Friday, October 31, 2014

31 Days - Day 31 #FMF


This was the first day of the rest of what was my life. I didn't want him to leave. He did. And as the months came and went and the day arrived and then passed, the next day, this day, I slipped my rings off my finger. I didn't want to leave them set in the drawer, hidden away. Forgotten, just like I felt. I had to leave behind what was and walk towards what He was calling me to. And perhaps that leaving was only for a season. Sometimes you have to leave in order to come back home. Better. Stronger. Changed. Thankful.


Thursday, October 30, 2014

31 Days - Day 30

This has been a week of Joshua 1:9 and the simple instruction to hold your words. I don't get that much. But it has purpose. Sometimes saying nothing is the absolute best thing. Because the power of life and death are in the tongue. This I well know. So when this week came along I knew what He was saying. Choose life giving words when the ones that could come out would only bring destruction. Some battles are best fought with words of prayer and songs of thanksgiving. Be obedient. Leave the rest to Him. Thankful. 

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

31 Days - Day 28

This is the longest month. And I am praying for a time when I can look forward to the days and not keep letting it catch my breath. And I realize that in all this, I'm the one with options. Choices. True freedom. And I want to look ahead with excitement. Not back and remeber. So I'm hoping to leave the past in the past once these 31 are gone. I'm hoping that new will fill these days again. Thankful. 

31 Days - Day 29

This was the day. The last day. I was terrified. And at the last minute a way out was offered.  Literally, I had 30 minutes. And I had no idea what to do. I wanted so badly to not have to face what was coming. I didn't want to face my fear. I wanted to run. With no words and tears running down my face I prayed for an answer. And I got it. I would have to face it. I had to follow through with what I knew was right. And the answers that escaped me then seem to escape me now all the same. And I've learned a few things about questions with no answers. Sometimes you have to do the right thing even when it makes no sense. Even when it's the hardest thing you have ever done. Thankful. 

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

31 Days - Day 27

When I was little I remember in the night I would wake up with horrible leg cramps. I couldn't be still. I would toss and turn from the pain. Finally in tears, I would go wake my mom up and tell her I was hurting. She would get the afghan blanket off the couch, wrap my legs in it, sticker under the covers with her and hold me close. Be still...she would say to me. Let the warmth sink in. And I would fight it for the longest time. Then I would settle. And sleep would finally come. Ya how I feel these days. Growing pains again. And be still seems to be the answer yet again. And there are times that I can't settle. That the pain presses in and I make it worse by all the movement. I'm praying for calm, to be wrapped up in that peace yet again. Thankful. 

Sunday, October 26, 2014

31 Days - Day 26

It's one of those things you see, and it sticks.  It just opens up so many answers to so many whys....He can't work through us if we can't love.  Yes.  It was His love for us that brought Him to the place of dying.  He said I was worth it.  He said you are too.  So if His love can't break us wide open then how can we ever be used by Him?  If I can't learn to love through the hard, I really don't know how to love in the good.  If I can't love Him the most, then what am I setting in His place?  I keep handing it all to Him.  All of it.  It has taken the deepest grief, the most grievous loss, the most humiliating of circumstance, the humbling that laid me low...all of this to let me grasp the one simple truth that He whispered when I told Him I didn't understand.  Why now?  And the song that ran through my mind said it.... All You ever wanted was my heart..  You didn't want for it to take all those things to get my attention, but it did.  You didn't want to see me hurt, but it served a greater purpose, You had no intentions of it destroying me, but the idols set in the place of the One Who wants first place in my heart.  It taught me to love You more.  It taught me to truly love period.  It taught me that love makes us do the hard work no matter the cost.  My heart in Your Hands makes me able.  Thankful.

31 Days - Day 24 #FMF

In the beginning of the worst thing I had ever faced, the weeks had then turned into months, it was the song that got me up off my knees. It came on the heels of yet another hard day and I was overtaken by the stress and grief that continued to barrel over me. And I sank to the floor. And I cried. And when that song played it made me stop cold. Dare you to move....dare you to lift yourself up off the floor.....dare you to move like today never happened before.  Is it possible, to love like today is a new day? Like the sins and the hurts and the cares are cast off each morning and things are made new? It's how He is teaching me to live this life. Shake it off, get back up and just don't stop. Love like you want to be loved. There is strength in that. A love dare, if you will. He dares me to do it everyday. Thankful.

31 Days - Day 25

It's the Saturday that happenes twice a year. It's the day two and a half years ago that wrecked me. It's the day that same year I couldn't bare to be a part of, because what was my life seemed like it was over. Like it was dead. It's was the Saturday that last year, I went back, even though I did it afraid. Because I was going as just me. No strings attached. I was making my own way. It was the Saturday I looked forward to this past spring. And also the day I did something else brand new that I had never done before. Yes. This day seems to hold more than just memories. It's a reminder of old made new. That you can come back. That it can be different, but somehow better than it ever was. This Saturday found me happy. Settled. Hopeful. Changed. Thankful. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

31 Days - Day 23

Today is a what if day. What if I let Him settle in deep into this quiet. Yes what if. What if I heeded His whisper. And I did. And He moved. And what if I let Him drown out the screams of the one who is continually against me. Because sometimes sowing into that soul is worth more than an extra paycheck. And that's risky. And it's scary. And it's not playing it safe. No. But what is there to loose baby girl. You can gain a few dollars and die a little inside. You can take a chance and fail but at least you know....yes you do. There is no wondering what if on the other end. The what if that sours your soul. No. Thankful. 

31 Days - Day 22

It took my breath a little. The peace that came. I realized that I didn't feel anxious or sad or less than. I realized that this season of being single really isn't a death sentence or an indicator of my future. It's just the place I am right now. And I'm ok. I can enjoy this season, this time, right now and not waste it. Because there are far worse things than single. Because I have been lonely before even surrounded by people. I have the opportunity to speak into so many lives, to focus on things differently right this second. But I have also gained an appreciation for things I have taken for granted in the past. God used to speak to me be thankful for this... And I ignored Him. And I wasn't. And what a waste it was. But God. He is restoration and redemption. He is grace and forgiveness. He gives lavishly more than we ever deserved. Thankful. 

31 Days - Day 21

I'm behind in my writing. Raise your hand if you aren't surprised. This year has made me less fluent with the words I share. It's been more one on one. And that takes a lot of time. And while I know my blog has purpose I don't know what direction somedays He is taking me. So I keep doing the last thing He said. Isn't that the scariest thing though? Doesn't it bring doubt on the hard days? Yes it does. Maybe overcoming the doubt is part of the plan. Or maybe doing it in spite of the doubt is the lesson. Thankful. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

31 Days - Day 20

I noticed something recently. A times God calls things as they will be. He speaks to what the end result will be. There are days when I just can't see it. There are days when I don't even really want it. But it's not really our choice. To go opposite of is just as miserable. And there are obstacles that come to slow you and stump you. But still. He calls you by who He made you to be. Thankful. 

Sunday, October 19, 2014

31 Days - Day 19

I slept. The weight of the week pressing and whatever this faint illness irritating me is, I slept. And hands wide open seems to be the theme. And letting go of seems to be the only way to walk. It's all unknown. Trusting. That He is good. That this is good. That this is best. Thankful. 

31 Days - Day 18

It was dinner. Dinner with my family. And somehow on the inside there is peace. A peace that although this is so unfinished, right now is just fine. This writing isn't easy. Not now. Not even last year. But I guess for me, pretty much every month holds a memory. Good and bad. And that's just life. And right now is just fine. Thankful. 

31 Days - Day 17 #FMF

LONG:   Go....
The end of a very long week found me heavy in wondering.  The "what if's" took an ugly turn in my head.  I was just flat tired.  Tired of the questions that just don't have answers right now, tired of trying to decide if I'm doing this right at all, tired of wondering how I can make this all just come to a stop.  Enough.  Cause most days lately I am feeling that I have been running this race way too long.  It feels like I took a wrong turn and a slow boat to China.  Long and hard and not what I ever imagined this would turn out to be.  I keep remembering running my half marathon.  Mile 12 was UGLY.  And I thought I would be happy at mile 13.  Anyone can do one mile....yeah, not so much.  I cried (again) and thought this is really never going to end is it?  Never.  I swear this can't have been the way.  I think I ran way off course.... I didn't.  Just the last 3 miles were run in some pretty scary and abandoned and forgetten places.  The scenery was awful.  This is why I ran?  To see this?  to not finish and be stuck here?? That's how this feels a some days lately.  I know there is an end.  I know why I ran that race and I know why I began this one too.  I had no idea what the end would be then and I sure don't know what the end will be in this either.  But no matter how long, I know I will finish.  I know the long distance has a purpose.  It's how He made me.  Able.  Thankful.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

31 Days - Day 16

What if my momma prayers really
Do make a difference? Of course they do but when I see them, I think huh....You did hear me.... And they are covered. And He will write their story. And I can trust Him. And it's just not all up to me. Train up a child...the Bible says that, it does. And when they are old, they won't depart from the Way....I'm proof of that. No matter how far it is you run, He circles you right back round to the way. His way. The way. Thankful. 

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

31 Days - Day 15

I say it a lot when I talk about exercise, running and eating. It's cumulative. You'll have setbacks. You'll have days where it all falls into place. You'll have days when you want to quit and days where you wonder if it matters. Days when you can't see anything. What if I take that perspective in all this. It didn't all crumble overnight. Why would I think putting things back together would be any less.  Each thing, each setback, each step forward all bring change in someway. Each time a little closed to healing. Thankful.   

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

31 Days - Day 14

"It's wonderful what you can do when you have to".    C.S. Lewis

Yes, isn't it though. I'm the hard headed type. Many times I ask do I have to? Uncomfortable is not my favorite. But it is becoming my answer. I'm stalling less and taking the steps forward more. I was reading a post from someone who hasn't had an easy road either. Her daughter spoke of rocks for steps and roots for handles. Yes. When we look at where we are and use what He has given, these are the times we do what we have to. Amazing things. My question lately is what if all this was truly the only way? What if all this is what it was going to take to fulfill all He whispered to my heart? What if all this is what it would take to make me truly, thankful. 

31 Days - Day 13

It filtered in my inbox yesterday morning. It didn't produce tears or any sort of emotion really. It's what I already know.  There are days when I don't have any tears left to cry. So I read the words that started it all. What if.....I prayed, let this settle in and just know, You have this under control. My part is to be obedient. The rest is up to You. What if I walk today in a different type of assurance. The assurance that Your promises hold. You made me able to come this far. You will see it through. Thankful. 

Sunday, October 12, 2014

31 Days - Day 12

When is the last time stepping out in faith caused you fear....made you step out of your comfort zone?.... My pastor asked this in church today. I cried. Less than a day ago it was. Yes it was. And the fear was great, but that shred of peace whispered loud. It was right even though it scared me. Because the what ifs were so very loud. But I'm finding they fade too. Proper perspective comes with each hard, right choice. When you decide based on what is true, then you can see past the lies, past the things that keep you held in the place you are bound. What if all this time has been preparation for this, right now? Seems crazy to think, but then again, learning takes time. Changes take time. Thankful. 

Saturday, October 11, 2014

31 Days - Day 8

So much can happen in 7 days. When you take one step towards facing what you fear the most, when you just stop running and look it in the eye and do the next right thing anyways, well, it changes something in you. It isn't the absence of fear, it doesn't make it easier, it just makes the next hard thing do-able. Because you know it won't kill you. And as bad and as terrifying as it feels, something in you says that it actually feels less awful than if you had gone against what you know is right. Yeah. It still makes my insides shake. But I can't unknow what He has shown me. I can't choose something else over Him this time. No matter how much I love it or how much this hurts, this is the way. Thankful. 

31 Days - Day 11

I was standing over bacon. Frying it for something that I didn't have the main ingredient for. I should have looked first. Should have made sure. All but one ingredient. The most important one. I made a wrong choice. Shocker. All the ingredients weren't there. I have learned that God can redeem even our wrong choices, but here's the kicker. Redemption does not come in singles. He redeems big and wide and He's going to use yours to work it out in others. That is a hard and messy thing at times. Yet it changes everything. Wrong choices made right. Thankful. 

Friday, October 10, 2014

31 Days - Day 10

Lots of walls collapsing these days. I see them. And somehow they just don't frighten me. I've been here before. I've sat among the rubble. My own ashes of a house burned straight down to the ground. Rebuilding is never easy. In fact, it's terrifying. The memories, they are there. Grace is how I made it through. Grace is how I made it out from under. My reaction is to rescue. Sometimes the better answer is to let Him do the rescuing and me, well, perhaps the learning to be still sunk in after all. And it rips me in two. But I know the way I came. How it shaped me. Changed me. The struggle. The fight. The surrender. Thankful. 

Thursday, October 9, 2014

31 Days - Day 9

It hit me today. Somewhere between driving home from work and trying to talk myself into eating at 7:45 pm.....I'm a grown up. Me. The tiny girl that prayed a big prayer about wanting to learn to stand on her own two feet, How did this happen? I can't say really. I felt it while running sprints last night in the place God brought me right back round to. How many nights did I run it out on that ground under that moon? I'm not the same girl I was when I left there. I'm stronger. I'm changed. What if........all this is what it took to make me, me? What if.... Thankful. 

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

31 Days - Day 7

I'm back in the space and activities that carried me through many hard days. But I'm just the new girl this time. Nothin to prove. And it makes me happy. I'm not bound by any label or expectation. And I'm stronger than when I left. The nights aren't filled with trying to exhaust myself so sleep will come. They are a challenge to push myself. I know what I am capable of. I know what the hard work will accomplish. Thankful. 

Monday, October 6, 2014

31 Days - Day 6

Listened to the story of Elijah. He got tired and he got scared. And so he ran. What are you doing here? God asked him. Yes, what indeed. He's been asking me the same thing. Why are you running like all of a sudden you don't know Who. I. Am? What if I listen to what He says instead of this fear. Because if I'm honest, I'm afraid of what I'll hear. Because fear screams loud. And it's hard to listen to the whisper. But something happened when I stopped and turned. I learned something I can't unlearn, when I faced it head on. Now go back the way you came. Thankful. 

Sunday, October 5, 2014

31 Days - Day 5

I still live fearful. I know it's something He is working out in me. Listening to church online this morning pierced such a sore spot in my heart. My older brother mentality.  When I complain that this seems to be such a long road and don't You even care what all I have been through Lord? Don't you see what I am walking? Is it ever going to be enough? Am I ever going to be enough. That's really the question. Because surely by now I would have gotten it right. And I forget about grace. I forget just how long I walked away. I forget all the benefits He lavishes on me. And I panick. And fear and frustration take hold. And I pout. And I forget that I am not doing this thing perfectly either. And in the depths of my own sin He still covers me. I'm still taken aback by a lesson learned this weekend. I'm still trying to let it settle in deep. When I threw it all off, and risked humiliation and correction, punishment and hard truth, I found grace and healing. Not excuses saying I was right, but understanding saying we all fall short. This isn't the best way, so remeber what you learned in this and let it shape your future choices. Yes. So why do I so easily fall back into the arms crossed position. Why do I think God will take any less care of my every need when He asks me to sacrifice something for another. What if today I just remeber that grace isn't in limited supply. It isn't in danger of running out. And it is poured in so it can be poured out. Water set unmoving will stagnate and become useless. Water continually flowing spreads wide and deep. But is also changes the vessel. That's what grace does. Changes me as it is given to another. Thankful. 

Saturday, October 4, 2014

31 Days - Day 4

These days have been hard and long.  The last 31 as a matter of fact, perhaps, some of the hardest.  That is saying a lot if you know about the 973 that preceeded them.  I walked outside this morning to find the brightest sun and the coolest, hard breeze.  And I could breathe.  I've been running for a little bit.  Running from.  This fear that has been terrorizing me, I have pretended it wasn't there, ignored it, hid it, still....  My heart was so heavy this morning.  What if....I faced this and just got the answers I need.  Even if I am scared to death and I have no idea what to say really.....anything is better than one more day of this.  And so I did. Sometimes what we percieve will be, is worse than what truly is.  This is deep water in an unknown sea.  I'm scared of what will be, but even more so, I'm scared of not trusting God big and becoming everything He wants me to be.  Thankful.

31 Days - Day 3

What are just honest about it all. Your feelings. Your wants. What if.....and so I was. So grateful for the opportunity. Such a window God opened. Answers to prayers seeping deep into cracks. What will come, I do not know. But I know the seed sown. And grain seed has never produced watermelons. You reap what it is you sow. Thankful. 

Friday, October 3, 2014

31 Days - Day 2

The weight of this day settled in hard. I could only trust. What if...... Just trust. And so deep sighed prayers, all my loves seem to be having such the struggle. The glue baby girl... Yes, He had said that to me hadn't He.....and so I just prayed help me help them. And He did. Little by little strides made, challenges met. Little by little right back round. Thankful. 

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

31 Days- Day 1

I can't tell you how much of a struggle this truly is right now. How overwhelming 31 days of writing seems to me. Oh the shaking. And then my 31 days words....what if. So today, I just began as simply as I could. What if today, I choose to be thankful. To slow down and listen when I know He wants to speak. To make the best choice the first time instead of facing another do-over.  Yes. Today. Thankful.


Day 2
Day 3
Day 4