Rest

Strange how trauma makes you speak louder.  As if somehow the volume can force back what you are hearing. Like it can change the inevitable reality from hitting you square in the face.  He called, which alarmed me.  Was there an accident? And then his words...WHAT? I yelled, and he said them again and I couldn't decide which way to go.  I'm coming...that's all I could manage, I'll be right there.  The strangest thoughts cross your mind, they do....I have on orange flip flops and my hair is a wreck.....I look homeless....and it was the longest drive.  I wanted to get there fast and not at all.  I needed to see but then I felt nauseous.  Maybe he's wrong.... The lady in the church van in front of me all.the.way.....she drove 20 miles and hour in the loaded passenger vehicle and all I could think was lady you have got to quit singing to Jesus and get out of my way...I was praying to Him too...help.  When I pulled up there was only my dry mouth and fear.  I saw him....all 6'4 of the brick wall he is.  My protector, my stability, my rock....and the tears.  How does 5'1 gather all of that into herself and comfort her one that needs her to be strong? It was true, his words that he spoke over that phone.  All my loudness didn't change what was.  And at that moment I felt as if I knew nothing.  At that moment I experienced a grief that I have never known before.  How do you comfort when you have no idea......

The days, the decisions, the unanswered questions....we just kept showing up, the only things we knew to do and God made a way.  When it seemed impossible, God provided.  These days I need to be reminded of that.  There is great transition in my life.  And I need the reminder daily that small is the answer for me. I do not have to have the answer, I just need to be present. He took me in to the quiet almost six years ago.  Everything stripped away and that is where I found myself....and Him in the most truest sense that there ever has been.  He showed me who I am...and Who He is.  And He calls me back there.  In these last weeks I have become utterly overwhelmed, to the point where exhaustion finally took a toll and I had to stop for a day.  There was no other choice.  As I sat in my quiet space with much needed tears streaming down my face, He whispered what is it that you know? And as I let the question settle deep inside my heart His answer was there.  I read the words that I had been so needing to hear.....Rest now. Then rise up....Yes. He brings me low to remind me and then lifts me up to be who He made me to be.  I tend to forget the rest.  I tend to loose myself and forget that I am not made for constant movement. Rest now....Then rise up.  Thankful.