Easter

These last couple weeks have been shaky at best. Not one stone left unturned. Again. I'm not so frightened as I was before though. No. He exposes weak spots and I continue to walk through this. Because the truth is something is very different. I'm different. And the furnace has a way of strengthening things once the unnecessary is shaken off. Truth is, running 13.1 miles changed me. He waited until now, yes. The hardest leg of this crazy journey. He wanted to show me what happens when one tiny little girl says yes. When one whisper accepts and she finds her words. Her own voice. I was not excited about Easter. I haven't been really for the last couple years. Painful days of remembering. So I prayed about what to do. And He showed me. And I loved it. And so again this year, He brought opportunity my way. And I realized the verse.... Double for your trouble. Two fold blessings. I was down to just two, then He brought me two more. This year two more again. Six. Beautiful blessings to care for, yes He did. And so I remember what it's all about really. God is in the business of multiplication when we let Him have His way. One gave His life so that many could live. Thankful.

#faithjams

5 Minute Friday - Glue

Joining Lisa Jo and the girls for 5 Minute Friday...No edits, no reqrites and love those that came before...
Prompt: GLUE
Go....
Your the glue baby girl.... I don't want to be the glue, no, I don't. I have had enough of being the hold-it-all-together girl. Cause I stink at it. But here I am. And here is what I know about glue. It's sticky and messy and yielding and giving. It allows for movement and readjustment until all the pieces fit just right. And it takes it's place in the seams. Filling them in oh so tightly. Holding all it's lovely pieces together because that is what it is made for. And when it finally sets, it looses its own color. It is transparent. Allowing all it's pieces to shine. Because its glue. It's the bond. And it's purpose is important. It is the strength. The backbone. What I am called to in this beautiful fragmented family of mine. All the pieces. All. Nothing left behind. Thankful.
Stop.

Faith Jams - Bearing

Walk beside baby girl.....the words feel like nails on a chalkboard to my soul. Because if you know me, then you know, I. Hate. Walking. Because walking is slow and walking might mean you have to stop...and wait. And as I really stop and look at this week....and my attitude...I find that it's the bearing of this cross that is weighing on my shoulders. Because I am tired. It is so heavy....and it's not mine. And I think the latter exposes my heart most. I'm all out of want to. But that wasn't given as an option. And so as I remind myself how many walked beside me...and still do....bearing this load with me, encouraging me, and reminding me of all the truths I know, I remind myself of what He asked of me. And I remind myself why He asked me. This isn't about me. And my Jonah moments of the past two weeks are getting a bit wearing. But grace....Thankful.

Faith Jams

#shesharestruth

#shesharestruth

Joshua 1:8-9 (AMP)

8 This Book of the Law shall not depart out of your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, that you may observe and do according to all that is written in it. For then you shall make your way prosperous, and then you shall deal wisely and have good [a]success.

9 Have not I commanded you? Be strong, vigorous, and very courageous. Be not afraid, neither be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

This verse...it sits on my dresser mirror. It reminds me on the days that make me feel like running in the other direction. But I burned my ship.....turning around just isn't an option. He is giving Joshua a commandment to share with the Israelites. He told them what to do, and now He's telling them move. How scary is movement sometimes? Am I moving in the right direction...moving instead of being still....was I supposed to jump off that ledge???  And there are days I am dismayed. The definition reads to look around in horror. That is some pretty heavy fear. God says don't do that. Be strong. Be courageous....because He is always there. Always redirecting, instructing, hand holding telling us it's really ok, just jump. Thankful.

5 Minute Friday - Writer

Joining the girls over at 5 Minute Friday...no edits, no re-writes and love those that come before..

Prompt: Writer

GO..

I am a writer. Perhaps to tell my story to myself. To record my days for my children, for their children. Perhaps so the struggles won't seem so perplexing or overwhelming. So they will know they are not alone. Perhaps they will be stronger for it, push harder because of it, doubt themselves less in remembering it, and love more because of the story that is written. I write because sometimes it's the only way I know how to use my nice words.  Sometimes I loose my voice and can't speak what is in my heart, but I can always write it. Writing is breathing. I write while I run. When the walls come down and I have to push myself further the words pour out and keep me going. Further. Somedays I don't stop only because I want to see what He might do next. I look any every blank page in my journal, imagining what words will be placed there, day by day. I go to the end of it and write myself a note. And where I begin is rarely where I end up. No. I write to share myself because somedays it is all I have to give. Thankful.
Stop.

Burn The Ships

I love her words, I do.  Each time I come across them I think....you go girl..I can relate to that!  So when an email came about her new book and offered an excerpt, I was really excited.  So I clicked it and made 15 different attempts yesterday to read it.  Not happening.  This evening when I found 15 minutes of quiet, I gave it another go...God's timing really.  He's really quite good with that.

This week has been a struggle to put it mildly.  It has really felt like all out war.  And the more I realize how different things are and how much has changed, the battle seems to increase.  And so as I sat down, elated that it is almost Friday, I prayed a little prayer of thanks.  This place is never where I expected to be, but it's not bad.  Sometimes I do get sad, but this is nothing like it used to be.  And there is a gratefulness that fills my heart.

So my prayers all week, confusion and questions...complete with throwing in the towel a good 5 or 6 times...all have found me here, sitting in the kitchen, preparing to finish this reading.  Her words...her words. They just took my breath...

"I think an appreciation for brave people and brave moments has been in me forever.  To this day, my favorite Stephen Curtis Chapman song is "Burn The Ships" from way back in the mid-90's.  It's a song about Spaniards sailing for Mexico in 1519, and upon arrival and in the midst of many hardships they wished they could go back.  Instead they decided to burn their ships.  Stay there forever.  And figure out what life would hold.
Brave."
Annie Downs
Excerpt from her book Let's All Be Brave

Burn the ships.  Can't go back, only ahead.  No matter what.  Even on the sad days, I can't go back.  Even on the days that feel like this will never end, I must choose to keep walking forward.  Ahead is the only direction that leads home.  Just like the minute I began running my race, I knew the only way to get to the finish would be found on the road ahead of me.  I didn't look back.  Thankful.

Tiptoes

Brave....Risk.....not words that naturally roll off my tongue. Yet lately that is what I have been attempting. Some days, I can't see it. I feel like I'm standing still. But if I take a look at what the few months this year has held, I know it's there.

Parking and new places give me panic attack. Directions....not my greatest strength. But I am learning to put myself out there. Even if its scary. Because scary becomes less when we can stop and look it in the face. This quote first came to me 11 years ago when I was facing the hardest thing I had ever walked through in my life at that time. And it stuck. 

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do." Elanor Roosevelt

How very right these words are. So, lately I have ventured into some unknowns. I parked in paid parking, downtown on one way streets. I picked up my own race packet....for my first half marathon. I ran a race a couple months ago alone, while my friends all passed me because I needed to run at my own pace to get to the finish. I did it again for the half. Alone for a few of the miles, because this is my own race and sometimes, well, we have to move forward with just us and God. Driving my girl to college in another town where I am really not familiar with anything....venturing into the unknown....because here is what I am learning....you can always turn around. Mistakes are not the end of the world. Sometimes wrong turns and mistakes are actually the RIGHT turns. We just can't see it yet. Our view is limited. And so I'm taking my little steps one day at a time. But I'm finding that those little steps tend to give way to big steps. And before I know it, perhaps that finish line will be here.  It's been here all along really, but sometimes you gotta walk a little to find it and make a couple wrong unexpected turns. Thankful.