Friday, January 16, 2015
Some very hard realizations have been coming lately. So much so, He has to stop me in my tracks to get my attention. Looking back that run wasn't so random after all. There is something about running far, something that makes me let go of everything that is holding me back. All the walls that I build up. You can't run and hold on to all that at the same time. You have to let go to move forward. And it left me strangely open to some things He needed to tell me. No fluff. We are well past that on this journey. I've been setting aside things that are better left far behind. Change the pattern to change the answer to the problem. And so when I woke up last night, the strangest thought came to me. Why am I sleeping in this same one fraction of a space? I have an entire bed. It's my bed. It's been mine for a long time now. I have had such the older brother mentality. Yet everything I needed, wanted, was always mine. I have never been without it. It never left me, I always had access to it. I chose not to. Walls. And so last night, half asleep and talking to myself, I slid myself and the pillows right to the middle. And I slept. I gained territory last night. Took hold of what was mine all along. And I'm not so much speaking of my sleeping space, but of myself. My blessings, my gifts, my own life. And as so often happens in the letting go, fear whispers, ever so serious, warning....what will happen if you let go of this....what will happen if this is all there is? Indeed. What will happen if I just let go? I have no idea. But then again, no fear, seriously....just no. Thankful.