31 Days - Day 6

Listened to the story of Elijah. He got tired and he got scared. And so he ran. What are you doing here? God asked him. Yes, what indeed. He's been asking me the same thing. Why are you running like all of a sudden you don't know Who. I. Am? What if I listen to what He says instead of this fear. Because if I'm honest, I'm afraid of what I'll hear. Because fear screams loud. And it's hard to listen to the whisper. But something happened when I stopped and turned. I learned something I can't unlearn, when I faced it head on. Now go back the way you came. Thankful. 

31 Days - Day 5

I still live fearful. I know it's something He is working out in me. Listening to church online this morning pierced such a sore spot in my heart. My older brother mentality.  When I complain that this seems to be such a long road and don't You even care what all I have been through Lord? Don't you see what I am walking? Is it ever going to be enough? Am I ever going to be enough. That's really the question. Because surely by now I would have gotten it right. And I forget about grace. I forget just how long I walked away. I forget all the benefits He lavishes on me. And I panick. And fear and frustration take hold. And I pout. And I forget that I am not doing this thing perfectly either. And in the depths of my own sin He still covers me. I'm still taken aback by a lesson learned this weekend. I'm still trying to let it settle in deep. When I threw it all off, and risked humiliation and correction, punishment and hard truth, I found grace and healing. Not excuses saying I was right, but understanding saying we all fall short. This isn't the best way, so remeber what you learned in this and let it shape your future choices. Yes. So why do I so easily fall back into the arms crossed position. Why do I think God will take any less care of my every need when He asks me to sacrifice something for another. What if today I just remeber that grace isn't in limited supply. It isn't in danger of running out. And it is poured in so it can be poured out. Water set unmoving will stagnate and become useless. Water continually flowing spreads wide and deep. But is also changes the vessel. That's what grace does. Changes me as it is given to another. Thankful. 

31 Days - Day 4

These days have been hard and long.  The last 31 as a matter of fact, perhaps, some of the hardest.  That is saying a lot if you know about the 973 that preceeded them.  I walked outside this morning to find the brightest sun and the coolest, hard breeze.  And I could breathe.  I've been running for a little bit.  Running from.  This fear that has been terrorizing me, I have pretended it wasn't there, ignored it, hid it, still....  My heart was so heavy this morning.  What if....I faced this and just got the answers I need.  Even if I am scared to death and I have no idea what to say really.....anything is better than one more day of this.  And so I did. Sometimes what we percieve will be, is worse than what truly is.  This is deep water in an unknown sea.  I'm scared of what will be, but even more so, I'm scared of not trusting God big and becoming everything He wants me to be.  Thankful.

31 Days - Day 3

What if....you are just honest about it all. Your feelings. Your wants. What if.....and so I was. So grateful for the opportunity. Such a window God opened. Answers to prayers seeping deep into cracks. What will come, I do not know. But I know the seed sown. And grain seed has never produced watermelons. You reap what it is you sow. Thankful. 

31 Days - Day 2

The weight of this day settled in hard. I could only trust. What if...... Just trust. And so deep sighed prayers, all my loves seem to be having such the struggle. The glue baby girl... Yes, He had said that to me hadn't He.....and so I just prayed help me help them. And He did. Little by little strides made, challenges met. Little by little right back round. Thankful. 

31 Days- Day 1

I can't tell you how much of a struggle this truly is right now. How overwhelming 31 days of writing seems to me. Oh the shaking. And then my 31 days words....what if. So today, I just began as simply as I could. What if today, I choose to be thankful. To slow down and listen when I know He wants to speak. To make the best choice the first time instead of facing another do-over.  Yes. Today. Thankful.

#31Days

Day 2
Day 3
Day 4

5 Minute Friday - Because

I've been writing, just don't hit publish so much.  Not for lack of anything other than rarely do I get to sit down at my computer these days.  And quite honestly, most days it's just a battle to get the words out and not feel weary of hearing them.

Become.....GO...

Because I have been lost, because I have failed, because I have been weak and unable to pray for myself. Because I have lied, cheated and stolen too. Because I have felt the fear the panic and the pain. Because I have tried to fill that void with lesser things. Because I have coveted. Because I have fallen short over and over and over again. Because I know what happens when I come to the end of myself and God takes over. Because I know what grace and forgiveness can do to a life. How it changes everything. Because it is what He asked of me. Because it is what He does for me daily. Thankful.
Stop.

#fmf