When It Rains

To say that I have been a hot mess as of late is nothing short of an understatement.  There is a list I have seen in circulation that has the biggest stressors a person can face.  We have pretty much managed to nail most of them in about the last eight weeks.  There are times when things just become more than one can process.  And last week was surely that for me.  I found myself in tears yet again and asking God why??  What in the world is the purpose of this thing and that thing and all the other things that seem to slam into me with a force that has taken my breath away.  As I sort through the why's, He is there to remind me of the Who.  Why, when You answered so many prayers am I wading through these waters of uncertainty yet again?  Why, when I have every thing to be grateful for am I focusing on the littlest things I truly cannot control? Life is not neat and tidy.  Nothing in my world is right now and that brings the fear.  Fear of loosing my voice and myself again.  Fear that makes me shut down because some days there just isn't any fight left.  But I remember.  I remember all the days and all the quiet and all the hard and all the things I have walked through.  I'm still here.  All of that brought me to this place.  And just as that had purpose then, this has purpose now.  Only I'm not blind to the process.  And maybe that's the biggest fear of all.  I know how hard it is to walk this road.  But I also know the beauty along the path.  I know the places where I just need to sit and rest.  I know this forces me back to Him, where I don't takes steps blindly, but guided on the dark days when nothing seems to make sense.  There is good in this.  There is a plan He has.  It's ok to not  have every little answer.  Seek and you will find.  Knock and it will open.  Ask and you will receive.  Thankful.