I was reading a post today written by my sweet friend Sarah. And part of what she wrote struck me deeply. It has been my struggle for so very long..
"His choices become my
identity and I wrestled with how to move on and live again......"
Those words are my very own. I just don't think that I had realized how to give these feelings a place. I have lived with the shame and humiliation of another persons choices. Had to crawl out from under being the girl that got left behind, endured the whispers and stares and sat quietly while they made their own judgements against me and assumed what they would about my life, a path that only I have walked. I have had to hand it all over to the One Who knows the heart of the wounded and the heart of the ones who created those wounds. You see His love for all involved isn't any different. He cries for each of His children, the one that are hurting and those that hurt others out of their own pain. I am more than the labels that someone else assigned me. I am more than the choices that they have made and that I have made myself. My life is not defined by who I once was, but by who He has created in the most desolate place. Trying to find my identity in Him has proved to be one of the most challenging things I have ever faced.
Trying to find myself...who remained after all the ashes had fallen? How do I let people in to see that girl and still not let my wounds be ripped open again when the well meaning or perhaps just plain nosey ask "so what happened?!?!" I have to breathe and remember to use my nice words when there are times I just don't have any...so I smile politely, excuse myself and usually go cry in a bathroom. I'm more than what happened. I'm more than what these seemingly endless days speak of what is my life. And that is just hard. These are the times I wrestle with Him. These are the days I am learning to be thankful for even if it is through tears. Because I won't accept these labels. And I want people to see Him, not what happened to me, but what happened because of what He has done through this. Thankful.