It's Monday. Last week brought so many unexpected changes. Things I didn't expect. By Tuesday last week I think I was in full on panic meltdown mode. And I submitted these things to God, He answered all my questions in His time and His way. But the difference is, I had to submit to that. I had to say Lord, I want what You want. That's a scary statement at times. I used to brace myself, physically!! Almost like waiting for a lightning bolt to come down and whack me one upside the head, like God's will was to inflict as much punishment as He could! Now I am learning that isn't really the case at all. Yes, we will have painful days, but in church yesterday, our pastor commented that God will use whatever He has to use to draw you to Him. He knew what it was gonna take to get me back. And He pursued me.
I thought back to that day, the day my entire life changed and would never be the same again. The exact minute. I think He braced Himself for that blow. He knew it was coming. He knew that this was what it was going to take for my stubborn heart to crack and He felt the force and the weight and the pain and the shame of it as it hit me and literally knocked me to me knees. It was Him whispering to me just breathe....I have never felt such alonesness and rejection as I did in that very moment. I believed the force of that would destroy me. But it didn't. His hand was on me. The devastation could only go so far. Far enough to call me back. Desperation enough to send me running back to Him, away from the harm that threatened to destroy me. All that to get here. All that to get ready. All that to bring me into the life He had planned for me.
I am not that girl I was once was. I don't have the life I once had. I don't love the way I once loved. And I don't see my Savior through the eyes I once saw Him. Grateful.