Wednesday, July 5, 2017

On the 5th Day

These days feel slowly methodical.  But they have made me stop, made me quiet.  I remember the summers of an actual break for so many years.  It's been five since that has been my life.  As my world changed, so did my need for working and providing in a different way for my children.  And I'm grateful for that.  But along the way, a more hectic pace set in and I began wrapping myself tighter and tighter.  Rest replaced with movement.  And I have just been plain tired.  This has made me stop again.  Letting my soul and my mind heal perhaps as much as my body.  Today feels like those summer of long away, yet without the heaviness.  Without the fear, the dread.  The lightness from all these burdens being taken, removed.  I realized this morning that yesterday was very different, and it was another year, on this holiday, that everything changed drastically.  What I knew just wasn't anymore.  And it felt so strange.  I felt uncomfortable almost in the new skin I had acquired.  That day, the celebration went from very big to very small.  And so it began, a new chapter, a new tradition that would span a decade.  Last year would be the last I would celebrate it in such a way, I just didn't know it then.  This year was new.  Small.  Quiet.  And I felt uneasy in my skin but also peaceful.  That familiar new beginning I didn't register until this morning.  Solid doors closed that decade ago.  Solid doors closed this year for me as well. I'm grateful for these walls that have literally held me for all of my adult life.  I have been here longer than anywhere else in my years.  This is home.  This is where I belong.  So many stops and starts.  Beginnings and ends.  Yet here I am still, where He placed me.  I am blessed.  I'm finding that in this crazy new little detour, He has actually called me to go first.  I'm not surprised by this.  I've been here before.   He made me the girl able to do hard things.  He gave me the tools, the ability, all those years ago.  Only He had to quiet me again to see, to listen, to stop and be prayerful and hear.  So much healing.  Thankful.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

The 4th in the 5th Year

It feels like a Saturday morning to me, yet it's Tuesday.  Half a year gone already.  I can't quite wrap my head around the speed in which time seems to be passing these day.  It's been steaming hot as of late.  I will take all the sun and steam over the last few weeks of the endless days of rain.  It's been a week of being home.  Recovering from some life changing things.  And I feared it for a long time.  Held on way passed what was feasible because, well I do that.  I'm not an easily open hands kind of girl.  I am the one that runs to Him saying....but don't You remember what You said??  What You promised?  Yes.   And if I have learned anything on this treck of mine it is that He well knows all He dropped into my heart.  It's just that it doesn't always look the way I planned.  So I clench tight my fists.  Holding on to any semblance of control I can muster.  And He stands with me, waiting, whispering, until I finally let go. 

I woke this morning feeling good.  No pain.  Like I'm finally getting back to myself again.  And it struck me, this was the hardest day of the year for me before.  This was the time we celebrated, this was our family event that rivaled Christmas.  And it looks a million times different than it ever has before.  And it is good.  And I am grateful.  I have always feared change.  And Lord knows that sure hit me square five years ago.  And this structured girl learned to live outside the bounds of comfort.  It changed me.  He changed me.  And today, this year is no different.  My planner does not dictate His plan.  My earthly desire do not control His divine purpose.  In the end, I'm just a girl seeking Him over and over.  Everyday.  Some days way better than others.  Thankful.

Friday, June 30, 2017

Water

Today is the very first day of no rain.  I was cautiously optimistic.  I saw brightness peeking through and prayed that just maybe....after three weeks of this, maybe some sun.  And then it came. In all its steamy glory. And I put on sunglasses and asked my boy to set my chair for me. These days of slow moving and healing inside and out have more to do with my heart than I'd like to admit. He got everything just so and watched me sit down. 10 minutes. 10 beautiful minutes in the warm soaking heat. I was sweating by the time I made it in but I didn't care. I pulled a book off the shelf and began re-reading it again. It has been a few years, but I quickly realize..... It shall be one of those books. Yes. The words hit me all at once and I know. Tears fall in place of the raindrops...... Because those words He has been whispering all along the way of this path of late. There. They. Are. Forget those former things....the past... I'm doing something new, don't you see it?!? And I do. I do see it. Like sunlight piercing through deep veiled blinds I do. And as I have let go of quite a bit this week He holds my hand and whispers.... I've got a plan....thankful

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Scars

They scared me the very most.  The scars.  But as I settled in to this things that I knew I needed to do I was reminded...I do have scars.  All that has been the last few years, leading me here.  Making me able to do what I needed.  A big door shutting.  The definite no.  The end of something...and the scars to prove it.  Yes, I have walked such the similar path, with scars on my heart, yet somehow it made me more able to live.  More able to appreciate.  More able to go forward in spite of fear.  In spite of these new scars, I feel better.  I'm thankful that He set me in just the right place at just the right time to do what I have needed to do really for quite sometime.  I let go of the fear keeping me from being healthy and making the hard choice to loose something only to gain a better life.  Funny how we hold on so very long to what is, wanting to keep all the things out of fear.  Holding on to the toxic, life draining things, because without them, well, there is the unknown.  There is loss.  But then again, there is such gain on the other side.  I'm learning to give myself grace in this.  The process.  The healing.  And all that is to come.  Thankful.   

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Five Minute Friday: Purpose

It's been a while so here it goes...Five Minute Friday.  No edits just write.

PURPOSE: Go

I have been questioning my purpose these days.  What all of it means.  Such a different place than I ever supposed, but here I am in brand new territory again.  All the things that I once believed were my purposed have shifter.  But I beginning to understand that seams come and they go.  And what we learned from the last becomes new purposed for the new.  My workouts have changed, my love of food and how I share that has changed.  My job and coworkers have changed also.  And my family is a lot different too.   None of these things did I ever expect.  Yet somehow, I see God's purpose in them.  Some easier to understand than others.  They all have purpose.  And while some days I try desperately to figure out His hand in these things I remember, He is working them all for my good.  My job is to seek Him.  And some days that looks different than others.  That's okay too.  I'm still that girl running after His heart.  He taught me that.  And perhaps that's the purpose of all of this.  Thankful.

Stop.

Sunday


It's been quite the while since I've written typed words and quite the while since I have run on the outside.  I decided this weekend I would do both.  I realized as I ran the roads I had become so accustom to, much has changed in the scenery.  And I remembered as I ran, how many days I had traveled those exact same roads, but the feelings....they are so very different.  A couple years back, a friend who had walked a similar road to me had come out of the other side and was in a different place.  She said "I can't run like I used to.  It frustrates me.  I'm not angry anymore". At the time I couldn't quite wrap my mind around her words.  But yesterday when they came to mind, I smiled.  I don't run like I used to anymore either.  Running literally saved me.  Mentally, spiritually, physically, it was my out.  It was how I could pour out my heart and emotions and lay prayer after prayer on those roads.  Miles and miles of tears and words and breathing and the ability to make it one more day.  God gave me that precious gift.  My manna.  It sustained me.  As I ran yesterday I didn't feel that push, that strain that need for air.  I ran slower and took more time.  I was taking things in more than letting them out.  Same for my words I suppose.  Their purpose also so very different.  I used to pour my heart out in my writing and blogging.  It saved me too.  God gave purpose to them and He taught me how to use them in ways that would build up and not tear down.  Suffice to say, that is always an area for improvement.  It's been over five years since the bottom fell out.  Since my life as I knew it was destroyed.  Since the very answer to my prayers was the complete destruction of what I knew.  I lost so much.  But I gained so much more.  There are the ones that I miss daily and that are a constant in my prayers.  But just like God promised me that March morning, literal weeks after the destruction came...Joel 2:25.  And He is reminding me lately so very much, look around baby girl....I know you see it...yes.  I do.  The literal way back restorations coming forward.  Perhaps no one else would even notice.  But I do.  The tiniest of things, restored.  All brand new.  And I can't help but be terrified and excited all at the same time.  I keep asking for a road map....He keeps shaking His head a bit I'm sure.  Because He know the plans He has for me...and that is all that really matters.  Thankful.