27

It's the day. My day. The one I struggle with. The one that has made me feel less than. The one that is forever a reminder. But it's mine. It's been five years since this day, my day was on a Saturday. It began with hard work that would be life changing. It ended with the reality that my world was crumbling. I look back now at how much has happened and how far I've come. How much I've learned. How the struggle changed me. And I wouldn't go back. Not even for a second. There is much ahead. Much more to this life. It's the first morning in quite a while all is silent. Everyone is at peace. And I had plenty of time to wake up on my own. Plenty of time to let the blessings soak in. This is the second one of my days I've gotten to share with my one. My own. One that left my card right where he knew I'd first go in the morning. Because he knows me. He hates to see me sad or hurting so he sends me unexpected flowers just so I'll smile. Just because. These are the days I prayed for. These are the days I wondered if they would ever come. And they did. Yes. And so I'm going to let this rest and peace settle in deep today. No looking back. No. Only forward. Thankful.

Dust

He remembers we are dust....those words settled deep in my heart this morning. He remembers who we are, what we are made of. And He is faithful. Even when we are not. Even when we fall. Even when we think what in the world is the purpose for all this. He remembers. Fall is coming. I can feel it. It's still hot and muggy outside, but change is heavy in the air. And it's translating to more areas than just the weather. Everything is different. Not one thing like before. And all these new things springing up, yes Lord, I do perceive it. The realization that things have changed. My world, my responsibilities, my children, my relationships. Me. And though I walked quite a while with things feeling quite like walking a dessert, He's bring some things right back round, yes. He does that. Something things revisited that I realize I have no answers to. Those things I must let go. But then others, quite unexpected grace.  I've had days of quiet. Beautiful days. Pressing in and pressing forward. I've had to let go of the things I have held so tightly to so I could find some rest. Some peace. Me. So I could find myself again. Above all else I wanted to remain humble Lord. The hardest thing of all. To love others more than myself. The lesson you taught me all these years. You alone are my provision. Thankful. 

Fly

My youngest began college yesterday. College. No school supplies or first day drop offs or fee bills. For the love, no fee bills. It was a very quiet and unassuming start. And I breathed. I got them to functional humanhood. The adulting shall come later. Baby steps. No need to rush it. Because, bless, it WILL come. Such transition. Such change. Such new that really isn't. We just walked on through that door. I was secretly happy on more levels than I imagined. I've mothered for 20 years. And I took a breath. I opened my hands again with my last one. There is a joy in that. I let the sadness of it go a long while back. They can do hard things. Because we have. We sure have. And they have it in them. To be amazing people. To love and give and change the world around them. And regardless of it all, I'll always be mom. Home. Thankful.