Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Streams in a Desert

Joining Holley Gerth
I wasn't sure if I'd write this.  It all seems overwhelming and then fear began to loom so very large.  But then slowly they trickled after post...others that were battling this fear too.  You are not alone...
A week ago I had a dream.  Snow.  And I laughed about it because it was so real, but even with super cold weather this January, still, snow? This is the Alabama/Florida line.  Snow is not what we are known for.  This past month has brought many changes.  It has challenged me beyond all I have ever know.  And that is saying a lot.  It seemed each week brought something.  Cold weather, leaky pool, frozen water, heater not working after day, one thing then another.  Each time taught me something new.  So Monday when we got the news of an arctic winter storm coming, it really didn't register with me.  School on Tuesday was cancelled, and maybe for a couple more.  I thought seriously??  But by 1 pm we had dropping temps and freezing rain and I was glad to be on my way home.  The rains came down and so did the temps.  And I was fearful.  Because I'm on my own a little bit.  And I'm the one the kids are depending on.  Me. A grown up. This can't be real......

All the little mishaps of the past few weeks taught me what to do as the storm grew more and more.  Cover the pipes, wash things in stages to keep water moving, turn the heat to emergency heat...the heat pump outside was frozen and the heat strips would do just fine, as late as possible run water, but into the pool. The level was low anyways, set my alarm for every two hours to check on things.  And then the power went out....9:30 pm, so we all go to bed.  I call it in and we do what we can...go to sleep and wait it out.  I got up and checked every two hours...still no power and my dreams are not comforting me, so I pray.  Thank you for my really warm bed and comforter.  We are safe, we have water and we are going to be ok.  Thankful, thankful, thankful....and beautiful power came back to us around 3 am.

Last Friday, it sleeted.  I smiled.  I thought what a beautiful answer from the Lord.  But unknown to me, that was just the beginning.  This morning I woke up to snow.  SNOW.  Frozen everywhere.  Roads closed, the whole earth still.  I had just been praying about how fabulous it would be to have a day where I could sit and read and not feel rushed.  The weight of that settled in on me.  We went through a really scary night.  But He was with us.  He made me able.  He prepared me and I did all I knew to do, even if I did it afraid.  The words pressed in so deeply.  Is anything too hard for me?  I will stop heaven and earth to make you understand I AM GOD.  I whispered dreams to you and I mean what I say.  Snow in Alabama.  Answered prayers.  The night was so very long, but joy in the morning.  The sun has finally peaked through.  Blue skies took my breath away this afternoon.  Blue skies and snow.  He's all around listening to the tinniest of prayers, even when they come in the form of sighs and tears and footsteps made forward even though they are much afraid.  Because they are not made alone.  He will not leave.  He will not forsake. No never.  Not for a moment.  Thankful.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Almost is Not Always Fun

I just need a signature....since I'm not old enough to quit on my own! I listen to her vent her frustrations, not really meaning the words she speaks. I know this is hard. I know she sees all those around her having what seems to be an easy, full of fun and games senior year. And she is walking through the hardest thing she has ever come up against. And she's exhausted. And it scary some days when failure looms larger than confidence. It feels as if the closer we get to the end the easier it should be, instead, it feels like has all this been for nothing? I see what she cannot see, I know the answers to her questions and I know exactly what she will be feeling 4 months from now....even though it feels like there is no end in sight. I can say keep going because even though it is so hard to see her struggle, I know what is changing and shaping inside of her, the preparations for great things my girl is going to do.

This is the same conversation I have been having with my Father. I want to quit, this sucks and everyone else seems to have it easier and a lot more fun. He shakes His head. What I'm preparing for isn't what anyone else's path may look like. And my hard work seems ever so hard right now and the exhaustion and fear and frustration seems more than I can take. And as I petition His signature....let's just write this off! I just need Your o.k..... He just says no. When you get to the end, it will still have been hard, but that just makes it more worth while. We both have new things coming up, my girl and I. Both going into grand adventures unknown, but armed with the knowledge that we are not alone. Thankful. 

Faith Jams - Name It

Linking Up with Bonnie today..

I read books by authors who talk of lions and pits and snowy days. My words fall out in the mornings before eyes ever open. I reach for it, needing to see what it says and how have I missed this all these years? Read over and over, dates stand written beside it. I have emptied more ink pens in the past two years than well, ever. I don't think I ever did it before now. I say prayers over cucumber slices and folded up napkins for the faces that will consume the lunches I make. I say thank you God for this laundry still here. I am still here. I smile and wrinkle my nose sometimes because I have coffee and time and my big comfy bed to settle in while I write my words. I have texts and conversations and tear stained reminders of notes and letters. I have two, three when we count the four legged one, that literally fill the walls with their beings. They belong here. They are my own. This complete isn't complete, yet it is complete, just as is. And that makes my head swim most days. He whispers assurance, grace, blessings. The end sometimes is the beginning. The thing He hates perhaps is allowed for something He loves. For what will be, not what is right now. It's school that teaches me always something new about myself when I don't even understand what exactly He's asking me to do just yet. It's good days, bad days, days that make you know why You are alive, when you get to participate in this thing He calls us to.
Name it.
This is my life.
This is joy in whatever way it decides to show itself.  This is me. Thankful.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Happy Mail

It came to me in the form of happy mail.  A card from a sister in Christ I do not know…but we write…about Him, about our stories, about grace…I was frustrated and pretty low.  Driving home my thoughts were heavy… It’s pointless, hopeless and I’m just a fool.  I checked the mail on the way up the drive.  Happy Mail…it shouted to me from the upper right hand corner.  I put the truck in park and I opened it.  And the verse, well, let’s just say a Father knows His daughter’s heart.  He knows when she is getting weak and when that load is pressing and she just can’t figure out how to lay it down…..again.

Joshua 1:9 …the Lord, your God, is with you wherever you go..

Yes, yes He is.  This morning the verse still ringing in my head, I turned to it and smiled as I read it in its entirety.

“Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, or the Lord, your God is with you wherever you go.”

And it spoke to my week.  It rehashed all that I had been battling.  And I began to read it and really try and take it in what He was saying to me…perhaps to you too.  So I wanted to share my heart with you.
Have I not commanded you?  Have I not lead you day in and day out baby girl?  Have I not placed the answers right before you time and time again?

Be strong: Having the power to move heavy weights or perform other physically demanding tasks.
Be courageous: Not deterred by danger or pain, brave.
Do not be terrified: Cause or feeling of extreme fear
Do not be discouraged: Having lost confidence or enthusiasm, disheartened (loss of determination or confidence)

Boy was that me! And in this verse He so lovingly says, here is what I commanded and here is what I’m telling you not to do….and He also tells us why…..

Be strong..because the Lord YOUR GOD is with you WHEREVER you go….Be courageous… because the Lord YOUR GOD is with you WHEREVER you go….Do not be terrified…. because the Lord YOUR GOD is with you WHEREVER you go…Do not be discouraged…. because the Lord YOUR GOD is with you WHEREVER you go.  So in everything, everywhere, He is with us.  And if He is for us then who, WHO can be against us? Thankful.

Saturday, January 25, 2014


It is winter. And these days it is cold. No really.... I don't like to be cold. It's uncomfortable. Winter comes and things look dead and you don't want to move and then feel guilty for not wanting to move and oh.....umhm. This cold is pressing in on me. This winter is dragging on, like the winter feel of this season in my heart. It's getting colder and deader it seems. Also like this season. I am having issues, dreams and anxiety about water. Yes, water. He speaks to me through water, you know. Water in the pool, water in the pipes, water, water, everywhere. What happens when water gets cold? It freezes. It expands. It busts outta whatever has it bound. This cold in my soul feels like all that water, freezing and expanding. Bustin out of what has held it for so long. I dreamed a couple nights ago about snow. A vivid dream. I saw beautiful flurries coming at me, so I ran to get the kids and by the time we returned it was just rain. When I woke up I thought how crazy. It's cold, but this is the south peeps. Friday in all it's coldness, it began to rain. And I heard loud pebble sounds. I walked outside.....sleet....flurry pellets of ice coming down. They gathered in my hair and hit my face and I thought this is soooo weird!!  I came back in and as I sat, I heard that Voice.....those dreams, the ones I speak to you that sound ever so crazy.....they aren't. What seems wholly impossible, well it isn't with Me. Ice flakes in the south.....thankful.

5 Minute Friday - Visit

Joining Lisa Jo and the girls for 5 Minute Friday.  No edits, no rewrites and love those that came before..


Come visit with me a while....were the words that settled into my anxious heart. Just sit and talk to Me. Because today felt overwhelming and impossible. Today I got back in bed and listed all the reasons why getting up again were just stupid. Visit. Sit. Tell Me everything...... And so, I did. And as I did, I found the strength to put one foot in front of the other. This is not easy. There are days that seem more than I can possibly bare. And so I sit. I visit, with the One Who knows me best. With the One Who has the answers when I don't. Which is everyday. And that's ok. Because He loves our visits. Thankful.


Wednesday, January 22, 2014


You are
You are beautiful
You are beautiful because
You are beautiful because you
You are blonde hair, blue eyes, fair skin, 5'1" beautiful. 
You are momma, MOM!!!!, mommy, mother beautiful. 
You are daughter, sister, friend, companion, confidant, hand holder beautiful. 
You are encourager, writer, intercessor, love till' it hurts beautiful.
You are running shoes, one more mile, my favorite song, you got this beautiful!
You are trembling knees, second guessing, fear facing beautiful. 
Your are whole in your brokenness, healed in His wounds, bound by grace, made for a purpose beautiful. 
You are. Because He is. And He that is in you makes God see only beautiful. Thankful. 


This struggle found me face down today. Letting go required trust. Trust requires faith and He has been pressing some very sore spots lately. This place of humility and being broken and humbled over and over....I finally said I just can't anymore. I became completely undone. And perhaps that is the exact place He has been bringing me too. The Nester wrote about an UNword. Well I think mine is UNdone. Because for Him to restore some things, some things needed to be undone....completely unraveled. And if everything is neat and tidy how does He shine through? If I have it all together then how is there room for Him to put things right? So face down, teary eyed snot bubbles gave way to my coming completely unraveled in my expectations, my will, my deciding how this can possibly be what He is still, STILL speaking to me. I give Lord, I give. Yes, just yes. Move, just move. Miracles, just bring it. I'm gonna move if I have to crawl. I'm not stopping even if it's on hands and knees. And maybe that is the best way to get there. Thankful.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Behind The Scenes - Stitches

        I took my girl to a very special place yesterday.  It's a very old drug store in town but it has the absolute biggest selection of fabric you have ever seen.  Rows and rows, isles and isles.  Every type you can imagine.  The building is run down and unassuming and then you pass through a bit of clutter and disorganization....but then you are there.  The heart of it.  She is growing in her creativity.  She learned the very basics of sewing.  She has so many dreams and ideas.  I want it to be the same for her in her walk with Him.  I want her to see row upon row of instruction and ideas and ways that she can become who He has created her to be.  I am blessed by these pockets of pure joy.  As we drove past again on the way home last night she's the best store ever...She's not seeing the outside, at what most would look right past. She knows what's inside and that's what counts.  She knows of all the potential just waiting for her to explore. All the dreams and ideas waiting for her inside those walls.  I see that every time I look at her.  The beautiful insides He is creating.  Thankful.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Sunday Scripture

Some days, this is the hardest thing to do. Rest, trust, listen. Thankful. 

Friday, January 17, 2014

Faith Jam - Just Begin

Joining Bonnie and the Girls....
Just begin. Do something, anything. I opened one eye and willed myself out of bed. Coffee, kids lunches.....ack....I NEED to write...but my words have been stuck. Just begin. Kid out the door, lunch made and coffee poured. I sat down, whispered my prayer and just put one word down on the screen. Just begin. And they came in a slow trickle. And my heart felt lighter. I didn't know if I had it in me to run...but I NEED to run. It's the same way with my words. Somehow all of this is connected. One thing leads to another. And so I said... Just begin. And so I did. One step, two steps....and as I gave thanks for my legs, for the ability to move, thanks for the beautiful sky, my winter woods and cool air.....they flooded my soul. Running shakes my words loose, my words break the barriers and walls that separate me from freedom. The freedom found in allowing myself to not have the answers, not know this ending, not have to be anything other than this girl, right now, giving it all to Him. Pressing my prayers into the ground with the impact each stride brings. I leave it here for Him to take. It empties my soul and leaves room for His grace to refill. And I remember that I didn't have anything other than a command and a promise when I started this journey....all the whys, who's, when's and where's don't really matter. The end of it all was settled at the Cross so long ago. Thankful. 

5 Minute Friday - Encouragement


It's a word, a hand, a whisper....a text, a smile, a card, a tear.  A phone call, invitation, pinky swear, coffee at Target.  It's soft, it's stern, it looks you in the eyes, it lifts your chin, it hands you a tissue...and takes one too.  It's watermelon and cupcakes and all the other comforts of your insides.  It stays....even on the hard days.  It cheers for the ones who go before knowing that someday your turn will come too and it gives you the very thing it requires...strength, hope, courage, purpose...Him.  Thankful.


God Sized Dreams - Whisper

If I was being completely and utterly ridiculous would you tell me? "Yes, she replied. I would." I believe her. She asked...what going on, you okay? I told her, about battling this silence, which leads to second guessing if I am still out of the boat.. or under it. She reminded me.....when you have done absolutely all you can do, then just stand. Stand. He's been saying that a lot. This morning I woke early. Lots of things going through my head. Standing at the stove cooking breakfast for my two, I remembered. I prayed for this. This peace. These days of a life not held together by a thread. Yes, I did didn't I? These were the first whispers of a dream I didn't know existed. It's this new thing He keeps telling me about....perhaps I am really beginning to perceive it. To keep going when few around me understand what it is He is calling me to. To shrug off others opinions when I know my heart, and so does He. This is me learning. This is me standing. This is me out of the boat. If I fail, if I fall, I tried. I didn't quit. And I'm not alone. Sometimes there are only a very few hands to hold. Sometimes He wants to be the handholder. Thankful. 

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Coffee For Your Heart - You're Loved

Joining the girls and Holley for

This is a sore spot with me. It's tender, it's healing, but still. I bristled under the weight of it, lost my words when trying to write about it and I probably rolled my eyes and sighed a few or fifty times. I am loved. I know. But it's that deep soul bending life altering love I just can't get my mind off of. It's the love that says your value, your worth cannot even be measured. It reverent and it's scary and it's rainbow in color. It's all consuming. It keeps me up at night. And I wonder, why God.... why would you make me like this? And then in the quiet....oh this quiet that won't leave me be....He love like this you have to be loved like this..... Yes...what did I suppose would happen when I let Him in, when I said take it all, change me? He did just that. And so of course we love like we what we are taught. And He has taught me...about just how loved I am. And to give less than that feels quite impossible. Thankful. 

Behind The Scenes - Trust

Nope. I didn't take this picture. You see it's been very quiet. And quiet gets scary. God brings something my way and then says now let's practice Exodus 14:14 shall we?  Hard work. It's the place where doubts and fears and performance driven anxiety comes flooding in. It's where I look around and wonder if I'm doing this right.... Did I hear Him? It's where my faith is kept afloat by that tiny hope bubble that just never seems to disappear. So when I saw this today, peace trickled in. This is where I am. This place is where the rubber meets the road so to speak. This place is where He starts putting the structure on the foundation that was hard fought for. Trust. The verse that greets me each morning. Proverbs 3:5-6. Thankful. 

Saturday, January 11, 2014


I get concerned. I get nervous. Is it You Lord? Even now I question...what if I make a mistake? I was reading this a couple days ago and her words pricked my heart:

"At odds. My goodness that is exactly how it feels when fight Him...resist His hand...pull away and turn our heart." Vanessa Dorsey 
And He reminded me. He spoke something, so tiny and seemingly inconsequential. But my heart knew it wasn't.  My heart knew it was about hearing Him and obeying. Because my first thought was prideful and I felt that immediate tug. I was trying to run. He said not the right way....and I knew. And I did what He asked and it broke that hard place in my heart as I followed through. It made me tear up. I heard. I listened. I knew what He was asking. And I did it. 

Yesterday, another word spoke. And I questioned. And I did it. Even in the silence. And He reminds me. If I misstep He is right here. If I can't determine the whisper He will hold me. He shows us the way. And His goal is that closeness. That tug. That smallest hint of separation that will feel like a huge piece of us missing. Thankful. 

Friday, January 10, 2014

5 Minute Friday - See

Joining Lisa Jo and the girls for 5 Minute edits, no re-writes and love those that came before you..


God is asking me to see things a little different lately.  See past what is visible and let the unseen settle in. Perhaps I am more able now, to trust what I do not lay my eyes on and see with His eyes....with my hearts eyes.  Maybe I can not get so frustrated when I don't see anything happening, yet I can believe in the work being done in the unseen.  Maybe I can persevere a little better, while He works in places that are hidden, waiting to be seen at the appointed time...God's time.  Maybe I am able to see Him in my days, in my words, in my thoughts, in my sadness.  I see needs differently than I did before.  I see His provision in the trials and the frustrations.  I see His goodness...I see this path that has been carved through my heart and I know that He is here.  Faith is to hope in things unseen.  Do I dare risk it?  Even now?  Especially now?  I would have to say with a deep sigh, yes.  Because I have new eyes.  Eyes to see, ears to hear His voice.  Thankful.

Thursday, January 9, 2014


Joining Bonnie and the girls at Faith Barista today...

The water unfroze itself thankfully yesterday.  Just a little ice and nothing bad.  I was desperately thankful. Since I had come home early to check and all was well, I went for a run in the thaw that had finally found us. This morning I woke early to turn on the coffee and the heat before waking the children.  And....we had coffee, but it seems the heat just didn't want to cooperate.  I smiled.  This, I can manage, because what's a morning without changing it up a little?  Each morning this week has brought some sort of change or challenge.  Although I can't say what, they each held purpose.  Last year, everyone was talking about one word.  A word for the year.  I had just come back to writing online after years away from it all together and all of 2012 written with pen and paper.  This world of blogging was new to me.  But as I continued to let the days and the words transform me into what He walked me through, my word hunted me down and took root.  It was the answer given long long long before I even had the question.  It was the first piece of this puzzle God was putting together with the shards of my heart.  Thankful.....There it was one day and little did I know it had come home to stay.  Little did I know He was teaching me to live thankful no matter the state I found myself in.  Hard lesson learned.  Tear stained, gut wrenching, battle fought word it was to my heart. But that gave way to what He wanted to do in me.  And in the very stillness of the ending of what was an even crazier year than 2012, something else sprang up.....something He promised me long ago.....something that seemed like a fairy  It was the thing that began spilling out of me in the strangest of times.  I couldn't control it.  I am afflicted, but joyful....things are not as I want them to be, yet I am still joyful......a surrendered heart is a joyful heart.  Weeping endured for the night....two very long years....but then joy came, the morning He promised.  And I can't even tell you what that means exactly.  He really isn't big on giving me the itinerary.  Give thanks....then the joy comes.  And joy is not what I expected it to be.  It's not happy, light, fluffy with giggle and grins.  It's solid and unmoving.  It is settled and unswerving.  It is the knowledge, the heart knowledge, that for this girl, means one very important thing.  He will not leave.  He will not abandon me.  And that a really big deal for this heart.  Joy is realizing I am never doing this alone, that His provisions are not dependent on my ability or resources, that He truly calls me to obey and if I'm doing what He is asking me to do, then He is going to meet my every need so I can continue to do just that. Without fear, without worry....with joy.  Thankful.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014


Joining Holly and the girls for Coffee For Your Heart 

God Sized dreams have to start somewhere don't they? Yeah :) Mine began two years ago, face down and my world was shattered.  Nothing in my life was ok and I had never been further away from God.  He kept me breathing and moving for the next three weeks as the horror and shock became my reality.  And it was then, sitting on the den floor He asked me...which way baby have to choose....and I was so desperate and so hurting that I begged Him to just tell me what to do....I'll do whatever You say.....and so here I am :)  I chose to do things His way this time.  Not the way I usually had done, not the way the world says is the right way.  And that changed everything, but especially me.  My dream?  It may not seem big, but it's more than you can be a wife and mama, to be the encourager and intercessor He created me to be and to share what He has done in reach others and offer what only He can.  Restoration.  The restoration He promised me in a bathroom stall at Target, the restoration He promised me long before that when I didn't even understand, also in a bathroom stall at Target....God speaks to me in bathrooms, A LOT. He sometimes has to corral me to get me to shut it down and listen!  The restoration He promised as He called me back to writing.  The first blog I ever visited!  Christine's!  Because of the verse....Joel 2:25....His promise :)

So, I'm sitting here writing (and's my joy overflow when I get full :) with frozen water somewhere.....I sent the kids off to school with teeth brushed from bottled water.  But here is the amazing thing....we kept our peace.  We kept our joy.  My girl praised Jesus cause I had enough water in the pitcher to make coffee!  I praised Him cause really, what can I complain about?  I am blessed to have family to help me.  I just had to make a phone call.  I have plenty of places to go and shower and wash clothes and do anything I need until things get restored.  I have a big ol' pool I just got refilled the night before and scooped some out to get enough to bathe with this morning.

He meets our needs while we wait for restoration.  They may not be exactly what we expected, but we are not in want. This was never ever what I expected.  But I have not for one second been in want.  Why? Because I chose Him.  His ways.  And they are not always the easiest way around the block, no ma'am.  But I will say from experience, He restores.  And He never fails.  Thankful.

Behind The Scenes - Unexpected

They are amazing, these three. They are the ones who have traveled with me along this narrowest of ways. They are the smiles that greet me each morning. They are the reason some days I keep getting out of bed. They were my best gift this Christmas Day. They are my heart and soul. They are my treasure, my greatest accomplishments. They are joy. I was so very nervous about this Christmas, what it would hold, how it would feel because the last two, well, they left me feeling anything but God's love if I am being honest.  This year I knew, God was calling me into quiet. That terrified me.  I wanted to go anywhere but there.  But I knew better this time, better than to doubt Him.  And in the beautiful quiet He gave me more than I can ever list.  I let Him have His way and He showed me the way.  I had told the children that our budget still stood and that we had to be mindful of things.  They were both so gracious about it.  The miracle that touched my heart is in the fact that neither child said anything other than thank you for what we have.  We don't care how much, we are thankful.  And they had the best Christmas ever.  They traveled to see family, and in the way that only God can do....He provided them with everything they asked for.  Every.Single.Thing.  And the pure and utter joy on their faces was a gift I cannot describe.  This Christmas was everything my heart needed.  It was beautiful, it was healing.  It was never about the stuff.  God wants us to have things, I believe that.  But His biggest concern is the condition of our hearts.  When we realize what our true Gift is, all the rest takes proper place and is icing on the cake. At the end of the day, it is those three who make my life so much richer. And this was the year I got the Best.Gift.Ever....I got my joy back. Thankful. 

Tuesday, January 7, 2014


It's so very cold as of late.  Something that I haven't experienced in quite a while.  Everything in me just wants to be still.  I am finding myself in a place where the old just doesn't fit anymore.  No matter how hard I try and put it on, it doesn't work.  And this new staring me in the face doesn't quite fit just right either.  It's an uncomfortable skin..roomy and it reminds me that I haven't grown into it just yet.  So this is the place of in-between.  This is the place where I recite over and over thanks for what no longer contains and thanks for what He is growing me into.  Yesterday found me wrestling with many emotions and so I gave up and crawled back into bed and shut my eyes tightly.  I'm standing in a broad place that I do not know and it overwhelms. I don't know what to do at times, so I just breathe.  And I remember now there are times where that could be such a challenge.  I read something that made me stop.  Something that stirred my soul.  I question so often, what in the world is it You have called me to Lord?  What is my purpose in all this?

“Be the one who nurtures and builds. Be the one who has an understanding and a forgiving heart one who looks for the best in people. Leave people better than you found them.”  ― Marvin J. Ashton

Leave people better than you found them....Some enter my life for a short while, some stay, some come and go....but how are they after an encounter with me? Did I allow God to use me to refill someone very weary and burdened or did I heap an extra helping onto the weight they already carry?  Perhaps this is the thing I need to be most concerned about, the condition of a life, of a precious soul after our paths have crossed.  That changes my view on things.  Really it quite changes everything.  Thankful.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

But God..

Luke 1:45
Amplified Bible (AMP)
45 And blessed (happy, [a]to be envied) is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of the things that were spoken to her from the Lord.
This was not the verse that I had chosen for today.  This day....but it has hunted me down and shown itself and whispered deep into my soul.  Two years ago, this day found the destruction of my marriage and all that entailed.  It found me face down staring at a road I had no idea how to travel.  A year ago, this day found me battle weary, wondering where God was when I did what He asked me to do, but nothing turned out the way I thought it would.  When He called me back to blogging and I did so reluctantly.  Now here I am again. Standing in a place I never ever thought I would. Standing because of a firm foundation.  Standing because for once in my life I said ok Lord, I will do it Your way.  No idea.....I had no idea what that would mean. That there would be days this fight would be more than I ever believed I could face....But God....that He would ask me to love in a way that I had only read about....But God.....that He would use the worst thing that had ever happened to me to change me into the girl He needed me to be....But God.  He changes everything.  And what has He asked of me?  Only believe.  To believe means to keep going when everything points in the different direction, when plans fall apart and dreams are shattered, when tears fall and nights alone measure more than anything you ever thought possible.  He said so.  He promised.  And the verse that comes just a little before this one reminds me....

Luke 1:37
Amplified Bible (AMP)
37 For with God nothing is ever impossible and no word from God shall be without power or impossible of fulfillment.

As I stood in the shower this morning, my thoughts turned to thanksgiving.  Thank You Lord.  I made it to the top of this mountain.  There will be more highs and lows, hill and valleys and days where I just need to be still and remember Who You are.  Today I would look at the girl, using every ounce of strength she had just to keep breathing....look her in the eyes and tell her that she will be simply amazing.  That He will not leave her or forsake her and that she will make it.  That because of Him I can truly say....
Genesis 50:20
New International Version (NIV)
20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

Saturday, January 4, 2014


This morning is cold.  The house is quiet and so I write.  Writing to remember, writing to give voice, writing to own things, writing to forgive.  These are the days of letting go.  The days of a new thing.  The days of letting joy creep in ever so slowly and test its weight in this heart of mine.  These are Isaiah 43 days that were foretold long ago.  Marked so they would not be forgotten.  Written so that it can't be known as anything other than what it is....God's word springing forth at the appointed time.  Through the grey of the low clouds I see it....clear blue.  Up above what appears on the surface.  I sit in a space and give my thanks.  Thanks for what is right this second....but joy gives me eyes to see what lies springs up....that's what joy does.  It perceives it.  As I wait, I remember.  I give thanks for what has been, what I have been delivered from, what the hard days....729 to be exact....have brought me through to get to this place.  In the waiting He whispers......He speaks the words I have waited for.  He gives what is asked of Him.  He is found by the seeker.  Joy is hard fought, hard won and it doesn't come into place so very easily.  It is big and wide and all consuming.  It is found by the heart that was shattered, for what else can contain this?  It gathers and binds and creates something new, something bigger, something more than was ever expected to hold Him for just a moment before it breaks wide open again....because joy was never meant to be contained,'s was meant to be spilled and it comes in a flood.  Thankful.

Friday, January 3, 2014

5 Minute Friday - Fight


The word sunk in deep.  I know this word.  This word is what He whispered when I could not get out of bed....fight....when I wanted to run...fight....when I wanted to hide.....fight.  This word changed me.  He taught me a different way, a way to fight back with my words....not to wound, but to heal.  He taught me to pray without ceasing, to fight hard battles on my knees.  He taught me how to fight by only being still.  Thing is about the fight is, it requires training and effort and time and perseverance.  It requires help and a team because no good fighter ever won a battle on their own, no, we do this as a whole.  Sometimes we need to change strategies.  Sometimes we have to walk away.  Sometimes that is the hardest fight of all.  Thankful.


Thursday, January 2, 2014

What's Inside

Day 2 of a brand new year.  This year is already very different than the past couple.  For that I am eternally grateful.  He didn't say doing it His way would be easy.  But if I am honest, it was less hard than doing it the wrong way.  Because already, He is showing Himself mightily.  Already, the solid I feel under my feet is different than anything I have every known.  How can I ever be sad about that?  Sometimes it's in the uncomfortable that we find our grace.  The uncomfortable makes us much more aware....and that's when we see the beauty.  That's where His answers are found.  Not in the things that we can grasp, but stepping out and saying meet me here Lord.  He will.  Wherever you find yourself today, call on His name.  He will meet you just where you are.  He's the most amazing hand holder He is :) The joy of what He has done and is doing has settled quite nicely into me.  My verse today came from waaaaayyyy back :) The one He gave me on the first steps of this journey.  I had no clue really what He was trying to say.  It grabbed me.  I held it and it's roots dug deep down into my soul.  This morning, I saw it so differently.  It's what He has been trying to get me to see all along.  What I have tortured myself with time and time and time again, all took new perspective today.
1 Corinthians 13:2 AMP
2 And if I have prophetic powers ([b]the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), and understand all the secret truths and mysteries and possess all knowledge, and if I have [sufficient] faith so that I can remove mountains, but have not love (God’s love in me) I am nothing (a useless nobody).

What if I have everything that seems to be what the world says you must have to be happy?  What if I can do it all, if I have everything I need and then some?  What if I have the faith that can move a mountain?  None of this....or anything else for that matter, amounts to anything if we cannot love.  And that kind of love is described later in the verse.  And that kind of love cannot be found without God's love in us.  If I don't have Him, then truly I have nothing.  So when I look closely, I see He has given me so very much in this. Thankful.