Saturday, August 27, 2016

27

It's the day. My day. The one I struggle with. The one that has made me feel less than. The one that is forever a reminder. But it's mine. It's been five years since this day, my day was on a Saturday. It began with hard work that would be life changing. It ended with the reality that my world was crumbling. I look back now at how much has happened and how far I've come. How much I've learned. How the struggle changed me. And I wouldn't go back. Not even for a second. There is much ahead. Much more to this life. It's the first morning in quite a while all is silent. Everyone is at peace. And I had plenty of time to wake up on my own. Plenty of time to let the blessings soak in. This is the second one of my days I've gotten to share with my one. My own. One that left my card right where he knew I'd first go in the morning. Because he knows me. He hates to see me sad or hurting so he sends me unexpected flowers just so I'll smile. Just because. These are the days I prayed for. These are the days I wondered if they would ever come. And they did. Yes. And so I'm going to let this rest and peace settle in deep today. No looking back. No. Only forward. Thankful.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Fly

My youngest began college yesterday. College. No school supplies or first day drop offs or fee bills. For the love, no fee bills. It was a very quiet and unassuming start. And I breathed. I got them to functional humanhood. The adulting shall come later. Baby steps. No need to rush it. Because, bless, it WILL come. Such transition. Such change. Such new that really isn't. We just walked on through that door. I was secretly happy on more levels than I imagined. I've mothered for 20 years. And I took a breath. I opened my hands again with my last one. There is a joy in that. I let the sadness of it go a long while back. They can do hard things. Because we have. We sure have. And they have it in them. To be amazing people. To love and give and change the world around them. And regardless of it all, I'll always be mom. Home. Thankful. 

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Psalm 91

Hidden. That was the word. And I wanted to be. There have been times that I wanted so desperately to be anything but. And looking back I see the great growing that came from it. Hidden. Under His wing. Laid low under His hand. And it made no sense. Yet in hindsight it taught me. Where to return to when the whole world keeps spinning so fast I can hardly breath. Return, He said. Thankful. 


Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Five

Five years. That's how very long it's been. My life was changing in drastic ways. God was preparing me, even though He was destroying all that was. Protection. Wrapped in loss, betrayal, heartbreak. He set me in a place that was new. He surrounded me. I had to grow into the skin of the girl I would become. And that was not easy. The ones I walked with have all fallen away. And I have made peace with that. It's not wise to hold onto things well past when we should have opened our hands. A time. A season. The open door that saved me is closing, yes. And as much as I had planned to do it a certain way, life happens. My life. Five years later things are very different. So very different. But the pressing, the entering into new is certainly not. I find myself here yet again. The old closing. The new waiting. Thankful. 

Saturday, July 9, 2016

Thin Blue Line

I'm not a news watcher. I haven't been for a number of years. It's too much. Perhaps that is naive of me in some ways. But mostly it feels like self preservation. Soul preservation. And it just keeps getting worse. I hear about the news. The place I go to each day, my family away from home, deals with every one of the ugly things that happen in this world. Yesterday morning I heard the news. And it broke my heart. The building I walk into everyday is where those that protect and serve come and go. They are real people with real lives. Real stories. Real families. They are flesh and blood behind that uniform. They work what they love, what they were meant to do. And it takes everyone pulling together to make it happen every person doing their job so they can get up and go out each day and answer the calls that keep us all safe. They work endless hours, miss important events, drop meals mid way through, if the need arises. They see and hear things that people just shouldn't. They are cussed at, lied to, spit on, hit, and wrestled with at times trying to do their job. Keeping you safe. I have been the one at home waiting for a phone call. And for the last couple years, I have been in the other side, seeing first hand what all happens in the day to day. The people I went to work with became my family. You have good and bad, fights and arguments, misunderstandings and hurt feelings. But you have those who quicker than you can turn around, have your back. No matter what. They are those that hold your hand, make you food, heal your wounds and spend hours consoling broken hearts. Your family too. It's not a job you leave at a building. Not something you turn off at 5 pm. It's who you are. It's in you. It's a beautiful calling. It's a terrifying one at that. I rode the elevator up to my space yesterday. I shared the ride with a mother and daughter. I smiled. My own child sits on the floor below where I began. With the people who are my own. With the ones who love him too and huddle around and pour their knowledge into him. Helping him to become what I know God made him to be. In this world that's a scary thing. That's my baby. My youngest child. But I know that it's the ones like him that are game changers. World changers. And it's those that let you sleep at night. I walk the halls each day that are filled with the ones who live out the beauty of scripture...No one has greater love [no one has shown stronger affection] than to lay down (give up) his own life for his friends.” John 15:13 AMP
They live and breathe it. They would not hesitate. Thankful. 

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Morning

It's really early. I just can't sleep. So here I am, wide awake with a pen in one hand and my phone in the other. Most days it's hard to write really. My journal feels more like a log than anything else. This is what normal is....real life....? The last decade has felt anything but real. The things we walked though still leave me shaking my head. This morning I slipped into the den quietly and laid on the couch. I haven't done this in quite a while. But I remember how it used to be almost a daily occurance, when sleep seemed like an ability that I had lost forever. When the quiet of the pre-dawn pressed in and it felt like this was my only peace, because who knew what the day was going to hold. These were the days I learned to pray. The whispers of words. The hollowing out of all that pain. These were the days that I learned how to breathe by running. It saved me. I look at myself in the mirror and I see a very different girl. So many years have passed since those horrible days...weeks...months. And the normal I prayed for quietly found itself right at my doorstep. New. Nothing like I dreamed. Yet the thing that I learned most about me is how to get back to center. How to come back to the quiet. How to settle my soul. The storms of life come. I learned how to swim. So much was lost in the fire that consumed my life. Yet so much lovely has grown. So much more. So I'm sitting here on a morning much like the years of the past. Only they aren't. These are the days of change as well. But He has equipped me. He has made me strong. Able. And He gave the the ability to love. Thankful. 

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Five

On the 5th day in the 5th year I took it back. I think I had stood frozen for so long out of fear. Fear that it would be harder than it was. Fear that I couldn't open up a can of worms....because I knew how that usually turned out. And also frustration. Why this hoop Lord? Why can't they just follow through for once? So my irritation had built long and high until it overflowed and I determined to find the answer. And I got it. And it cost me something, but it was small in comparison to how it felt the moment I walked out totally free. Last string. Letting go for me has been a long process. It's been terrifying and confusing at times but also I've learned a lot. I'm not the same girl I was before. No,not in the least. And today it became my own. My own responsibility. My promise. Thankful.