Thanksgiving

It's Thanksgiving. It's been a long journey  from what holidays once were for me. I come from big family celebrations. And these have been drastically different years. Hard to believe it's been five years to the day that the devastation began. But this year, things have changed. All the destruction and devestation. All the years of literal cringing at the holidays, wanting nothing more than to fast forward through weeks of reminders of the gaping hole left in our lives. We learned to pull together. We learned survival. And then we learned to live again. This year I woke to a beautiful cool sunny morning. Peace in my heart. He has begun the rebuilding. He is repairing all the things. Water slowly rises in the hole in the earth that has given me more grief over the last 4 years. All things new. New wine skins. New beginnings, new challenges, new direction, new love, new family. More than I can put into words. Many have been the stops and starts on this holiday as I look back over the last couple decades. And that has been stiring in my heart. There are things still undone. But I have great faith they will come back. Quiet beginnings. Don't despise the small. And so it begins again, yes. And that word that found me so many years ago. My beautiful reminder that came to stay. Thankful. 

Struggle

I'm letting the quiet settle in this morning. Heavens how my souls needs it. This week has felt like a battle ground and tears have been quite abundant. I'm not a stranger to hard things. And I spent a bit of time remembering. Looking back. Wondering. As I'm facing so much hard and unknown yet again, I see He has placed me purposefully. I'm surrounded by so much strength as I walk through so much transition. I'm not doing this alone. And there is peace in that. I'm reminded that growing is never easy. That it is hard and yes, it will involve struggle. I'm trying to see this all with new eyes. New perspective. I'm where I am for a purpose. He's given me all I need to succeeded. He is what I need. And I am finding more and more as I did way back then, the struggle pushes me to Him. Deeper into a knowing. Deeper into a dependence on the One who has the plan. And will I trust Him yet again with a way that seems so very wrong, but has in the past, turned out to be the very best thing? I think I will. And in my own heart that tiny bubble of hope rises again. And I remember that feeling in the midst of the storm. Thankful. 

Retelling

Change. It's brings anxiety for me. And perhaps much of that is understandable. It has been a long few years of constant change. It began on a Thursday afternoon and feels like it hasn't stopped since. It's like a roller coaster you can't get off. And I've lost a lot. But I have gained ten fold. And as much as I let the waves of worry sweep over me I was reminded yesterday. I went shopping. I was hesitant. But I needed some things. I saw someone I hadn't seen in a few years. Our children were the reason we knew each other. She was asking about things. And I found myself talking frankly about the last few years. Some things she had no idea. And the conversation ended with her saying she admired what I had come through and looked how it made me strong. Yes. I took note that as I spoke of the past, they were words telling of God's faithfulness. They were resonating right back into my own soul of how far He has brought me. And the thing that caught my attention was how those old wounds really have healed. To speak of all the things with no tears, no pain, just a sharing of what I walked, has never happened in that way. No anger. No upset. Just a recount of how things aren't always perfect. But that God's grace is. The words reminded me that even when I have no idea of the outcome, He uses all things. Because I am His child. On the good days and the hard days and the days I fall way short. I. Am. His. As I am facing such an unknown coming my way, this week I'll be reminded of my word. The one that found me so very long ago. And it will be my focus this week. Thankful. 

1,460

Days. 4 years. On a Tuesday. I slipped the past off and stared at an uncertain future. I did everything You asked.... And my answer came in the most certain whisper deep in my soul. Will you trust Me still, believe Me still even when things don't work out the way you expected? Even still? Yes. That was my answer. And I had no earthly idea what I was saying yes to. Perhaps I would have run the other way had I known. Yet today, looking out at the beautiful weather, sunk full of dishes, I am grateful. Grateful for those He has given me to love along this road. Grateful for the girl I became in spite of myself. This strength. No longer a shell of a soul. Full. Thankful. 

Cold

The cold is here. I wore my boots. I settled in. Winter. So much being pruned. I feel it. It's uncomfortableness wrap hard around me. But something I've learned over these last five years....don't turn from it. Let it settle. Bear up under it and let Him have His way. Days of quiet lately and I'm allowed the grace of caring for those He has given. And I'm thankful for that mercy. Thankful for the ones who share my days. Learning grace all over again with the sandpaper people. Yes. So much change. But I'm reminded of the beauty of the people He has given me to surround myself with. My right now. Precious loves that I am so humbled to care for. Ones He has trusted to me. Thankful. 

He Sees

Her words pierced me. And while I'm sure she didn't have any malice behind them, there was judgement. It's something I have been struggling with. And to hear someone say you are a Christian, so why? We tend so often to believe there are levels of sin, those God accepts and those that cause others to whisper behind our back. We accept gossip that God calls an abomination and choose to point out the bigger ways people are failing. I've been desperately guilty of it. And over the past few months greatly convicted of it. God has reminded me in my struggle that we all have struggles. We are all in need of His saving. And His grace. Our words are powerful swords. And our pride makes us believe that if we "follow all the rules" that somehow the little sins don't count. Jesus didn't come to make rules. When we obey His command to love one another those rules tend to fall into place anyways. Following the law without love being the catalyst becomes difficult. Like a checklist. But it leaves us empty. That was never meant to be the thing to fill us. Love God with all your heart. And love your neighbor as yourself. Sounds simple. It's the hardest thing I've ever encountered. But if I've learned anything over the last five years of my life it's that love never fails. Thankful. 

31 Days

This is the first year in a while I have not managed to do all of the 31 days of writing. Things are different. Life is different. And though the words build up, it's quite something else to put pen to paper, to express what's happening, all the changes, and what that means for me. I'm coming out of a year of hard change. A year of opening doors and a year of doors shutting. A year of rest in some ways and growth in others. Fighting those old things that haunt, letting go of the old and pressing into the new. As things bubbles to the surface one thing I knew is that I had to walk away from social media for a while. It was just not where I needed to be. I need to be here, in front of my life, living my life. Sharing it with the ones I have been blessed with. Giving my time and efforts to those things. So I'm not sure how this 31 days will actually look. I'm ok with that too. Fall is coming. I can feel it in the air. I can sense the change. It wakes me. It makes me look up. It sends anticipation throughout my brain. And I have not felt that in years. There is no heavy weight of worry. How will things go, how must I plan so that everything is just perfect. Just the desire to slow and take it all in. To let it settle deep into my heart. To accept that I'm still very much a work in progress. When stone is being sculpted, the big heavy major work is hard and loud and big. Chunks of structure pulled down and chopped off until that solid piece looked nothing like it had in the past. The raw form finally recognizable. And then it begins. The slow chipping. The agonizingly small methodical detail laid to make it what it was meant to be. What the Creator saw all along. His masterpiece. The work of His hands. This long process, I feel it in my heart. Years of the stripping and chipping away of all the things that bound the girl He wants me to be. Slow work. Necessary work. Thankful.