Path

I remember it well.  It had only been days, but the panic woke me and I could hardly breathe.  How would I do this?  What was going to happen to me and the kids?  I had no idea how this would work out....no idea.  And the fear I felt was more than I thought one body could take.  I believed at any moment my heart might literally explode.  And I tried to breathe.  Tried to sleep.  Nothing.  I decided that full time work was going to be a must.  Part time wasn't going to pay the bills.  And so I began.

Each time an opening would come, I would apply.  It was something that I knew I could do and I knew I would like.  Each application brought a no thank you email.  And so I continued.  Apply, no thank you.  Apply, no, no thank you.  Apply....and I was waiting for the email asking me not to apply anymore.  Opportunity came for two part time jobs.  Little did I know the flexibility I would need when this school year arrived.  Little did I know all the things this job that kept me hidden would teach me.  I didn't know how I would make it yet again when my preschool job wasn't there anymore.  Just me and full time and learning how to live on less again.  Yet, He made a way.  Seven long months of just day in and day out.  One missed phone call realized late on a Friday night.  I got an interview.  One panicked phone call and message left to say yes, yes, yes, I did want to interview.  Another Monday morning call to confirm.  The day arrived and I had no expectations, because I never expected I was actually going to get a chance anyways.  But here I was, yes, here I was.  And walking back through double doors she told me that the panel, all six of them, would be conducting the interview.  Oh my...not what I expected.  So I did my best and used my words and said a prayer and thought, well, I never thought I would even get that chance, so, it is what it is.  Then nothing.  Nothing.  Days passed, no word, then suddenly.....they wanted to tentatively offer me the job, did I want to continue on in the process?  Funny thing when you say yes and you have no idea what you are really saying yes to.....but no was never an option.

Diploma and card verifications and oh.....fill this out for your polygraph....ahem....huh?  This is also when you smile politely and say thank you all the while you are thinking what in the world am I doing?!?!?!  Then they call to schedule and you miss said call....twice...and finally they call your cell and you are set to go the very next day....and block off three hours...WHAT ????  If you know me just the word test insights panic...with especially horrid memories of earth science and extra credit....but there is only one way through. When the last T was crossed and I was dotted, yeah....nothing to do but wait.  And I heard nothing.  For 3 weeks...then out of the blue....reference checks began to happen.  Then nothing.  NOTHING.  Oh my lanta. And then out of the blue on a Tuesday at 4:30 my boy calls to say that I got a call saying my paperwork was all done.....when might you be able to start?  Yeah.  That just happened.

And the girl that laid in her bed two and half years ago wondering how and when and what.....yeah, she made it just fine.  And all that time and all those tears and all that random starting and stopping made her able to walk through a new door that allowed her to do something amazing.  Something she dreamed of yet never really quite believed would come true.  But He's in that business, He is.  I needed that reminder.  It's been a long beautiful week and my brain is sore from learning so much new, but I am able.  Yes I am.  Thankful.

Graduate

So many gathered on the day my girl was born. So many. My room was never empty for four whole days. And it seemed crazy that I was given this tiny human being that was dependant on me to keep her alive and thriving. What did I know about being a mom anyways? I sat in the same room I am sitting in now, looking out the window thinking "really God, I know I wanted this child, but why did You actually give her to ME? I can't do this!!" And 17 years later I am amazed that I did indeed do this. I managed to feed, care for and educate this amazing young woman that is my girl :) and Tuesday night was a celebration of all the years of her hard work. It took so many people to get my girl to this place. So many that lover her too were there to watch her be born into the next chapter of her life. She would not be the person she is without all of them and all of the experiences her 17 years have seen. She has seen trials and rough roads, pockets of beautiful and God's grace. And I am reminded that I have never seen my children forsaken. I have never seen my children in want. I have seen the favor of The Lord upon them time and time again. It does not mean that their lives have been free from hardships, quite the opposite, but God has never left or forsaken any of us. And that is the greatest gift and my most desperate prayer. That they continue to walk in His ways all their lives. Thankful. 

Upside Down

I have 5 blog posts written....waiting to be finished and linked and published. I've written most of them on my phone because that's just how it's been lately. Little time for sitting. These past few days have been early mornings and late nights, restaurant dinners and things that we just aren't accustomed too. Even my words don't cooperate. I stare at the page of my journal and write the date. And then nothing. Yet it seems the drive to work or counting coins in the cash box remind me. These days are anything but routine. These are the days of wild and dreams and amazement. And then the words come.

She came in sleepy eyed and laid her head on my knee. She saw me staring at the pages trying to comprehend. She asked if I was sad face. I smiled.  She knows this battle and she knows how these things can wound. And we don't hide words and feelings and frustrations anymore, no. I told her I really wasn't. That I very much enjoyed last night. You have to crawl before you walk. Walk before you run. And then sometimes go back and walk again. Walk beside baby girl..... Yes. And the answer comes as I sit at the stop light. I'm just not sad. Not sad at all. I am truly grateful for this chance to just love. I'm not bound by any rule other than love the way that you have been loved. And for that I realize that the freedom I have always sought is right here. Thankful. 

Holy

I have wonder why the word joy? Why that...why this year? So much happening, changes in my children, my girl graduating my boy moving on up he ladder himself. Changes at home and those responsibilities and also a huge shift in careers. I got a new job. An amazing opportunity. One I have sought after for two and a half years. So many things....good things...coming to pass. And yet for the most part I have felt less than able to handle all this. I shake my head and think to myself what's the problem? I handled major changes and downright trauma for a really long time and somehow this feels harder. Reading through one of my studies this morning it settled into my heart as I said it over and over. 

Nehemiah 8:10 Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” 

These days are holy days. These are the days of remebering so much good that has come into our lives. Some of that would have never been without the painful days. So I am reminded to share what we have so graciously been given. Our home, our food, our friendship, our love, our prayers. And we are able to do so because the joy of The Lord is where we find our strength. That word, my word, is where I will find what I need to do whatever each day calls me too. Strength is found in the ability to praise, His joy is my strength. Thankful 

5 Minute Friday - Grateful

Joining Lisa Jo and the girls... no edits, no re-writes and love those that came before.

GRATEFUL...Go...

Sitting at the table looking out the window, I feel it. We are still using snowman plates....in May. Somehow the end of this school year seems less complicated, but perhaps its me who is less complicated instead. Grateful even when I may not be happy about it all. Two healthy children, my home, over cast morning that makes running a little easier. Grateful for the branches of the trees that wave at me. Because this is where He has placed me. No accident. No coincidence. I am grateful for a God Who sees beyond my fears and doubts and has faith in His girl even when I loose my way. Yes, a grateful heart finds me content. Even if it's just for a moment. Even if it's for things yet unseen. Thankful.
Stop.

More Than A Day

She texted me to say she had gotten me something..she was so excited.  She's a big girl now, with a big girl car and her own bank account.  I'm still adjusting to this all.  She's a planner, like me.  She always circles around and includes him in whatever she happens to come up with.  It's always been that way.  When she was little she would call for him...where are you? I would look him square in the eye and tell him he better run, her tone said he was about to be named accomplice to whatever she just did.  He rarely listened.  They did everything together.  Still do, as much as two teens can with school and life.  She takes him with her for comfort, for security, for courage.  My two that have functioned like twins even though 15 months separated their births.

There were hard days when they were small.  Diapers for 5 years, bottles and nursing and cloth diapers, no sleep, little sleep, sick days, pool days, potty training, preschool, homeschool, big school.....

They have seen me at my best and also at my very worst.  How do you explain that it's never just a day...it's all the days tied together.  How do you tell them that they have been your salvation more than you care to think about?  That God knew it would be them that would make this journey of mine even possible.  That being their mother would be the one and only thing that kept me breathing some days.  That they have been my only reason to crawl out of bed and even attempt what He was asking me to do.  That doesn't fit nicely on a greeting card.  

Mother's Day is the day when you sit in Wendy's with your best friend, tears over taking your salad and ask how are these possibly my children?  These amazing beautiful people I see each morning? How did all my junk and all these years manage to somehow produce these two?  They are my heroes every day.  They have been told they can do great things....and then they do them.  They have done more things afraid than I will ever hope to.  They have loved and forgiven and grown on the inside more in their teens years than what has taken me 40 to accomplish.  They are every dream I have ever had wrapped up into flesh and blood. How do you hope to sum all that up in a day?  It's impossible.  It doesn't define the other 364 days that follow one morning of forced remembrance.  Mother's Day is the day that I prefer they spend with others. Because I have been their mother every second since conception.  That has never and will never change.  

Today I think of those waiting to become a mother, ones who are a mother even though their little ones are not here to hold, all the ones who have come along side and helped me mother these two I have.  And I pray for the ones who will come and make them parents someday.  Thankful.

Flow

I have been looking at this with much less than eyes of grace. Tears and frustration and questions can do that to a girl. Why now? Why again? Why still?

And as I woke this morning with heavy heart and frustrations that seemed to be knocking again, my little slip of prayer requested only this today....give thanks....my word on a necklace sent to me as a reminder...thankful...my verse today as I slowly moved forward with my day before the coffee had time to kick in...

Philippians 4:6 

Don’t be anxious about things; instead, pray. Pray about everything. He longs to hear your requests, so talk to God about your needs and be thankful for what has come. 

Talk to Him about my needs and be thankful.....there it is again. He hears me, He does. But He wants me to just be thankful for crying out loud. Thankful for everything that has come and will come. Thankful for today because it has purpose. And I can't do what I need to with a grumbly heart. I proved that over the past two weeks. When I clench my fists tight and grit my teeth nothing can get in, but nothing can get out either. And for me that's just spiritual death and stagnation. When the dam in my heart grows higher and higher the pressure of it all builds and overtakes my very soul. It's learning to live with open hands.  It's learning that things can be gone in an instant, but what we put into those who cross our paths, those are the things of eternity.  Thankful.

Lift Your Eyes

My redemption came the moment I fell. And that moment came, when, for the briefest window of time, He let go of my hand and allowed the weight of my burden and chains to fall squarely on my shoulders....and I collapsed under the weight of something I could not bear. The letting go forced me to fall. But that fall allowed those bindings to snap, to let loose those chains that held me ever so tight. And before I could take my next breath, He held me. It was in the breaking that freedom truly came. In death, that life could finally begin. In losing it all, that I could find what I was truly meant to have. 

********

This was the deepest, darkest, hardest day of my life. Period. And it was just the beginning of a journey. And today maybe you feel like that too. Let me just encourage you to take that breath, whisper that prayer, take that step, whatever it is. You will fall, you will fail, you will get hurt, you will give all you have and be told that isn't nearly enough....but you will make it, yes. He will not leave you to fight this on your own. And they say "simply trust and obey" yet I know that there is nothing simple when we say YES to our God. No, nothing simple indeed. But I can promise you, yes I can, when you lift your eyes off that floor, that yes to God will be worth it. Just. Don't. Quit. Thankful.

Joining the girsl over at Holley's for 

Promise

A promise is a promise......and I did.  So did He.  And keeping promises is hard.  But His helps me keep mine.  Still.  Even when I just want to quit.  I believe that He wrote Hebrews 13:5 just for me :) Well....it's true.  And that verse in the Amplified.....it just grabs my heart..

Hebrews 13:5 (AMP)

5 Let your [a]character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] because this is a doozey for me!! I have for most of my adult life put my faith and security in things....how much money was in the bank, if I just had more I would be ok, able to handle things by myself....yeah right.  This was a hard things for me to overcome and truth is, I still battle it.  I still struggle with believing that God WILL meet my needs.  Every time.  It's not because He hasn't proved to me time and time again, no.  It's just that sometimes I have a hard time believing that He's gonna keep His promises.  Because I have been let down a lot.  Yet, our God is faithful.

and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; Is anyone else feeling convicted?  Maybe it's just me.  The impatient and temperamental daughter :)  Cause' I'm not always really happy or satisfied with where I am and what I have.  Yet He reminds me.  Each circumstance He bring me to has purpose.  And learning to be satisfied in the lean days and in the prosperous days teach me one thing. No matter what, my eyes need to be on Him.

for He [God] [b]Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor [c]give you up nor leave you without support. If He said it, then it is.  But oh my, HOW HARD IS THAT TO GRASP SOME DAYS?!?! And I think that it boils down to our limited vision and expectations.  There are times when I feel like He has totally failed me, but the reality is, sometimes what we feel like are our greatest failures and really His way of getting us to where we need to be.  He never fails. Never leaves. And lets be honest, when is the last time I have truly done without?  Yeah....

[I will] not, [d][I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor [e]let [you] down ([f]relax My hold on you)! [[g]Assuredly not!]  See right here??  He has to repeat Himself like 3 times!!  Why?  Because I am that STUBBORN girl..who tends to ask but didn't you see my mistake?? I will not leave.....But didn't You hear my words?? I will not forsake you..... But don't you see this mess???? I will not let you down.....But isn't this HOPELESS??!?!?! Assuredly not.... Thankful.

#faithjam

5 Minute Friday - Mess

Joining Lisa J and the girls for 5 Minute Friday.  No edits, no rewrites and love those that came before...
Word: MESS
GO....

Mess....I have felt like that is what my life had turned into...one big mess.  How would I ever get past this? How would anything ever be okay again?  How would I keep putting one foot in front of the other.  And that was where I started from.  Everything ripped up and torn apart, one big fat pile of mess.  Yesterday as I looked around in the yard I feared would overtake me and my sanity, I was amazed.  All the brush and mountains of dirt and trees and waste that sat for TWO YEARS....gone.  In one week.  Gone.  Beautiful flat, clear solid ground set in its place.  Never dreamed it would look like this.  My girl bounced out the door....off on her big girl adventure.....in her car..that she recieved as a graduation gift.  Better than we ever dreamed or imagined....there it is.  And she prepares to go to college and do brave new things and my boy, he's growing and changing too and as I work in this space that sometimes causes me headache, I am reminded, when He's in it, even if it seems like the most impossible of messes......what we end up with is never what we thought we would.  It's way better.  Thankful.
Stop.

Air

It's been a two week span that has felt like months.  I lost track of days at one point.  So much I did not expect while again, going all the way back to look at things I would have just assumed stayed tucked away forever.  But it seems spring cleaning around these parts isn't limited to houses and yards, no.  God has a way of opening up rooms long since forgotten, undisturbed by visitors.  These places hold their ugly though and even if we don't think so, it still seeps in through the cracks and vents and thin layers of it are ever present.  In moving forward, I had to look back at things that I wish never were, yet they are a part of my story and who I am today.  And coming face to face with these left me looking around wondering what to do.  I could completely escape it all and run the other way.   Forget all the pain it caused and put a lock on those doors.  The last couple of weeks left me frozen in all kinds of fear.  And the biggest lesson I learned from it all is this....Sometimes standing still IS the right thing.

In the past I would have just turned around and run.  Forget it.  TOO HARD.  This time I didn't run at all.  I couldn't move, but I didn't try and escape it.  The longer I stood and faced my fears, the stronger I became and the less fear I felt.  And that's progress.  That's growing.  That is change.  I did a whole lot of standing, very much afraid.  And it stole my words, and made me question who I am and what God even asked of me.  It made me loose sleep and cry tears that I thought I would never get over, but this thing that felt like it would destroy me didn't this time.

Literally three months ago, it's like the flood gates opened.  All these things were good, things we worked hard for and prayed for and then waited for.  And when they came, they came.  No warning, no preparation, it's time.  All good things, some I have been waiting for for two years.  And I was getting what I wanted....but oh.my.lanta....Here's what I learned....

Sowing the seeds and waiting IS just the beginning.  Because when God opens up the door and begins to bring things to pass it happens way faster than you ever dreamed and IT IS HARD WORK PEOPLE!!!! Sowing that little seed, yes, work.  But harvesting that big' ole plant....girl you better have been developing some spiritual muscle while you waited!  It's why we shouldn't waste the wait :)  Who knew.

I finally, finally got to run yesterday morning.  Such a beautiful day.  And as I moved and did what He made me to do, they came, my words, they came.  It's okay to be afraid.  We all are.  But don't let it keep you there. When the time is right you have to move, afraid or not, ready or not, with your little grain of mustard faith. Thankful.