Thursday, March 19, 2015


It's the day. Like a decade. I never dreamed 10 years ago that this would be my world. My truth. Yet it is so. And I'm sitting here on the rusty stairs. Ones that have been in my life for the better part of my life. Where my people are. These steps have seen my best days, my worst fears, snot-filled sobs and long days of waiting all strung out in rows..... Yeah. 

Yesterday was one of those days you just want to get through....and then get in bed and let's be done with this. As my afternoon went on, more hard I wasn't expecting and then conversations with my girl. So much swirling in my head. I wanted quiet. I crawled into bed numb from everything. I just wanted to sleep. 

There is no feeling like being called in the middle of the night by your child. I think I hung up on her the first time dreaming it was my alarm. A tick she said. It bit me and the head is stuck in my leg....oh for the love....what does that mean?? Are you bleeding profusely? What does it look like? And my motherly advice to slap a bandaid on it and come home from school right away in the morning fell on less than happy ears. And so I tossed and turned with mommy guilt. Sigh. 

This morning found me too consumed with other things to think deeply about today. What it means. Where it all leads.....the promises I made and tried to keep. The things I have tried to hold together without success. And open hands seem to be the answer. I can't hold it all. I can't do this.

 I dropped off the vehicle for service and waited on my girl and her injury to arrive here, where the rusty stairs are. Where foundation is. She came in, I gasped in horror and we headed out the door. 45 minutes, a shot and one less tick head in the world....and as she laid there bracing for all this I was consumed by going to her, covering her. Knowing that she needed the work being done, but wanting her to know I wouldn't let anything past that happen. No pain that wasn't beneficial. And the picture of it stuck me as she lay still and let the doctor make her well. Not fun. Not planned. Necessary. And perhaps that's what these days are, all strung in a row. The fear that has made me sick to my stomach because I cannot do this one more day, hold this one more second. No slapping a band aid on it. So I'm laying still and letting this be what it is. I'm covered. Not one second, one more thing than necessary, He is watchful. Thankful. 

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