Friday, December 25, 2015
It's Christmas morning. This is the first year in five that I have actually woken up, filled stockings and turned the tree on to signal that indeed, something has taken place. This Christmas hasn't necessarily felt like Christmas. Everything is different yet again, but mostly in a good way. Life isn't perfect. And I think as much as you have change when you are younger, marriage and children and things of that nature, eventually you have change of another sort. Christmas and Thanksgiving were huge deals in my family. My family on both sides were large. I grew up surround by aunts and uncles and cousins. We did everything with family. And things just change over the years. Watching my children grow up has been the biggest one. And things for the last few years have been a struggle. How do you celebrate when there's a hole a mile wide? This year brought a lot of healing. This year brought a lot of change. This year brought many new beginnings. This year brought Christmas back to my heart. The stockings are hung. I'm up before all with coffee. It's much safer that way :) and I get to soak in this Christmas morning that was not rushed, not dreaded, not wished away and prayed for to be done so I could escape the ever crushing feeling of not ok. Because it is ok. I am ok. We are ok. And this is a good place to be. Merry Christmas. Thankful.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
I see the anxiety weighing on him. He feels like there should be some magical plan. One very right answer. And one shot to get it right. He's every ounce of me in that respect. And I could see it on his face. So many options. So much he wants to do. And it paralyzes him. What I have learned is that we can make all the plans we want. God determined our steps. His plans trump ours every time. It never really made sense to me. If that is so, then what's the point? It's not that we don't have choices. We certainly do. But He takes all those things and works Romans 8:28 into every single one of them. When we are shoved off course by another's persons choices...His plan will prevail. When we are so very terrified that about making yet another wrong move....His plan, it will prevail. When we look at all that seems so wrong and wonder if it will ever be made right, His word says He will prevail. I'm looking back on four years of Christmases. Wrong turns, wrong choices, wrong attitudes, wrong motives.....yet I'm here this Christmas Eve, looking at how He strung it all together. And how His Hand is so very visible. In spite of everything and everyone else, His plan prevailed. No need to fear. Eyes on Him is the path to our hearts desires. Eyes on Him will not lead us astray. Thankful.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Three days until Christmas. This week, goodness, this whole entire year, nothing like I dreamed. Nothing. The sentiment around me everywhere is this doesn't feel like Christmas. It truly doesn't. I realize last year was really the last time things would be a certain way. Transition. That is what this year has been. I'm exhausted on levels I don't have words for. I'm ready to rest. Ready to literally sit on the couch and watch tv all day. If you know me, you know that is an unheard of feat. I'm rarely still. Lots of change has come. And it's good. Some of it a little scary. But sometimes you have to be willing to go before you know. And I'm ready. Thankful.
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
It's quiet. I have 5 more minutes before I need to get moving. But I really want to just sit here and let the quiet settle in to my heart. I'm trying to listen. Trying to hear what He's saying. What He wants from me. Some days that seems impossible. Some days it's just flat out hard fought. This has just been a really hard year. No getting around it. But this has been a really good year. No denying that. I'm not overly anxious to move into a new one. I feel like this one hasn't even really sunk in. So many changes. So much new. I keep waiting to feel like I've got this. Perhaps that will come at a much later time. Perhaps. Moving into a new year of the completely unknown. Maybe that's ok too. Thankful.
Sunday, December 13, 2015
There is a Christmas tree in my den. Not quite sure what to make of it. There hasn't been one here since 2011. That's a really long time. In 2012, we went away for Christmas. Being here seemed like more than any of us could bear. It was stress on a level I can't really put into words and when it was over I was left facing the hardest year of my life at that point. I thinks it's when I began to hate the holidays that I had once loved so very much. 2013 was a year that had shaken my world in its own way. But I determined that somehow some way we would make it. And a solitary leafless tree held 400 lights. It's branches all lit up. And some beauty found its way back home. And the kids had a fabulous Christmas. Last year the same tree made its way back in. The mantle got decorated. And although the gifts were less we had settled in. We were making a way. Lots had changed in 2014. And lots hadn't. And suffice to say, there were many things we were just over. Period. Sitting here reflecting over this last year there were huge changes in my life. Literal nothing left untouched. Many of those things were blessing and such an amazing way to see God answer prayers. Others were and continue to be, crushing examples of how not everything is gonna always make sense. Little things happen along the way that turn into big things. Things that knit us together or pull us apart. Coming out of the last two weeks has been hard. And this morning I am so very thankful that I'm mostly over all this sickness that has hung on for what feel like forever. I'm thankful that even in the strangest of ways He meets me and answers my requests that come from the heart. I'm thankful this morning for His provision. That when everything else fails He just doesn't. I find myself craving routine, memories, traditions. All the things that have been seemingly lost in the fire that devestated my life. All things burned away. Nothing left standing. And I wonder what will be in place of those ashes. Thankful.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Day 9 of this sickness. Finally feeling better although this horrific virus caused a bursting forth of a fever blister..Right. Under. My. Nose. Seriously. I had determined that I was going to let this thing run its course and let my body fight it off as long as I could. I think sometimes we run to a doctor way too quickly. And I hate medicines. But I sure have been thankful for Abreva. So I'm pretty snotty and swollen from all this....and I'm pretty vain I realized rather quickly yesterday while sporting my cold sore that makes me look like lip injections gone horribly wrong.....trying to find any positive in this. I had already scheduled to take this day off. I was sure glad of it when this morning rolled around. Rest has become something to seek out in these days. I managed a brief workout last night that left me very sweaty and breathless after the first 5 minutes. But a week of down time is something I haven't had in 4 years. This is a hard season. I'm grateful for all the blessings of this year, terrified at times of what the future holds, but excited at the same time. Missing my girl. Everything is just different. And that's life. I've been through transition before. My prayer is that He keeps my foot from slipping. He knows the way I take. He knows. He leads. He guides. He is in control. And that makes me ever so desperately, thankful.
Friday, December 4, 2015
This illness has gotten the better of me this week. In my attempts to get out the door and head to work yesterday I failed to realize that fall air had arrived in the overnight. And those sandals I was wearing were wholly in appropriate. Yet, there was no time for change. Seasons of life seem to come just as quickly. Leaving us feeling unready, unprepared and sometimes exposed. I didn't expect this season to come at me like it has this year. And I didn't expect to be sick for an entire week. Yet both seem to have purpose. I'm trying to sit still, be quiet and listen to what my heart...and my body...are telling me. Both going against the grain of what I feel like I should be doing. To rest, to wait, to just sit quietly and take it all in. None of these things come natural. But I'm reminded that handing it over daily has always been the requirement. When I settle down and listen with my whole heart, the rest come, the peace settles in and I know He is near and that leaves room for whatever change this season brings. Thankful.
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
The words stung as they rolled out. I took them personally. They stabbed my heart. And I quickly shut down my own natural response. Because it's ugly. And those lashes rarely heal. And as I took the time to let them settle in, they became a mirror. Perhaps my recoiling was that those words revealed a bit of rawness that I have been overlooking. It is, perhaps, these things that make us look with different perspective. And wake up in places that we have been content to be lax. It challenged me. It made me reach out where I should have quite some time ago. Reminded me of prayers that needed to be said. But it also called to me to remember who I am. And not be swayed by or fall into the trap of comparison. I am who I am for a reason. The girl I am is on purpose. My purpose. And I have to continue to live before Him open. Willing. Unashamed. Pliable. Hard things for a girl like me. A girl quite able to put on that person she believes she's expected to be. But I don't want to live my life that way. Challenges. Thankful.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
It's the first day of the last month of the fourth year that came after my day one. I deal in numbers. Daily. They make me happy. Comfortable. They are reliable and sure. They are finite. There is always one right answer. Wouldn't it be lovely if life were so easy. I'm battling illness. That sounds a bit dramatic. But it feels just awful and I can't breathe out of the left side of my nose. I can't bare to call in sick. I've only done so once in my job I love so. I drank enough coffee to float a boat this morning....that coupled with some Motrin gave me false hopes that I could do this. I made it until lunch time. I worked extra hard to have everything finished. Tidy. Nothing left undone. It would be nice if life were more like that. I feel Him calling me to still. To rest. And this would be a way He would choose to speak to me. To get my attention. To slow down and not rush this season like I have in the past three years. To look around and be ever so aware of how far He has brought me. And how far He wants to take me. Slow down sweetest girl. There really is no rush. Each day is a blessing all its own. Even ones with sore throats and stuffy noses. Thankful.
Monday, November 30, 2015
Tomorrow is day one. Advent. It struck me so last year so desperately. I needed to do something. Count the days. Bring Christmas back into our lives. It had been gone for quite a while. I had the idea of an advent box. I had done it with the kids when they were small with a tree and ornaments. 25 gifts, one for each day, and something to remind them of blessings we had overflowing. It turned into 50 gifts, 50 tags and two boxes coupled with my girls declarative statement that she would in fact be quite unable to open the box and only take one thing. 50 wrapped items later..... The box felt more like a Pinterest fail than an advent celebration. But I was wrong. We did celebrate each day. I did see joy on their faces, even if it was from my girl threatening her brother that she would take his stuff if he forgot to open them one more time. Yes, it was good. I shipped the two filled boxes off this year. My girl is far away. And so I sent advent to her. Perhaps this will be our tradition. Perhaps. You never know what life will hold, what a year will bring. So I'm reminded to love as well as I can all that is within my grasp. It may not always be. Thankful.
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Today begins a month long stretch into the holidays. I was thinking about how very different things are. From how I grew up. My family is large on both sides. Cousins made up as siblings to my sister and I. Anticipation and excitement is what I grew up feeling. These were my favorite months. As I got older and married and had my own children so did everyone else and the celebration of holidays just grew larger. Funny how life happens. Funny how things change. I remember when my kids were small how I used to grow frustrated at having to split time in so many places....I had yet learned to be so very grateful. Unaware of what I had. We fell into new routines as time went on, still gathering. Still so much blessing. 4 years ago was the last gathering that was full. Yet even then it marked the beginning of change. These days in a row have been hollow and void. Everyone side stepping the pain and emotion. No one quite able to deal with the load it required. It caused fractures. This year everything has been stripped away. Nothing the same. Nothing standing and all of us feel the weight of choices made that brought about a change no one was truly prepared for. My word found me two years ago. The word that I wasn't looking for. The word that really sums up the lesson I have learned along this very long road. It's learning in whatever season, whatever situation, what our response should be. Even through tears and hurt and pain. On the good days and the hard days. I am thankful. It's a choice. A condition of the heart. One brought about by much toil and grief. But a lesson that brings a great reward. In all this, I will give thanks. You have never left me. Never forsaken. Always provided. Even in the most barren day. Things have shifted these days. Nothing is the same but there is a richness to the new, to the changes. I'm learning that it's okay to go forward. He's got me. And the answers will come in their own time. I only need live here, today. Thankful.
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
The cold has come this week. Settling in. Seems like quiet has settled into my heart. Sometimes the words just don't come. Life happens. And words get used elsewhere. I used to feel like they would never stop, I could write for hours, days. For now they seem content to be settled under. The cold comes and things slow. All my energies focused other places. All around me nothing is the same. And that takes time. Being still was never one of my strongpoints. Last night in a very rare moment, it settled in and I crawled into bed very early. Sleep came quickly. The holidays are here. I'm ready for rest. Thankful.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Job is the book in the book in the Bible I always skirted around. Almost like if you read the words you would surely be opening yourself up for trouble. In my darkest days that was the first place I ran to. I connected with the words, with his struggle. I had found empathy. Funny how our struggles can be ever so different, but the words of his story rang true in my own heart. His words became the things that expressed my hard days. I gathered them to myself and they gave me comfort. But even on those hardest of days one other thing whispered to me. It won't always be hard. There will be good days ahead. He will work it all out. Sometimes the simplest answers are the hardest. Seek Him. That's been my answer most days. Seek Him....not the answer to my question or the way out or how long....just Him. Thankful.
Monday, November 9, 2015
Yesterday was my day. I haven't run a half marathon in well over a year and a half. I did an obstacle equivalent in March and it was an experience all its own, but running, you see that's my heart. I was the girl who dreamed of running, yet never believed she could. I was the girl who couldn't run the warm up lap at boot camp without stopping. Then 4 years ago all that changed. What I had been working towards for the two years before that finally began taking shape. I was changing. My world was changing. And it was ugly and beautiful and terrifying and amazing all wrapped into one. Little by little I began. Running saved me. He gave it to me so I would not be crushed under the weight of what I was walking. It was my way out on the days that were too much. It was the beginning of a conversation between He and I. He gave me this ability. These legs. These lungs. This heart. This mind. They all have to come together to make it a possibility. And I certainly pray for that first mile. I give it all over. Offer it up. It's not about me. It's where I have to let it all go. You can't hold on tightly and run. You have to lay it all out and leave it on that pavement step after step.
I woke up at 3:30 am. My nerves were gone. And then I heard the rain. Do they cancel runs for the rain? The answer is no, they do not cancel such things for a little bit of water. I drove to her house. I've never done a run without her. The whole way to the race I kept thinking how will I do this in the rain? Is it possible? Can I make it? It was a course I have never run before. Had no idea where I was going. That was actually a benefit to me. We parked and went to the start. In the rain. So many runners. 13.1 or 26.2. That's where we were going. And it was quieter than most I have been to. I looked around at all the faces. It's funny to me you get a shirt for the race but how many people actually wear them. Few. I have specific things I wear. I've been doing this for a while. I know what will get me to the finish line. Nothing fancy. Just what suits me best. And all of a sudden the gun sound. It startled me. I wasn't prepared for it. And we began. And I settled in and started praying. It was going to take more than me to get back to the finish line. A mile in I was alone. I'm not afraid of that anymore. And I saw her. The girl in the blue. And we stayed round about the same pace. I let my breathing settle and came up to my very first hill. I've eased up on myself a bit. You can't go distance without a plan. And that plan has to include grace for challenging inclines. I saw him. A vet. He was running with the aid of an artificial leg on one side. And it made me grateful. Grateful for this beautiful ability God gave me. I run because I can. Because it is in me. And I never want to take that for granted. It passed faster than runs in the past. I paced with the girl in the blue pants. The wind and the rain left us all soaked to the bone. I prayed my earphones would survive. At mile six I just decided it was good. And I was happy. And I was gonna do this my way. And I stopped trying to pass the time and just started being thankful. We paced each other she and I. She go ahead and I'd eventually catch my breath and move up past her. She'd fall back and then move up the same way. Neither letting the other too far out that we couldn't catch. It's motivation. Keep moving. By mile 8 we spoke. Obviously we were both keeping pace together. And it was working. By mile 10 we approached a huge hill and I was beginning to feel the effects of all the running. Do not stop whatever you do. Just keep moving. Before long we rounded the corner and mile 11 found us both dragging. I would pull ahead and then when she came up to me we fell into a steady jog. I would fall back and rest and she would move ahead. It reminded me that we have people come into our lives for a specific purpose or reason. Just for a time, a season. She was the one I needed to help me through this journey, no more no less. I saw a big yellow crossing up ahead and thought there is no way that's the finish. It's not in the right place. It's all wrong. What is it? It was a transition. Just before the end we had to cross it. Seems fitting for where I'm at right now. The end of this journey is coming but I'm finding myself in a huge transition I was not expecting. Mile 12 found us discussing previous times. I was just over 3 hours last year. She said you will be under it if we keep this pace. And so we did. And the last mile had me believing this would never end and I couldn't make it. Everything I owned hurt. And none of the previous 12 miles felt like this. I saw it. In the distance. The finish. And I got closer. And the pain was sinking in but I sprinted. It's what I do. Pull it all out, run your own race. Let all the hinderances go and cross that line. And so I did. 5 minutes faster and soaking wet I did. And I never saw the girl in blue again. I gathered my people and we headed home. I did it. Thankful.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
It's November. I was glad to see October go. A month of much change and upheaval. A month of new starts. And now November. I'm realizing lately how truly blessed I am. And it is humbling. I know where it comes from, His Hand on my life. Guiding me even in the hardest of days. Leading me, even when it is with kicking and screaming. I didn't understand. And fear has overwhelmed more times than I could imagine. But each hurdle, each random occurance to me all fit together in His plan. And tracing that along gives me a map of His direction. And more and more makes me a little adventurous. And that's saying a lot for this girl. I'm nostalgic a bit these days as another big challenge stares me in the face. My last race of the year. It makes 3 this time around. My goal. Increase by one each year. There has been lots of increase this year. Lots of change. Lots of transition. But I hope what I've learned most is that His promises never return void. Thankful.
Saturday, October 31, 2015
I love numbers. That's a good thing. It's what I do at work. It's what keeps things in check at home. There is a finite answer with numbers. And it doesn't change. Comfort for a planner like me. Change is not something I have ever done well. But three years ago that all, well, changed. I woke up that 31st day of the 10th month of the longest year of my entire life and it was my very first day one. This year the change and transition rivaled that one with a vengeance. Seriously. The only difference is I am not the girl I was. He saw to that. He knew. He always knows. And I woke this morning on the 31st day of the 10th month with the knowledge that it's my day one again. The old has passed. So let it go. That journey is done. So set it down and don't look back. I have one week, grace if you will, then on to face this life of mine. He does that. Leads us beside still waters. Restores us. Then forward. You can't go back the way you came. Next weekend will find me running my half marathon for this year. I know Him well enough to know that these events, big thing challenges and obstacles in my physical life serve as a reminder of Who He is and what He is doing in my spiritual life. Part of me is terrified. Part of me is excited. Because what comes from those hard experiences is beautiful. It's how He speaks to me. This has been the craziest most gut wrenching most beautiful experience of my entire life. I met people I never would have. Experienced things and did things I never dreamed possible. I stepped outside of all that I was and met God face to face. And it changed me in a way that only He can. I wouldn't change it. I'll take it all. The good, the bad, the tears and all the heartache. Because it brought me right here. Thankful.
Friday, October 30, 2015
I'm not sad to see this month go. It's brought much change. Not all of it had been easy, but all of it good. I feel a day one coming and I'm so ready for it. Shedding this weight of the past that has hung on for far too long. Today was the day I came home and wondered what next? I did what You asked and it did not happen like I thought it would. In fact, it was worse than I ever imagined. Why did You want me to do this Lord? I sure didn't get it. Part of me still doesn't. But perhaps I would not be where I am today without that journey. And I have peace about it. I've been battling lots of emotion coming up on this day. Lots of remembering perhaps I couldn't have managed until now. And it feels ugly. And I have to use all I know to hold those feelings in check. There is a balance between letting go and letting things take over. My feelings are valid. My reactions however, need to be filtered through prayer. There is a relief in the letting go. Relief in the old passing away and the new coming to light. I can breathe this year. I am seeing Gods goodness. Not that I haven't always, but closure is a goodness all its own. Thankful.
Thursday, October 29, 2015
I signed up for the half marathon I've been wanting to do for the last couple of years. My first one was last year. I did an equivalent of one in an obstacle race earlier this year. But this is different. This is my challenge. This broke something in me last year, sent me in a new direction. And I'm heading in a new direction again. Lots of memories with this string of days. And it's time for them to be put to rest. They shaped me, changed me, but they don't define me. And it's time to let it be in the past. Lots of new staring me in the face. Thankful.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Writing this year has been difficult. So much change. So much new. And so many doors closing. The end of this month is three years since it all came undone and I had to decide what now. I did everything He asked and nothing turned out like I supposed it would. No neat little bow. No riding off into the sunset. It was more a beginning than an ending. I lived it for three years. And I wondered if there would ever be an end. I don't fit in that skin anymore. The things that molded and shaped me into the girl that writes today is not the one from that time. And that chapter is closing. I have no idea really what that will look like or how things will go but I know I'm ready to do it. Throw off the things that hinder. Grow into this girl that I see before me. I lost a lot along the way. More than I ever wanted to in this life time. This decade of my life defined me more than any other has. And I'm ready for a new chapter. Thankful.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
My writing has been less than these days. I think about it and then it seems life has a way of taking over. All the words from all the days and weeks and months and years.... They planted the seeds. In as much as much as I do write, because it's a part of me, I find myself using my words differently these days. And I know that's ok too. I'm finding myself right in the middle of my word from three long years ago. The word that stuck. The word that ends everything I write. Because I am. So desperately so. Because these words, all of them He used to change this girl. I have no idea really what my future holds. But I know it's His plan not mine. And there is peace in that for me. In every circumstance, the good and the really awful, He's there. And even if it's not the easiest thing, I have learned how to find His joy. Thankful.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
The last few years made me unafraid of hard work. I learned a few things about myself. I learned how to not quit when things get difficult. I learned how to take no for an answer without it crushing me. I learned perseverance. I learned that doing the thing you don't necessarily want to is usually the thing that will get you exactly what you desire. Two a days are not my favorite. But taking advantage of my newly given lunch hour is an opportunity to push myself out of my comfort zone and get back to where I want to be. And so I do. And as much as I wanted to not make the effort yesterday I did. And I'm glad. I'm never sorry. No real point to all this really than that I'm glad He taught me how to do what's best instead of what's convenient. To step out and be uncomfortable. To risk failure. To try. You never know what might come of it. Thankful.
Monday, October 19, 2015
It's been a long few weeks of adjustment so I took a day off. I needed a day off desperately. I feel like there is so much undone. So much for me to do. And I'm overtired. And it is showing. There are things I don't have answers too. And I find myself asking why now? Transitions are never easy. And I'm right in the middle of it. Too much new staring me in the face. Too many old feelings finding their way to the surface. And I am not that girl. Maybe I'm strong enough now to look at them and shut the door. To lay all these things to rest. Because nothing in me wants a repeat of the last 20 years. I remember what it was to wake up and lie down in fear. Fear of not enough. Fear of imperfection. Fear the one misstep was going to be the undoing. And so I just take a deep breath and remember how far He has brought me. Shake it off and remember who you are. Perfect love casts out fear and His is a perfect love. Thankful.
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Sometimes you have to go it alone. Let go of it all, leave the familiar behind and just go. I had to do it once before. It was thrust upon me and it was sink or swim. And I was terrified. And it took me three weeks to get my bearings. Three weeks. I had a choice. Go the way that would bring instant relief but was guaranteed to not be a lasting solution or turn back to the way I knew. The way that was calling me. The One they was calling me. I sat there in the middle of the floor with literally no tears left. And for the first time in 23 days had the urge to turn on the television. His voice was one I knew. I didn't look up, but I didn't have to. The words he spoke were salvation washing all over my heart. He was preaching from Isaiah. Chapter 40. Then he came to the 31st. Those that wait on the Lord will renew their strength... And there it was. There it was. I could breath. He was speaking to me and I knew I had a choice. And I told Him I would do it His way no matter the cost. And that was the the hardest decision I had ever made. But then in a way it was the easiest. I had nothing left to loose. And sometimes that where we have to be for Him to get our attention. Nothing left but Him. No one for us but Him. And here I am. I don't regret that Saturday night decision. It change my life in a way I never dreamed. It changed me. Thankful.
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Strange looking at things without a filter. It's even stranger still being able to do so and not look away. It hard for me to be in a moment. To live exactly where I am this day and not wonder when I might finally arrive. Because the truth is I have. Today I have arrived exactly where I need be. And it's hard for me some days to be all in. It's hard for me to give everything and wonder if I'm doing it right. Because I have done it way wrong a million times. But I'm smiling just a bit at myself as He reminds me that even with my horrid sense of direction, I'm still right here. Even with all the starts and stops He got me to the right place at the right time today. None of that is to say we live with no forethought or planning. That could never be for this girl. He made me otherwise. But being flexible is a learned behavior. And practice makes better. Perfect is just an illusion. I think that hard fact is well settling in. Thankful.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Half way done. This month is almost over. I think I'll be mostly glad to see it pass. It seems every year this month brings sweeping changes and I have to write in the middle of it all. That's never easy. This month is holding true to itself for the fourth year running. Changes. Old things moving out. New things coming in. Hard words that should have been said long ago. Perhaps I drug it out way longer than should have been. Out of fear. Fear that nothing would ever take its place. And then the cords so easily overtake. And trying to untangle them is disastrous. I stopped believing I would be ok, that He would provide. That somehow He would make a way. But He always has. Thankful.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
That's going to conclude your training.... That's it? Yes. That's your job. And as it settled I wondered what in the world I was so afraid of just a week ago. It all seemed so overwhelming. Now it's all settling in nice and neat. There will be a settling in, yes. But I can do this. I haven't been challenged in quite a while. This challenged me. It brought me wholly out of my comfort zone. It reminded me what I am capable of. And what a blessing to have someone come along beside you and say you have every opportunity to learn more, to do more, to be more. It's been a crazy three weeks. More than I ever dreamed. Harder than I imagined. Better than I hoped for. One month can change a lot. Seems October is being redeemed. The month that brough such tears and heartache. This year is bringing so much promise. Not without challenge, but I seemed to have forgotten deep down what I am capable of. And the door of opportunity He opened has reminded me. We ran hills yesterday. Something new. Something outside. I could breathe. We could talk. I felt like me. I'm finding me. And I like her. Thankful.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
I keep telling Him I'm exhausted. That's about all I can manage these days. I don't know why new seems so very hard. Writing didn't happen yesterday. And most days lately feel like a blur. I'm trying to find my place in all this. I'm trying to let things settle. Sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing. And I know that. So I just keep going forward. So I just keep getting up and doing my best and waiting for the day things settle in. Because they will. I will. Thankful.
Monday, October 12, 2015
I haven't written this much in ages. It's actually a challenge this year. This is the third year. I think change can come in so drastically that it's hard to find words. But also, using them day to day leaves little sometimes to express. There are questions in front of me I have no answer to. Things I'm facing that make me fearful. I wonder some days am I doing this correctly. I see things mostly in black and white. I forget sometimes that we live so much of our lives in the grey areas. The not quite yets, the in between. Three years ago I picked a word. And it has stuck. It's a reminder I need daily. Life isn't perfect. People aren't perfect. I'm not perfect. I forget that when I try to live past today. That word reminds me that I had a great lesson to learn in all these days strung together. In the struggle is when the beauty has most often been born in my life. Each day has its own assignment. I'm going to try and remember that. And remember my word. Thankful.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
The weather is changing. It makes me feel like I can breathe. And it's the first time in literal years I'm actually looking forward to the holidays. The last few years have felt like there was just no place to be. I didn't fit in anywhere. What had always been my families tradition fell apart. Death and divorce split everything wide open and the place that would have been my rescue wasn't there anymore. I spent two years trying to fill that space. Trying not to feel the loss so desperately. And I hated that feeling. I hated the string of days that served as a reminder of the slippery slope of those last months before the bottom fell out. Last year was better. I got my footing and we began to make new traditions. Small ones. Just the basics. I found the deadest, leafless tree I could two years ago and I chopped it down. I strung it with over 400 lights. That was all the Christmas tree I could stand. It's how I felt. Completely stripped of all that was. And so that is what has been for the last two years. And it worked. But this year I find myself wanting new. Wanting more. Ready to go forward. And that is a feeling I had forgotten. I have not a clue how these days will all string together. But there is excitement where before there was dread. There is new where before there were only ashes of the old. And I'm ready now. Thankful.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
It's already been two weeks. I can't believe it. Adjusting to this new schedule has brought challenges but I finally feel like perhaps I'm catching my breath. This has been the year of the most change I have ever experienced. Job, children making transitions, new relationships.....all of it. A decade ago I had major life changes. This decade seems to be bringing the same. I have zero answers. Couldn't tell you what's next if I tried. Cause I never dreamed this would be me, my life. But looking back over the last four years, I'm ok with it. This all has had purpose. I guess it's kind of like having kids. You forget the sharpness and intensity of the pain in the end. What you receive blocks out what it took to get you staring at what you dreamed of but really couldn't quite imagine it. Until it was right there in front of you. And it was better than you ever dared hoped for. Thankful.
Friday, October 9, 2015
Trust.....Go. I stared at the word for a minute. It's a weighty one for this girl. I size things up quite differently than I did in the past. I was a trusting girl. To a fault I suppose.....but still. I have learned that trust comes from something, Someone, greater than what is within ourselves. It is being able to say if God is for me than who can be against me? It's believing that doing the right thing is what is required of you. And the consequences then belong to Him. I have had to trust when it sure seemed like the decision to follow His leading was the absolute wrong way. But then those crooked roads led me to somewhere amazing. And trust is required to have faith. And faith is a believing that He works all things together for the good of the ones who love Him. Thankful.
She asked me if hearing that name upset me. And I knew. I had briefly made a comment in our sharing about these roads we traveled that got us here. Nothing that might suggest much. But to someone who has walked that very same road one word can speak volumes. He pulls us together in our weaknesses. Moves us, draws us to one another. His children. His own. Sometimes I wonder why about a lot of things but I have to be willing to let His plan be bigger than mine. It's strange to see something grow where for years there was not a hint of anything. It's also hard to see places that were once full now plowed under. But I realized yesterday that different seasons require different fields. Am I willing to go, to trust. I want to say yes. But sometimes it's fear that speaks. I see He's moving again. And I want to go forward with open hands. Thankful.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
I am prone to meltdowns. When I get to the point of complete exhaustion and overwhelm, I cry. Simple as that. It my overflow. It lets me know that this is truly the place I have to stop. I felt it coming yesterday. I tend to be harder on myself than anyone else would be. I expect more than I am capable of and then I wonder why I fall apart. I was thinking this this morning of how it was when I took over the office of my families business. I had one week to learn it all. Then I was on my own. And I spent two months in tears. I was exhausted. Many late nights were had trying to find literal cents. Because it has to balance. All of it. The numbers have to align. What I have forgotten lately is that like those numbers, my soul needs to align with the One Who is my balance. He's the bottom line. And just like He's answered my prayers in a very unlikely way for the last four Falls, each time requires me to come back to center. To balance myself again against the only One Who is truly enough Thankful.
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Writing for 31 days straight is certainly a challenger these days. There was a time when it wasn't. There was a time when the only way words would come was through my writing. There was a time when there was just silence and now there is much more for me to prioritize. Back then I had to really learn what it was to be thankful on the hardest of days. Back then He was teaching me perspective. Because you need that when the changes come. What happens when it all comes in like a flood? What happens when you begin to look around instead of up? He pulls me back to the quiet. And it's a re-learning. It's square one. Your hands are certainly full, but how do you remember who you are in the middle of answered prayers? How do you let Him adjust you to this new place He has brought you into? I have learned that transition is not always comfortable or easy. But I have also learned not to fight it. Some days baby steps are what you were meant to accomplish. Some days worship is in the car driving to work. And sometimes the best prayers are the ones that simply say break me. There is a strength that comes from the foundation He laid. Years. Literal years of tears and prayers and words. And when the seeds you sowed break forth it can look like utter destruction. Because that seed has to die, has to break has to get uncomfortable, has to stretch to ever see the light. Don't forget who you are. Thankful.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
I have more time in the mornings. My new schedule doesn't require me to leave as early. Mornings are my best time. My favorite time. I wondered how yesterday would go. My second Monday in a new place. I've been wondering about a lot of things lately. And I turned off the radio and listened to a podcast on the way to work. Settling into my morning conversation made its way to my anxious topic. And when I said the name she knew exactly of whom I was speaking. And I shared my dilemma, my feelings, my wondering. I'm not the only one. And I began to realize even more, He placed me exactly where I'm supposed to be. None of this is accident. The good parts, the uncomfortable parts and the parts that seem to bring out the absolute worst in me. It's His plan. He is for me not against me. He is my rock, my shield, my fortress. I'm still amazed some days that I'm here. How in the world did all those yes answers to God get me right here? Thankful.
Monday, October 5, 2015
And this is where I just don't get it. His plan. And saying that out loud reminds me that I have said that before. I know what He said, what He promised and then the complete opposite happens and it left me feeling just a bit panicked. And I felt that root of bitterness rise up. And I realized quickly it just can't stay. I don't understand. But nowhere does He promise I will. And it stings. But at this point I am learning that He never promised I would. My happiest moments are the ones where I can simply know I was obedient and keep going. He is always behind the scenes. What things appear to be on the surface they rarely are. Everything has been shaken up. And I'm finding my balance again. I am learning the lesson it seems I have forgotten. I prayed for these days, for this season. And it hasn't turned out one thing like I expected. In most ways it's better. I am reminded it all has purpose. It all ties together. Even when I just can't see. Thankful.
I struggle at times with old insecurities. They come at me unexpectedly. Some days it's hard to remember He has a plan when He seems to be nowhere in sight. I learned along time ago you can go through all the motions and still be missing the mark by a mile. When everything fell away, that's where I landed. He had placed me there and not by accident. It's hard sometimes to see all that once was gone again. It's hard to believe you can be forgotten. I've been struggling with going forward into a different place. Letting the old go and knowing it had its place but perhaps He's bringing you into something else. And I guess I've dug my heels in. But it's time to just come with open hands. That's how we release but also receive. Thankful.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
It has been an exhausting week. So much new. I didn't realize my brain could hold so much information. I'm hard on myself. I feel like I should know it all yesterday. And I have to keep reminding myself it's only been 5 days. This is Your plan God. You put me here. So I'm going to do my part and I'm asking you to do the rest. I felt settled and at home. It was a good move for me. I'm so thankful for the opportunity. When I was questioning all the changes, He had a plan. When I belived there was just no way He stepped in a made a way. A lot has changed in me. I really had to grow up and stop being afraid and take chances. A lot of them. I'm one step closer. I don't even know what that means. I just feel it. Coming out of an exhausting storm, feeling things settle in deep I feel like I am finally fitting into my own skin. This season will prepare me for the next. One day at a time. Thankful.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Funny how things find you. I wrote yesterday having no clue how this would go. I had nothing in mind. And then the verse, my verse, came along multiple times. And it reminded me. He has a plan. He always has. He told me that years and years and years ago. The first verse He ever whispered. Yesterday was filled with revelations. His plan. Of provision, protection, of good and not harm. There were so any days I couldn't see it. So many days I had no idea what in the world was happening to me. But God had a plan. I spent my morning learning about some of the new people in my life. So many people who have a heart of belief like mine. And I was floored. He put me right here. I spent the evening hearing things that broke my heart. Each word a humbling, reminding me where I might have been if not for Gods amazing grace. And I was looking back and seeing His hand, His plan. All tied together one day at a time. And I'm watching it unfold. His plan for my life. And just like the cool air came yesterday so does He. So many changes. Yet He is fully aware. His plan. Thankful.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Day one. 31 days of writing. This is 3 years now. 3 years of writing. It seems impossible. Where has the time gone. I wondering if I'll make it this year. My words have been short at best for the last little while. Words. There is no one thing stuck in my head. Too much going on in my world it seems. Everything has so desperately changed and I find myself seeking the quiet. My routine is different now. This week brought a new change too. And I'm adjusting to it all. But I do have extra time in the morning. Perhaps this is the season for it. That I can find the stillness again. That I can hear Him over all the rest. Yes. So day one. October. A month that has brought more pain and disaster than I can to remember anymore. But this year is different. Thankful.
Saturday, September 26, 2015
These are days like the ones a few years back, where everything was stripping away. All that was familiar and known to me. And I tried to hold on with all my might. And it was a process, but He showed me how to let go. How to live with open hands. And there was a humbling I had never known. And it was down right ugly. But it was the process that would change me from the inside out. It was the thing that He used to bring out the girl I truly am. I'm going through that same process again. But I'm not the same as I was then. I see His hand and I know that moving into the unknown is the only way. It's not about what I can do. It's about what He chooses to do with my life. I can make all the plans I want but He guides my steps. In a split second it all can change and rest assured it had nothing to do with me or my efforts. He asks for obedience. And then sometimes asks you to simply walk away, not knowing why that was necessary. Not knowing its purpose. Until suddenly. It all falls into place and you are looking around thinking you just never could have imagined. I start a new position Monday at the job I love desperately. And I have gotten a lot of advice. And a lot of are you scareds....but I'm not. He opened a door. And I chose to walk through it. Fear could have held me in my comfort zone. But fear and I are on much different terms these days. Thankful.
Friday, September 25, 2015
It creeps in again. Today. A door closing and another one opening. And I doubt myself. Doubt what I know is true, what's in my heart, how far He has brought me. It would keep me here, safe and comfortable in what I know. Because I could stop. I could stay right here. But the one thing that has changed in me over these months is that I can't settle for okay. For second best. His voice has to be louder than the doubt that seeks to paralyze me with fear. And it is. Even when it's just a whisper. Because what I have learned along the way is to never doubt His goodness, His guidance, His willingness to continually change me for the better. And I have truly learned to just do it afraid. Because the what ifs can turn quickly into regrets. And I can't live my life that way. So one last day leads to a new day one. And I don't have to doubt myself or wonder how or why. He leads me. Thankful.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
The Lord's purpose. That will stand..... I'm looking back over these last few years. And I shake my head. How did I get here? How did each day string into this? But it did. I am here. And even on my worst day I have learned to turn to Him. I still, almost 4 years later, keep the practice that has gotten me through more than I ever believed I could take. My sleepy eyes turn off my alarm and look at the whatever verse has been set for the day. This day. I am not doing this perfectly. Some days I wonder how He still loves me at all. This new skin, it doesn't quite fit. And I'm remembering what is was like to outgrow something that just isn't you anymore. His plan prevails. In spite of us. I'm more relieved than I care to acknowledge. I'm less afraid of new. Much less afraid to step out into the unknown. Less afraid to take steps by myself and walk a road not traveled. He's calling me into that again. And although it makes me nervous, it's the right thing. He comes through. Every time. Thankful.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
There were days that I wondered if it would always be like this. Always be the same. Always feel the same. Was I ever going to be ok again. Change came around continually. And it felt at times like nothing would ever be the same again. My life, my stability, my heart. This year brought such a sweeping change that I can hardly wrap my mind around it. And literally nothing in my life is the same. Fragments and pieces everywhere. And I remember on the heaviest day, the hardest one, I asked Him what in the world? All this for what? And the whisper in my heart asked me to let go. Let go of the same old tired things I had begun to cling to. Because He wanted to do a new thing. He'd been telling me that for a while. And the day that brought the heaviest destruction also brought the next open door. And I said yes. And as much change as it has brought, there is also a sameness. A familiar tug. A bubble of hope. And I can feel it in the air again. Literally it's a tangible thing. It's been 15 years since I could say that. I can sense the cold coming. I can feel that same beautiful excitement that used to make me look forward to these next few weeks. And what I thought was dead isn't. I'm not. This didn't kill me. It made me a stronger girl. So different. But still the same. Right back round to the core of who He made me to be. And it's beautiful. And familiar. And the same thing I left. All these fragments picked up and made new into something beautiful. I'm something beautiful. The same girl I have always been. I just had to get here. Thankful.
Monday, September 7, 2015
I wonder at times, what was the point? As I think back to the days and weeks and months.....years...saying that still makes me shake my head in disbelief. Years. Going through something unfathomable. Never ever dreaming what it would be. But all those days, each one, numbering in not hundreds but over a thousand days....I learned something. And the biggest thing is how they changed me. That hard prepared me for this hard. And this is preparation for whatever comes in the future. Whatever it may be. What I've learned is that no matter how bruised and dirty I come to Him, He receives me. It's about getting up day after day. Seeking Him day after day. Because when all is quiet you store up what you need for the storm. And no matter how feeble my attempts or how bad I think I have messed things up, He receives me. His plan for me is greater than my worst failure. His love for me never ceases. And nothing can separate us. It's on the days where the best you have is crawling to him and laying at His feet that you perhaps will find the best answers. His love. His mercy. His grace. Thankful.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
I put my head down on the steering wheel. This was what I had waited for wasn't it? What I prayed for. What I knew in my heart He was telling me would come to pass? Right? Then why did it feel wrong. All of it. And I fought it. I wrestled with it. And I tried so desperately to make it fit. Only it just didn't. And the fallout was horrific. How in the world did it come back to this. And I could have quit. I could have stopped. But somehow my fear of failing, my fear of falling face down has been conquered on a very small scale. I kept saying yes. I kept believing that maybe this day would be the day. This might be the answer. And it took a while. But each yes brought a step closer. Each yes brought me here. Somehow I feel like this is what it's supposed to be. But not what I expected. And I worry some days that I'm doing everything wrong. So I just keep saying yes when I hear His voice. He keeps answering when I call Him. Thankful.
Saturday, August 29, 2015
It happens when I sense change. And I can. I can feel it. And the panic rises and I tense. My whole body does. Yes. He seems to have set me up, to brace me for change months in advance. Yet it was unknown to me then. Brace yourself baby girl....He whispered. Lean straight into me and brace yourself.... And hasn't that just been the case when the wind begins to howl and nothing is left standing and you wonder, yes, what on earth did I do so very wrong to end up here.... Yet it wasn't that at all, no. Not at all. You see I become fearful and the old tries to creep in. I restrict. I withhold. I hoard. I fear the not enough...inside and outside. Change to me in the natural has brought lack of.....but if I am honest, and I will look at it with right eyes, there has never been what I fear. Have I had seasons where I was in want? Yes. But never lack. Never not enough. And that fear....it circles round shouting surely surely you have been forsaken this time. Because how will you ever manage? Indeed. On the worst days the hardest days the lowest days the days where it all slipped right through my hands, yes....what was lost that wasn't poured right back to me? What need was unmet? What child was forsaken? What stomach went hungry and what bill was left unpaid? What night was slept without a bed or a roof over my head? What night baby girl....what day did you fail to make it through? What promise has He whispered and not followed through so far? Not all to be fulfilled in the right now....some just are still just not yet, yes. Remember all the days upon days upon weeks upon months upon years lovely. And stand up now. Because you aren't even close to the girl who faced all that change so long ago. No. You are what He has created in you. You are enough. Because He is enough. And there is no separation of the two. And He who promised is faithful. Always. And you know now girl what you had yet to learn then. Never will He leave you. Never will He forsake you. No never. Remember that. Let go your hands and just run to it. Your future. His plans for good, not harm. Your hope. Your future. In Him. Always. Thankful.
Friday, August 28, 2015
Day 1. Again. And I know somehow it's very different. The way this whole journey began, yeah it ended the same way. Only different. I was doing the same thing I was when it started. Only this time it was evening and I was talking easily with friends. On my birthday. And there was peace. And I was settled. And I was reminded. And that door quietly shut. And I woke up to new. A new day one. And Thursday was redeemed again. Yes. It has been a day that has brought more pain and tragedy than I can wrap my head around. But on a simple Thursday I said goodbye to all the old. And I'm letting myself say I don't have to have all this new stuff figured out. Because this time I'm not alone. Not at all. And that is a beautiful gift. Thankful.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
It's was this day, 4 years ago. I walked through a door that morning. So much was going to change. I had no idea. These people would be the ones who would walk with me while everything changed and my life fell apart. That morning, my birthday. The worst of days in a string of bad days. And for the last 4 years the sting of it has haunted me. I hated it for a while. And then this year on this day, my birthday, I finished the evening with the same thing I began it with 4 years ago. I walked through another door. And this old one closed. And I felt it as I noted the stark differences. And I didn't look back. Because that's the old. And this is the new. And that find me ready to go forward. Thankful.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
It's where I go when I'm feeling empty or scared or afraid. Or not enough. It's where I feel fullness and weighted. It's where I don't worry about all I fear. It's where there is enough. When I look around at where He has placed me, held me, for 20 years. Literally. That's almost half my life. I have been here longer than in any other place in my life and all of my adult life. And I look at the grass that looks like carpet. And the trees that surround me and the same blue sky that has hovered over me for years and years and years. And it is enough. This is enough. And I am filled. And I remember what it feels like to be satisfied. Thankful.
I am trying to find myself. Again. The fear of loosing who I am, who I had become overwhelms me. And then I realize....who I am is the girl I became because of who I am in Him. And He does not change. And I can always find myself in Him. I can always go back. I lost that for a second I did, yes. I have forgotten the strength that comes in Him. And as He has been doing over and over as of late, those words....because I know Him. It's how I know. It's how I find my way. It's how I know I am never lost because He finds me. Seems as thought He has added a bit lately. The next verse. The next part, all these years later. I will restore you to the place I deported you from.... I will be found. Thankful.
Monday, August 17, 2015
I feel like everything has literally given way. Like it all has just busted wide open and there is no stopping it. I've tried and tired for days to piece all these words together. They all have meaning. Just not together. The seasons are shifting again. And I feel it. More in my soul than anything else. Because it's not just the season shifting, no. It everything within and around me. Coming back to places I'd much rather not. Facing those things I had hoped grace and love had covered. Buried. But He leaves nothing undone. He doesn't. I think there just comes a time when you say enough. And you have to stand up straight and face that bully head on. Because it just won't stop. Until you stand your ground and go toe to toe with it. And I have packed my share in this bag, yes. And its being upacked. One by one. Because I am not taking this junk with me where I'm goin. There is no future in it. And quite honestly, I'm tired of carrying this around. At some point you have to look it in the face, let it be seen for what it is and put it in God's hands yes. And that sounds lovely and like the good girl thing to do, but there is that still water running just beneath the surface. Do I believe not only that He can but that He will? Do I believe Him? In one second it all changed. One second. He said that to me years back. He would restore those years, those locust years. And as fast as it seemed to be coming down, it also seemed to be coming right back around. Yes. Thankful.
Oh those words. They come when I'm not looking and they lay me flat. Words whispered so so long ago. The very first of promises. Today. A first day in a string of last days. Yes. He knew. He always does. And I let it settle in on me. The struggles along with the surrenders. The old right along side the new. The questions that seems to have to no answer, yes. And so I slept. Because the tired can overcome a girl who wants so badly to do so much.....but the quiet is what her heart needs to hear the answer. And I woke up to sun instead of rain. And I took a deep breath and those words.....they settled in, the answer to it all really. The only answer I need
Jeremiah 29:10-11 ... I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
It's been a string of days and the word last week left me pondering. Here... Well now isn't that just the thing I've been letting settle.... You see here snuck up on me, caught me off guard and came rushing in all at once. It all came crashing in, new and old alike, and when the dust has finally settled, well, this is where I find myself. Here. It's a hard lesson for me, learning to live in the right now. It's a place of transition and change. I'm not so great at either. Perhaps that's why He waits until I'm able. Just enough there to withstand what is coming, but still wholly dependent on Him to keep me standing. And the it hits like a hurricane. And things are stripped away and nothing looks remotely like it did before. Nothing. And so you look around at your new normal and you wonder. Yes, what will become of it all. I do not know. But I know who I am and how He made me. And when I have a tendency to slip back into doubting and worry He holds tight and whispers...you were made for this baby girl. Made for hard... And perhaps that why, when the quiet days come I struggle. Because quiet and rest are so foreign to me. But I'm learning. I'm trying. I'm living right here. Right now. And each day reminding myself of how much I have. Thankful.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Try.... And those words were not ones I was ready to hear. It was a day that brought the hardest of news and a door closed that I had no control over. An ending. Yet it was also as day that brought unexpected, good news. An door opened. And I left one place and let myself enter another. How often along this road has He whispered it to me. On the hard days. On the toughest days. On the days when I wondered if I would ever see goodness again. Yes. Try. One more time. And so I did. And it changed everything. The greatest of blessing is usually unseen. Never dreamed it. Never saw it coming. Yet here I am. Here I am. Because I learned to become unafraid to try. Because even if I failed, not trying would have been a worse fate. Thankful.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Everything is new these days. A decade a go a literal hurricane came at the beginning and laid destruction to what was. To my life as it was. And lately, a hurricane of a different sort came round and did quite the same in my heart and in my life. I sat there for a bit to clear my head. Its what I do when it all becomes too much. Somehow being outside makes it all less daunting. I let the quiet settle in. And I felt it. First a few, then many. I moved to shelter watching the drops fall on the very sunny day. I watched the rain come while skies were blue. And He whispered to me. Somehow that fits my life right now. Rain falling while there is the beauty of sunshine. All the years of waiting, perhaps making me ready for this time. All the years, a literal decade, walking through so much to make me able now. Nothing unchanged. Nothing untouched. Yet there is sunshine in the midst of all these drops of rain. New replacing old and familiar falling down to what is unknown. Yet there is a peace. A knowing. This is the way. I know because I know His voice. I know His goodness and I have learned His peace. Through the hard times. These days are not without questions. But they are filled with a very simple truth. He will never leave or forsake me. He never has. His plan is always to give me hope and a future. Always. Thankful.
Friday, July 10, 2015
What I had hoped for, didn't exactly come to pass. And somehow that settles in deep with me. You see what I hoped for held me for, well, what I hoped for. My hearts desire. It just isn't packaged like I believed it would be. I just had to get to the point I could be open enough, to trust enough, to let Him do this. His way. I have had many days where I felt like my hope was lost. What was the point? And then that little bubble would rise to the top and show itself. Hope floats. I'm looking around these days watching new things grow out of barren ground. Watching new things come right in the middle of destruction. Watching all those choices and all those days and all that hopelessness turn itself right back around. I have given up on my own idea of what should be. Because it just isn't. And holding on to that makes it impossible to make room for more, for better, for hope. I am learning these days that He put something in my heart for a reason. He made me the way I am for a specific purpose. And instead of fighting it I just need to give myself permission to be. And what I am most of all, the absolute greatest lesson I could have learned is simply this....to live always, thankful.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
I wasn't looking forward to the day, but I wasn't dreading it necessarily. I was at peace with it. I was a bit wistful with the memories. 4 years it has been. And in the cool of the afternoon I realized I was still surrounded by my people. My own. It's just some of my people weren't there. But what settled in deep is that they are still mine. A part of me. Somehow deep inside I knew. 4 years ago the pain was searing. It took my breath and I couldn't stay in the place that held memory from as far back as I could think. The waves of them threatened to drown me. But on that day, in this year, I was a stronger girl. Oh the waves, they came, but I let them. And they told me something that I couldn't see back then, what I didn't know.
We floated out, she and I. Three months apart we are. I'm the oldest. And that smallest of separation has always shown in us. I could get us quite into a heap of trouble. Our laughs, our voices, still the same, she and I. Like the little girls who snuck out of bed, wanting to be a part of the party too, days of together like sisters. Our dads are brothers.
We had one of the littles pull us out into the waters far away from the shore, over and over.....one thing kept repeating itself. Those waves? They brought us right back to shore. Right back home. No matter how far we went out. We eventually made it right back. To where we belonged. To our people. And I smiled. I smiled at the wounds that have healed and are becoming something I never dreamed. I felt the new ones, fresh and still so painful. But the waves. They come back. They bring you back. In time. Thankful.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
We drove up and it settled in hard. Another redemption. Right back to where I had three years earlier. Only it was different. I was different. He reminds me of my strength, how far I have come. Where He brought me from. This day, reeling from news that rocked me to my core. This day, feeling like the day months before three years ago. Yes. One thing I have learned is to do it afraid. I have to there is just no other way. No. Lean in and trust that the One Who delivered me before will show up. Again. He promised. Thankful.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Day 1. Funny how they sneak up on you. When my eyes opened I knew. I just knew. What it would hold however, I did not know. And as I rounded the corner to go to work there it was. And He whispered....I promised. Yes. Yes You did. And I am learning to believe. Learning to trust. And when the bottom fell out, I remembered. He showed up before it fell to remind me. He promised. Now what to do with this? He reminds me His strength is mine. His heart is mine. His words are mine. And when it all threatens to undo me, He reminds me, yes. I know the promises. And He will not fail. I have give up trying to figure out what this is all supposed to look like. Because this is nothing like I ever dreamed it would be. Sometimes that's good. Sometimes it feels just awful. But the strength that has come is something I never expected. Not in my wildest dreams. I see it. I feel it. It takes my breath. He gave me a mirror to hold up each day to remind me. Because I so often forget. And then I run. But not this time. Strength for Day 1s. Thankful.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
As much as I dislike it, I have learned to press in to the quiet. There is reason and purpose. I find it when I don't run. Seems that what has been stored up in the quiet comes at the proper time. I find myself well equipped when I don't run. Just don't run...stand firm and look it in the eyes. And that fear slowly fades, it does. For what can it truly do? 4 am came and I didn't sleep through it on this day. Something called to my heart. Something made me wake with ease. These are days that I am all too familiar with. Days, weeks, months of walking. Familiar paths for this soul. Yes, I know when He calls. There is purpose in every pain, every struggle. It etches deep within and becomes who we are. Why so much Lord? Why so very long? Because we return to the familiar, to what we know in days of fear and pain. And as much as I revert at times to the old there is this...He re-wrote something in me. Those deep and heavy grooves of familiar have changed. And seemingly the things that used to comfort and define do not. How will we know this then? By His testing. By facing the very things that had once left us dazed and confused and grasping for relief, we now lean into, we face them...even if it's with shaking legs or face down from the fall. We look up, then we get up. And we begin again. Thankful.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
DREAM...GO......I lost something while dreaming this dream. Somehow, someway I lost the thing that I had learned, that was really the most important thing. That no matter what, I found my faith. I found who I am. And I was good in the waiting. Except that waiting, well, it took its toll on me. I began to wonder. I began to question. And then it all just fell apart and I began to wonder if I ever even heard Him right. And so the more I try to open doors and make a way myself, the more I just keep falling flat on my face. Every. Stinkin'. Time. So as I am gettin myself picked back up again, I kinda said I just quit on this. It's done. It's just over. And then I read a blog post today and it reminded me. Without this, what is it I would have to write about? What would be my story? Would I know what I know, have learned to love the way I do, would I have been changed the way I have? Could I have become the me He wanted me to be? I have learned to keep dreaming in the face of all looking lost, all being lost. And somehow that hope finds its way back it does. And my verse read through very exhausted, anxious eyes this morning reminded me of a very simple truth...
So let us seize and hold fast and retain without wavering the hope we cherish and confess and our acknowledgement of it, for He Who promised is reliable (sure) and faithful to His word. (Hebrews 10:23 AMP)
It's not about my faithfulness, but His. It's not about the promise made and broken by another, it's about learning to trust and praise the One Who never fails....no never. Thankful.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
It comes back around when I look for it. I remember what got me here in the first place...
[What, what would have become of me] had I not believed that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living! (Psalm 27:13 AMP)
Because I can only imagine what I might have become....
But I remember in all of this, He had a plan. He still does. I remember how the smallest of seemingly inconsequential decisions and choices led me here. Even when I wasn't seeking Him. When I was running the complete opposite direction. Right back round is where I always ended up. Nothing makes much sense these days. The things I thought I wanted, they don't hold the weight I believed they did. The things I believed would make my life complete simply can't measure up to the girl I am. So what is left? What is this dream that will not leave me? I don't know. But the answer seems to be followed by the question in this season. Yes, I believe it's the right one for now...
Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord. (Psalm 27:14 AMP)
Thursday, June 25, 2015
I think you can be well and sad all at the same time....(Lisa Jo Baker). Well then, that just says it all. I let go of another piece today. A big piece. One that changed things for me. So I embraced the new. It took me two days and two trips, but here I am. Little by little. I am well. I'm in the right place. But I get a bit sad. I took an extra day, just to be. Just to get this all figured out...for right this second. And I'm just going to choose to be hopeful. I'm not done. Not by a long shot. Thankful.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
I detest parental celebration days. I just do. They make me itchy and want to hide. I'm not sure if I will ever recover from the hatred of them. It's that bad. After a string of long and exhausting days that left me more confused than ever, I had a plan for said parental celebration day that threatened to send me into a mood that can only be rivaled by the worst PMS....I was going to tie up all my little loose ends this day. Even if it killed me, I was going to gain control of something in my life, since everything else seemed at best, to be going the other direction.
Funny how that doesn't work.....but a girl can pretend. And that false sense of security unravels quicker than you can imagine. I checked off my list with a speed unmatched in quite some time. And it began with sheets really. The sheets I had resisted buying. Because I hate new. No more changes Lord. Just leave something familiar in tact. And after a week of sleeping on the top sheet because I had a hole the size of Jamaica in the fitted sheet, I knew this was the day. And it was. I found them in 5 minutes flat. And they were not what I was searching for at all. But they were the ones. The ones. I feared I would never find them, the right ones. Because I was searching for what I just KNEW was right for me, all to no avail. Couldn't find it to save my life. And here they were. And they are reminding me each time I get ready for bed this week, new is ok. What we thought was the plan may not be. And that's ok too. It might take longer than we dreamed but it's ok to let go of what perfect is in our head and perhaps find a better perfect for where we are right now. A set of sheets opened that door. As ridiculous as it sounds, sometimes it's the most unassuming choices that lead to the biggest answers. Thankful.
I put in my request and I hit send. I hated to ask. It's just not me. But I knew I needed it. So much swirling around me. I just needed relief. It's hard for me to say I just need a break. But I do. I have way more questions than answers. But this is my life. And it is a really good life. And as much as I look around and shake my head because this is never what I pictured, well, it's still beautiful. Even with all the imperfection. The last week has pushed me beyond my comfort and understanding on every level. Pulling away the pretenses and asking me to show what's really on the inside. Loving those who have nothing to give in return. And as the days pressed on and hard seemed unrelenting the scrapes and bruises from the outside mirrored what I felt on the inside. It comes at me and I can't breathe. I forget sometimes. I forget how far He has brought me. I forget that there is nothing, and no one, to fear. Fear of failing, fear of want, fear of being stretched, fear of new and unknown things. Fear. That some how all this time has been for nothing. But I know better. I do. And I'm letting Him have His way. Even though this is horrificly uncomfortable. It's a process. An uncovering. An intentional revealing. To pull away the old and let the new emerge. And I just have to walk this. Fear and all. Thankful.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
I asked. Well, begged really. Because I couldn't take one more second. I knew it was the absolute wrong choice. Yet here I was. Again. And it was all just too much. I can't do this. You know I can't. Not on my own. There is just no way. I need an out. I just need help. Please. And it felt like most every other morning. And I continued on. But I realized something. He knows the outcome. And no matter what, He loves me. And quite unexpectedly, He gave a way out. And the frustration settled. Because it was not what I wanted. But it was best. More than that though I realized, He heard me. He answered me. He rescued me. From myself. Each time makes me trust Him more, know Him more, rely on Him more. I'm not in this alone. I don't have to figure it all out. Call to Me He says....yes. And so I did. And my faith was strengthened. Not because I got my way. But because He is present. He is near. And His best is what He wants for me. Thankful.
Friday, June 12, 2015
I'm reminded in these days of late, to just be thankful. I'm learning just to live right here in today. My mistakes are not fatal. Just keep getting back up. I don't have to hold on to things. It's ok to just let go. Letting go isn't the end. It doesn't mean you loose. It just means you open your hands. Opening your hands doesn't mean you close them again as soon as something finds its way in either. This is new for me. This uncomfortable for me. And I'm learning to decipher what is important to me. I am learning to heed the lessons I have already learned. I'm learning that not everything is the right thing and not every person is meant to be in your life. And that's ok too. I thought single was going to be the end of me. Maybe it was just the beginning. The quiet that used to scream at me how utterly alone I felt now has become something I treasure. Because I'm not alone. I never have been alone. I just needed to learn that a relationship doesn't determine my value, my worth. Finding a relationship is the easy part. Creating a life is the challenge. This isn't how I thought things would be. But they are pretty amazing. And when we stop and choose to see the beauty of whatever place we find ourselves in, then we have accomplished a life truly lived. Thankful.
Friday, June 5, 2015
This thing that has haunted me for literal years..strangely, seems like a gift. That's not an easy thing to say. So much lost, but I have found so much a long the way. In this time. In this season. Right here. I sat last night in the quiet looking over the place He set me. Here. 20 years ago. Half my life in this place, yes. I have tried a million times to leave it. But He holds me here. How many gifts have I tried to give back, to escape....because they don't look like anything I would be wanting, anything that could possibly do me any good. Yet they are the very thing I need. The very thing I most desire. Just not the way I thought they should be delivered. His gift of love and mercy and kindness. The gift of forgiveness, compassion and empathy. The gift of giving. The gift of receiving. In His time. Thankful.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Sometimes the days come round and something happens so quietly so inadvertently, but it changes everything you know. What do I do with this? I have no idea. And that panic that gives rise on the inside that says I must do it perfect or else screams at me over everything. And it's in those moments I have to go back to what I know. The quiet. The place where He meets me. So I can hear Him tell me....this is the way...yes. Run from and run to baby girl. No question about that at all. No. Just keep getting up and doing the last thing He told you. And then next right thing. Obedience. What is it that you know love? What is it? Yes, those words sink deep in. Love never fails. Never. Not His, not mine, not love. And I'll say it because sometimes you need to let the word state you right in he face. No fear, no. Thankful.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
I used to look back and say on this day a year ago.... And it hasn't been pretty these last three. Not at all. Each anniversary as it were, brought pain. And sadness. And a wanting for things that just needed to be let go of. But this year, it's different. This year, these string of days just held their own they did. And today, the old was replaced by the new. A year ago I started the most amazing job. The job I love. My people. And I smile that I have done life with them for a year. Monday held newness of it's own. She reminded me, I hadn't even thought of it. But it was truth. "Camp started it all, it was the beginning...." Yes. 4 whole years ago. And here it came right back round again. Quieter. No fanfare or announcement, just right back round. And it was what I knew. My people. Seasons come, then they go. Some separate from us for just the littlest of whiles. And then we come right back round again we do. Yes. Different. Same. We have to walk it out sometimes with different hand holders. And come back again. Changed. I'm seeing beauty for these ashes. Strength in place of my fears. Gladness on the days when there used to be mourning. Peace where there at times, has been only despair. Yes, seems Joel 2:25 wasn't such an impossible. And that makes a girl smile. Even when she has no idea how He is gonna do this. Maybe for this day I'm not really worried about it. He's gotten me this far. Thankful.
Sunday, May 24, 2015
I think I've been laid low for so long I got stuck, or perhaps comfortable.....yes. That's probably the better description. And He's been telling me for a while, calling to me...get up.... And it felt like more than I could do. More than I could fathom. And for a minute, it felt like it beat me. But God.....yes. And He will lay right low and whisper to you. Until the tears dry. Until you catch your breath. Until you look around and realize the Hand that laid you low for a season isn't covering you anymore. And that feels scary. Because what happened?? Where are You? Did you leave me?! And when I was brave enough to open my eyes, I looked up. And I saw Him right there. Standing beside me with hand outstretched. Time to rise baby girl.... And that feels scarier most days than the being laid low. But it's time. Thankful.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
He just shook it all up this week. That word. Separation. He began it before I realized. It made me fearful. Made me wonder. Made me think sweet Jesus not again. But then I heard the words. And it all came together. All that I have walked, made me understand this path too, yes. Separation. To pull away from. To create space. To allow room. For HIM to fill it. The words haven't come because He hasn't filled them. The answers haven't come because He hasn't brought them. Yes. Because there was no room. Separation. And what struck fear suddenly brought hope. What caused me to doubt suddenly gave way to faith. He's been telling me for weeks now...this IS the way.... Yes baby girl. THIS. Second stretch. Let the waters wash back over the past and drown out all that persues me until what is left is what is in front of me. What survives is supposed to be. And what drowns can't hurt me anymore. Separation. Between what was and is. Egypt and Canan. The bondage and the Promise. Light and dark. You weren't brought here to die. You were brought here to live. Thankful.
Friday, May 15, 2015
It's been a particularly hard string of days. They have left me wondering why things still seem so hard and why these twists and turns. She was my most perfect gift. After everything, all the bad choices and years of running away from what my heart was saying to me, I never dreamed that I would receive something like that, like her. Because surely, after all, there were more deserving. Those who had never done any wrong, never crossed the lines I had. Yet there she was. All my hope and dreams wrapped up in one little package. She is me. She is all the good. She is all the determination. She speaks like I do. Our words. They mimic and blend and come out at the same time. The way she stands, the way she sleeps. Me. She was the gift I received when I wasn't even looking. She was the impossible dream that I couldn't bring myself to hope for. And I'm reminded on these days, when what I hope for seems long out of reach, He is still the same God. He still restores broken pieces, broken places and broken people. He is a God of second chances....and fourth and fith and so on...yes. He gives. As much as He takes away, He also gives. I needed to remeber that today. On a hard day. On a day that makes me sincerely doubt. I needed to remember. Thankful.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
I read the words. One stuck out. Deconstruct. Take apart. It's the taking apart that shows us what's inside. Let's us take it in, piece by piece and have a better understanding. And so I started. I feel like this wide open chasm. I feel like there is nothing around. No support. And that is a frightful and exposed feeling. Yet again He speaks to me....this is the way.... It makes no earthly sense. Perhaps that's the point. I clicked the link to read the blog. Curious, I clicked the link to the link of the other blog. And I came to her story. My story. My words. Only not. And as I scrolled down it overtook me like it does when I see it. It's how I know. It's how I know it's really Him. And I sobbed. And in the utter broken places He rushed in with His words, filling what has felt so empty and lost. This is the way.... This. And my survivor mentality has left me struggling lately. I can't walk this again. I cannot. It will destroy me. Yet I have forgotten, it's not who I am. It is not the definition of me. Step by step He leads me. Right back round to those words. I have a plan. Not for your harm. For your good. To give you a hope and a future. Yes. When I deconstruct all that I have let overtake me I hear the whisper so solid. So solid. Whole heart seeking. Thankful
I keep writing but it seems I'm afraid of my own words. Funny how fear creeps in and settles. It makes it so hard to see all the good when you are in the middle of something that blindsides you. And I think, if for no other reason than to keep fear from catching hold, I remind myself to hold fast to what I do know. Hold fast to what I do believe. Hold fast to what God has promised me. Never will He leave. Never will He forsake. I say never sometimes. It's an abrupt word. And very difficult to hold fast to. But when God says it, sometimes I have a hard time believing that He is capable of it. Will You really NEVER leave? NEVER forsake? Because those promises haven't been kept too often in my own life. Save one. Him. And so I just have to cling. Cling to what is true. Cling to the good that He promises. Even when all that is in me screams that it's a lie. Even when I want I run away. Fear keeps me up at night. And facing it is the only way through it. No fear. No. Thankful.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
I hate Mother's Day. I always have. It feels almost sacrilegious to say it. But it's true. It has always been a day that seemed to shine a light on all that isn't. All that is not ok. All the ways I feel like I failed. All the other 364 days somehow vanish in the sight of this one single high expectation day. What happened to them? What happened to all the meals and dishes and laundry and cleaning and illnesses and projects and third time shopping trips in a day.....yeah. That's Mother's Day. The day you want to hide in the bathroom with a tub of ice cream and change your phone number.....but you don't. Because you can't. Because there is no off switch to momma. That is Mother's Day. The day you stand with tears in your eyes and your heart in your hand knowing that this will end badly and there will be pieces to pick up...but you will. You always will. That is Mother's Day. There is no card for that. No flowers can smell as sweet as that child that you know by the scent of their skin. No. It's never gonna be a day. It's not this day that reminds you. It's not this day that your are grateful. It's all the others. Thankful.
Saturday, May 9, 2015
It's where they meet. The beginning. The end. The old. The new. And sometimes the meeting creates chaos. And things collide. Things crumble. But what stands? All these things running through my brain this morning. The stretching of the new. It's so completely uncomfortable. But it reveals something. Breathing in and out, stretching myself in ways that are unfamiliar, and at some points uncomfortable, something began to show. Something I might not have realized. All the hard work I have put in, the discipline, has made me strong. And I had not realized just how strong until I was stretched. I didn't realize what I was capable of. It doesn't mean I always get it right. But it does mean there is growth. And stretching is usually met with opposition. Things held tight. The things that bind take time to relax their hold. But the stretching brings a flexibility that would otherwise not be found. And so I push through. There is just no other way. Thankful.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Who knew. That open door, yeah. And to the day I was reminded. Things don't always turn out quite like you expect. No. Sometimes it all comes to a head and you can't avoid it any longer. And it all breaks open wide. And I didn't run. I didn't fall. I just stood still and when it came flooding in a mile a minute and everything in me screamed do something! I did. I said the only thing that was overflowing from my heart...I will praise You even in this. And as my day played out and it all fell apart and went every shade of wrong, he said "come here after work. I need to talk to you". It's still enough to strike fear in my heart. Fear of disappointing. Fear of rejection. And as I crossed the parking lot, I put my things in the truck I saw it. Shinning up at me. Just like it did 3 years ago. I'm right here. This is the way. This feels like it just can't possibly be. But perhaps it is. This day. All theses days strung together I wonder how and even why. Why. This was never the plan. This was never the way it was supposed to be. But what if it was. What if this was the only way to get to the root of it all. To change everything. Because it did. And most days it feels like they were the wrong changes. But so much was made right. And as I stand here yet again I remember. I remember that day. The day I faced it all. The day He held me fast. This thing is not gonna break you. And it did not. I can make my plans but He guides my steps. And my best laid dreams can never match His direction for my life. I was reminded to remain pliable. I was reminded to let the stretching do it's job. I stopped running quite a long time ago. There is no need you see. It just brings you right back round. To Him. To His plan. To His way. No matter how long it takes. And so I looked it square and said no. No fear. You see I've learned a thing or two. I've learned what thing can drive fear out in a single breath. I've learned the power of those words. He told me the answer early on, though I didn't see it. Yes. Love never fails. Thankful.
Monday, May 4, 2015
My emotions have run high lately. And I have to face a lot of things that are old wounds. Old habits. Old ways of thinking. I questioned God. Why? Why now? You pulled me through all these years for this? And my answer was clear, though not expected. It's would have destroyed you then. But not today. Not now. You can look at it, set it down and walk away, because of what you know. Well then, there is that now isn't there. I was pretty irritated as I woke yesterday morning. Little sleep, many questions and a yard full of mess. For the love. My dad showed up early to assist with the yard work and clean up. Before coffee. And some days that's just more than a girl can take. And about an hour in, my frustration about it all got the better of me. How am I here? This is truly pointless. After three and a half years, this?!? And the tears turned into sobs right there on the bathroom floor. And my meltdown came flooding in and I didn't want to stop it. So I didn't. I just cried. I just let it all spill out. And like all floods, it eventually ceased. Now what? You pick it up and get back at it. But that flood, those emotions, the honesty with myself, gave way to honest words that I needed to say. And the heavy physical labor right in the middle of it all, gave presence to what I was feeling on the inside. This is a big freakin' mess. And it gets put back right one branch at a time. And some are scratchier than others. Some cut and make you bleed. But all these things that have fallen to the ground are in a big'o pile. And they aren't hinderances anymore. No. They aren't. I cut the grass and looked up in the sky of solid translucent blue. An amazing day. Beautiful. And thankful trickled in and made it's way down deep. Train up a child the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.... And it struck me. We are His children. When I began this journey, I was still very immature in my walk with Him. I was a child. But in this, He has trained me up. I have grown. I have switched from the "milk" required for new and growing children to the "meat" required for strength and endurance. He trained me up, so that when I am old...maturing, more grown up in my faith, I may stumble, I may get sidetracked, but I won't depart from it. Yes. That was my answer on a clear blue Sunday. That was my answer when I said why again. Because you have been here before. And you're a big girl now, baby girl. Those things that held you just can't anymore. You get right back up. Thankful.
Sunday, May 3, 2015
I tossed and turned the whole night. So much indecision lately met with a huge mess. Trees dropped. I wanted them gone. I dreamed of them gone. And they are. But the aftermath is big. You see I know what it takes to get it cleaned up. He showed me that little by little. I learned by smaller days of clearing. But this was the big clearing. What I waited for. And surveying the destruction late at night set me on edge. You have got to be kidding me. You see we can have a dream. A vision. But are we willing to do the hard work to get there. Some days I would say I have had enough. But then again, I have learned to see past what lies on the ground and look up. Trees came down in the yard. Walls are coming down in my heart. I don't want to go back. I've see too much. I know the beauty hard work can bring. And I have the scrapes and bruises to prove it. But I'm not afraid of this. No. Because what remains is lovely. Thankful.
Saturday, May 2, 2015
4 years ago. He opened a door. I had no idea what was coming. He whispered it so loudly then. Because I wasn't looking for Him. Wasn't seeking Him. Remember this day baby girl...remember this feeling. Because it was a good day. A perfect day. A day where all felt right with the world. Before the bottom fell on out. And I have remembered it over and over. I found myself in almost the exact same place when He whispered it again. Do you remember? I promised..... I remembered. And He gave me a sign. Like He always does. It will be okay. I won't be destroyed. I wasn't then. And I won't be now as I go through this new door. And it scares me a bit. The unknown. The what ifs. The back-rounds. The ugly coming out because you can look at it. And you can see it. And you can let it go this time. Because you know this just isn't what you were made for. The empty. The shallow. The surface. You were made for deep waters. Thankful.
Saturday, April 25, 2015
I suppose at times I should get a bigger phone. A newer one. But I'm not that girl. I'm a holder-onner. It's a word. It's one of those things that I feel like God made not wear out through all this walking. It was a special gift. It means something. I realize it's a phone. But I write 90% of what I write on this phone. I make notes, write sentences, words....on this little phone. It was a day of profound revelation and truth. And these days usually find me outside. I need air when He speaks. When He changes me. The sun peaked out and I grabbed my bathing suit and camped out. He's too much to be contained by walls and doors today. I need to breathe so I can process these words.
I've been reading my books for review. And I started one that challenged me right along with everything else challenging me these last couple weeks. Life Unstuck. Stuck is a word I use frequently. Stuck is something I feel more often than I admit. But as I read through these pages that described Psalm 139 in great detail, my perspective changed. My perceptions changed. And my heart changed too.
One thing in the Bible that we are instructed to do is pray without ceasing. It took me years to come to grips with what that could possibly mean. In that time, I have learned more and more that our daily conversations with God in all things are prayers. And He wants us to come to Him always with and in everything. As I was nearing the end of the book, she mentioned prayer and conversations with God dropped down right in the middle of our tasks. The whisper grew louder. Praying without ceasing, without stopping what I am doing at times, but letting that prayer/conversation with God happen as my day is happening. Pray without ceasing our activity, our movement, inviting Him in to the moment, to the task.
It was a shift in perspective that was life changing for me. How often do I get stuck when I feel like I need to stop everything for that encounter with God? And sometimes that should happen, but mostly, He wants to be so ingrained in our day to day that we share it with Him without missing a beat. Some unsticking over chicken strips and ranch. Thankful.