Monday, May 4, 2015
My emotions have run high lately. And I have to face a lot of things that are old wounds. Old habits. Old ways of thinking. I questioned God. Why? Why now? You pulled me through all these years for this? And my answer was clear, though not expected. It's would have destroyed you then. But not today. Not now. You can look at it, set it down and walk away, because of what you know. Well then, there is that now isn't there. I was pretty irritated as I woke yesterday morning. Little sleep, many questions and a yard full of mess. For the love. My dad showed up early to assist with the yard work and clean up. Before coffee. And some days that's just more than a girl can take. And about an hour in, my frustration about it all got the better of me. How am I here? This is truly pointless. After three and a half years, this?!? And the tears turned into sobs right there on the bathroom floor. And my meltdown came flooding in and I didn't want to stop it. So I didn't. I just cried. I just let it all spill out. And like all floods, it eventually ceased. Now what? You pick it up and get back at it. But that flood, those emotions, the honesty with myself, gave way to honest words that I needed to say. And the heavy physical labor right in the middle of it all, gave presence to what I was feeling on the inside. This is a big freakin' mess. And it gets put back right one branch at a time. And some are scratchier than others. Some cut and make you bleed. But all these things that have fallen to the ground are in a big'o pile. And they aren't hinderances anymore. No. They aren't. I cut the grass and looked up in the sky of solid translucent blue. An amazing day. Beautiful. And thankful trickled in and made it's way down deep. Train up a child the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.... And it struck me. We are His children. When I began this journey, I was still very immature in my walk with Him. I was a child. But in this, He has trained me up. I have grown. I have switched from the "milk" required for new and growing children to the "meat" required for strength and endurance. He trained me up, so that when I am old...maturing, more grown up in my faith, I may stumble, I may get sidetracked, but I won't depart from it. Yes. That was my answer on a clear blue Sunday. That was my answer when I said why again. Because you have been here before. And you're a big girl now, baby girl. Those things that held you just can't anymore. You get right back up. Thankful.