Sunday

It's been quite the while since I've written typed words and quite the while since I have run on the outside.  I decided this weekend I would do both.  I realized as I ran the roads I had become so accustom to, much has changed in the scenery.  And I remembered as I ran, how many days I had traveled those exact same roads, but the feelings....they are so very different.  A couple years back, a friend who had walked a similar road to me had come out of the other side and was in a different place.  She said "I can't run like I used to.  It frustrates me.  I'm not angry anymore". At the time I couldn't quite wrap my mind around her words.  But yesterday when they came to mind, I smiled.  I don't run like I used to anymore either.  Running literally saved me.  Mentally, spiritually, physically, it was my out.  It was how I could pour out my heart and emotions and lay prayer after prayer on those roads.  Miles and miles of tears and words and breathing and the ability to make it one more day.  God gave me that precious gift.  My manna.  It sustained me.  As I ran yesterday I didn't feel that push, that strain that need for air.  I ran slower and took more time.  I was taking things in more than letting them out.  Same for my words I suppose.  Their purpose also so very different.  I used to pour my heart out in my writing and blogging.  It saved me too.  God gave purpose to them and He taught me how to use them in ways that would build up and not tear down.  Suffice to say, that is always an area for improvement.  It's been over five years since the bottom fell out.  Since my life as I knew it was destroyed.  Since the very answer to my prayers was the complete destruction of what I knew.  I lost so much.  But I gained so much more.  There are the ones that I miss daily and that are a constant in my prayers.  But just like God promised me that March morning, literal weeks after the destruction came...Joel 2:25.  And He is reminding me lately so very much, look around baby girl....I know you see it...yes.  I do.  The literal way back restorations coming forward.  Perhaps no one else would even notice.  But I do.  The tiniest of things, restored.  All brand new.  And I can't help but be terrified and excited all at the same time.  I keep asking for a road map....He keeps shaking His head a bit I'm sure.  Because He know the plans He has for me...and that is all that really matters.  Thankful.