It's been a while so here it goes...Five Minute Friday. No edits just write.
I have been questioning my purpose these days. What all of it means. Such a different place than I ever supposed, but here I am in brand new territory again. All the things that I once believed were my purposed have shifter. But I beginning to understand that seams come and they go. And what we learned from the last becomes new purposed for the new. My workouts have changed, my love of food and how I share that has changed. My job and coworkers have changed also. And my family is a lot different too. None of these things did I ever expect. Yet somehow, I see God's purpose in them. Some easier to understand than others. They all have purpose. And while some days I try desperately to figure out His hand in these things I remember, He is working them all for my good. My job is to seek Him. And some days that looks different than others. That's okay too. I'm still that girl running after His heart. He taught me that. And perhaps that's the purpose of all of this. Thankful.
Sunday, March 5, 2017
It's been quite the while since I've written typed words and quite the while since I have run on the outside. I decided this weekend I would do both. I realized as I ran the roads I had become so accustom to, much has changed in the scenery. And I remembered as I ran, how many days I had traveled those exact same roads, but the feelings....they are so very different. A couple years back, a friend who had walked a similar road to me had come out of the other side and was in a different place. She said "I can't run like I used to. It frustrates me. I'm not angry anymore". At the time I couldn't quite wrap my mind around her words. But yesterday when they came to mind, I smiled. I don't run like I used to anymore either. Running literally saved me. Mentally, spiritually, physically, it was my out. It was how I could pour out my heart and emotions and lay prayer after prayer on those roads. Miles and miles of tears and words and breathing and the ability to make it one more day. God gave me that precious gift. My manna. It sustained me. As I ran yesterday I didn't feel that push, that strain that need for air. I ran slower and took more time. I was taking things in more than letting them out. Same for my words I suppose. Their purpose also so very different. I used to pour my heart out in my writing and blogging. It saved me too. God gave purpose to them and He taught me how to use them in ways that would build up and not tear down. Suffice to say, that is always an area for improvement. It's been over five years since the bottom fell out. Since my life as I knew it was destroyed. Since the very answer to my prayers was the complete destruction of what I knew. I lost so much. But I gained so much more. There are the ones that I miss daily and that are a constant in my prayers. But just like God promised me that March morning, literal weeks after the destruction came...Joel 2:25. And He is reminding me lately so very much, look around baby girl....I know you see it...yes. I do. The literal way back restorations coming forward. Perhaps no one else would even notice. But I do. The tiniest of things, restored. All brand new. And I can't help but be terrified and excited all at the same time. I keep asking for a road map....He keeps shaking His head a bit I'm sure. Because He know the plans He has for me...and that is all that really matters. Thankful.
Monday, January 23, 2017
It's been quite the while since I've written. I still write in my journal, the way I have for the last five years. But this past year was quite different. It was a year of great transition and upheaval and change. It was just hard. That's not to say that beauty hasn't come from so much of that or that hard is necessarily bad. I'm just exhausted way down deep in my soul. All the things that kept me going for such a long time just don't anymore. All the things that made sense seem a bit cloudy these days. I find myself in this new year craving quiet. Wanting so much to let my heart settle in to this life that has been given to me. I'm finding the deepest need to love and care for those right close to me. I miss so much days and afternoons of coming home before everyone and cooking and caring for my home. Here last few weeks have felt full and rushed. Some night I haven't gotten home before time to jump right into bed only to do it again the next morning. And that's not sustainable. That's not who I am. This year feels ever like the need to clean out and weed out and simplify. To take stock of all that is. To rest up and gather to myself all the things necessary to go forward. Writing has a different purpose for me now. I'm not even sure what. Just different. And that's okay. It will come just the way it did before. It's a part of me. Part of who I am. Necessary. Thankful.
Saturday, December 31, 2016
It's New Year's Eve. New. Years. Eve. 5 years. And this is the year that so many doors shut. So many doors. So much ended. And here I am walking into a new year having no idea. Yet again. But that's okay. Because the old is passing away. Yes, I perceive it. And the new. Yes, the new. Thankful.
Saturday, December 10, 2016
December is coming...I knew what she meant. December hasn't come in a long time. Yet amidst these long days, a weary girl rejoices. This year has just been long. It's been difficult. Full to the brim of transition. With each end a new beginning. And starts and stops are hard regardless. I have had my share. And I'm learning to shake off the old things. Some that have been for decades. It's freeing and terrifying. Yesterday was the very long end to a very long week and I was at the point of complete and utter exhaustion on every level. So much so that I turned the radio off and just let the silent come in and soothe my heart. The wood was very wet but I got a fire going... A fire. Tiny at first. But a fire. I had dreamed of one in that space for many Decembers. It's been five years. And it seemed pretty dead. Yet when I opened the door that beautiful smell. That amazing glow. December. It came back. And it brought its embers to this girls heart. And there is hope in that. December is coming. Thankful.
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Maybe Jesus is just saying no.....and those words so simple and so very to the point rung out in my soul. He was comforting me. And those were the words he knew would make me stop and listen. Don't try and force it.... How many times have I done just that? My wants my dreams my plans. They seem good. They seem like things that surely are the best. But the whole ordeal of this has left me wondering. It's been a few months of wanting something only to have this knowing suspicion that perhaps this isn't the way. And it utterly frustrates me. I have stopped and started this thing for 20 years now. And it seems as though it just may never be. And I'm not quite sure I'm okay with that. I felt a quiet come as we talked it out. Not the answer I wanted. But the answer that gave peace all the same. And I'm no stranger to Jesus just saying no. I'm no stranger to a door shutting I just knew was the one He wanted me to walk through. I'm no stranger to frustration and questioning and waits longer than I ever imagined I could live through. But I am reminded on the other side of a no is a better yes. And I am certain this will be no different. Give thanks in all circumstance has been what has followed me in days of late. And so even in my no I will choose to be thankful.
Thursday, November 24, 2016
It's Thanksgiving. It's been a long journey from what holidays once were for me. I come from big family celebrations. And these have been drastically different years. Hard to believe it's been five years to the day that the devastation began. But this year, things have changed. All the destruction and devestation. All the years of literal cringing at the holidays, wanting nothing more than to fast forward through weeks of reminders of the gaping hole left in our lives. We learned to pull together. We learned survival. And then we learned to live again. This year I woke to a beautiful cool sunny morning. Peace in my heart. He has begun the rebuilding. He is repairing all the things. Water slowly rises in the hole in the earth that has given me more grief over the last 4 years. All things new. New wine skins. New beginnings, new challenges, new direction, new love, new family. More than I can put into words. Many have been the stops and starts on this holiday as I look back over the last couple decades. And that has been stiring in my heart. There are things still undone. But I have great faith they will come back. Quiet beginnings. Don't despise the small. And so it begins again, yes. And that word that found me so many years ago. My beautiful reminder that came to stay. Thankful.