Saturday, December 7, 2013

Advent Day 7 - Seasons

I must say that I have not expected things to go the way they have in the past week.  I have not expected to encounter the things I have been faced with.  Yet here I am.  16 years ago this day brought life and last year, this day brought death.  So today, this day, God reminds me that He is still here.  He is still in control.  The emotions, the tears, the pain, the frustrations....I have allowed myself to just feel them this time.  Last year I ran away from it, much to my determent.  I wanted to feel anything but what I needed to.  I wanted to forget the exhaustion and the emptiness and so I ran away...I even got on an airplane to do it.  But the funny thing about running end up right back where you started...only way more tired and sometimes worse for the wear.  And so this year, I am feeling the uncomfortable, looking at the things that are right in front of me and giving it voice.  Maybe I will cry through making dinner or putting up a Christmas tree or at hanging one less stocking yet again....but those tears are giving way to joy.  Happiness in doing these things, despite some sadness, is coming right a long side the grief that just doesn't seems to have much room left in my heart these days.  A very dear friend challenged me to try something's some kind of app that lets you leave voice messages instead of text messages.....and I realized that although I have become quite settled in the use of written words....I was afraid of my own voice.  Because once you speak things, well, that's life...and that's death.  But sometimes we need to speak these things so that our head knowledge can sink on down to our hearts.  So we can begin to truly let ourselves heal.  Today, I listened to one of the messages I left her....I closed my eyes and held my breath...and I was amazed.  I didn't know my own voice.  The strength and the change that these months have brought....I hear that.  And it was a most beautiful sound.  Thankful.

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