Saturday, August 29, 2015
It happens when I sense change. And I can. I can feel it. And the panic rises and I tense. My whole body does. Yes. He seems to have set me up, to brace me for change months in advance. Yet it was unknown to me then. Brace yourself baby girl....He whispered. Lean straight into me and brace yourself.... And hasn't that just been the case when the wind begins to howl and nothing is left standing and you wonder, yes, what on earth did I do so very wrong to end up here.... Yet it wasn't that at all, no. Not at all. You see I become fearful and the old tries to creep in. I restrict. I withhold. I hoard. I fear the not enough...inside and outside. Change to me in the natural has brought lack of.....but if I am honest, and I will look at it with right eyes, there has never been what I fear. Have I had seasons where I was in want? Yes. But never lack. Never not enough. And that fear....it circles round shouting surely surely you have been forsaken this time. Because how will you ever manage? Indeed. On the worst days the hardest days the lowest days the days where it all slipped right through my hands, yes....what was lost that wasn't poured right back to me? What need was unmet? What child was forsaken? What stomach went hungry and what bill was left unpaid? What night was slept without a bed or a roof over my head? What night baby girl....what day did you fail to make it through? What promise has He whispered and not followed through so far? Not all to be fulfilled in the right now....some just are still just not yet, yes. Remember all the days upon days upon weeks upon months upon years lovely. And stand up now. Because you aren't even close to the girl who faced all that change so long ago. No. You are what He has created in you. You are enough. Because He is enough. And there is no separation of the two. And He who promised is faithful. Always. And you know now girl what you had yet to learn then. Never will He leave you. Never will He forsake you. No never. Remember that. Let go your hands and just run to it. Your future. His plans for good, not harm. Your hope. Your future. In Him. Always. Thankful.
Friday, August 28, 2015
Day 1. Again. And I know somehow it's very different. The way this whole journey began, yeah it ended the same way. Only different. I was doing the same thing I was when it started. Only this time it was evening and I was talking easily with friends. On my birthday. And there was peace. And I was settled. And I was reminded. And that door quietly shut. And I woke up to new. A new day one. And Thursday was redeemed again. Yes. It has been a day that has brought more pain and tragedy than I can wrap my head around. But on a simple Thursday I said goodbye to all the old. And I'm letting myself say I don't have to have all this new stuff figured out. Because this time I'm not alone. Not at all. And that is a beautiful gift. Thankful.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
It's was this day, 4 years ago. I walked through a door that morning. So much was going to change. I had no idea. These people would be the ones who would walk with me while everything changed and my life fell apart. That morning, my birthday. The worst of days in a string of bad days. And for the last 4 years the sting of it has haunted me. I hated it for a while. And then this year on this day, my birthday, I finished the evening with the same thing I began it with 4 years ago. I walked through another door. And this old one closed. And I felt it as I noted the stark differences. And I didn't look back. Because that's the old. And this is the new. And that find me ready to go forward. Thankful.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
It's where I go when I'm feeling empty or scared or afraid. Or not enough. It's where I feel fullness and weighted. It's where I don't worry about all I fear. It's where there is enough. When I look around at where He has placed me, held me, for 20 years. Literally. That's almost half my life. I have been here longer than in any other place in my life and all of my adult life. And I look at the grass that looks like carpet. And the trees that surround me and the same blue sky that has hovered over me for years and years and years. And it is enough. This is enough. And I am filled. And I remember what it feels like to be satisfied. Thankful.
I am trying to find myself. Again. The fear of loosing who I am, who I had become overwhelms me. And then I realize....who I am is the girl I became because of who I am in Him. And He does not change. And I can always find myself in Him. I can always go back. I lost that for a second I did, yes. I have forgotten the strength that comes in Him. And as He has been doing over and over as of late, those words....because I know Him. It's how I know. It's how I find my way. It's how I know I am never lost because He finds me. Seems as thought He has added a bit lately. The next verse. The next part, all these years later. I will restore you to the place I deported you from.... I will be found. Thankful.
Monday, August 17, 2015
I feel like everything has literally given way. Like it all has just busted wide open and there is no stopping it. I've tried and tired for days to piece all these words together. They all have meaning. Just not together. The seasons are shifting again. And I feel it. More in my soul than anything else. Because it's not just the season shifting, no. It everything within and around me. Coming back to places I'd much rather not. Facing those things I had hoped grace and love had covered. Buried. But He leaves nothing undone. He doesn't. I think there just comes a time when you say enough. And you have to stand up straight and face that bully head on. Because it just won't stop. Until you stand your ground and go toe to toe with it. And I have packed my share in this bag, yes. And its being upacked. One by one. Because I am not taking this junk with me where I'm goin. There is no future in it. And quite honestly, I'm tired of carrying this around. At some point you have to look it in the face, let it be seen for what it is and put it in God's hands yes. And that sounds lovely and like the good girl thing to do, but there is that still water running just beneath the surface. Do I believe not only that He can but that He will? Do I believe Him? In one second it all changed. One second. He said that to me years back. He would restore those years, those locust years. And as fast as it seemed to be coming down, it also seemed to be coming right back around. Yes. Thankful.
Oh those words. They come when I'm not looking and they lay me flat. Words whispered so so long ago. The very first of promises. Today. A first day in a string of last days. Yes. He knew. He always does. And I let it settle in on me. The struggles along with the surrenders. The old right along side the new. The questions that seems to have to no answer, yes. And so I slept. Because the tired can overcome a girl who wants so badly to do so much.....but the quiet is what her heart needs to hear the answer. And I woke up to sun instead of rain. And I took a deep breath and those words.....they settled in, the answer to it all really. The only answer I need
Jeremiah 29:10-11 ... I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
It's been a string of days and the word last week left me pondering. Here... Well now isn't that just the thing I've been letting settle.... You see here snuck up on me, caught me off guard and came rushing in all at once. It all came crashing in, new and old alike, and when the dust has finally settled, well, this is where I find myself. Here. It's a hard lesson for me, learning to live in the right now. It's a place of transition and change. I'm not so great at either. Perhaps that's why He waits until I'm able. Just enough there to withstand what is coming, but still wholly dependent on Him to keep me standing. And the it hits like a hurricane. And things are stripped away and nothing looks remotely like it did before. Nothing. And so you look around at your new normal and you wonder. Yes, what will become of it all. I do not know. But I know who I am and how He made me. And when I have a tendency to slip back into doubting and worry He holds tight and whispers...you were made for this baby girl. Made for hard... And perhaps that why, when the quiet days come I struggle. Because quiet and rest are so foreign to me. But I'm learning. I'm trying. I'm living right here. Right now. And each day reminding myself of how much I have. Thankful.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Try.... And those words were not ones I was ready to hear. It was a day that brought the hardest of news and a door closed that I had no control over. An ending. Yet it was also as day that brought unexpected, good news. An door opened. And I left one place and let myself enter another. How often along this road has He whispered it to me. On the hard days. On the toughest days. On the days when I wondered if I would ever see goodness again. Yes. Try. One more time. And so I did. And it changed everything. The greatest of blessing is usually unseen. Never dreamed it. Never saw it coming. Yet here I am. Here I am. Because I learned to become unafraid to try. Because even if I failed, not trying would have been a worse fate. Thankful.