May

My boy had his last ROTC award banquet a couple weeks ago.  We have been through four. And they have all been bitter sweet. His entire high school career has felt like we were wading through so much. Trying to just survive at first. Unsure of it all. That program was a salvation of sorts. It gave him direction and guidance and structure in school. I had worried so when he went to high school. My sweetest boy with the biggest heart. So very quiet. He of course had my girl right there with him for the first couple years. And she is fierce. You didn't mess with his without going through her she was his defender. She was his protection. Turns out he would do just fine. God placed him right square in the place he needed to be. Funny how that happens....He puts us where we need to be when we may have other ideas altogether. I wanted a front table. I wanted to be able to see him and get pictures. This was his senior year. And he has done so much. And the awards came, and he got his share, but it was the little disheveled new freshman that made his way up early, stood by our table, introduced himself and then proceeded to sit right down beside us. He was there alone it seemed. And he needed a table to sit at as well. And I had to choke back to tears....the first will be last......I had sought to be first and God reminded me in His economy there are much more important things than the most awards and recognition. As I had chosen that table for other reasons, He reminded me of what I seem to have forgotten lately. His plans may be completely different than ours. Will we see our purpose, our true reason for being there or be too consentrated on what we feel like should be? Will we let Him gently correct our way of seeing things? Will we let go of pride and let Him reveal the things that need work in our own hearts? I'm finding myself facing these questions more and more in a month that has held more ups and downs, more stops and starts than any other one in a year. Two years ago this day held the brand new start that would just be the beginning for me while it held and end to something God had placed in my heart. I just didn't know it then. And the walk through that has been long. His ways are not ours. And I am learning yet again to live with open hands. To let go of the fear that threatens to overtake and be still and know. He is God. Thankful. 

Steps

It was a long rainy week. Lots of things going on that made my world stop in a way. Tending to need of the ones put here for me to care for and love. And that is my heart. That is who I am. And in this part of my life I am allowed to be that, to give that. And I own it. This morning as I sit in the coolness with the sun shining brightly He reminds me....be still.....yes. These battles raging against and around.....He will fight, be still. And I remember days and verses of so long ago. Years where I felt unended and out of place and just not quite right. Years where I wondered....wandered....waiting. I can take a breathe now and just be myself. I spent half my life fighting for.....and now it seems with the rest I can simply be the girl that walked out of the fire. Thankful.