Saturday, October 31, 2015
I love numbers. That's a good thing. It's what I do at work. It's what keeps things in check at home. There is a finite answer with numbers. And it doesn't change. Comfort for a planner like me. Change is not something I have ever done well. But three years ago that all, well, changed. I woke up that 31st day of the 10th month of the longest year of my entire life and it was my very first day one. This year the change and transition rivaled that one with a vengeance. Seriously. The only difference is I am not the girl I was. He saw to that. He knew. He always knows. And I woke this morning on the 31st day of the 10th month with the knowledge that it's my day one again. The old has passed. So let it go. That journey is done. So set it down and don't look back. I have one week, grace if you will, then on to face this life of mine. He does that. Leads us beside still waters. Restores us. Then forward. You can't go back the way you came. Next weekend will find me running my half marathon for this year. I know Him well enough to know that these events, big thing challenges and obstacles in my physical life serve as a reminder of Who He is and what He is doing in my spiritual life. Part of me is terrified. Part of me is excited. Because what comes from those hard experiences is beautiful. It's how He speaks to me. This has been the craziest most gut wrenching most beautiful experience of my entire life. I met people I never would have. Experienced things and did things I never dreamed possible. I stepped outside of all that I was and met God face to face. And it changed me in a way that only He can. I wouldn't change it. I'll take it all. The good, the bad, the tears and all the heartache. Because it brought me right here. Thankful.
Friday, October 30, 2015
I'm not sad to see this month go. It's brought much change. Not all of it had been easy, but all of it good. I feel a day one coming and I'm so ready for it. Shedding this weight of the past that has hung on for far too long. Today was the day I came home and wondered what next? I did what You asked and it did not happen like I thought it would. In fact, it was worse than I ever imagined. Why did You want me to do this Lord? I sure didn't get it. Part of me still doesn't. But perhaps I would not be where I am today without that journey. And I have peace about it. I've been battling lots of emotion coming up on this day. Lots of remembering perhaps I couldn't have managed until now. And it feels ugly. And I have to use all I know to hold those feelings in check. There is a balance between letting go and letting things take over. My feelings are valid. My reactions however, need to be filtered through prayer. There is a relief in the letting go. Relief in the old passing away and the new coming to light. I can breathe this year. I am seeing Gods goodness. Not that I haven't always, but closure is a goodness all its own. Thankful.
Thursday, October 29, 2015
I signed up for the half marathon I've been wanting to do for the last couple of years. My first one was last year. I did an equivalent of one in an obstacle race earlier this year. But this is different. This is my challenge. This broke something in me last year, sent me in a new direction. And I'm heading in a new direction again. Lots of memories with this string of days. And it's time for them to be put to rest. They shaped me, changed me, but they don't define me. And it's time to let it be in the past. Lots of new staring me in the face. Thankful.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Writing this year has been difficult. So much change. So much new. And so many doors closing. The end of this month is three years since it all came undone and I had to decide what now. I did everything He asked and nothing turned out like I supposed it would. No neat little bow. No riding off into the sunset. It was more a beginning than an ending. I lived it for three years. And I wondered if there would ever be an end. I don't fit in that skin anymore. The things that molded and shaped me into the girl that writes today is not the one from that time. And that chapter is closing. I have no idea really what that will look like or how things will go but I know I'm ready to do it. Throw off the things that hinder. Grow into this girl that I see before me. I lost a lot along the way. More than I ever wanted to in this life time. This decade of my life defined me more than any other has. And I'm ready for a new chapter. Thankful.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
My writing has been less than these days. I think about it and then it seems life has a way of taking over. All the words from all the days and weeks and months and years.... They planted the seeds. In as much as much as I do write, because it's a part of me, I find myself using my words differently these days. And I know that's ok too. I'm finding myself right in the middle of my word from three long years ago. The word that stuck. The word that ends everything I write. Because I am. So desperately so. Because these words, all of them He used to change this girl. I have no idea really what my future holds. But I know it's His plan not mine. And there is peace in that for me. In every circumstance, the good and the really awful, He's there. And even if it's not the easiest thing, I have learned how to find His joy. Thankful.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
The last few years made me unafraid of hard work. I learned a few things about myself. I learned how to not quit when things get difficult. I learned how to take no for an answer without it crushing me. I learned perseverance. I learned that doing the thing you don't necessarily want to is usually the thing that will get you exactly what you desire. Two a days are not my favorite. But taking advantage of my newly given lunch hour is an opportunity to push myself out of my comfort zone and get back to where I want to be. And so I do. And as much as I wanted to not make the effort yesterday I did. And I'm glad. I'm never sorry. No real point to all this really than that I'm glad He taught me how to do what's best instead of what's convenient. To step out and be uncomfortable. To risk failure. To try. You never know what might come of it. Thankful.
Monday, October 19, 2015
It's been a long few weeks of adjustment so I took a day off. I needed a day off desperately. I feel like there is so much undone. So much for me to do. And I'm overtired. And it is showing. There are things I don't have answers too. And I find myself asking why now? Transitions are never easy. And I'm right in the middle of it. Too much new staring me in the face. Too many old feelings finding their way to the surface. And I am not that girl. Maybe I'm strong enough now to look at them and shut the door. To lay all these things to rest. Because nothing in me wants a repeat of the last 20 years. I remember what it was to wake up and lie down in fear. Fear of not enough. Fear of imperfection. Fear the one misstep was going to be the undoing. And so I just take a deep breath and remember how far He has brought me. Shake it off and remember who you are. Perfect love casts out fear and His is a perfect love. Thankful.
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Sometimes you have to go it alone. Let go of it all, leave the familiar behind and just go. I had to do it once before. It was thrust upon me and it was sink or swim. And I was terrified. And it took me three weeks to get my bearings. Three weeks. I had a choice. Go the way that would bring instant relief but was guaranteed to not be a lasting solution or turn back to the way I knew. The way that was calling me. The One they was calling me. I sat there in the middle of the floor with literally no tears left. And for the first time in 23 days had the urge to turn on the television. His voice was one I knew. I didn't look up, but I didn't have to. The words he spoke were salvation washing all over my heart. He was preaching from Isaiah. Chapter 40. Then he came to the 31st. Those that wait on the Lord will renew their strength... And there it was. There it was. I could breath. He was speaking to me and I knew I had a choice. And I told Him I would do it His way no matter the cost. And that was the the hardest decision I had ever made. But then in a way it was the easiest. I had nothing left to loose. And sometimes that where we have to be for Him to get our attention. Nothing left but Him. No one for us but Him. And here I am. I don't regret that Saturday night decision. It change my life in a way I never dreamed. It changed me. Thankful.
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Strange looking at things without a filter. It's even stranger still being able to do so and not look away. It hard for me to be in a moment. To live exactly where I am this day and not wonder when I might finally arrive. Because the truth is I have. Today I have arrived exactly where I need be. And it's hard for me some days to be all in. It's hard for me to give everything and wonder if I'm doing it right. Because I have done it way wrong a million times. But I'm smiling just a bit at myself as He reminds me that even with my horrid sense of direction, I'm still right here. Even with all the starts and stops He got me to the right place at the right time today. None of that is to say we live with no forethought or planning. That could never be for this girl. He made me otherwise. But being flexible is a learned behavior. And practice makes better. Perfect is just an illusion. I think that hard fact is well settling in. Thankful.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Half way done. This month is almost over. I think I'll be mostly glad to see it pass. It seems every year this month brings sweeping changes and I have to write in the middle of it all. That's never easy. This month is holding true to itself for the fourth year running. Changes. Old things moving out. New things coming in. Hard words that should have been said long ago. Perhaps I drug it out way longer than should have been. Out of fear. Fear that nothing would ever take its place. And then the cords so easily overtake. And trying to untangle them is disastrous. I stopped believing I would be ok, that He would provide. That somehow He would make a way. But He always has. Thankful.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
That's going to conclude your training.... That's it? Yes. That's your job. And as it settled I wondered what in the world I was so afraid of just a week ago. It all seemed so overwhelming. Now it's all settling in nice and neat. There will be a settling in, yes. But I can do this. I haven't been challenged in quite a while. This challenged me. It brought me wholly out of my comfort zone. It reminded me what I am capable of. And what a blessing to have someone come along beside you and say you have every opportunity to learn more, to do more, to be more. It's been a crazy three weeks. More than I ever dreamed. Harder than I imagined. Better than I hoped for. One month can change a lot. Seems October is being redeemed. The month that brough such tears and heartache. This year is bringing so much promise. Not without challenge, but I seemed to have forgotten deep down what I am capable of. And the door of opportunity He opened has reminded me. We ran hills yesterday. Something new. Something outside. I could breathe. We could talk. I felt like me. I'm finding me. And I like her. Thankful.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
I keep telling Him I'm exhausted. That's about all I can manage these days. I don't know why new seems so very hard. Writing didn't happen yesterday. And most days lately feel like a blur. I'm trying to find my place in all this. I'm trying to let things settle. Sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing. And I know that. So I just keep going forward. So I just keep getting up and doing my best and waiting for the day things settle in. Because they will. I will. Thankful.
Monday, October 12, 2015
I haven't written this much in ages. It's actually a challenge this year. This is the third year. I think change can come in so drastically that it's hard to find words. But also, using them day to day leaves little sometimes to express. There are questions in front of me I have no answer to. Things I'm facing that make me fearful. I wonder some days am I doing this correctly. I see things mostly in black and white. I forget sometimes that we live so much of our lives in the grey areas. The not quite yets, the in between. Three years ago I picked a word. And it has stuck. It's a reminder I need daily. Life isn't perfect. People aren't perfect. I'm not perfect. I forget that when I try to live past today. That word reminds me that I had a great lesson to learn in all these days strung together. In the struggle is when the beauty has most often been born in my life. Each day has its own assignment. I'm going to try and remember that. And remember my word. Thankful.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
The weather is changing. It makes me feel like I can breathe. And it's the first time in literal years I'm actually looking forward to the holidays. The last few years have felt like there was just no place to be. I didn't fit in anywhere. What had always been my families tradition fell apart. Death and divorce split everything wide open and the place that would have been my rescue wasn't there anymore. I spent two years trying to fill that space. Trying not to feel the loss so desperately. And I hated that feeling. I hated the string of days that served as a reminder of the slippery slope of those last months before the bottom fell out. Last year was better. I got my footing and we began to make new traditions. Small ones. Just the basics. I found the deadest, leafless tree I could two years ago and I chopped it down. I strung it with over 400 lights. That was all the Christmas tree I could stand. It's how I felt. Completely stripped of all that was. And so that is what has been for the last two years. And it worked. But this year I find myself wanting new. Wanting more. Ready to go forward. And that is a feeling I had forgotten. I have not a clue how these days will all string together. But there is excitement where before there was dread. There is new where before there were only ashes of the old. And I'm ready now. Thankful.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
It's already been two weeks. I can't believe it. Adjusting to this new schedule has brought challenges but I finally feel like perhaps I'm catching my breath. This has been the year of the most change I have ever experienced. Job, children making transitions, new relationships.....all of it. A decade ago I had major life changes. This decade seems to be bringing the same. I have zero answers. Couldn't tell you what's next if I tried. Cause I never dreamed this would be me, my life. But looking back over the last four years, I'm ok with it. This all has had purpose. I guess it's kind of like having kids. You forget the sharpness and intensity of the pain in the end. What you receive blocks out what it took to get you staring at what you dreamed of but really couldn't quite imagine it. Until it was right there in front of you. And it was better than you ever dared hoped for. Thankful.
Friday, October 9, 2015
Trust.....Go. I stared at the word for a minute. It's a weighty one for this girl. I size things up quite differently than I did in the past. I was a trusting girl. To a fault I suppose.....but still. I have learned that trust comes from something, Someone, greater than what is within ourselves. It is being able to say if God is for me than who can be against me? It's believing that doing the right thing is what is required of you. And the consequences then belong to Him. I have had to trust when it sure seemed like the decision to follow His leading was the absolute wrong way. But then those crooked roads led me to somewhere amazing. And trust is required to have faith. And faith is a believing that He works all things together for the good of the ones who love Him. Thankful.
She asked me if hearing that name upset me. And I knew. I had briefly made a comment in our sharing about these roads we traveled that got us here. Nothing that might suggest much. But to someone who has walked that very same road one word can speak volumes. He pulls us together in our weaknesses. Moves us, draws us to one another. His children. His own. Sometimes I wonder why about a lot of things but I have to be willing to let His plan be bigger than mine. It's strange to see something grow where for years there was not a hint of anything. It's also hard to see places that were once full now plowed under. But I realized yesterday that different seasons require different fields. Am I willing to go, to trust. I want to say yes. But sometimes it's fear that speaks. I see He's moving again. And I want to go forward with open hands. Thankful.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
I am prone to meltdowns. When I get to the point of complete exhaustion and overwhelm, I cry. Simple as that. It my overflow. It lets me know that this is truly the place I have to stop. I felt it coming yesterday. I tend to be harder on myself than anyone else would be. I expect more than I am capable of and then I wonder why I fall apart. I was thinking this this morning of how it was when I took over the office of my families business. I had one week to learn it all. Then I was on my own. And I spent two months in tears. I was exhausted. Many late nights were had trying to find literal cents. Because it has to balance. All of it. The numbers have to align. What I have forgotten lately is that like those numbers, my soul needs to align with the One Who is my balance. He's the bottom line. And just like He's answered my prayers in a very unlikely way for the last four Falls, each time requires me to come back to center. To balance myself again against the only One Who is truly enough Thankful.
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Writing for 31 days straight is certainly a challenger these days. There was a time when it wasn't. There was a time when the only way words would come was through my writing. There was a time when there was just silence and now there is much more for me to prioritize. Back then I had to really learn what it was to be thankful on the hardest of days. Back then He was teaching me perspective. Because you need that when the changes come. What happens when it all comes in like a flood? What happens when you begin to look around instead of up? He pulls me back to the quiet. And it's a re-learning. It's square one. Your hands are certainly full, but how do you remember who you are in the middle of answered prayers? How do you let Him adjust you to this new place He has brought you into? I have learned that transition is not always comfortable or easy. But I have also learned not to fight it. Some days baby steps are what you were meant to accomplish. Some days worship is in the car driving to work. And sometimes the best prayers are the ones that simply say break me. There is a strength that comes from the foundation He laid. Years. Literal years of tears and prayers and words. And when the seeds you sowed break forth it can look like utter destruction. Because that seed has to die, has to break has to get uncomfortable, has to stretch to ever see the light. Don't forget who you are. Thankful.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
I have more time in the mornings. My new schedule doesn't require me to leave as early. Mornings are my best time. My favorite time. I wondered how yesterday would go. My second Monday in a new place. I've been wondering about a lot of things lately. And I turned off the radio and listened to a podcast on the way to work. Settling into my morning conversation made its way to my anxious topic. And when I said the name she knew exactly of whom I was speaking. And I shared my dilemma, my feelings, my wondering. I'm not the only one. And I began to realize even more, He placed me exactly where I'm supposed to be. None of this is accident. The good parts, the uncomfortable parts and the parts that seem to bring out the absolute worst in me. It's His plan. He is for me not against me. He is my rock, my shield, my fortress. I'm still amazed some days that I'm here. How in the world did all those yes answers to God get me right here? Thankful.
Monday, October 5, 2015
And this is where I just don't get it. His plan. And saying that out loud reminds me that I have said that before. I know what He said, what He promised and then the complete opposite happens and it left me feeling just a bit panicked. And I felt that root of bitterness rise up. And I realized quickly it just can't stay. I don't understand. But nowhere does He promise I will. And it stings. But at this point I am learning that He never promised I would. My happiest moments are the ones where I can simply know I was obedient and keep going. He is always behind the scenes. What things appear to be on the surface they rarely are. Everything has been shaken up. And I'm finding my balance again. I am learning the lesson it seems I have forgotten. I prayed for these days, for this season. And it hasn't turned out one thing like I expected. In most ways it's better. I am reminded it all has purpose. It all ties together. Even when I just can't see. Thankful.
I struggle at times with old insecurities. They come at me unexpectedly. Some days it's hard to remember He has a plan when He seems to be nowhere in sight. I learned along time ago you can go through all the motions and still be missing the mark by a mile. When everything fell away, that's where I landed. He had placed me there and not by accident. It's hard sometimes to see all that once was gone again. It's hard to believe you can be forgotten. I've been struggling with going forward into a different place. Letting the old go and knowing it had its place but perhaps He's bringing you into something else. And I guess I've dug my heels in. But it's time to just come with open hands. That's how we release but also receive. Thankful.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
It has been an exhausting week. So much new. I didn't realize my brain could hold so much information. I'm hard on myself. I feel like I should know it all yesterday. And I have to keep reminding myself it's only been 5 days. This is Your plan God. You put me here. So I'm going to do my part and I'm asking you to do the rest. I felt settled and at home. It was a good move for me. I'm so thankful for the opportunity. When I was questioning all the changes, He had a plan. When I belived there was just no way He stepped in a made a way. A lot has changed in me. I really had to grow up and stop being afraid and take chances. A lot of them. I'm one step closer. I don't even know what that means. I just feel it. Coming out of an exhausting storm, feeling things settle in deep I feel like I am finally fitting into my own skin. This season will prepare me for the next. One day at a time. Thankful.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Funny how things find you. I wrote yesterday having no clue how this would go. I had nothing in mind. And then the verse, my verse, came along multiple times. And it reminded me. He has a plan. He always has. He told me that years and years and years ago. The first verse He ever whispered. Yesterday was filled with revelations. His plan. Of provision, protection, of good and not harm. There were so any days I couldn't see it. So many days I had no idea what in the world was happening to me. But God had a plan. I spent my morning learning about some of the new people in my life. So many people who have a heart of belief like mine. And I was floored. He put me right here. I spent the evening hearing things that broke my heart. Each word a humbling, reminding me where I might have been if not for Gods amazing grace. And I was looking back and seeing His hand, His plan. All tied together one day at a time. And I'm watching it unfold. His plan for my life. And just like the cool air came yesterday so does He. So many changes. Yet He is fully aware. His plan. Thankful.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Day one. 31 days of writing. This is 3 years now. 3 years of writing. It seems impossible. Where has the time gone. I wondering if I'll make it this year. My words have been short at best for the last little while. Words. There is no one thing stuck in my head. Too much going on in my world it seems. Everything has so desperately changed and I find myself seeking the quiet. My routine is different now. This week brought a new change too. And I'm adjusting to it all. But I do have extra time in the morning. Perhaps this is the season for it. That I can find the stillness again. That I can hear Him over all the rest. Yes. So day one. October. A month that has brought more pain and disaster than I can to remember anymore. But this year is different. Thankful.