Thursday, November 23, 2017

On the Fourth Day

My eyes typically open these days before the sun.  Today was no exception.  I remembered I didn't have to get up just yet.  It's Thursday.  Not any old Thursday, one that carries special weight.  I hated Thursday's for a really long time.  Five years to be exact.  They brought me the worst news a girl could shoulder that year.  I held my breath on the fourth day of the week.  My word found me a year or so after that. It was what God was trying to write on my heart.  In the hardest of days, it's what He wanted me to grow up to be.  And when I look around this year, and so much time has passed, Thursday's have redeemed themselves.  I got asked to spend the rest of my life with the one who has the most precious heart on the fifth day....a Thursday.  The very same day and date that brought destruction, five years later brought completion.  Healing.   And when I opened my eyes today, there was not hollow and empty.  There was fullness and life.  Any preconceived belief I have ever had in perfection is long since gone.  Life is a battle.  There will always be things not quite okay.  But what is the state of your heart?  What do your eyes see?  Mine see a beautiful do over.  This new chance I've been given.  Love and acceptance and grace, on the good days and not so good days.  A place where I belong.  So on this day, maybe a little more than usual, I woke up and found myself thankful.

Monday, October 23, 2017

When It Rains

To say that I have been a hot mess as of late is nothing short of an understatement.  There is a list I have seen in circulation that has the biggest stressors a person can face.  We have pretty much managed to nail most of them in about the last eight weeks.  There are times when things just become more than one can process.  And last week was surely that for me.  I found myself in tears yet again and asking God why??  What in the world is the purpose of this thing and that thing and all the other things that seem to slam into me with a force that has taken my breath away.  As I sort through the why's, He is there to remind me of the Who.  Why, when You answered so many prayers am I wading through these waters of uncertainty yet again?  Why, when I have every thing to be grateful for am I focusing on the littlest things I truly cannot control? Life is not neat and tidy.  Nothing in my world is right now and that brings the fear.  Fear of loosing my voice and myself again.  Fear that makes me shut down because some days there just isn't any fight left.  But I remember.  I remember all the days and all the quiet and all the hard and all the things I have walked through.  I'm still here.  All of that brought me to this place.  And just as that had purpose then, this has purpose now.  Only I'm not blind to the process.  And maybe that's the biggest fear of all.  I know how hard it is to walk this road.  But I also know the beauty along the path.  I know the places where I just need to sit and rest.  I know this forces me back to Him, where I don't takes steps blindly, but guided on the dark days when nothing seems to make sense.  There is good in this.  There is a plan He has.  It's ok to not  have every little answer.  Seek and you will find.  Knock and it will open.  Ask and you will receive.  Thankful.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

It Hit Me Like A Hurricane

I opened my eyes and made my way to the kitchen.....we made it through and slept peaceful.  I am thankful for power this morning to make my coffee....and then it hit me.  And it brought tears to my eyes.  Thirteen years ago a September hurricane ushered in the most difficult time in my adult life.  For the last six years I have walked through a season that has changed me forever.  I had no idea how long or even what would come of it all.  But this morning I realized that this very rare late October hurricane brought in the new.  We planned our vacation, went to our favorite place....and he asked me.  Will you be my forever?  Forever.  The words this girls heart has always longed for.  The words that this girl finally believes.  He asked me....and I said I will.  And I meant it with my whole heart.  Two days later we packed it in and headed home early. A very unseasonable hurricane was headed straight for where we were staying.  We made it home, got things settled and then waited it out.  We never lost power....and slept sound through out the night.  This is the first hurricane I have experienced since that one thirteen years ago.  I lost a tremendous amount in that storm.  It was a foreshadowing I chose to ignore.  But here I am all these years later and a storm brought me my greatest gift.  God showed me that even in the most devastating of times, He still has a plan.  He is still in control.  And those storms in life sometimes bring about great destruction.  But sometimes they bring about things you could never imagine in your wildest dreams.  Thankful.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

In the Quiet

I tend to mull things over and over for great lengths of time.  I'm not, by nature, an instant kind of girl.  I like plans.  I like solid.  I don't do spontaneous easily.  When I get an idea it scatters into a million what if's and how is the best way.....and I have to digest it.  I have to let it translate and process into the best laid plan.  For whatever the reason, I had decided that long weekend was the right time. And quite honestly, how hard is adding paint to only three walls? Yeah.  I am blessed with one who see beyond my vision and comes to my rescue. The one who taped off all the places so I could keep it neat and tidy, the one who ran to Lowes to complete my vison.  We worked hard all the day.  It was the evening as I was cleaning and arranging the room into what I was envisioning, that he called.  And our world changed forever.  What strikes me as amazing still is that God prepared a place for me.  He knew exactly what was coming, exactly what I would be needing in the storm that was about to hit.  He created a quiet place, a place of rest, a place of beautiful...a place just for me.  I sit in that room, in the quiet everyday now.  I was literally finished, just making things tidy when the storm arrived.  How in awe I am still, was that the next day, we were already off from work....Labor Day.  And it was.  We quietly tried to decide what was the next right thing....yet God had set it in motion.  Come over, we are all here...and so they were.  A beautiful sea of family gathered round' the one who felt so alone...yet he wasn't.  Through whispered fears and tears and words and hugs and food, they held each other.  By showing up they said we are with you.  Not one of us had any answers going in, but we came out with direction.  And simply stated...where you go, we go. What you face, we face. What we have, you have. And it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed.  It was family pure and simple.  It was what God commands us to others as Christ loves us.  The hands and feet of Jesus.  Hands and feet....go to and serve with.  It's not about is so very cheap.  It's showing up and perhaps not saying anything at all.  But the mere presence alone speaks volumes.  You are not alone.  Thankful.


Strange how trauma makes you speak louder.  As if somehow the volume can force back what you are hearing. Like it can change the inevitable reality from hitting you square in the face.  He called, which alarmed me.  Was there an accident? And then his words...WHAT? I yelled, and he said them again and I couldn't decide which way to go.  I'm coming...that's all I could manage, I'll be right there.  The strangest thoughts cross your mind, they do....I have on orange flip flops and my hair is a wreck.....I look homeless....and it was the longest drive.  I wanted to get there fast and not at all.  I needed to see but then I felt nauseous.  Maybe he's wrong.... The lady in the church van in front of me all.the.way.....she drove 20 miles and hour in the loaded passenger vehicle and all I could think was lady you have got to quit singing to Jesus and get out of my way...I was praying to Him  When I pulled up there was only my dry mouth and fear.  I saw him....all 6'4 of the brick wall he is.  My protector, my stability, my rock....and the tears.  How does 5'1 gather all of that into herself and comfort her one that needs her to be strong? It was true, his words that he spoke over that phone.  All my loudness didn't change what was.  And at that moment I felt as if I knew nothing.  At that moment I experienced a grief that I have never known before.  How do you comfort when you have no idea......

The days, the decisions, the unanswered questions....we just kept showing up, the only things we knew to do and God made a way.  When it seemed impossible, God provided.  These days I need to be reminded of that.  There is great transition in my life.  And I need the reminder daily that small is the answer for me. I do not have to have the answer, I just need to be present. He took me in to the quiet almost six years ago.  Everything stripped away and that is where I found myself....and Him in the most truest sense that there ever has been.  He showed me who I am...and Who He is.  And He calls me back there.  In these last weeks I have become utterly overwhelmed, to the point where exhaustion finally took a toll and I had to stop for a day.  There was no other choice.  As I sat in my quiet space with much needed tears streaming down my face, He whispered what is it that you know? And as I let the question settle deep inside my heart His answer was there.  I read the words that I had been so needing to hear.....Rest now. Then rise up....Yes. He brings me low to remind me and then lifts me up to be who He made me to be.  I tend to forget the rest.  I tend to loose myself and forget that I am not made for constant movement. Rest now....Then rise up.  Thankful.

Sunday, September 17, 2017


I stepped out the back door that Sunday morning, I felt it.  That shift.  It was a Saturday 6 years earlier that I had first felt a shift like that.  On the same day.  My birthday.  On this morning, a cool breeze hit me. It brought back memories. I see how far He has brought me.  How very much has changed.  I felt a mix of excitement and anticipation this time.  Six years ago on my birthday I started this journey.  I had no idea what I would be facing our who I would become.  I didn't really even know I had become a traveler.  I'm a different girl than I was back then.  I have seen things that God used to hollow out that place in my heart.  Things that change you forever. That very same feeling came again.  This has been a life altering year for me.  In so many ways a back to square one year.  The stripping away and restructuring left me feeling more out of sorts than I care to admit sometimes.  I had high hopes that birthday morning. I still do.  But I had no idea with all the shifts and changes that death of another kind would face me one week later.  Death that would devastated and I would need to be the hand holder like I have never been before.  I know that death ushers in life, no matter if you are the soul passing from here to the eternal or you are one of the souls left behind.  I have seen the other side of a death.  Things seem colorless, days feel dry and arid. Nothing falls in to place. I could be terrified.  Actually I am quite anxious....but He said be anxious for nothing.  That hard in the wake of someone loosing a parent, dealing with all the aftermath of closure, new jobs, less money and a whole lot of unanswered questions. Yes.....but what is it that I know?  What is it that whispered to me that morning marking the anniversary of my birth?  You were made for hard baby can do hard things.  Yes.  He created me for that.  Sometimes the hardest thing is feeling unseen and perhaps like these littlest of things seem to be so inconsequential.  But they are not.  This is the way He made me.  Sometimes the smallest things are the very greatest things.  The unnoticed.  But He notices.  And He asked me so long ago would I please?  And I said yes I would.  These are the things that make me, complete me and remind me that every person is important.  Every task great and small matters in the sight of God.  There are times when the smallest become the biggest and there is a time and a season for everything He set under the sun.  Yes....that hand, that quiet sit with a loved one, the sharing of tears when words aren't necessary, that ability to do the hard things is the loveliest of things.  Because when you are faced with the shortness of this life and loose someone so close, no one cares what car you drive or how much money is in your bank account.  They care that you just showed up.  He reminds me yet again that this is they way.  Things get torn down but He builds them back.  Stronger and more beautiful that we could ever hope for or imagine. Thankful.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Open Hands and Being Still

Its been quite the summer.  One of losing things, things I clung too for quite sometimes because, well....You promised....and if His promises don't look like I believe they should then what?  Because not one of them fails.  And I know what He said.  All those many years.  But this has been of season of my prayers being answered with open your hands..... Its terrifying to me.  But I did.  One drop, one step, one mustard seed of faith....And I see Him.  I see all the new and can't imagine how He's gonna bring any of it to pass.  But as He pulls me more and more into the quiet and I shout these desperate prayers, He answers.....when I settle in to the stillness and I listen.  Every little thing. A faith that is tested is a sure faith.  A solid faith.  Where else would you run when you already know Who to run to?  Because you have been  And those waves they take you over momentarily, but then you remember.....Each time the branch is cut back it grows again, stronger, more able than before.  Wiser, bearing more of the fruit He planted deep inside it's own DNA.  Open up your hands....because you have to let go to be filled anew.  Thankful.