Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Behind The Scenes - Not Forgotten

Joining Crystal Stine and the girls for Behind The Scenes today....

I have been battling fear this week tremendously, but today...well I haven't seen struggle like this in quite a while.  The fear that made me turn my phone off, get back in the bed and say...I'm just not sure I can do this today Lord....These words keep bubbling to the surface..coming at me in writing, church, conversations.....small, lies, surrender....fear. Fear of what is. Fear of what may or may never come. Fear of small. Fear of surrender and the fear..that what if the lies are not really lies. And it settles down on me. The minute I try and lay it all down...but what if.....yes...what if.

What if I look you in the face and tell you that my biggest fear came true?  That I was left behind....that somehow I can't shake this feeling of not good enough and maybe will never be good enough. What if I tell you that living in this period of waiting scares me more than anything He has ever asked me to do. That I think, what if He does let me down....then what? To lay it all down, all of it...every thought of why and what if and they have and I don't and I want and they took and I'm empty....to surrender my hurt, my life...my own story. What if I just say it's Yours Lord....You take it, and You give me back what You want me to have and I give up my right to be heard, to be known, to be understood....What if I face that fear of hurting more, being rejected again, loosing.....in order that I can be found.....

Today ended with a lot of burpees and sweating.  All desperately needed to release this tension that has been building inside and I turned around to see the most beautiful sight.  And for a moment I let His voice drowned out all the other things battling for my attention...I keep my promises baby girl....I have not forgotten you....Thankful.


  1. These fears of being left behind, not good enough, and rejection seem to be hitting many of us this last week or so. Praying for you as you face it head on with the strength of God.

  2. Yes Amy it surely does. Thank you for the prayers, I will be praying for you as well.