31 Days - Day 13

It filtered in my inbox yesterday morning. It didn't produce tears or any sort of emotion really. It's what I already know.  There are days when I don't have any tears left to cry. So I read the words that started it all. What if.....I prayed, let this settle in and just know, You have this under control. My part is to be obedient. The rest is up to You. What if I walk today in a different type of assurance. The assurance that Your promises hold. You made me able to come this far. You will see it through. Thankful. 

31 Days - Day 12

When is the last time stepping out in faith caused you fear....made you step out of your comfort zone?.... My pastor asked this in church today. I cried. Less than a day ago it was. Yes it was. And the fear was great, but that shred of peace whispered loud. It was right even though it scared me. Because the what ifs were so very loud. But I'm finding they fade too. Proper perspective comes with each hard, right choice. When you decide based on what is true, then you can see past the lies, past the things that keep you held in the place you are bound. What if all this time has been preparation for this, right now? Seems crazy to think, but then again, learning takes time. Changes take time. Thankful. 

31 Days - Day 8

So much can happen in 7 days. When you take one step towards facing what you fear the most, when you just stop running and look it in the eye and do the next right thing anyways, well, it changes something in you. It isn't the absence of fear, it doesn't make it easier, it just makes the next hard thing do-able. Because you know it won't kill you. And as bad and as terrifying as it feels, something in you says that it actually feels less awful than if you had gone against what you know is right. Yeah. It still makes my insides shake. But I can't unknow what He has shown me. I can't choose something else over Him this time. No matter how much I love it or how much this hurts, this is the way. Thankful. 

31 Days - Day 11

I was standing over bacon. Frying it for something that I didn't have the main ingredient for. I should have looked first. Should have made sure. All but one ingredient. The most important one. I made a wrong choice. Shocker. All the ingredients weren't there. I have learned that God can redeem even our wrong choices, but here's the kicker. Redemption does not come in singles. He redeems big and wide and He's going to use yours to work it out in others. That is a hard and messy thing at times. Yet it changes everything. Wrong choices made right. Thankful. 

31 Days - Day 10

Lots of walls collapsing these days. I see them. And somehow they just don't frighten me. I've been here before. I've sat among the rubble. My own ashes of a house burned straight down to the ground. Rebuilding is never easy. In fact, it's terrifying. The memories, they are there. Grace is how I made it through. Grace is how I made it out from under. My reaction is to rescue. Sometimes the better answer is to let Him do the rescuing and me, well, perhaps the learning to be still sunk in after all. And it rips me in two. But I know the way I came. How it shaped me. Changed me. The struggle. The fight. The surrender. Thankful. 

31 Days - Day 9

It hit me today. Somewhere between driving home from work and trying to talk myself into eating at 7:45 pm.....I'm a grown up. Me. The tiny girl that prayed a big prayer about wanting to learn to stand on her own two feet, yeah....me. How did this happen? I can't say really. I felt it while running sprints last night in the place God brought me right back round to. How many nights did I run it out on that ground under that moon? I'm not the same girl I was when I left there. I'm stronger. I'm changed. What if........all this is what it took to make me, me? What if.... Thankful. 

31 Days - Day 7

I'm back in the space and activities that carried me through many hard days. But I'm just the new girl this time. Nothin to prove. And it makes me happy. I'm not bound by any label or expectation. And I'm stronger than when I left. The nights aren't filled with trying to exhaust myself so sleep will come. They are a challenge to push myself. I know what I am capable of. I know what the hard work will accomplish. Thankful.