Sunday, February 8, 2015

Third Times A Charm

I ran yesterday. The run that started it all. My 9.6 mile that I have done for 3 years now. The first year I was to do it, my world was in destruction. I would have never made it. I wasn't ready. It was a dream. A far off goal. 2013 foud me actually getting ready to do it. God was calling me to hard and here I was doing something crazy like this. I was up at 3 a.m. mentally preparing...and praying like crazy. How would I do this? I was nervous, excited....nauseous. I stood at the start line. And my sweet friend ran the whole way with me. Never left my side. And I ran the entire way. Up two bridges and down again. And it felt surreal. And I was proud of myself but I felt so out of place. I was growing into this girl He is creating. But I was lost in this new skin I foud myself in. 2014 came and I wanted to do it again. To prove the first time wasn't a fluke. And I had a half marathon the next month. What was I doing? Why was I doing it?  So much uncertainty for me. So much changing. And I had to fight for this girl. Yes, fight to become what He asked. Worst. Run. Ever. Serious. I was slow and ended up separated from everyone, from all that I knew. I panicked. I cried and I wanted to quit. It hurt physically and emotionally. It felt like my life felt. I was running this alone. I felt like an outsider. Like I didn't belong at all. It was a hard year, last year. But as it was winding down and coming to a close I began to see something. When all the things that didn't belong began to fall away, I had grown so much more into myself. I liked her. I liked what I saw. And I made the choice to run this year for me. Because alone or together, this is my race. I rolled out of bed, grabbed coffee and in the quiet thanked God for this. I have an ability to do hard things. To go the distance. And I felt at home with my people. The ones who run beside me. No anxiety. No worry. As we began to run I picked my pace and settled. They ran ahead.  But I would see them again soon. First 3 miles are the hardest. I want to quit. I wonder if I can. And so I talk to myself. Keep going baby girl. You know the way. You know you can. Just move and don't stop. Never stop. I turned the music up and let it drown out all the cant's. And I ran my race. I saw my people here and there. We all met back up after we crossed our own finish lines. And we had a day, my people and me. And we added new people. Some who joined us on this race. They are becoming strong too. Changing. And I belonged. This is where I belong. And it settled in like one more block on my beautiful new foundation. Yes. This journey is just beginning. But He made me well able. He built a strong vessel in this tiny little girl who has a big voice. I've failed 100 times, but oh my, when I accomplish something. Looking fear in the face and saying see, yes I can. I only had to not quit. Not stop. Just keep going. It may take weeks, months.....years.  And I know that can strike some fear in a heart. But know this. He. Is. Faithful. Never fear, no. Never. Thankful. 

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