Psalm 91

Hidden. That was the word. And I wanted to be. There have been times that I wanted so desperately to be anything but. And looking back I see the great growing that came from it. Hidden. Under His wing. Laid low under His hand. And it made no sense. Yet in hindsight it taught me. Where to return to when the whole world keeps spinning so fast I can hardly breath. Return, He said. Thankful. 

Five

Five years. That's how very long it's been. My life was changing in drastic ways. God was preparing me, even though He was destroying all that was. Protection. Wrapped in loss, betrayal, heartbreak. He set me in a place that was new. He surrounded me. I had to grow into the skin of the girl I would become. And that was not easy. The ones I walked with have all fallen away. And I have made peace with that. It's not wise to hold onto things well past when we should have opened our hands. A time. A season. The open door that saved me is closing, yes. And as much as I had planned to do it a certain way, life happens. My life. Five years later things are very different. So very different. But the pressing, the entering into new is certainly not. I find myself here yet again. The old closing. The new waiting. Thankful. 

Thin Blue Line

I'm not a news watcher. I haven't been for a number of years. It's too much. Perhaps that is naive of me in some ways. But mostly it feels like self preservation. Soul preservation. And it just keeps getting worse. I hear about the news. The place I go to each day, my family away from home, deals with every one of the ugly things that happen in this world. Yesterday morning I heard the news. And it broke my heart. The building I walk into everyday is where those that protect and serve come and go. They are real people with real lives. Real stories. Real families. They are flesh and blood behind that uniform. They work what they love, what they were meant to do. And it takes everyone pulling together to make it happen every person doing their job so they can get up and go out each day and answer the calls that keep us all safe. They work endless hours, miss important events, drop meals mid way through, if the need arises. They see and hear things that people just shouldn't. They are cussed at, lied to, spit on, hit, and wrestled with at times trying to do their job. Keeping you safe. I have been the one at home waiting for a phone call. And for the last couple years, I have been in the other side, seeing first hand what all happens in the day to day. The people I went to work with became my family. You have good and bad, fights and arguments, misunderstandings and hurt feelings. But you have those who quicker than you can turn around, have your back. No matter what. They are those that hold your hand, make you food, heal your wounds and spend hours consoling broken hearts. Your family too. It's not a job you leave at a building. Not something you turn off at 5 pm. It's who you are. It's in you. It's a beautiful calling. It's a terrifying one at that. I rode the elevator up to my space yesterday. I shared the ride with a mother and daughter. I smiled. My own child sits on the floor below where I began. With the people who are my own. With the ones who love him too and huddle around and pour their knowledge into him. Helping him to become what I know God made him to be. In this world that's a scary thing. That's my baby. My youngest child. But I know that it's the ones like him that are game changers. World changers. And it's those that let you sleep at night. I walk the halls each day that are filled with the ones who live out the beauty of scripture...“No one has greater love [no one has shown stronger affection] than to lay down (give up) his own life for his friends.” John 15:13 AMP

They live and breathe it. They would not hesitate. Thankful. 

Morning

It's really early. I just can't sleep. So here I am, wide awake with a pen in one hand and my phone in the other. Most days it's hard to write really. My journal feels more like a log than anything else. This is what normal is....real life....? The last decade has felt anything but real. The things we walked though still leave me shaking my head. This morning I slipped into the den quietly and laid on the couch. I haven't done this in quite a while. But I remember how it used to be almost a daily occurance, when sleep seemed like an ability that I had lost forever. When the quiet of the pre-dawn pressed in and it felt like this was my only peace, because who knew what the day was going to hold. These were the days I learned to pray. The whispers of words. The hollowing out of all that pain. These were the days that I learned how to breathe by running. It saved me. I look at myself in the mirror and I see a very different girl. So many years have passed since those horrible days...weeks...months. And the normal I prayed for quietly found itself right at my doorstep. New. Nothing like I dreamed. Yet the thing that I learned most about me is how to get back to center. How to come back to the quiet. How to settle my soul. The storms of life come. I learned how to swim. So much was lost in the fire that consumed my life. Yet so much lovely has grown. So much more. So I'm sitting here on a morning much like the years of the past. Only they aren't. These are the days of change as well. But He has equipped me. He has made me strong. Able. And He gave the the ability to love. Thankful. 

Five

On the 5th day in the 5th year I took it back. I think I had stood frozen for so long out of fear. Fear that it would be harder than it was. Fear that I couldn't open up a can of worms....because I knew how that usually turned out. And also frustration. Why this hoop Lord? Why can't they just follow through for once? So my irritation had built long and high until it overflowed and I determined to find the answer. And I got it. And it cost me something, but it was small in comparison to how it felt the moment I walked out totally free. Last string. Letting go for me has been a long process. It's been terrifying and confusing at times but also I've learned a lot. I'm not the same girl I was before. No,not in the least. And today it became my own. My own responsibility. My promise. Thankful. 

The 4th in the 5th year

This is a big holiday for my family. Has been for almost a decade. We all began coming back together. My dad is the youngest of 10. We spent almost each summer weekend at the river house as the kids got older. And then the 4th was the big cookout. 2012 brought about horrific changes no one saw coming. My cousin was diagnosed only months before with a brain tumor. He passed away that March. The hole was gaping. And the death of my marriage came two short months before. Suddenly. Like a death. Never expecting what was about to happen. Literally, in a span of hours, my world would never be the same again.  And the pain of the 4th and how much it showed everything we had lost that year proved too much. I could hardly stand the questions, the looks the ....you are going to be just fine's.....it was the very first day I ran 4 miles. It was hot and 8 am that day. Probably not my best decision. But it made me believe I could do this. I could go forward. I could keep breathing. The next year was just as hideous as the previous. We were still desperately trying to find our way. And it was more than we could take for very long. 2014 was a year that God was bringing healing to my heart. New changes in my life. A new job. New direction. My girl graduated. And it was truly a year I was finding myself. And I was ok with me. This was MY family. And  they were my people. And I could be there on my own. They didn't require anything of me. They loved ME. Last 4th, I had just gotten devestating news again the day before, but I had also just taken the very first step into a new life. I just didn't know it yet. I had a date. The one I had waited for. The one I was unsure would ever come. But it did. He did. And I debated about going to the river for quite some time. But I packed it up and went. And it just let myself take in all that had transpired over so many years. All that had come and gone. All that was found and lost and found again. This year, the 5th year, my word how time goes....I'll take both my guys to the river with me. One has been going since he was a little. The other will be introduced to all my big loud crazy family. And they will love him. Because I love him. And I'm learning that this circle that is life keeps going. Thankful. 

On Day One

I am happy. I realized this fact today when I looked at my eyes in the mirror. I let go of all the "should do's" swirling round in my head this week and I ran. For my whole lunch hour. I just ran. And I felt like myself again. Today marks the turning point in my life I thought that may not come. A year ago on this date my world shifted. I just didn't know it yet. A year ago on this day, a Friday it was, my world completely changed. Everything I knew was changed and it brought me to my knees. Not again....this can't be. I can't go through this again. And I let myself cry, but it settled. And when the shock wore off I knew the only thing to do was keep moving. Keep on going forward with my day. And who knew....who knew. It would be the very same day that as one door closed and other one opened wide. It was the day that changed everything. As I opened my hands to let a big part of my heart go, I got another piece right back. And there are days when missing that beautiful piece that had to make her own way in this world and the ache of that hole is enough to take my breath away, but the new piece has grown and changed me in ways I never believed possible. It's hard to love. Especially when you've been hurt, let down, had your trust betrayed, and been left alone. But sometimes someone so amazing comes right along and fills that space so completely you begin to see that there is good. There is love. There is truth. There is forever. Thankful.