Sunday, October 23, 2016
The cold is here. I wore my boots. I settled in. Winter. So much being pruned. I feel it. It's uncomfortableness wrap hard around me. But something I've learned over these last five years....don't turn from it. Let it settle. Bear up under it and let Him have His way. Days of quiet lately and I'm allowed the grace of caring for those He has given. And I'm thankful for that mercy. Thankful for the ones who share my days. Learning grace all over again with the sandpaper people. Yes. So much change. But I'm reminded of the beauty of the people He has given me to surround myself with. My right now. Precious loves that I am so humbled to care for. Ones He has trusted to me. Thankful.
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Her words pierced me. And while I'm sure she didn't have any malice behind them, there was judgement. It's something I have been struggling with. And to hear someone say you are a Christian, so why? We tend so often to believe there are levels of sin, those God accepts and those that cause others to whisper behind our back. We accept gossip that God calls an abomination and choose to point out the bigger ways people are failing. I've been desperately guilty of it. And over the past few months greatly convicted of it. God has reminded me in my struggle that we all have struggles. We are all in need of His saving. And His grace. Our words are powerful swords. And our pride makes us believe that if we "follow all the rules" that somehow the little sins don't count. Jesus didn't come to make rules. When we obey His command to love one another those rules tend to fall into place anyways. Following the law without love being the catalyst becomes difficult. Like a checklist. But it leaves us empty. That was never meant to be the thing to fill us. Love God with all your heart. And love your neighbor as yourself. Sounds simple. It's the hardest thing I've ever encountered. But if I've learned anything over the last five years of my life it's that love never fails. Thankful.
Thursday, October 6, 2016
This is the first year in a while I have not managed to do all of the 31 days of writing. Things are different. Life is different. And though the words build up, it's quite something else to put pen to paper, to express what's happening, all the changes, and what that means for me. I'm coming out of a year of hard change. A year of opening doors and a year of doors shutting. A year of rest in some ways and growth in others. Fighting those old things that haunt, letting go of the old and pressing into the new. As things bubbles to the surface one thing I knew is that I had to walk away from social media for a while. It was just not where I needed to be. I need to be here, in front of my life, living my life. Sharing it with the ones I have been blessed with. Giving my time and efforts to those things. So I'm not sure how this 31 days will actually look. I'm ok with that too. Fall is coming. I can feel it in the air. I can sense the change. It wakes me. It makes me look up. It sends anticipation throughout my brain. And I have not felt that in years. There is no heavy weight of worry. How will things go, how must I plan so that everything is just perfect. Just the desire to slow and take it all in. To let it settle deep into my heart. To accept that I'm still very much a work in progress. When stone is being sculpted, the big heavy major work is hard and loud and big. Chunks of structure pulled down and chopped off until that solid piece looked nothing like it had in the past. The raw form finally recognizable. And then it begins. The slow chipping. The agonizingly small methodical detail laid to make it what it was meant to be. What the Creator saw all along. His masterpiece. The work of His hands. This long process, I feel it in my heart. Years of the stripping and chipping away of all the things that bound the girl He wants me to be. Slow work. Necessary work. Thankful.
Friday, September 23, 2016
This is the fifth year that I have walked this road. The one I didn't choose. The one I never wanted. The one that changed me and made me who I am today. Blessings inside of destruction. This is the 4th year I have walked standing on my own. Learning that I can do hard things. That they won't destroy me. This is the third year that everything stopped looking like what it was that carried me through those days of becoming. Where things fell away again and I was left standing still. This is the second year when things began again. A new life unfolded. And I moved on into this new life. This is the first year of a journey that is just beginning. It's hard and I have no idea what's coming. And most days I want to run. Because fear....well, we are old friends. But not this time. No. Thankful.
Friday, September 9, 2016
It's a slow process for me. This healing. And if I'm honest, the heal required a whole lot more breaking than I imagined. She texted out of the blue. I knew then it was a set up. God's own. He does that. I smiled. Remember? She asked. I surely do. And these string of days that are quiet they aren't an accident. It's just the uncovering of many months of healing. The beginning when the brand new strong places are still soft. But they are ready to be uncovered. Ready for light. Ready to go forward. Healed. Fresh eyes. New perspective. But the history that helped make you who you are today. He brings us what we need when we go forward. Not necessarily what we want. I've been resistant to some things of late. And I know it's His own timing. So much new ahead and it scares me. I know I can't possibly do this. Perhaps that's the whole point. He calls us to the impossible. And He reveals His strengths in our weaknesses. Back round. Humbled under His hand. I am familiar now with this. And though it slightly gives me pause I know this time. I know. The girl who gets up from this is not the same. Thankful.
Saturday, August 27, 2016
It's the day. My day. The one I struggle with. The one that has made me feel less than. The one that is forever a reminder. But it's mine. It's been five years since this day, my day was on a Saturday. It began with hard work that would be life changing. It ended with the reality that my world was crumbling. I look back now at how much has happened and how far I've come. How much I've learned. How the struggle changed me. And I wouldn't go back. Not even for a second. There is much ahead. Much more to this life. It's the first morning in quite a while all is silent. Everyone is at peace. And I had plenty of time to wake up on my own. Plenty of time to let the blessings soak in. This is the second one of my days I've gotten to share with my one. My own. One that left my card right where he knew I'd first go in the morning. Because he knows me. He hates to see me sad or hurting so he sends me unexpected flowers just so I'll smile. Just because. These are the days I prayed for. These are the days I wondered if they would ever come. And they did. Yes. And so I'm going to let this rest and peace settle in deep today. No looking back. No. Only forward. Thankful.
Friday, August 26, 2016
He remembers we are dust....those words settled deep in my heart this morning. He remembers who we are, what we are made of. And He is faithful. Even when we are not. Even when we fall. Even when we think what in the world is the purpose for all this. He remembers. Fall is coming. I can feel it. It's still hot and muggy outside, but change is heavy in the air. And it's translating to more areas than just the weather. Everything is different. Not one thing like before. And all these new things springing up, yes Lord, I do perceive it. The realization that things have changed. My world, my responsibilities, my children, my relationships. Me. And though I walked quite a while with things feeling quite like walking a dessert, He's bring some things right back round, yes. He does that. Something things revisited that I realize I have no answers to. Those things I must let go. But then others, quite unexpected grace. I've had days of quiet. Beautiful days. Pressing in and pressing forward. I've had to let go of the things I have held so tightly to so I could find some rest. Some peace. Me. So I could find myself again. Above all else I wanted to remain humble Lord. The hardest thing of all. To love others more than myself. The lesson you taught me all these years. You alone are my provision. Thankful.