Friday, September 20, 2013
I'm finding my way in all this new. We are settling in and I don't even know exactly what this place is, yet we are strangely at peace. I am trying to get my balance. Everything has shifted. I have more time, but what to do....I need to write and I need to run like I need to breathe. And as much as I have gotten down my routine with the kids in the morning, my routine with Him is once again in transition. But here is what I learned....He meets me. It is so much more about our heart than I ever realized. I wrote Wednesday morning, ran, came home and began getting ready for work and stopped to read an email. And there He was. It's not about fitting Him into my routine, it's about taking Him everywhere I go. Some days flow better than others. Some days I can journal and write. Some nights I just want to go to sleep. He wants to be a part of all of it. I'm holding less condemnation and just living more. Each quiet, tiny moment, He meets me. When I do this He whispers.....reminds me of all the promises. God is real or He isn't. It's all true or it isn't. In the quiet of these moments, my hurts can surface. I can be still enough to look at them and deal with the emotion of it all. Hand it over or hold it. Push it down and say not now or feel what I need to and choose to forgive. Each time He asks me to forgive, He asks me to follow through with love. And that is hard. And it hurts. But that's where the healing is. And each step, each piece released makes me better able to do it again, and again, and again until it spills out into them but splashes on to me at the same time. You cannot give grace and forgiveness without it leaving its marks on your own heart and soul. You cannot give love and not have that seed sown right back into you, giving you what you desperately needed. Grace and love and forgiveness are messy. They are not ever meant to be contained. They are meant to be spilled, to be poured out, lavished on another and when we do this, we cannot help but be drenched in the perfume of it ourselves. Thankful.