On the 5th Day

These days feel slowly methodical.  But they have made me stop, made me quiet.  I remember the summers of an actual break for so many years.  It's been five since that has been my life.  As my world changed, so did my need for working and providing in a different way for my children.  And I'm grateful for that.  But along the way, a more hectic pace set in and I began wrapping myself tighter and tighter.  Rest replaced with movement.  And I have just been plain tired.  This has made me stop again.  Letting my soul and my mind heal perhaps as much as my body.  Today feels like those summer of long away, yet without the heaviness.  Without the fear, the dread.  The lightness from all these burdens being taken, removed.  I realized this morning that yesterday was very different, and it was another year, on this holiday, that everything changed drastically.  What I knew just wasn't anymore.  And it felt so strange.  I felt uncomfortable almost in the new skin I had acquired.  That day, the celebration went from very big to very small.  And so it began, a new chapter, a new tradition that would span a decade.  Last year would be the last I would celebrate it in such a way, I just didn't know it then.  This year was new.  Small.  Quiet.  And I felt uneasy in my skin but also peaceful.  That familiar new beginning I didn't register until this morning.  Solid doors closed that decade ago.  Solid doors closed this year for me as well. I'm grateful for these walls that have literally held me for all of my adult life.  I have been here longer than anywhere else in my years.  This is home.  This is where I belong.  So many stops and starts.  Beginnings and ends.  Yet here I am still, where He placed me.  I am blessed.  I'm finding that in this crazy new little detour, He has actually called me to go first.  I'm not surprised by this.  I've been here before.   He made me the girl able to do hard things.  He gave me the tools, the ability, all those years ago.  Only He had to quiet me again to see, to listen, to stop and be prayerful and hear.  So much healing.  Thankful.

The 4th in the 5th Year

It feels like a Saturday morning to me, yet it's Tuesday.  Half a year gone already.  I can't quite wrap my head around the speed in which time seems to be passing these day.  It's been steaming hot as of late.  I will take all the sun and steam over the last few weeks of the endless days of rain.  It's been a week of being home.  Recovering from some life changing things.  And I feared it for a long time.  Held on way passed what was feasible because, well I do that.  I'm not an easily open hands kind of girl.  I am the one that runs to Him saying....but don't You remember what You said??  What You promised?  Yes.   And if I have learned anything on this treck of mine it is that He well knows all He dropped into my heart.  It's just that it doesn't always look the way I planned.  So I clench tight my fists.  Holding on to any semblance of control I can muster.  And He stands with me, waiting, whispering, until I finally let go. 

I woke this morning feeling good.  No pain.  Like I'm finally getting back to myself again.  And it struck me, this was the hardest day of the year for me before.  This was the time we celebrated, this was our family event that rivaled Christmas.  And it looks a million times different than it ever has before.  And it is good.  And I am grateful.  I have always feared change.  And Lord knows that sure hit me square five years ago.  And this structured girl learned to live outside the bounds of comfort.  It changed me.  He changed me.  And today, this year is no different.  My planner does not dictate His plan.  My earthly desire do not control His divine purpose.  In the end, I'm just a girl seeking Him over and over.  Everyday.  Some days way better than others.  Thankful.