5 Minute Friday - Choose

Joining Lisa Jo and the girls for 5 Minute Friday.  No edits, no rewrites and love those that came before you.

Topic: CHOOSE
Go......

Choosing has been front and center in my life lately.  Go left or right, back or forward, stay or go, wait or leave.  Too much on my plate and it makes my heart very heavy tonight.  One thing I have chosen, because none of the rest of this is making a bit of sense....to believe.  Just believe.  I'm choosing to believe in big bold prayers, I am choosing to believe that He is in the midst of this.  I am choosing to find some shred of good, however small.  I am choosing His grace over my feelings of complete failure.  I am choosing to believe who He says I am because who I think I am right now just isn't nice.  I am choosing good over what I want. Choosing nice words over anger.  Choosing to let Him hold me while I pitch this fit.  Choosing to say over and over that He is good and faithful and just.  Choosing His heart over mine.  Thankful.

STOP.

Bread

I think about them each morning. These ones He has brought across our path and into our lives. I see how she listens to what they say, how they live their day to day. They think my lunch is weird....perhaps. It's the same lunch I have made for 10 years now. 10 years. And I am reminded that in our days of plenty I was not so easily swayed, so concerned, so curious. Heart changes occur and we don't even notice sometimes. As she would talk about them, their families, their ways, even when they made fun of her, she didn't care. She knew deep down I suppose that sometimes we scoff and poke and jeer at things we so desperately desire, especially when we see it in the hands of another. So what to do, what to do? Share. And so it began. My girl would share that which she had with those who didn't. And at first my concern was my child being hungry, but it turned into a concern for another's child being hungry. My girl shared because she knew....she knew....there is more. There is plenty. She had never known want. And so she knew she could be filled up quite easily. And so I whispered thanks that even on the not-so-great-start morning, I packed extra, because we have plenty. Because when you break bread, share the pieces of what you have to give, there is always leftovers. More than enough. Curious hands share cucumbers and carrots and apples and strawberries. Baby sandwiches because we all like surprises and changing it up and I get to pretend like I'm an awesome chef ;) well, I am a good lunch maker. And so I am inspired by the actions of my girl because they remind me of the words He says.....stretch out your tents.....  When I read the words of Isaiah I get weepy.....

Isaiah 49:18, 21 Raise your head, lift up your eyes,and watch your heart’s desire come—All your children, gathered and returning to you. As I live, so I promise.You will wear them with pride all like shining ornaments;you will put them on as a bride on her wedding day. You’ll say to yourself, “Where in the world did all these people come from?Could these really be mine?I thought I’d been desolated, left empty.Where have you all been? Where did you come from?” 

Beautiful promise, big bold prayers, breakfasts and lunches, notes on napkins, all showing His love for them, for me. God's words inspire me to do more, to reach out, to see beyond my own door.  These children inspire me because they are beautiful bundles of promise and such a privilege it is to sow into them how much they are loved by a God perhaps they haven't been introduced to yet. Thankful.

Joining Holley today at her site

BigBoldPrayers

Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God. (Philippians 4:6 AMP)

Today I want french fries, a frosty and a one way ticket on a completely different train.....sigh.....two of the three are an option. And that they are speaks volumes to my heart. 

Big bold prayers...her words challenged......

I wished I could unread it, but I can't. And now, NOW He quietly sits and says.....YOUR turn baby girl. 

No way, noooooo thank You very much!!!! I'm done remember? I said so!! He smiles. I hear it. Cause let's be honest. I don't get to run this show. 

What I am allowed to do is pray big bold prayers. Prayers that state my request...with thanksgiving, not reasons why it's fine if He doesn't feel like it. I have to humble myself, let go of my will and lay my heart on the line along with my requests......then trust. Let it drop. No ifs or buts. Big bold prayer, thank You Jesus, Amen. So. Be. It. And He will answer, because I'm His kid. So are you. And He knows what we want, what we need. Maybe He just wants to hear it. I know my kids need dinner. I know. But I ask them....what would you like? Because I want them to have good things. Things they desire. Sometimes I just want to hear it from them. Their hearts (or tummies) desire. And most often they get the very thing they are after and it's always something that will benefit them. Even if its a little broccoli with that side of pizza. Thankful. 

Journey

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. (Philippians 4:8 NLT)

5:00 am.  One eye opened and this was my verse today. Focus on the good. 

I'm up 45 minutes earlier today. Good. Make the coffee, preheat the oven for biscuits. Good. 

Quiet time, writing in my journal. Good. Heat the butter in the pan for eggs. Good. 

Making lunches. Good....but I need to print out the lunch menu for school so I can see what days they can buy. Printing. Good. 

What is that smell?!?.....butter burning!! Not good at all!!! 

Make the eggs for the biscuits after I wash the pan, my boy comes out and asks where are his uniform pants? Why would I have your pants? To let the hem out. 

You never gave them to me and I never got around to asking for them. No pants. To which I promptly came completely unglued. Not so good. 

Pants found hanging in my closet, cause that's how my boys mind works. He is brilliant, I can't forget to mention that. If she sees them she will remember....sigh....our brains are from different planets. I didn't see them. 

Proceed to finish breakfast making and consider ditching lunch making. Not gonna do it. Make lunches, pack breakfasts and drive them to the bus stop. Cause it's raining. Breathe. Good. 

On the bus.....two kids and two meals accounted for. I still feel frustrated at myself. Why can't I handle this better? 
I have a proctored test at 8 am. It's 6:40. I notice that the pool is pretty full. Need to dump some water. Even though its leaky, still the rain has been a blessing. Backwash just a little out. 

Jump in the shower and say some prayers. Focus on good baby girl. Dry off and remember....the water!!! Naked would be bad, so I grab a robe as I dash out the door. Thank You Lord for reminding me. Plenty of water left. 

Let the dog out. Beg him to use the bathroom. I tell him I will not be happy at all if I have a surprise when I get home. No sir. Have faith. 

I have not studied at all for this test. No. Just show up.
Just do your best. Good.
Out the door at 7:15. Thankful that my car issue yesterday was caught early and completely solvable. Protection Lord, thank You. 

No cavities in the teeth for all  three of us when we visited the dentist yesterday.  Thank You Lord for good health and good teeth that have not required braces. 

I am overwhelmed most days. I am one tiny little girl trying desperately to do this thing called life. This journey was not one I planned, yet here I am. And where I am is good. Not always easy, not always fun and someday's it's kind of lonely. But when I look at what He asks of me, what He is allowing me to do in this.....Good.
How would You ever trust me to do this Lord? Such a task. And I feel like I fail at it most days. Sometimes loving hard makes you look dumb and feel even more dumb. But I know I was made for this. Each time I get back up He says further still.....it changes me. It makes the days, the tasks seem do-able. I always said I didn't feel like a grown up. It felt pretend. I don't feel like that anymore. I feel the weight of my years, my choices. And it drives me to something more. Something lasting. Something that will make me look back one day and say, oh, I am so glad I did not quit. Thankful.

Linking Up with Faith Jam

It Just Takes One

I had begun to wonder....perhaps I have made the biggest mistake.....maybe this is NOT it! Nothing has been normal, so much is changing and I wonder.....maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe I just got it all wrong.  Maybe this dream was just, well, a dream...a fantasy that belongs on Disney Chanel but not in real life...not in mine.

And it's funny what happens when you throw your hands up in the air, confess that you REALLY cannot do this and yeah.......open up your hands and let go.  Funny how you remember a couple days later that conversation He had with you in the bathroom....(you KNOW He does that to me!!!!) two years ago...I had no idea then, and it isn't what I imagined, yet it is, just better.  And to give me a heart for it, I had to develop a heart for it.  That meant having faith, believing His Word when I lost it all, when my world crashed, when my reality changed, when part of my dream is to help save the very thing I lost.

He made me able.  Able to believe what He has spoken to me is true, believe what I have to say matters and can make a difference, believe that there are those out there who need to hear my story and believe that none of this has been wasted.  He made me believe I could be obedient, that I could succeed, that He would not fail me or let me down and that He still walks on water.  I only needed one thing to load my sling shot with.  Yes.  Thankful.

Linking up with the girls at God Sized Dreams

When You Want To Quit

Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Eternal, “plans for peace, not evil, to give you a future and hope—never forget that. At that time, you will call out for Me, and I will hear. You will pray, and I will listen. You will look for Me intently, and you will find Me. 

This was the very first verse God spoke to me. September 18, 1999. The first date I ever wrote in my Bible. It's how He brings me back to center. How I know it's Him. When He wants to get my attention. I threw my hands up in the air last night and said I quit. I skipped small group (again) and I ate chips and queso and watched Teen Mom 2 just to make sure He knew I was serious. Very serious. My girl crimped my hair, 80's style. Yes. I am through with this. And so I went to bed because my stomach kinda hurt and I was pretty much exhausted. I skipped my first alarm....and the sixth and the seventh..... Coffee in, kids out. Sit down. To the verse...to Begin Again..... To His plans for me. For the hope He has for my future. To believe that none of this is for my destruction, but for my good. To just show up. Even on the days I quit. Thankful. 

5 Minute Friday - Small

5 Minute Friday - No edits, no rewrites 5 Minutes

PROMPT - Small...GO..

Small. These days lately I feel very small. These days lately I have fussed about how desperately tired I am. How much I just want help. Just want a shoulder. Just want someone is this with me. Just.....

The rain came in torrents this morning. I had been fussing about dealing with the pool. Too much Lord. Too much. And this morning when I walked outside I smiled. I did. He cares about the small. Right here where I'm at He meets me. He will be my shoulder, my Rock, the One I can depend on. Even in the small, like filling the pool back to the right level until this leak gets resolved. He sees. He cares. He protects. He meets my every need. Thankful.

Stop.