Sunday, October 11, 2015

Day 11- Breathe

The weather is changing. It makes me feel like I can breathe. And it's the first time in literal years I'm actually looking forward to the holidays. The last few years have felt like there was just no place to be. I didn't fit in anywhere. What had always been my families tradition fell apart. Death and divorce split everything wide open and the place that would have been my rescue wasn't there anymore. I spent two years trying to fill that space. Trying not to feel the loss so desperately. And I hated that feeling. I hated the string of days that served as a reminder of the slippery slope of those last months before the bottom fell out. Last year was better. I got my footing and we began to make new traditions. Small ones. Just the basics. I found the deadest, leafless tree I could two years ago and I chopped it down. I strung it with over 400 lights. That was all the Christmas tree I could stand. It's how I felt. Completely stripped of all that was. And so that is what has been for the last two years. And it worked. But this year I find myself wanting new. Wanting more. Ready to go forward. And that is a feeling I had forgotten. I have not a clue how these days will all string together. But there is excitement where before there was dread. There is new where before there were only ashes of the old. And I'm ready now. Thankful. 

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