So I knew this morning, I was at the greatest of impasses....He's holding me here, asking me to listen...now who saw that one coming?? And I have been fighting this stillness with all that is in me. But He set it up. So I cancelled plans, cried on my way to Target, blew my nose on the way to WalMart, let the tears stream down behind my dark sunglasses. "I quit" I told Him. "I can't do this and You are just being mean." I didn't say this was gonna be pretty......
So today in my quiet He has walked with me, showed me things from others who came before, and as I sit here, knowing it's my only option, He speaks to me....about lingering, about finding out who I really am called to be in this, and so here I am.
And this is where jealousy and discontentment rear their ugly heads...and this is where I battle my self pity and pride. This is where that girl I see in my mind ready to do battle goes toe to toe with the very enemy of her soul. And even though I know how this war ends....it doesnt' mean I am not wounded in the battles I face. And these cuts go deep into the core of who I think I am and what I think I need. And I have to look at this and then hand myself over to the only One who knows the remedy.
In the face of all that I am feeling today, I know I am blessed. I know I am set apart. I know that there is purpose. Sometimes the extent of a wound is not revealed until everything is cut away, revealing the depth, the extent and the true nature of what will bring the healing. And sometimes that healing does not come without more pain. The old, dead, toxic tissue needs to be cut away, making the wounds greater than before. But in that, the healing can come. New healthy life grows in the place that was cut away and the place that was wounded becomes stronger than before.
This is where I say can you just knock me out and wake me when we are done.....instead He lays me at the foot of that cross where those two pieces of wood held not only His broken body, but also the weight of my sin and says "grab hold Baby Girl".....this is hard. This is ugly. This is painful. And sometimes this is what it takes, facing our own frailty and the impossibility of it all, to find Him...His strength, His grace, His mercy....for His glory.