27

It's beautiful out. It's the holiday weekend. This month that has left me exhausted yet again seems to be finding its way to an end. And this journey that has taken up so many years of my life seems to be finally coming to an end as well. I am so very ready. For a time it was all buried. I don't think I realized how much I still lived in fear. And when it all came crashing down again I began to have to face it. It's been a year of that. Facing fear, pressing through. Doing hard things that felt impossible. Yes, it's been quite a year. I think He needed to change me, to grow me, so I could come face to face with the horror and not let it destroy me once again. So I could make the choice I needed to make. Feeling the anger isn't wrong. Letting it change you, control you, well that is. There is so much ahead of me. So much goodness. I can feel it bubbling up. I can feel it with anticipation. And it makes me smile. I have so very much to be thankful for. I came across the 27th psalm this morning. My favorite one...the Lord is my light and my salvation. Whom shall I fear...I am still confident of this. I WILL see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living..yes. I will. He is faithful. Thankful. 

What Do You Hear

It's a quiet morning. After a long week, I'm letting it settle in. I have realized along this road there are questions that perhaps will never have answers. Things I will just never understand. And I'm deciding that it is ok. I look around at what I do have. I look around at what survived and came from the fire. And I realize that there are some days that we need only pick one thing to be grateful for  let that be the focus. God loves me enough to never give up on me. He never quit. He walked me through a decade of literal hell. And I came out the other side. Different. Changed. And there are those with their words that want to tie you down and bind you up to make you small. To keep you from becoming. And those are the days I turn my headphones up just a little louder. And I run just a little faster. That girl doesn't live here anymore. And fear has no place. Thankful. 

Today

Somehow it just turned into the day that I realized I was right where I needed to be. I was in the place He wanted me. This was my calling. And all the things that make me doubt and all the things that keep me awake and all the things that make me feel like I'm not enough, somehow all those things fade and I know. Every experience, every long day, everything that made me wonder why, it had a purpose. And I have not arrived and I still surely battle on the hard days, but I am learning that God's grace, His mercy, is new. Every morning without fail. Get back up baby girl. It's a new day. And there is so much to be done. Thankful. 

Mother Letters

You were the game changer. You challenged everything I knew, everything with you was brand new. All the days and nights....months of sleeplessness I believed I couldn't survive. You were the one that made me fierce. You were the one that made me find my voice. You were the one who pushed me into something I didn't even know I wanted to do. You were the one who made me challenge doctors when they said something was wrong. I knew better. And I was right. You were the one who made me know I could trust myself to know what was best for you and your sister. I could do things differently than the way I grew up. It could be different for you.  You were the happiest one with all the sweet chunkiness that a baby could hold. You had the biggest blondest curls that ever existed. I cried at your first hair cut. You had and still do the most unique blue eyes, my eyes. My great grandaddy's eyes. You are the spitting image of my dad. And you have a gentle quiet about you like your Big Paw Paw. You were the first boy. And on one side, the only boy. You were born with a forgiving heart. The rarest of them all. You have always done things in your own time and your own way, taking it all in. 

You didn't talk until you were three and a half. You didn't have to. As much as your sister could manage to get her way using you as the ruse, she was never going to let you do without anything. You didn't have to speak. She knew what you wanted with just a look. We worried and lost sleep for months. We took you to speech therapy and you happily played with all the Legos. Your hearing was fine. You were fine. And the one day she busted out that echoing megaphone, you showed us you knew all along. You were just waiting for the right time. Your own time. That has been true for you in every area, every stage of your life. You have accomplished more than I could have ever dreamed for you. You did it without complaining, you made your dreams a reality and so much more. Certainly this road was nothing like I dreamed it would be. But maybe it's everything we needed. Maybe it's what got us here. And maybe that's really ok. In two short weeks you will be done with high school. My youngest. My baby. I can't hardly wrap my mind around it, yet somehow, it's exactly the right time. You were the best unexpected gift I never knew I needed. Yet God did. He gave you to me at just the right moment. I am so very proud of your accomplishments. So very proud of who you are and everything you will become. I love you. Thankful. 

Photo credit: Rachel Lindell Photography