Saturday, September 26, 2015
These are days like the ones a few years back, where everything was stripping away. All that was familiar and known to me. And I tried to hold on with all my might. And it was a process, but He showed me how to let go. How to live with open hands. And there was a humbling I had never known. And it was down right ugly. But it was the process that would change me from the inside out. It was the thing that He used to bring out the girl I truly am. I'm going through that same process again. But I'm not the same as I was then. I see His hand and I know that moving into the unknown is the only way. It's not about what I can do. It's about what He chooses to do with my life. I can make all the plans I want but He guides my steps. In a split second it all can change and rest assured it had nothing to do with me or my efforts. He asks for obedience. And then sometimes asks you to simply walk away, not knowing why that was necessary. Not knowing its purpose. Until suddenly. It all falls into place and you are looking around thinking you just never could have imagined. I start a new position Monday at the job I love desperately. And I have gotten a lot of advice. And a lot of are you scareds....but I'm not. He opened a door. And I chose to walk through it. Fear could have held me in my comfort zone. But fear and I are on much different terms these days. Thankful.
Friday, September 25, 2015
It creeps in again. Today. A door closing and another one opening. And I doubt myself. Doubt what I know is true, what's in my heart, how far He has brought me. It would keep me here, safe and comfortable in what I know. Because I could stop. I could stay right here. But the one thing that has changed in me over these months is that I can't settle for okay. For second best. His voice has to be louder than the doubt that seeks to paralyze me with fear. And it is. Even when it's just a whisper. Because what I have learned along the way is to never doubt His goodness, His guidance, His willingness to continually change me for the better. And I have truly learned to just do it afraid. Because the what ifs can turn quickly into regrets. And I can't live my life that way. So one last day leads to a new day one. And I don't have to doubt myself or wonder how or why. He leads me. Thankful.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
The Lord's purpose. That will stand..... I'm looking back over these last few years. And I shake my head. How did I get here? How did each day string into this? But it did. I am here. And even on my worst day I have learned to turn to Him. I still, almost 4 years later, keep the practice that has gotten me through more than I ever believed I could take. My sleepy eyes turn off my alarm and look at the whatever verse has been set for the day. This day. I am not doing this perfectly. Some days I wonder how He still loves me at all. This new skin, it doesn't quite fit. And I'm remembering what is was like to outgrow something that just isn't you anymore. His plan prevails. In spite of us. I'm more relieved than I care to acknowledge. I'm less afraid of new. Much less afraid to step out into the unknown. Less afraid to take steps by myself and walk a road not traveled. He's calling me into that again. And although it makes me nervous, it's the right thing. He comes through. Every time. Thankful.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
There were days that I wondered if it would always be like this. Always be the same. Always feel the same. Was I ever going to be ok again. Change came around continually. And it felt at times like nothing would ever be the same again. My life, my stability, my heart. This year brought such a sweeping change that I can hardly wrap my mind around it. And literally nothing in my life is the same. Fragments and pieces everywhere. And I remember on the heaviest day, the hardest one, I asked Him what in the world? All this for what? And the whisper in my heart asked me to let go. Let go of the same old tired things I had begun to cling to. Because He wanted to do a new thing. He'd been telling me that for a while. And the day that brought the heaviest destruction also brought the next open door. And I said yes. And as much change as it has brought, there is also a sameness. A familiar tug. A bubble of hope. And I can feel it in the air again. Literally it's a tangible thing. It's been 15 years since I could say that. I can sense the cold coming. I can feel that same beautiful excitement that used to make me look forward to these next few weeks. And what I thought was dead isn't. I'm not. This didn't kill me. It made me a stronger girl. So different. But still the same. Right back round to the core of who He made me to be. And it's beautiful. And familiar. And the same thing I left. All these fragments picked up and made new into something beautiful. I'm something beautiful. The same girl I have always been. I just had to get here. Thankful.
Monday, September 7, 2015
I wonder at times, what was the point? As I think back to the days and weeks and months.....years...saying that still makes me shake my head in disbelief. Years. Going through something unfathomable. Never ever dreaming what it would be. But all those days, each one, numbering in not hundreds but over a thousand days....I learned something. And the biggest thing is how they changed me. That hard prepared me for this hard. And this is preparation for whatever comes in the future. Whatever it may be. What I've learned is that no matter how bruised and dirty I come to Him, He receives me. It's about getting up day after day. Seeking Him day after day. Because when all is quiet you store up what you need for the storm. And no matter how feeble my attempts or how bad I think I have messed things up, He receives me. His plan for me is greater than my worst failure. His love for me never ceases. And nothing can separate us. It's on the days where the best you have is crawling to him and laying at His feet that you perhaps will find the best answers. His love. His mercy. His grace. Thankful.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
I put my head down on the steering wheel. This was what I had waited for wasn't it? What I prayed for. What I knew in my heart He was telling me would come to pass? Right? Then why did it feel wrong. All of it. And I fought it. I wrestled with it. And I tried so desperately to make it fit. Only it just didn't. And the fallout was horrific. How in the world did it come back to this. And I could have quit. I could have stopped. But somehow my fear of failing, my fear of falling face down has been conquered on a very small scale. I kept saying yes. I kept believing that maybe this day would be the day. This might be the answer. And it took a while. But each yes brought a step closer. Each yes brought me here. Somehow I feel like this is what it's supposed to be. But not what I expected. And I worry some days that I'm doing everything wrong. So I just keep saying yes when I hear His voice. He keeps answering when I call Him. Thankful.