Monday, January 23, 2017
It's been quite the while since I've written. I still write in my journal, the way I have for the last five years. But this past year was quite different. It was a year of great transition and upheaval and change. It was just hard. That's not to say that beauty hasn't come from so much of that or that hard is necessarily bad. I'm just exhausted way down deep in my soul. All the things that kept me going for such a long time just don't anymore. All the things that made sense seem a bit cloudy these days. I find myself in this new year craving quiet. Wanting so much to let my heart settle in to this life that has been given to me. I'm finding the deepest need to love and care for those right close to me. I miss so much days and afternoons of coming home before everyone and cooking and caring for my home. Here last few weeks have felt full and rushed. Some night I haven't gotten home before time to jump right into bed only to do it again the next morning. And that's not sustainable. That's not who I am. This year feels ever like the need to clean out and weed out and simplify. To take stock of all that is. To rest up and gather to myself all the things necessary to go forward. Writing has a different purpose for me now. I'm not even sure what. Just different. And that's okay. It will come just the way it did before. It's a part of me. Part of who I am. Necessary. Thankful.
Saturday, December 31, 2016
It's New Year's Eve. New. Years. Eve. 5 years. And this is the year that so many doors shut. So many doors. So much ended. And here I am walking into a new year having no idea. Yet again. But that's okay. Because the old is passing away. Yes, I perceive it. And the new. Yes, the new. Thankful.
Saturday, December 10, 2016
December is coming...I knew what she meant. December hasn't come in a long time. Yet amidst these long days, a weary girl rejoices. This year has just been long. It's been difficult. Full to the brim of transition. With each end a new beginning. And starts and stops are hard regardless. I have had my share. And I'm learning to shake off the old things. Some that have been for decades. It's freeing and terrifying. Yesterday was the very long end to a very long week and I was at the point of complete and utter exhaustion on every level. So much so that I turned the radio off and just let the silent come in and soothe my heart. The wood was very wet but I got a fire going... A fire. Tiny at first. But a fire. I had dreamed of one in that space for many Decembers. It's been five years. And it seemed pretty dead. Yet when I opened the door that beautiful smell. That amazing glow. December. It came back. And it brought its embers to this girls heart. And there is hope in that. December is coming. Thankful.
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Maybe Jesus is just saying no.....and those words so simple and so very to the point rung out in my soul. He was comforting me. And those were the words he knew would make me stop and listen. Don't try and force it.... How many times have I done just that? My wants my dreams my plans. They seem good. They seem like things that surely are the best. But the whole ordeal of this has left me wondering. It's been a few months of wanting something only to have this knowing suspicion that perhaps this isn't the way. And it utterly frustrates me. I have stopped and started this thing for 20 years now. And it seems as though it just may never be. And I'm not quite sure I'm okay with that. I felt a quiet come as we talked it out. Not the answer I wanted. But the answer that gave peace all the same. And I'm no stranger to Jesus just saying no. I'm no stranger to a door shutting I just knew was the one He wanted me to walk through. I'm no stranger to frustration and questioning and waits longer than I ever imagined I could live through. But I am reminded on the other side of a no is a better yes. And I am certain this will be no different. Give thanks in all circumstance has been what has followed me in days of late. And so even in my no I will choose to be thankful.
Thursday, November 24, 2016
It's Thanksgiving. It's been a long journey from what holidays once were for me. I come from big family celebrations. And these have been drastically different years. Hard to believe it's been five years to the day that the devastation began. But this year, things have changed. All the destruction and devestation. All the years of literal cringing at the holidays, wanting nothing more than to fast forward through weeks of reminders of the gaping hole left in our lives. We learned to pull together. We learned survival. And then we learned to live again. This year I woke to a beautiful cool sunny morning. Peace in my heart. He has begun the rebuilding. He is repairing all the things. Water slowly rises in the hole in the earth that has given me more grief over the last 4 years. All things new. New wine skins. New beginnings, new challenges, new direction, new love, new family. More than I can put into words. Many have been the stops and starts on this holiday as I look back over the last couple decades. And that has been stiring in my heart. There are things still undone. But I have great faith they will come back. Quiet beginnings. Don't despise the small. And so it begins again, yes. And that word that found me so many years ago. My beautiful reminder that came to stay. Thankful.
Saturday, November 19, 2016
I'm letting the quiet settle in this morning. Heavens how my souls needs it. This week has felt like a battle ground and tears have been quite abundant. I'm not a stranger to hard things. And I spent a bit of time remembering. Looking back. Wondering. As I'm facing so much hard and unknown yet again, I see He has placed me purposefully. I'm surrounded by so much strength as I walk through so much transition. I'm not doing this alone. And there is peace in that. I'm reminded that growing is never easy. That it is hard and yes, it will involve struggle. I'm trying to see this all with new eyes. New perspective. I'm where I am for a purpose. He's given me all I need to succeeded. He is what I need. And I am finding more and more as I did way back then, the struggle pushes me to Him. Deeper into a knowing. Deeper into a dependence on the One who has the plan. And will I trust Him yet again with a way that seems so very wrong, but has in the past, turned out to be the very best thing? I think I will. And in my own heart that tiny bubble of hope rises again. And I remember that feeling in the midst of the storm. Thankful.
Monday, November 7, 2016
Change. It's brings anxiety for me. And perhaps much of that is understandable. It has been a long few years of constant change. It began on a Thursday afternoon and feels like it hasn't stopped since. It's like a roller coaster you can't get off. And I've lost a lot. But I have gained ten fold. And as much as I let the waves of worry sweep over me I was reminded yesterday. I went shopping. I was hesitant. But I needed some things. I saw someone I hadn't seen in a few years. Our children were the reason we knew each other. She was asking about things. And I found myself talking frankly about the last few years. Some things she had no idea. And the conversation ended with her saying she admired what I had come through and looked how it made me strong. Yes. I took note that as I spoke of the past, they were words telling of God's faithfulness. They were resonating right back into my own soul of how far He has brought me. And the thing that caught my attention was how those old wounds really have healed. To speak of all the things with no tears, no pain, just a sharing of what I walked, has never happened in that way. No anger. No upset. Just a recount of how things aren't always perfect. But that God's grace is. The words reminded me that even when I have no idea of the outcome, He uses all things. Because I am His child. On the good days and the hard days and the days I fall way short. I. Am. His. As I am facing such an unknown coming my way, this week I'll be reminded of my word. The one that found me so very long ago. And it will be my focus this week. Thankful.