.  Today feels like those summer of long away, yet without the heaviness.  Without the fear, the dread.  The lightness from all these burdens being taken, removed.  I realized this morning that yesterday was very different, and it was another year, on this holiday, that everything changed drastically.  What I knew just wasn't anymore.  And it felt so strange.  I felt uncomfortable almost in the new skin I had acquired.  That day, the celebration went from very big to very small.  And so it began, a new chapter, a new tradition that would span a decade.  Last year would be the last I would celebrate it in such a way, I just didn't know it then.  This year was new.  Small.  Quiet.  And I felt uneasy in my skin but also peaceful.  That familiar new beginning I didn't register until this morning.  Solid doors closed that decade ago.  Solid doors closed this year for me as well. I'm grateful for these walls that have literally held me for all of my adult life.  I have been here longer than anywhere else in my years.  This is home.  This is where I belong.  So many stops and starts.  Beginnings and ends.  Yet here I am still, where He placed me.  I am blessed.  I'm finding that in this crazy new little detour, He has actually called me to go first.  I'm not surprised by this.  I've been here before.   He made me the girl able to do hard things.  He gave me the tools, the ability, all those years ago.  Only He had to quiet me again to see, to listen, to stop and be prayerful and hear.  So much healing.  Thankful.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

The 4th in the 5th Year

It feels like a Saturday morning to me, yet it's Tuesday.  Half a year gone already.  I can't quite wrap my head around the speed in which time seems to be passing these day.  It's been steaming hot as of late.  I will take all the sun and steam over the last few weeks of the endless days of rain.  It's been a week of being home.  Recovering from some life changing things.  And I feared it for a long time.  Held on way passed what was feasible because, well I do that.  I'm not an easily open hands kind of girl.  I am the one that runs to Him saying....but don't You remember what You said??  What You promised?  Yes.   And if I have learned anything on this treck of mine it is that He well knows all He dropped into my heart.  It's just that it doesn't always look the way I planned.  So I clench tight my fists.  Holding on to any semblance of control I can muster.  And He stands with me, waiting, whispering, until I finally let go. 

I woke this morning feeling good.  No pain.  Like I'm finally getting back to myself again.  And it struck me, this was the hardest day of the year for me before.  This was the time we celebrated, this was our family event that rivaled Christmas.  And it looks a million times different than it ever has before.  And it is good.  And I am grateful.  I have always feared change.  And Lord knows that sure hit me square five years ago.  And this structured girl learned to live outside the bounds of comfort.  It changed me.  He changed me.  And today, this year is no different.  My planner does not dictate His plan.  My earthly desire do not control His divine purpose.  In the end, I'm just a girl seeking Him over and over.  Everyday.  Some days way better than others.  Thankful.

Friday, June 30, 2017

Water

Today is the very first day of no rain.  I was cautiously optimistic.  I saw brightness peeking through and prayed that just maybe....after three weeks of this, maybe some sun.  And then it came. In all its steamy glory. And I put on sunglasses and asked my boy to set my chair for me. These days of slow moving and healing inside and out have more to do with my heart than I'd like to admit. He got everything just so and watched me sit down. 10 minutes. 10 beautiful minutes in the warm soaking heat. I was sweating by the time I made it in but I didn't care. I pulled a book off the shelf and began re-reading it again. It has been a few years, but I quickly realize..... It shall be one of those books. Yes. The words hit me all at once and I know. Tears fall in place of the raindrops...... Because those words He has been whispering all along the way of this path of late. There. They. Are. Forget those former things....the past... I'm doing something new, don't you see it?!? And I do. I do see it. Like sunlight piercing through deep veiled blinds I do. And as I have let go of quite a bit this week He holds my hand and whispers.... I've got a plan....thankful

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Scars

They scared me the very most.  The scars.  But as I settled in to this things that I knew I needed to do I was reminded...I do have scars.  All that has been the last few years, leading me here.  Making me able to do what I needed.  A big door shutting.  The definite no.  The end of something...and the scars to prove it.  Yes, I have walked such the similar path, with scars on my heart, yet somehow it made me more able to live.  More able to appreciate.  More able to go forward in spite of fear.  In spite of these new scars, I feel better.  I'm thankful that He set me in just the right place at just the right time to do what I have needed to do really for quite sometime.  I let go of the fear keeping me from being healthy and making the hard choice to loose something only to gain a better life.  Funny how we hold on so very long to what is, wanting to keep all the things out of fear.  Holding on to the toxic, life draining things, because without them, well, there is the unknown.  There is loss.  But then again, there is such gain on the other side.  I'm learning to give myself grace in this.  The process.  The healing.  And all that is to come.  Thankful.   

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Five Minute Friday: Purpose

It's been a while so here it goes...Five Minute Friday.  No edits just write.

PURPOSE: Go

I have been questioning my purpose these days.  What all of it means.  Such a different place than I ever supposed, but here I am in brand new territory again.  All the things that I once believed were my purposed have shifter.  But I beginning to understand that seams come and they go.  And what we learned from the last becomes new purposed for the new.  My workouts have changed, my love of food and how I share that has changed.  My job and coworkers have changed also.  And my family is a lot different too.   None of these things did I ever expect.  Yet somehow, I see God's purpose in them.  Some easier to understand than others.  They all have purpose.  And while some days I try desperately to figure out His hand in these things I remember, He is working them all for my good.  My job is to seek Him.  And some days that looks different than others.  That's okay too.  I'm still that girl running after His heart.  He taught me that.  And perhaps that's the purpose of all of this.  Thankful.

Stop.