Monday, July 4, 2016

The 4th in the 5th year

This is a big holiday for my family. Has been for almost a decade. We all began coming back together. My dad is the youngest of 10. We spent almost each summer weekend at the river house as the kids got older. And then the 4th was the big cookout. 2012 brought about horrific changes no one saw coming. My cousin was diagnosed only months before with a brain tumor. He passed away that March. The hole was gaping. And the death of my marriage came two short months before. Suddenly. Like a death. Never expecting what was about to happen. Literally, in a span of hours, my world would never be the same again.  And the pain of the 4th and how much it showed everything we had lost that year proved too much. I could hardly stand the questions, the looks the are going to be just fine' was the very first day I ran 4 miles. It was hot and 8 am that day. Probably not my best decision. But it made me believe I could do this. I could go forward. I could keep breathing. The next year was just as hideous as the previous. We were still desperately trying to find our way. And it was more than we could take for very long. 2014 was a year that God was bringing healing to my heart. New changes in my life. A new job. New direction. My girl graduated. And it was truly a year I was finding myself. And I was ok with me. This was MY family. And  they were my people. And I could be there on my own. They didn't require anything of me. They loved ME. Last 4th, I had just gotten devestating news again the day before, but I had also just taken the very first step into a new life. I just didn't know it yet. I had a date. The one I had waited for. The one I was unsure would ever come. But it did. He did. And I debated about going to the river for quite some time. But I packed it up and went. And it just let myself take in all that had transpired over so many years. All that had come and gone. All that was found and lost and found again. This year, the 5th year, my word how time goes....I'll take both my guys to the river with me. One has been going since he was a little. The other will be introduced to all my big loud crazy family. And they will love him. Because I love him. And I'm learning that this circle that is life keeps going. Thankful. 

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