Sunday, May 31, 2015
Sometimes the days come round and something happens so quietly so inadvertently, but it changes everything you know. What do I do with this? I have no idea. And that panic that gives rise on the inside that says I must do it perfect or else screams at me over everything. And it's in those moments I have to go back to what I know. The quiet. The place where He meets me. So I can hear Him tell me....this is the way...yes. Run from and run to baby girl. No question about that at all. No. Just keep getting up and doing the last thing He told you. And then next right thing. Obedience. What is it that you know love? What is it? Yes, those words sink deep in. Love never fails. Never. Not His, not mine, not love. And I'll say it because sometimes you need to let the word state you right in he face. No fear, no. Thankful.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
I used to look back and say on this day a year ago.... And it hasn't been pretty these last three. Not at all. Each anniversary as it were, brought pain. And sadness. And a wanting for things that just needed to be let go of. But this year, it's different. This year, these string of days just held their own they did. And today, the old was replaced by the new. A year ago I started the most amazing job. The job I love. My people. And I smile that I have done life with them for a year. Monday held newness of it's own. She reminded me, I hadn't even thought of it. But it was truth. "Camp started it all, it was the beginning...." Yes. 4 whole years ago. And here it came right back round again. Quieter. No fanfare or announcement, just right back round. And it was what I knew. My people. Seasons come, then they go. Some separate from us for just the littlest of whiles. And then we come right back round again we do. Yes. Different. Same. We have to walk it out sometimes with different hand holders. And come back again. Changed. I'm seeing beauty for these ashes. Strength in place of my fears. Gladness on the days when there used to be mourning. Peace where there at times, has been only despair. Yes, seems Joel 2:25 wasn't such an impossible. And that makes a girl smile. Even when she has no idea how He is gonna do this. Maybe for this day I'm not really worried about it. He's gotten me this far. Thankful.
Sunday, May 24, 2015
I think I've been laid low for so long I got stuck, or perhaps comfortable.....yes. That's probably the better description. And He's been telling me for a while, calling to me...get up.... And it felt like more than I could do. More than I could fathom. And for a minute, it felt like it beat me. But God.....yes. And He will lay right low and whisper to you. Until the tears dry. Until you catch your breath. Until you look around and realize the Hand that laid you low for a season isn't covering you anymore. And that feels scary. Because what happened?? Where are You? Did you leave me?! And when I was brave enough to open my eyes, I looked up. And I saw Him right there. Standing beside me with hand outstretched. Time to rise baby girl.... And that feels scarier most days than the being laid low. But it's time. Thankful.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
He just shook it all up this week. That word. Separation. He began it before I realized. It made me fearful. Made me wonder. Made me think sweet Jesus not again. But then I heard the words. And it all came together. All that I have walked, made me understand this path too, yes. Separation. To pull away from. To create space. To allow room. For HIM to fill it. The words haven't come because He hasn't filled them. The answers haven't come because He hasn't brought them. Yes. Because there was no room. Separation. And what struck fear suddenly brought hope. What caused me to doubt suddenly gave way to faith. He's been telling me for weeks now...this IS the way.... Yes baby girl. THIS. Second stretch. Let the waters wash back over the past and drown out all that persues me until what is left is what is in front of me. What survives is supposed to be. And what drowns can't hurt me anymore. Separation. Between what was and is. Egypt and Canan. The bondage and the Promise. Light and dark. You weren't brought here to die. You were brought here to live. Thankful.
Friday, May 15, 2015
It's been a particularly hard string of days. They have left me wondering why things still seem so hard and why these twists and turns. She was my most perfect gift. After everything, all the bad choices and years of running away from what my heart was saying to me, I never dreamed that I would receive something like that, like her. Because surely, after all, there were more deserving. Those who had never done any wrong, never crossed the lines I had. Yet there she was. All my hope and dreams wrapped up in one little package. She is me. She is all the good. She is all the determination. She speaks like I do. Our words. They mimic and blend and come out at the same time. The way she stands, the way she sleeps. Me. She was the gift I received when I wasn't even looking. She was the impossible dream that I couldn't bring myself to hope for. And I'm reminded on these days, when what I hope for seems long out of reach, He is still the same God. He still restores broken pieces, broken places and broken people. He is a God of second chances....and fourth and fith and so on...yes. He gives. As much as He takes away, He also gives. I needed to remeber that today. On a hard day. On a day that makes me sincerely doubt. I needed to remember. Thankful.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
I read the words. One stuck out. Deconstruct. Take apart. It's the taking apart that shows us what's inside. Let's us take it in, piece by piece and have a better understanding. And so I started. I feel like this wide open chasm. I feel like there is nothing around. No support. And that is a frightful and exposed feeling. Yet again He speaks to me....this is the way.... It makes no earthly sense. Perhaps that's the point. I clicked the link to read the blog. Curious, I clicked the link to the link of the other blog. And I came to her story. My story. My words. Only not. And as I scrolled down it overtook me like it does when I see it. It's how I know. It's how I know it's really Him. And I sobbed. And in the utter broken places He rushed in with His words, filling what has felt so empty and lost. This is the way.... This. And my survivor mentality has left me struggling lately. I can't walk this again. I cannot. It will destroy me. Yet I have forgotten, it's not who I am. It is not the definition of me. Step by step He leads me. Right back round to those words. I have a plan. Not for your harm. For your good. To give you a hope and a future. Yes. When I deconstruct all that I have let overtake me I hear the whisper so solid. So solid. Whole heart seeking. Thankful
I keep writing but it seems I'm afraid of my own words. Funny how fear creeps in and settles. It makes it so hard to see all the good when you are in the middle of something that blindsides you. And I think, if for no other reason than to keep fear from catching hold, I remind myself to hold fast to what I do know. Hold fast to what I do believe. Hold fast to what God has promised me. Never will He leave. Never will He forsake. I say never sometimes. It's an abrupt word. And very difficult to hold fast to. But when God says it, sometimes I have a hard time believing that He is capable of it. Will You really NEVER leave? NEVER forsake? Because those promises haven't been kept too often in my own life. Save one. Him. And so I just have to cling. Cling to what is true. Cling to the good that He promises. Even when all that is in me screams that it's a lie. Even when I want I run away. Fear keeps me up at night. And facing it is the only way through it. No fear. No. Thankful.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
I hate Mother's Day. I always have. It feels almost sacrilegious to say it. But it's true. It has always been a day that seemed to shine a light on all that isn't. All that is not ok. All the ways I feel like I failed. All the other 364 days somehow vanish in the sight of this one single high expectation day. What happened to them? What happened to all the meals and dishes and laundry and cleaning and illnesses and projects and third time shopping trips in a day.....yeah. That's Mother's Day. The day you want to hide in the bathroom with a tub of ice cream and change your phone number.....but you don't. Because you can't. Because there is no off switch to momma. That is Mother's Day. The day you stand with tears in your eyes and your heart in your hand knowing that this will end badly and there will be pieces to pick up...but you will. You always will. That is Mother's Day. There is no card for that. No flowers can smell as sweet as that child that you know by the scent of their skin. No. It's never gonna be a day. It's not this day that reminds you. It's not this day that your are grateful. It's all the others. Thankful.
Saturday, May 9, 2015
It's where they meet. The beginning. The end. The old. The new. And sometimes the meeting creates chaos. And things collide. Things crumble. But what stands? All these things running through my brain this morning. The stretching of the new. It's so completely uncomfortable. But it reveals something. Breathing in and out, stretching myself in ways that are unfamiliar, and at some points uncomfortable, something began to show. Something I might not have realized. All the hard work I have put in, the discipline, has made me strong. And I had not realized just how strong until I was stretched. I didn't realize what I was capable of. It doesn't mean I always get it right. But it does mean there is growth. And stretching is usually met with opposition. Things held tight. The things that bind take time to relax their hold. But the stretching brings a flexibility that would otherwise not be found. And so I push through. There is just no other way. Thankful.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Who knew. That open door, yeah. And to the day I was reminded. Things don't always turn out quite like you expect. No. Sometimes it all comes to a head and you can't avoid it any longer. And it all breaks open wide. And I didn't run. I didn't fall. I just stood still and when it came flooding in a mile a minute and everything in me screamed do something! I did. I said the only thing that was overflowing from my heart...I will praise You even in this. And as my day played out and it all fell apart and went every shade of wrong, he said "come here after work. I need to talk to you". It's still enough to strike fear in my heart. Fear of disappointing. Fear of rejection. And as I crossed the parking lot, I put my things in the truck I saw it. Shinning up at me. Just like it did 3 years ago. I'm right here. This is the way. This feels like it just can't possibly be. But perhaps it is. This day. All theses days strung together I wonder how and even why. Why. This was never the plan. This was never the way it was supposed to be. But what if it was. What if this was the only way to get to the root of it all. To change everything. Because it did. And most days it feels like they were the wrong changes. But so much was made right. And as I stand here yet again I remember. I remember that day. The day I faced it all. The day He held me fast. This thing is not gonna break you. And it did not. I can make my plans but He guides my steps. And my best laid dreams can never match His direction for my life. I was reminded to remain pliable. I was reminded to let the stretching do it's job. I stopped running quite a long time ago. There is no need you see. It just brings you right back round. To Him. To His plan. To His way. No matter how long it takes. And so I looked it square and said no. No fear. You see I've learned a thing or two. I've learned what thing can drive fear out in a single breath. I've learned the power of those words. He told me the answer early on, though I didn't see it. Yes. Love never fails. Thankful.
Monday, May 4, 2015
My emotions have run high lately. And I have to face a lot of things that are old wounds. Old habits. Old ways of thinking. I questioned God. Why? Why now? You pulled me through all these years for this? And my answer was clear, though not expected. It's would have destroyed you then. But not today. Not now. You can look at it, set it down and walk away, because of what you know. Well then, there is that now isn't there. I was pretty irritated as I woke yesterday morning. Little sleep, many questions and a yard full of mess. For the love. My dad showed up early to assist with the yard work and clean up. Before coffee. And some days that's just more than a girl can take. And about an hour in, my frustration about it all got the better of me. How am I here? This is truly pointless. After three and a half years, this?!? And the tears turned into sobs right there on the bathroom floor. And my meltdown came flooding in and I didn't want to stop it. So I didn't. I just cried. I just let it all spill out. And like all floods, it eventually ceased. Now what? You pick it up and get back at it. But that flood, those emotions, the honesty with myself, gave way to honest words that I needed to say. And the heavy physical labor right in the middle of it all, gave presence to what I was feeling on the inside. This is a big freakin' mess. And it gets put back right one branch at a time. And some are scratchier than others. Some cut and make you bleed. But all these things that have fallen to the ground are in a big'o pile. And they aren't hinderances anymore. No. They aren't. I cut the grass and looked up in the sky of solid translucent blue. An amazing day. Beautiful. And thankful trickled in and made it's way down deep. Train up a child the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.... And it struck me. We are His children. When I began this journey, I was still very immature in my walk with Him. I was a child. But in this, He has trained me up. I have grown. I have switched from the "milk" required for new and growing children to the "meat" required for strength and endurance. He trained me up, so that when I am old...maturing, more grown up in my faith, I may stumble, I may get sidetracked, but I won't depart from it. Yes. That was my answer on a clear blue Sunday. That was my answer when I said why again. Because you have been here before. And you're a big girl now, baby girl. Those things that held you just can't anymore. You get right back up. Thankful.
Sunday, May 3, 2015
I tossed and turned the whole night. So much indecision lately met with a huge mess. Trees dropped. I wanted them gone. I dreamed of them gone. And they are. But the aftermath is big. You see I know what it takes to get it cleaned up. He showed me that little by little. I learned by smaller days of clearing. But this was the big clearing. What I waited for. And surveying the destruction late at night set me on edge. You have got to be kidding me. You see we can have a dream. A vision. But are we willing to do the hard work to get there. Some days I would say I have had enough. But then again, I have learned to see past what lies on the ground and look up. Trees came down in the yard. Walls are coming down in my heart. I don't want to go back. I've see too much. I know the beauty hard work can bring. And I have the scrapes and bruises to prove it. But I'm not afraid of this. No. Because what remains is lovely. Thankful.
Saturday, May 2, 2015
4 years ago. He opened a door. I had no idea what was coming. He whispered it so loudly then. Because I wasn't looking for Him. Wasn't seeking Him. Remember this day baby girl...remember this feeling. Because it was a good day. A perfect day. A day where all felt right with the world. Before the bottom fell on out. And I have remembered it over and over. I found myself in almost the exact same place when He whispered it again. Do you remember? I promised..... I remembered. And He gave me a sign. Like He always does. It will be okay. I won't be destroyed. I wasn't then. And I won't be now as I go through this new door. And it scares me a bit. The unknown. The what ifs. The back-rounds. The ugly coming out because you can look at it. And you can see it. And you can let it go this time. Because you know this just isn't what you were made for. The empty. The shallow. The surface. You were made for deep waters. Thankful.