5 Minute Friday - Welcome

Joining the girls at 5 Minute Friday.  5 Minutes, just write.

Welcome.....GO...

I laid there watching it unfold. A similar repeat of that New Years Day, only it wasn't. There was peace. I was not anxious. There was nothing hanging over my head threatening to over take me. No lies. No wondering. Just peace. Just solid foundation. The knowledge that what will come is being built on a new foundation. And for the first time in a long time, I welcomed this new year ahead of me. I welcomed God into the moment, into my space, into me. I welcomed His reminder that I should not fear.....because He is with me. And He never leaves. Never forsakes. Never goes back on a promise. And I can depend on Him without fear. And I welcomed that beautiful truth. I welcomed His plan. I welcomed the freedom to say no fear, not this time. Thankful.
Stop.

Old Wells

It. Is. Freezing. Seriously. I'm still bundled up in bed. And I'm not the least bit sad. This week has been exhausting. Getting back into our routines and I must confess, I still have decorations that need to go back where they came from. This week has found me exhausted on every level. Emotionally, physically, relationally, in parenting. I fed my kids fast food for dinner. Our other option would have been eggs and lettuce. They are gracious to me. And I am giving myself mercy. I have one beautiful day off in this week and it used to stress me. Today I am just appreciative to have some time to get my feet back under me. This brand new year has found me asking some hard questions. I've been whinning about being ready for new. I think moreover God wants me to see new things springing up from what He has already given. Forget the former things.....I am sensing it's really more about forgiveness.  Digging out from under all the things that have prevented His blessings from springing up. Right where I am. Where I have always been. Where He has held me. Yes. He is with me. Never leaves or forsakes. I can sow the seeds without worry of want. No fear, just no. Thankful. 

Faith In The Odd Year

Three years. Day in and day out, it has been with me. On good days and bad days and days when I didn't want to look at it. Days when I wondered if any part of it was even true. Do it anyways. It has been my comfort when I felt I had not one thing else, it has never lied to me or told me things I wanted to hear out of flattery. I have had the outside cover since I was 11 years old. It has my maiden name stamped in faded barely readable letters. The inside pages have been with me since March 20, 1995. Almost 20 years. I depend on it. I need it everyday. It is my hope on the days I want to quit. It's my reminder that His Word will remain, that time cannot change what is the Truth. Three years now, it has become my constant companion. On nights I can't sleep I lay my hand on it. On days that seem unending I find relief in it. In times where I wonder if I have strayed too far again, I find my anchor. My road home. When I wonder if I am ever gonna make it, if this is all just too much....I find my answers. No, fear. No. Thankful. 

Que Sera Sera

Been some late nights around here which make for late mornings. Doing my run at almost noon....6 hours later than normal. But it's habit. It's what I do. It's me. So much has changed about me in three years. This string of days, these dates, they were life changing for me. And as much as everyday God tells me it's time to forget, I think remebering comes first. I think you have to be in a place of healing to remeber and then forgive....so you can forget. Not necessarily the actions, they shaped who I am, where I am, what God is making me to be. But forget about having to have all the answers, how this is gonna play out, what the ending will be.....who will win. That's been the thorn in my side. And walking up the long drive this morning, I heard myself saying how Lord how? And just as quickly I said...never mind. That's Your business. No, fear. No. And peace. Forget about all that....remember Who He is.....and who you are baby girl. I read 2 Samuel 7:27-29. Yes. That is my prayer. You build it. Thankful. 

How Many Coats?

The panic began to rise. Who decided this was a good idea?!? What was I even thinking?? I'm horrible at this and it is going to look worse than before.  Why couldn't I have left well enough alone?  Me and a can of paint.....against the big empty wall. Did I mention I am the worst painter?  I got a solid coat on and shook my head. Maybe it was the fumes. So I went to begin my clean up. And I kept trying to come up with ideas that would salvage my poor bathroom. Poor, poor bathroom. And I kept saying over and over...be patient. Let it settle. Let it dry. And go from there. It became quite obvious I would not be finishing this quick little project over the weekend. Quick being comical at this point. I talked to my dad. Just let it dry. Fill in the imperfections and sand them. Then paint another coat of primer.   Yes. The primer brought out all the rough spots I missed. But it also brough unity and consistency. I can't stop looking at it. It'sbeautiful. Even with the blemishes. So much better than before. So much better than pretending like the horrific wallpaper was just fine. So much better than pretending like the way things have been were the way they needed to be. Peeling it all back layer by layer. Letting the light reveal the rough spots. Laying them smooth. No, fear. Just no. Thankful. 

<3

Along with the do not fears and the forget the olds, He threw in the one thing that was the first thing He said to me. Before it ever went south. Before I ever had an inkling of what really was to be. 1 Corinthians 13. And that verse became the structure, the outline, the skeleton, if you will, of what He wanted from me....for me. It's the reminder He sends on the days when I doubt I can even take another breath. Love never fails. It doesn't. It's why He came. It's how He overcame. It's how I will do this thing He has asked. It's how I have come this far and how I will continue. His love through me....Will. Not. Fail. It hasn't looked one thing like I thought it should. It has been unyielding, hard and sometimes unkind. Bloody, dirt under your nails and mud on your face from the falls that humble, but allow you a perspective and a platform you never dreamed. It has taken more than I believed I had to give. Over and over again. It has ripped my heart out and made me think that this was the stupidest thing He has ever asked of someone. Yet it changed me. You see when love is offered it changes the giver and the receiver. Neither may know or even see it, but it does. It's there. It plants seeds and believes that the good will come. Yes. Because it doesn't fail. He doesn't fail. With love, you have it all. You won the lottery. You got the prize. Love. Thankful. 

Decade

It's a Day 1. I'm three years out from my last Day 1. The one that shook me and stripped me bare. The one where my life began again. Because I had prayed to The One. Help me.... I said. And so He did. He destroyed all that was destroying me. And part of me went with it. So it is really a double Day One. That year day one of a new year that brought about the death of all I knew. And that first Thursday when my world changed. The day I also picked my journal back up. The day my words came, like drops out of a faucet that preceded the torent that will be. Yes. This day, this date, this decade for me. Again and again. Forget the old, the new has come. And yes, I am perceiving it. I am. I awoke to do the same thing I have done for three years now. Three. It took this long to let it settle in. Before, I would go for weeks, months, without my words. And now, no matter what, they are here. It began with pen and paper. Then He brought me to this place to meet amazing people. To share my words, my voice and to find help on this path. Today I have both. My pen and paper, this space to share with others and the knowledge that this is who I am. And that I can see the change in me. That this was not wasted. Today is the beginning of something amazing. I know it. Thankful.