#SheReadsTruth - Jonah

Jonah 3 & 4 has been the study this week.
Jonah.
God gave him a task.  And once he did what was asked, what was required, he went up on a hillside to watch what would happen.  He watched the salvation of the Lord.  And he got ticked.  They don't deserve this!!! And he was so angry that these horrible acting people might be spared.  Even in the midst of his fit, God provided for him, a vine to shelter his head from the elements.  And when the shelter failed him, he got so angry he wanted to die!! How often have I done what God required only to sit back and ask why would God decide to bless?  No fair!!! Jonah had forgotten his own rebellion and God's grace and what He had delivered him from.  God asked him what right he had to be upset about something that was really none of his concern or in his control.  What right do I have to place myself over God's choice of mercy and blessing? Even when it seems undeserved....especially when it seem undeserved.  Because if we take an honest look, there is not one standing that can say we have earned His grace...His mercy.  May we always be quick to give away that which has been so generously given to us, when we seemed to deserved it the least. Thankful.

13.1

There have been things along this journey that have changed me greatly.  God has always used the physical to parallel what He is trying to show me on this road I am on.  Because these things in the physical still seem miraculous to me.  They show me tangible proof that God can do anything.

October 14, 2009 found me in probably the worst shape I had ever been in.  I was at my heaviest weight and I knew that something had to change.  And so I began.  Slow changes.  Just putting one foot in front of the other.  Something changed in me that day.  I was determined to get back to where I needed to be. This journey was not what I expected, yet it has been everything I needed.  And as I grew strong and saw unimaginable changes in my body and my strength and all the things I never believed I could do, they gave me the ability to withstand and face the tearing down and restoration of my spiritual life as well.  In March 2012, I was in the middle of an unexpected separation, my whole world shaken, and I agreed to run a 5K with a friend who had never done it before.  So we ran it.  That weekend proved to be one of the hardest of my life.  But I ran.  I didn't let it stop me.

It wasn't lost on me that two years, later, the same day and the same activities going on found me again running a race.  But a half marathon.  My first.  And it speaks to how far I have come in these past two years.  I had no idea what to expect.  13.1 miles is farther than any distance I have ever run.  The beginning found me with friends, getting my breath, finding my pace and wanting to quit.  Everything telling me no way...you can't hope to do this.  But I knew I had no choice.  Mile 5 found me at the first turn around.  I was alone and I thought awesome...We are headed back in the right direction....all down hill.  Then the sun and the heat began to beat down with no shade in sight.  The race had gotten pushed back until 9 am.  Super late to run for this girl. By mile 7, I hit a wall.  I thought I just could not take one more step.  I made it to the water station and walked the table.  Got some water and caught my breath.  Keep going.  Finally I saw people again and more signs of the where I was going...surely it was almost finished....nope.  Mile 10.  At this point I was in the unknown.  This was as far as I have ever ventured in the physical.  I had no idea how things would go.  The heat, I was nauseous and then seriously.....hills.  NOW?!??!  Hills?? I kept going. I saw people coming back the other way and a glimpse to the left of the finish line....YES!!!  Not much longer....Oh. My. Lanta...so much longer...My emotions got the better of me...I started getting panicked. Surely the turn around was right here! Did I miss it? Am I going the wrong way?? No, indeed.  I was on the right path.  Mile 11 and I couldn't feel my legs anymore.  Which is a strange sensation.  How do you keep going?  I just began telling myself to move..do not stop.  And then we ran behind warehouses and closed off places that seemed abandoned and I thought really?!?!  Here? and my body started to shut down.  And my only option was to walk.  And as I was getting my breathing back under control, God reminded me, He has been telling me for two weeks now....walk.  Because part of this journey I did run.  I had to, it was required. But right here, right now, in order to make it to the finish...I had to walk.  And as the tears threatened to come, I saw a sight that made me literally laugh.  It brought back the most beautiful of memories.  And it gave me strength to keep moving.....

March 2010 found me running my first ever race. It was a 5K  I had no idea what I was doing, but I wanted to do it.  It was out of my comfort zone.  My husband didn't want me to do it alone.  So we ran together. About 1/15 of a mile in, I had to walk :) I told him "go ahead of me" he said "no way".  He stayed right with me.  Jogging in place, waiting for me, running in a circle around me saying "Come on baby you got this! You can do this!  You are not quitting!!!" And we got close to the finish and he said "give me your hand, we are finishing this together".  And we did.  Of course that was the first time I ever sprinted.....because He had hold of me and would not let go.

So in the middle of mile 11, I see a guy encouraging his girl to keep going....all while jogging circles around her :)  Remember where you came from baby girl....And so with new breath I began to run again.  Mile 12.  Almost there.  1.1 miles.  And what seemed so long when I was coming the other direction was moving faster.  And I looked over and thought oh, I remember that place! And I kept going and things looked deserted....the excitement of earlier seemed left in a ghost town of paper cups and no water left......just keep going.  My insides were screaming and I slowed to a walk to have a chat with myself.  Crawl if you have to Kimberly but you are going to finish this.  You have worked too hard and come too far....

And then a finisher sitting on the side of the road, encouraging those of us coming along said...your almost there!  Look, see the flags??  That's the finish...And I saw it.  And I started running.  And I started running faster and I wanted to puke and pass out and die.  But I could do all of that if I so desired AFTER I crossed that line.  And I did.  Yes I did.

3 hours and 4 minutes.  The hardest physical thing I have ever done.  A dream I never believed would come trued.  But it did.  Because I didn't quit.  And in the end I was sunburnt and sore and  felt physical things that were foreign to me.  But it changed me.  The last part was the hardest.  Harder than I imagined.  Harder than the first part ever dreamed of being.  And sometimes you gotta walk a little.  But that finish line....that finish line.  I'm not sorry for one ounce of anything it took to get me here, no. Because is wasn't necessarily the 13 that got me...it was taking that .1 extra...that .1 held what I had been waiting for all along.  The finish. Thankful.

#GodSizedDreams

Wounded

Wounded.
He was wounded for our transgressions.

I get a little irritated. A little impatient. Yet for the past days we have studied Jonah.
God asked.
And. He. Ran.
It gives comfort to know I am not the only stubborn child. 

And when fresh wounds come, they don't exactly surprise me. They uncover things not quite healed. And my immediate response is to flinch. Because its still painful. 

He flinched, Jesus did. He wondered if this could be done another way, yes. But He knew. No. And so He settled in. And He was wounded. Again and again. For you. For me. 

And so this conversation between God and I.....
Still? Yes.
Painful. Yes.
Confusing. Not really.....

Wounded for us. For our healing. For the knowledge of our worth. For good. For His glory. 

Wounded but not beaten. Considered dead but raised to life that conquered death. Wounded so that healing would finally come. Wholeness. His purpose. His plan. Even when it hurts. Thankful.

Faith Jam

5 Minute Friday - Mighty

Joining Lisa Jo and the girls today.  No edits, no re-writes and love those that came before you...

Prompt: MIGHTY......GO:

The mighty winds of change have swept so harshly through my world.  And yet I'm still standing.  Sometimes the very thing that was meant to destroy you turns out to be the very thing that changes you and gets you to where you needed to be.  I look back lately over the last two years...the mighty winds finally have all died down and what beauty I see coming up out of the destruction.  Lands that were overgrown and covered laid flat, the path made level.  A mighty love overtook my heart and made me able to love that way too.  A mighty encounter with a Mighty God and nothing, nothing will ever be the same.  That is a beautiful thing.  It's this mighty God in us that allows us to do the hard work, things we never dreamed or imagined things that Bible stories were written about.  Yet He works no less in our lives today, no, He is here.  He is here. Thankful.

Stop.

Joy - 5 Minute Friday

Joining the girls over at 5 Minute Friday.  No edits or rewrites and love those that came before..

Prompt: Joy..GO...

Joy. It was my word this year. Fitting. The word from last year that I didn't have any desire to choose,instead, chose me. And I am learning that you have to put one foot in front of the other. Building blocks. Foundations. And this word could not even be without the other word, no. Because joy comes from the inside. Joy comes when all happy has left the building, when weeping has endured for days, weeks, months. With the knowledge that He hears Every. Single. Word. When we know that He sees. When we know that He is the one who exacts justice, when we are relieved from being god in our lives and let Him be God over our lives. Yes, joy. Joy is a choice.  Hard fought, long sought out and the treasurer we dig deep for. Joy is the thing that once we find it rooted in Him, we should never be able to loose sight of it. Thankful.
Stop.

#SheSharesTruth - Jonah

#shesharestruth

Jonah.  My man.  In reading these two chapters this week I feel like I see them....him....with new eyes.  I'm a runner I am.  At times it has given me direction...at times the opposite direction of where I needed to be. Two years ago I found myself right in the middle of a raging storm.  My running from Him had gotten me on a ship to not anywhere near where He had called me to be.  And I was sinking fast.  So at the lowest of lows, after jumping head long into the winds and waves, I told Him I couldn't do it anymore.  I could not keep myself from drowning and taking all those with me right along too....and I found myself right in the middle of a place that I didn't necessarily want to be.  There are days, these last couple of years, that have felt like a big stinky fishes belly.  It's been lonely and scary and downright yuck at times.  But I found myself face to face with my own disobedience right there and things just had to change.  

The most interesting thing about Jonah and his running is that God used even His disobedience for His glory. Those guys on the ship, when it was all crashing down....they saw what could happen when we surrender ourselves to the Living God.  And they were saved.  On this journey of my own disobedience, I have seen God work amazing things...changes I would have never believed...when I acknowledged my sin and my God.  When we say we can't and then say He can, we have the chance to show a world who doesn't know Him who our God is.  

Face down in the belly of my own whale, I told God I would do it His way this time, I knew what He was asking and I said yes, just yes.  And things actually got way worse before they began to get any better.  The days and nights of Jonahs fish experience probably left him thinking...man, jumping over and saying yes to God sounded like the best way, but if I have to stay here in the belly forever and LIVE....I'm not so sure anymore..... sometimes we wonder if we will ever get out.  I know I have felt that way for quite some time.  But I know, that just like Jonah, my story doesn't end here.  No.  Honestly this is just the beginning. Dry land....direction and not running from, but too.  God has been reminding me all week.  Just don't run. He's reminded me what happens when I run from the hard work and let me say I have no desire to stay here in this belly any longer than He needs me too.  So here I am....with a face full of sand and trying to gather my land legs once again.  Leaving the ocean..and the whale behind.  These things God used to change Jonah's heart for His purpose.  These things God used to change my heart for His purpose.  I wonder if he would ever look at the ocean the same?  I know I don't, my own ocean.  I see a place where I came face to face with my own self, my own sin...and it swallowed me whole...yet even in the place of our own destruction, God meets us and saves us and puts us back on track....begin again.  Thankful.

Stay

My alarm went off and my first inclination was to throw it. Not the best indication of my morning. I didn't think it would feel like this. Again. I thought I was past this. But here I am.

And so I prayed. 

It's all I know to do. 

There isn't any rule book for this sort of thing....well, there is really. But the Rule is quite simple. Love. 

And bordering disobedience, I prayed. Tell me what to do because I just can't see. I can't do this. I just don't want to anymore. 

One eye opened enough to read an email blog post I opened on accident. And there He sat, waiting to meet me... 

HOPE & Jeremiah 29:11. 

Photo credit: Laura J Dake Photography

My default. My reset. Home. As I settled and read one more, almost hitting delete, there it was again. My verse. You don't have to know the plans. I already do. Plans not for harm, for good. To. Give. You. Hope. And so I kept breathing, kept praying. 

Because I still do not want this. 

No more. 

I just need to go. 

And I saw the familiar name of the sweetest friend, so I clicked it. And the running shoes made me smile....exactly what I want.  And then then words that rang so loud in my spirit. Don't. Run. 

Stay. Hope and don't run. I wanted an answer. I got it. Stay in this place that leads to the land He promised. Stay when I want to catch the next plane out of this waiting room. Stay. And do whatever He tells you to. Just don't run. 

In passing, someone commented.....today, March 19th, is the last day of winter. 

Tomorrow is the first day of spring. 

New beginnings. 

Finish what you started so you can begin again. Thankful. 

Joining the girls over at Faith Jam

Plans - God Sized Dreams

Plans....I used to make them. Hold myself to them and quite fall apart if things did not go according to schedule. I loved two year planners. They gave me hope, a feeling of security, and allowed me to believe that I was in control.

How does a girl who had such dreams loose it all and still keep up the hope that somehow, someway, He has a plan? How do the dreams in your heart keep pressing out when it seems that everything around is set for their destruction? 

These have always been with me. I have always been a writer, always wanted to be a wife and a mom. I have attained them and lost them all at times. Sometimes by my own hand and sometimes by the hands of others. Yet they remain. Through the fire, through the floods, through the drought and through the deadest of winters. These things remain. Because God's Word never returns void. Never fails. Never disappoints. Thankful.

Linking Up with the girls at GSD

Lucky

Such the lucky girl I am. These next few days in a row hold so much meaning for me. Reading a post from Elizabeth at God Sized Dreams brought so much joy today. Who knew the first three leaves on a clover mean faith, hope and love....my verse :) but the 4th.....luck. I'm a lucky girl to be who I am. To be standing here today, to be dreaming big and letting Him take me places I really never dreamed. Lucky to not be the one standing on the sidelines. Lucky to have my faith pressed hard and made solid, lucky to have a hope that does not disappoint and so desperately lucky to have found the love I so desired.....and to be able to give it away. Because love NEVER fails!! Thankful. 

Crowd - 5 MinuteFriday

Joining Lisa Jo and the girls....5 Minutes, no edits, no re-writes and love those that came before.

Prompt: CROWD

Go....

In the crowd it's so easy to get lost, to be unseen.  To just breathe.  No expectation, no real responsibility. Just be.  And when His eyes catch yours....you can't look away.  He sees YOU.  And in the crowd you are no longer apart of it, but singled out.  And He calls to you.  And you are so afraid.  What might they say or they think if I step out of this place.  What if I step out of the crowd and do the thing that no one else might see as right? But He keeps calling.....out of the crowd, out of the masses, out of what is comfortable out of what seems possible....out of all that crowds your heart and your soul and your spirit and who He made you to be.  Thankful.

Stop.

Remember

Some days I loose track in all of this.....WHY??? And then I remember.  I remember that He's telling a story through me.  I remember all the days and all the nights that have brought me here.  I remember the bad that He has replaced with good and I AM SO GRATEFUL.  I remember grace once again and I can't hold it back.  I remember mercy and nothing in me wants to withhold it from another....no matter the cost...and that is painful to even type.  Because the beautiful spilled oil has been so costly.  It has come forth from the breaking of all that I knew.  I remember.  It's so easy to forget.  And so He whispers...Remember Me.....and I do and for that reason alone, I just can't stop.  I just keep moving in hope that another might begin to remember.  Thankful.

Joining Bonnie for Faith Jam

Just Recieve

"Sounds good. I'll cover for you. Love you".  I smiled when I read his text. My dad. This week has been a struggle. So much catching up with me. My muscles found themselves in complete knots. I had no real choice but to go get some help with the tension. I have such a hard time admitting I need help or really that I have needs at all. I've gotten so good about keeping my head down and just pushing through that it blindsides me at times. But He's been telling me to stop, slow down, rest and wait. No no and no have been my answers. But yesterday I knew I had to get over myself and just go. And I made the appointment. Seems so frivolous. But I needed it. And I texted my dad to say I made the appointment. That I would come in early for work. And he responded with grace. With covering. Just like my Father is trying to do. And I fight Him. So He puts His hand down heavy until I settle under the weight of it. The hard way....why must I always be so stubborn? As I drove to my appointment, the tears fell and I asked Him why....it seems I am so reluctant to forgive myself, so unable to accept the grace I can extend to another. Why can't I truly take in the fact that I have done all I can and I just need to rest, to be still, to let Him be God. And so as I drove I made some choices. I would forgive myself. I would let the grace extended to me from my dad be a lesson in how to accept grace from my Father. It covers. It is finished. Nothing owed. Debt paid. Perhaps you need that today too. Maybe you need a reminder to let grace come in and do something in your heart, in your life. I'm praying you will do just that and I'll hold your hand if you need it. Thankful.

Joining Holley over at her site today

Reasons

I don't want to.....it makes me afraid. I whispered this truth as I prayed. My stumbling block exposed. But I know it's right and I know I must. And I did. I did. And I shared my reasons with Him why it was hard, what I feared. And He heard. He did. As I read my devotional for the day His answer became clear. He wanted me to do it from an obedient heart. To do it afraid. To do it because I love Him more than I fear my words. And then He showed me, showed me the why. And it was beautiful. How many times does He long to bless me, but He wants to heal my heart at the same time. And that requires a blind faith sometimes. Trusting in Him more than in the reasons why. Trusting in Him to be my reason why. Thankful. 

5 Minute Friday - Willing

Joining Lisa Jo and the girls for 5 Minute Friday.  No edits, no re-writes and love the ones that came before you.

Prompt: WILLING
Go........

Just how far, I wonder some days, am I really willing to go? How much am I willing to bend, to give, to lay down, to sacrifice.....before it is enough.  How many days will I count, sleeps, wakes, runs, meals.....just how many Lord?  Just when is the number enough?  How much were You willing to give? What number of children would be enough before You say no more? What amount of sacrifice was too great for You? What price was just too high? None.  There was no price too high.  You were willing to loose it all, even Your own life for just one.  One.  The gravity of that takes my breath.  That You love us so...and some times You ask us to let You use our lives to show another just a glimpse of that.....if we might be willing.  Thankful.

STOP.

#SheSharesTruth - Psalm 130

Psalm 130

A song of ascents.

1 Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;

2     Lord, hear my voice.

Let your ears be attentive

    to my cry for mercy.

3 If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,

    Lord, who could stand?

4 But with you there is forgiveness,

    so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

5 I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,

    and in his word I put my hope.

6 I wait for the Lord

    more than watchmen wait for the morning,

    more than watchmen wait for the morning.

7 Israel, put your hope in the Lord,

    for with the Lord is unfailing love

    and with him is full redemption.

8 He himself will redeem Israel

    from all their sins.

This is a Psalm of ASCENT.  It speaks of waiting to be lifted.  Watching for His deliverance, watching for His mercy, crying out for His goodness.  Hear me Lord when I cry for help, hear me Lord when I search for Your hand, hear me Lord when I can't take one more step.  And then I wait.  And while I wait I'll recount what I know to be true...You WILL hear me, the IS forgiveness, Your love NEVER fails and there is redemption.  So while I wait Lord and hold fast to what I know is true, I will serve You. Thankful.

Linking Up with #SheSharesTruth - Devotional

Don't Lose Sight

Some days this dream feels anything but "dreamy".  It feels wholly impossible.  And then I began to wonder...what was it I was thinking to begin with??.....The dream began with a need to breathe, which gave way to writing, which gave way to breathing (sweet!!), which gave way to giving what I needed, which was encouragement, which He gave back to me, and then writing was just..me, and I realized that it was just something that I must do because it's who I am, just a stepping stone to my dream....what was that exactly? Oh, encouraging? Huh? where did that come from and how in the world is that a dream?? But it is :) And it goes hand in hand with what He's called me to...being a mom, loving and caring for those around me in my own special way.  Maybe it's prayers or sandwiches or cinnamon rolls....maybe it's a Voxer message or a note card....oh my favorite kind of encouragement....this dream that sometimes I loose track of because I'm living life in this moment, which is a huge thing for me, circles round and finds me when I least expect it. All these little pieces will give way to something in time, but they are all connected, all part of what He is making me to be.  When I get so overwhelmed with the big, I loose sight of the small, the daily tasks of dreaming big.  Don't forget baby girl.....don't forget.  Don't ever despise the small.  Small prepares you for the things to come so you won't lose sight.  Thankful.

Joining the girls over at God Sized Dreams

Behind the Scenes - Engraved

My word. It found me and it stuck. I didn't mean for it to, but it carved itself deep into my heart. I need to be reminded of it often. She sent this to me, she did. With a card and the verse said this:

Proverbs 3:3-4 Stay focused; do not lose sight of mercy and truth;engrave them on a pendant, and hang it around your neck;meditate on them so they are written upon your heart.

Why?

 In this way, you will win the favor of God and others,and they will think well of you.

 When I read verse 4 at first, I felt a little strange. But as it settled in, I believe He means that others will have good thoughts when they think of you. I have good thoughts of so many of the wonderful people in my life. And when I do, I find myself compelled to let them know. So when this cherished friend thought of me and acted on it, Gods love became tangible and engraved itself on my heart once again, and that reminds me of Gods favor in my life, so I wont loose sight. Thankful. 

Joining Behind The Scenes today